I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

[supermoonrising]

@PicsInRed
There have always been and probably always will be nasty, violent men. Their actions are just exposed more nowadays, thanks largely to the internet, which is a good thing of course. Do you really think there was less domestic violence going on in British homes in the 60s,70s and 80s?

[Smashingspinster]

I am so sorry. Yes, this has to be the end. Being angry is one thing. Attacking and then threatening to do it again is something else. I think the general time we are in a very misogynistic, but that does not excuse or explain this. I think a lot of men have some really nasty attitudes to women lurking underneath.

[BlueLorikeet]

Just read entire thread from the link in another post. Hope everything turned out well for you @MeltedEggMum2.

I found so many things in your story that resonated. What you wrote about past abuse/coercive control and how the women experiencing it may not even realise what is happening. I think I need to rethink many things in my past too...

[StealthPussy]

Congratulations to your DD Melted! That’s great news. She has done so well in difficult circumstances. As have you. Now time to celebrate.

[MeltedEggMum2]

Just wanted to update the thread to say my DD did wonderfully well. Passed everything with 5's and above, even her less-liked subjects. Got two 9's and an A* even!!

Couldn't be prouder.

[Gunk]

Just read through this whole thread.

Well done on kicking him to the curb immediately and for all that you’ve done since. I imagine you’re an inspiration to other women going through similar. Hell, you’re an inspiration to me!

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

Just read the whole thread. Well done to you!!!

[MeltedEggMum2]

@MNHQ can you edit the thread title? Add "(I have left him)" or something?

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

Leave him immediately. He not only abused you but your child as well. I'm dumbfounded by the law. Here in the states he would have gotten charged very harshly for that. Its domestic violence and it's taken very seriously. So sorry for you. Keep yourself and your child safe.

[RandomMess]

Be kind to yourself, it is difficult to recognise and difficult to leave; you have done it despite people down playing the whole situation.

Hope it goes well on Thursday, lots of nervousness in the house too!

[Ilovellamas]

Unconscious collusion is what my therapist called it when she dealt with me, in a similar situation. It took a long time fo me to forgive myself for allowing the years of misery I went through. ( not sure I have). I was slightly reassured there was a proper name for it and it meant that I wasn’t the only one.

Hope you are OK, good luck with results on Thursday

[StealthPussy]

Nobody is going to think you are to blame. But I understand why you feel the way you do. Let it flood through you, then let it flow out.
Hope GCSE results day goes ok for your DD.

[MeltedEggMum2]

I am resurrecting this thread because GCSE results are looming and I've been thinking about things. I've also been reading (and scribbling all over) the book, Healing from Hidden Abuse. Really tough but very good.

And there's no real need for anyone to reply, I'm just venting.

I HATE the way he treated my dc. HATE HIM FOR IT.

And I hate myself for not protecting them better. He was such a shit to our teenager in particular.

I hate that I didn't recognise it sooner. My poor dc. I am an adult, I can accept my own misery and hurt from making my choice to be with him, but I think I will feel guilty forever for inflicting an asshole father on my beautiful children. it's the worst feeling in the world.

[GoldenFlaps]

It will pass, Melted. You'll go through stages of different feelings. The main thing is you're free. Try and keep your thoughts on the positive things and give him less headspace. The more your life moves on the easier that will be

[MeltedEggMum2]

Feeling kind of bitter today - he dropped a bomb in everyone's lives and I'm left picking up the pieces. From now on, basically.

I mean, I'm glad to be rid of him and every day I'm becoming more "me" again, which is wonderful. But he can go back to living a free and easy bachelorhood, while I do everything to keep our children healthy, happy and whole. It is so deeply unfair. I feel so resentful of him.

Some days it all feels too much.

[Theworldcouldbemymollusc]

It’s batshit how many people say - you were perfect for each other. Erm no - I covered for an abusive arse. That’s no where near perfect!!!

[Absolutepowercorrupts]

Well done Melted, you been so strong, I'll bet you've been an inspiration to many of us that have read your thread. You've come so far and you've done so well to get yourself and your children away from that violent bully.

The 10th rule of misogyny is that the worst thing about Male violence is that it makes men look bad
Misogyny can apply to men and women and it sounds as though some of your wider circle of 'friends' are very misogynistic. And so was the Judge.
Some people can be very judgemental and without knowing your story will seek to minimise his violent behaviour
You know the truth, hold your head up and remember that you've done nothing wrong. KoKo

[MeltedEggMum2]

No wonder so many women struggle to leave their abusers, or leave but then go back.

Yes, yes, yes. This is becoming clearer and clearer to me.

[AnotherEmma]

Oh I missed loads of posts because of the new username.

I am so sorry that you are surrounded by so many abuse apologists - it's shocking and very sad.

No wonder so many women struggle to leave their abusers, or leave but then go back.

[AnotherEmma]

Nothing particular to add except that you are amazing. You might not feel like it but you are. I can tell from your posts that you are an intelligent, articulate, strong person, and a lovely mum.

You can add me to the list of cheerleaders rooting for you

[pog100]

Good for you. Keep that assertiveness and anger with the apologists.
The access course will do you a power of good, they are hard but full of inspirational people. I used to teach on one. They were usually our best students in future years.

[MeltedEggMum2]

So many apologists in my wider circle of "friends". I have really battened down the hatches but tonight heard through the grapevine that certain people think we should just "work through" this and "what about him" etc etc.

I'm sick of this attitude. He was arrested, he admitted his crime, there is no question! If he was a stranger, would people be expecting me to invite him in for tea? Obviously not. But because I'm married to him this somehow absolves him from taking full responsibility and I should reconsider my reaction.

Unbelievable.

It feels like victim blaming. It feels like gaslighting. It feels like being abused all over again. I won't allow it! I won't have anyone like this in my life ever, ever again.

[mrsw2]

Fantastic, how exciting. Onwards and upwards

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Congratulations! It's all looking up for you. So pleased.

[ChimesAtMidnight]

Oh well done Egg ! many congrats to you. The sunlit uplands are in sight.