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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So here we are now...

194 replies

pointythings · 28/07/2018 18:18

I thought rather than pick up my old thread here if you want to read it, it's a bit epic I would start a new one to reflect the fact that I now have a new life with my DDs and without my alcoholic STBXH.

Last Wednesday was an anniversary - a year since I found an empty booze bottle in the bedroom, a year since I hit my rock bottom, a year since I told him to deal with his drink problem or we were over - and I meant it.

It's all in the old thread - the failed rehab, more drinking, more lying, more rehab, the police incident that finally got him shipped out.

But here we are a year on, my DDs and I together. Our lives are immeasurably better in every way. OK, we have less money - but we also have peace, happiness, safety and a bright future together.

So to all those people stuck in relationships with addicted partners - you don't have to stay. You are entitled to a happy, safe life. You do have to put your children first. And when you find your rock bottom, that's enough - you don't have to wait for our OH to find theirs. You will feel guilty for finally looking after yourself and not your OH - counselling helps with that.

And one day you will have the life you deserve - it may be a life without the person you thought was forever, but it will be better. You can have what I have. Reply or don't reply - but whoever you are, one day I hope to see you on the other side.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 07/09/2018 21:07

Just adding my voice of quiet support to you and your girls lovely 💐

pointythings · 07/09/2018 22:20

Tomorrow we are going out with my auntie. Nice wander round the Abbey Gardens in Bury St Edmunds, lunch in our favourite restaurant. We are doing lots of reminiscence together. On the one hand there is a sense that he is really gone now and that is sad, but on the other hand there is a sense of peace that is new.

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chickenloverwoman · 07/09/2018 23:21

So glad it went as well as possible and that you have a bit of closure now xxx

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/09/2018 13:09

That sounds so perfect, Pointy. I’m so glad dds engaged with it all, and it was a proper day of remembering. Sadness is an important part of it.

Much love to you all

pointythings · 11/09/2018 19:27

We've had a really good weekend. DDs spent a chunk of Sunday sitting on the sofa going through old photos - of him, of all of us, of themselves as babies with and without us, and of me and H before we had them. They mocked our 90s fashion mercilessly.

They're back at school now and happy to be there - normality is great for all of us. The only thing left now is to slog through the admin. It's a bit like eating an elephant - you have to do it one bite at a time. My phone bill is going to be epic, I just spent 20 minutes on the phone to one of the life insurance companies because H's change of beneficiary ( to me ) wasn't on their file (but I had the letter in my hand so they did a bit of digging and sorted it). Lots more of that to come. I expect the estate to take at least a year in total.

But I can handle it, and every day is a little better.

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Redland12 · 11/09/2018 23:12

I’m so pleased you had a lovely time. Yes I think normality is good for you all. You are a strong woman and I admire you greatly. I have been following your thread with amazement pointythings, good luck to you and your family. I will still follow you on your journey, lots of love🌷🌷

pointythings · 15/09/2018 14:27

Aaargh feeling irritable and I know I shouldn't.

I just got off the phone with my mum. She didn't manage to make H's funeral and clearly feels bad about it but OMG she is hard work. Gave me the whole 'but how will you cope without him' spiel Hmm. So I pointed out diplomatically that I had been coping perfectly well without him since Christmas and yes, I did say that I don't need a man in my life. Which was unkind but at least I kept the tone mild.

I know she's 78. I know she's projecting her loss of my DF onto my relationship and its ending. But it gets on my tits so massively.

She keeps inviting me and DDs to come over to Holland and stay with her and I keep having to refuse - because she drinks, straight from the bottle, whenever she wants to, in front of whoever is there. My DDs don't need to see that and frankly nor do I - but I can't say that to her because she will just deny that she does it. And yes, I do want the girls to see her again - on neutral ground where I control when and what, that is. Maybe we'll manage it next year, unless Brexit turns travel to shit.

And breathe...

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pointythings · 17/09/2018 19:14

We have cause of death - heart attack caused by serious coronary heart disease. Can't say I am surprised, H hadn't eaten a fresh vegetable in about 2 years, did no exercise beyond walking to the bus stop, drank and lived on junk food. And heart disease runs in his family too.

We all actually feel a bit better now that we know though. And it means I can request a permanent death certificate, which I need for the life insurance. More admin, here we come...

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RandomMess · 17/09/2018 19:20

Glad things are moving forward!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 18/09/2018 16:06

It’s good to have the reason.

You’re right not to go to Holland at the moment. Just keep things as normal as possible for now, keep repeating that the DDs need routine. You’re right that the last thing they need right now is someone normalising alcohol abuse around them.

