So here we are now...

[pointythings]

I thought rather than pick up my old thread here if you want to read it, it's a bit epic I would start a new one to reflect the fact that I now have a new life with my DDs and without my alcoholic STBXH.

Last Wednesday was an anniversary - a year since I found an empty booze bottle in the bedroom, a year since I hit my rock bottom, a year since I told him to deal with his drink problem or we were over - and I meant it.

It's all in the old thread - the failed rehab, more drinking, more lying, more rehab, the police incident that finally got him shipped out.

But here we are a year on, my DDs and I together. Our lives are immeasurably better in every way. OK, we have less money - but we also have peace, happiness, safety and a bright future together.

So to all those people stuck in relationships with addicted partners - you don't have to stay. You are entitled to a happy, safe life. You do have to put your children first. And when you find your rock bottom, that's enough - you don't have to wait for our OH to find theirs. You will feel guilty for finally looking after yourself and not your OH - counselling helps with that.

And one day you will have the life you deserve - it may be a life without the person you thought was forever, but it will be better. You can have what I have. Reply or don't reply - but whoever you are, one day I hope to see you on the other side.

Oh pointy how bloody awful.
I've followed your threads from the start.
I'm sorry for your loss but you know you can get through this too.
Sending ((((HUGS)))) and

Fucking hell

Oh god, that's awful for you all. I know that adds so many more layers of sadness to this already horrible situation. Thinking of you and your girls. Glad your work are being understanding, it's one less thing to worry about.

Oh Pointy so sorry for your loss.
I wasn’t going to post but you mentioned USAF.
This happened to my cousin just this past May. Her son was addicted horribly. Two marriages broken. Two dc. He was USCG and discharged when his pancreas failed a few years ago. But that still wasn’t rock bottom enough for him to quit. As your circumstance, he was found dead in his apartment after some time. So tragic.

The funeral was about a month after discovery due to arrangements for a national cemetery with honors (apparently he had a general/medical discharge and not a dishonorable). Perhaps that may still be an option for you? It may help you and your dc, and cousin, to remember the good in him and his service.

But still, well done on getting out when you did. And thank God your dc weren’t the ones to find him.

I'm sorry Pointy, that's bloody awful.

We had a similar issue when my H died, we were unable to bury him until a month had passed and the wait was just awful. We felt like we were in purgatory.

for you and your girls

Band the family in the US are looking into the possibilities for a military funeral. H had been retired for 20 years but he did his 20 so it may be possible. I'm open to the idea because I think it will comfort the US side of the family.

I think it's going to be longer than a month here because of needing to formally ID him . I hope the base has what's needed because if it has to be DNA then it will take a really long time and I don't want either of the DDs to go through giving a sample (though DD1 has already said she will).

I keep coming back to what a waste of a life this is.

DH's lovely cousin who is a rock has managed to get in touch with the family liaison team. She's coming over tomorrow so we can discuss getting key things out of the flat (if permitted) - passports and paperwork, mainly.

Dreading it, but it has to be done.

Indeed. Good luck.

Oh Pointy, I’ve not been on for a while and just stumbled across your thread by chance. I am so very sorry for your loss.

It must feel so... complicated.

You have been strong from the start, and the bond between you and your dds is strong. You’ve all been through so much and now you’re having to carry it all that little bit further.

I’m so glad you’ve built such strong support networks. You must be so bloody exhausted by it all. I am sending you all my love and as much peaceful-field-space as you could ever need

Take good care of yourself and the girls OP. It's chilling to read what you are going through. I wish you peace.

OP. Thank you for this thread. Sad and literally sobering. Your dignity in all of this is inspiring.

My father was an alcoholic. Was because he passed away at the age of 45, alone in some hotel room he hounded himself into having car crashed his life. My mother left him 5 years prior.

He died alone, probably terrified of everything and everyone of a massive stroke. When he died I was sad. But I was also relieved.

My mother took a hugely difficult decision at the time, not supported by many around us to leave him. It was the 80s, women were supposed to put up with it because that's what "real" men did. It damaged me and my brother immensely. I worked through it (took me a while) and I had my own struggles with booze. My brother, lost in a victim mode still drinks and is in a relationship with a woman who is a mother figure and tolerates it. My mother was a huge inspiration to me though. Because she left. And she showed me that you don't have to stay in a toxic awfulness your entire life out of martyrdom and duty. And for that I'm eternally grateful.

Stay strong OP. You're amazing. Your girls will thank you one day.

Chris it is complicated. I didn't want this, I wanted him to find recovery, maybe meet someone else, rebuild a relationship with his DDs. I'm mostly sad. I'm also angry that he did this to himself and to us and his wider family. DD1 feels the same way, with an added dose of guilt because she didn't stay in touch. Never mind that last time she saw him in the street, she nearly had a panic attack so clearly was not ready for contact... I've told her that if I feel she is not progressing through bereavement ,I will be putting in a referral for counselling and she is OK with that. DD2 might need it too, she is scarily detached. She hopes the feelings will come once we have had the funeral but she too may need support. And if I do, I also know where to go.

Affection thank you for sharing your story. The one thing keeping me sane is the knowledge that I did the right thing, no matter how awful the outcome. Your mum was a brave woman. My DDs absolutely do not blame me for making him leave. They actively wanted me to. They're older - 15 and 17 now - and so very able to understand what was going on. We are a close knit family of three and in truth that is what we have been for a long time - H pulled away from the family because of his addiction and in practice I've been a single parent for years now.

You did do the right thing. He was imploding, he made his choices.

You couldn't have let him stay under your roof, imagine the girls had to witness him drinking himself to death at home.

They were spared that.

I’m not at all surprised. I would be feeling angry that he had taken away his opportunity to make amends. That all the hopes that relationships could be rebuilt, have been dashed. It is an ending, but not the ending that it should have been. Not the ending that your dds deserved, and they are going to have to deal with this to some extent for year’s to come.

Whatever happens it is not your fault (and I know you know that, but it doesn’t mean doubts won’t creep in at times). I know how hard you tried to keep it all together. I know how hard you tried to support his relationship with dds, when he was incapable. Addiction is such an awful illness.

Did you ever read Aisling Bea’s article about her father? I’ll find it for you. It’s not the same circumstances but it’s a powerful piece.

This is all so bloody unfair. You and your dds deserved so much more than this. They are being asked to cope with so much, at such a difficult time. I’m so glad they have you, and you them.

You may think it’s completely irrelevant in which case ignore! www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/04/aisling-bea-my-fathers-death-has-given-me-a-love-of-men-of-their-vulnerability-and-tenderness

Chris I'm pretty sure I remember reading that one when it came out - will defo read it again.

Well, we have an appointment to meet with the coroner's office on Thursday morning. Autopsy was inconclusive so awaiting toxicology. Coroner has managed to track down H's previous dental surgery so let's hope they have his records. I'm also onto the base and have put them in touch with the coroner's office. Lastly, H's cousin and I are going to see about getting into the flat and retrieving his passport, which may have digital fingerprints stored in it. We will see how it all goes. I've been in touch with the base as well and put them in touch with the coroner's office.

You’re doing so well, Pointy. Just keep going. I really hope the records confirm things soon, and you can all start moving forwards 💐

I'm just KOKO... And I have good stuff planned too: DDs and I are going to a local Pride celebration Saturday, the seaside Sunday, having dinner with one of the cousins from Northern Ireland early next week, meeting up with my Dsis for a pub meal at the end of that week. So definitely not all misery.

It's been a quiet, sad sort of day. Coroner's office tomorrow and I'm distracting myself by also taking a very good friend to hospital (he can't drive himself and his wife has back problems so can't drive either).

DDs are planning some activities as well - DD2 has a friend sleeping over and they are going to the cinema tomorrow and DD1 is meeting up with friends in town.

Distraction is a good thing here for all of you. Glad the girls are seeing friends and doing 'normal' stuff. Hope it goes OK at the coroner tomorrow.

Back from the coroner's office and huge sigh of relief - ID via dental records will be possible. They managed to get hold of his dentists and have fairly recent records. Analysis is scheduled for the 17th, results due in on the 20th so after that we can finally start moving.

We also have a lot of useful information on what we can do re H's flat and access. Coroner was incredibly kind and helpful, hats off to them for service. This is finally some good news. DD1 is also relieved that she won't be required to do DNA.

What a relief that things can get moving, and that DD doesn't have to be provide anything.

That is good news, pointy!

That's good news, pointy. Crappy bureaucracy at a time like this is a soul-destroyer, so it's good that the officials you've dealt with are making this as pain-free as possible.

Koko.

Hi @pointythings - I saw this thread a couple of days ago but haven't had a chance to reply until now. Obviously I was really pleased for you when I read your first post, because it was absolutely the right thing to do, but reading on .... my heart goes out to you. You know my story already but there is a saying in AA that when you join, you buy a suit. I think I went to four funerals last year, one of whom was a very close friend.

Out of all the spouses/partners I know from the rooms IRL and on here, you exhibited such incredible compassion and understanding for your H and his illness - because it is, and I believe can be described as such even though it's more complicated than that and I do believe that willpower is involved. You couldn't possibly have done more and hopefully you know that anyway. Sadly there are many of us who are just the same. I know that you attend a support group and I sincerely hope that's helping you. I don't know if you read "How it Works" but it includes the following (and I hope you don't mind - it's not my intention, obviously, to upset you in any way):

"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average."

Hoping that your H is at peace now and no longer tormented by his demons. Sending you and your DDs much love xx