I’m sorry you’ve got this additional drain Flowers

crappyday2018 · 18/09/2018 18:40

You are brilliant Pointy. You've been through so much, so you can get through all this too. I bet you are an inspiration to your daughters.

pointythings · 18/09/2018 19:34

crappyday you are pretty amazing too, you know!
And having this thread is once again really helping. Nobody better dis MN in my hearing...

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pointythings · 21/09/2018 20:31

Today I got the paperwork for my letter of administration signed off - solicitor said it should take 2-3 weeks to come through, then I can start winding up his bank accounts.

I also, finally, registered his death. It's been almost 2 months. The registrar was very nice, very compassionate. I now have 5 copies of the final death certificate, so this weekend I'm going to fill in the life insurance paperwork and get all that sent off. And also bake.

I suspect I will feel a bit knocked sideways when I get the invoice from the funeral director, but I'll survive.

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ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 22/09/2018 06:13

Every bit of the admin can help move you closer to closure.

How are you and the girls holding up?
X

Aussiebean · 22/09/2018 07:32

I’m sorry that this is taking so long.

Big love to you and your girls Flowers

pointythings · 22/09/2018 09:08

It's probably going to take longer still, Aussiebean - dealing with US life insurance companies is not going to be a picnic. Though cause of death is undeniably natural. It's just the delay in getting the cause and therefore being able to register his death has left us hanging for so long. Everything else is actually going quite smoothly - it looks as if I will be able to get his bank accounts wrapped up before Christmas and I should have his pensions by then as well. I'm in touch with my bank about setting up a separate account for it all to go into, I don't want that much in my current account.

Witty we are all holding up pretty well. Having the funeral helped a lot with getting closure, though we are obviously not there yet. Being back at work/school is good for all of us.

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pointythings · 23/09/2018 20:42

I'm sitting here listening to DD1 walking around after shower and singing. DD2 sings in the shower too. They never sang while H was still living with us. SmileSad

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ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 23/09/2018 22:37

How lovely that they feel safe & comfortable enough to do it now.
Thanks

Jux · 24/09/2018 11:51

👏🥂 fab!

pointythings · 28/09/2018 17:32

I've hit the fatigue stage again... I'm so absolutely shattered it isn't funny, I think it's because I finally got his death registered last week, and that's another end point. I'm almost getting used to it - 2-3 weeks of this and it'll settle again.

On the plus side I have an appointment with the survivor benefits person on base, and I have confirmation that the divorce has been halted - should have my marriage certificate back early next week.

And this weekend consists of a university open day with DD1 tomorrow and an archery shoot on Sunday. No lie-ins, but lots of adventures.

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Redland12 · 28/09/2018 17:54

You’ve been through so much pointythings I it’s not surprising your shattered. Have a lovely weekend looking at your Dd1 Uni. I hope the appointment goes well with the benefits people. Take care.🌷🌷

Tiddleypops · 30/09/2018 10:00

One day at a time pointythings. I'm hearing that phrase a lot in Al-anon and also that the way forward becomes clear just as long as you keep looking in the right direction.

You are doing so amazingly well. That post about your DDs singing, well that just screams out to me how they are healing Smile They have you to thank for that Flowers

Peridot1 · 30/09/2018 11:12

I have just read through both of your threads. I had read some of your first thread last year but must have lost it.

Anyway. You are amazing. I am really sorry how it all turned out but you are definitely amazingly strong and self aware. You tried your best and showed him so much compassion even when you were pissed off at him. Your DDs sound fantastic and they will be fine. You are such a fabulous role model for them.

Flowers
pointythings · 07/10/2018 14:37

I've just finished the second of the life insurance applications - that will go in the post tomorrow. I should start to hear back about my letter of administration and the pension funds in the next 2-3 weeks. So on the admin side, everything is in hand.

I spent yesterday getting rained on in Reading with DD1 at a university open day - it's DD's absolute first choice, she loves it and the course is everything she wants.

Today was meant to be a quiet day but the shit has just hit the fan - DD2's girlfriend's mum has just found out that her DD is in a gay relationship. And she is a virulent homophobe. We just had her on the phone crying her eyes out. So I'm going to wait and see and stay stone cold sober in case I need to take in a distressed teenager tonight. I'm hoping the mum's DP (who has a gay daughter himself) is going to be able to talk some sense into his OH, but we shall see.

Why are some people like that?

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RandomMess · 07/10/2018 14:42

Blimey not the quiet day you wanted...

Reading Confused not a place I'd like to live but if DD is happy then go for it! Not that I've ever considered it from a student perspective Grin

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