So here we are now...

[pointythings]

I thought rather than pick up my old thread here if you want to read it, it's a bit epic I would start a new one to reflect the fact that I now have a new life with my DDs and without my alcoholic STBXH.

Last Wednesday was an anniversary - a year since I found an empty booze bottle in the bedroom, a year since I hit my rock bottom, a year since I told him to deal with his drink problem or we were over - and I meant it.

It's all in the old thread - the failed rehab, more drinking, more lying, more rehab, the police incident that finally got him shipped out.

But here we are a year on, my DDs and I together. Our lives are immeasurably better in every way. OK, we have less money - but we also have peace, happiness, safety and a bright future together.

So to all those people stuck in relationships with addicted partners - you don't have to stay. You are entitled to a happy, safe life. You do have to put your children first. And when you find your rock bottom, that's enough - you don't have to wait for our OH to find theirs. You will feel guilty for finally looking after yourself and not your OH - counselling helps with that.

And one day you will have the life you deserve - it may be a life without the person you thought was forever, but it will be better. You can have what I have. Reply or don't reply - but whoever you are, one day I hope to see you on the other side.

lobsterquadrille that absolutely chimes with what I've learned about my H's family. His upbringing was far from loveless, but it was very rigid in terms of what 'should' be. Anything that did not fit was ignored, glossed over and not dealt with. That isn't going to set you up for being honest with yourself. Military life doesn't exactly help with that either.

My support group initially closed down but we as members have resurrected it and it starts again on the 6th of September, with an expert facilitator whom we are all funding together. Timing couldn't be better.

I never felt H had a more than 50/50 shot at recovery, and that not until he really started working on battling his demons. He was nowhere near starting that fight, sadly. I believe he is at peace now.

Thank you for posting.

I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope you and your daughters can slowly heal from this. All the best x

We had a lovely day by the seaside today with DDs and one of each of their friends, so a car full of teenagers. Swam in the sea despite the crazy swell, ate fish and chips. It was great.

Then on the way home we were listening to Abba on shuffle in the car and came up - made me completely well up. I think I'm going to have it at H's funeral, it sums us up so well, including the end of our relationship.

That’s perfect, Pointy. I’m glad you had a lovely day, and that you welled up too - that’s a healing moment. I love it when funerals get the music right, and it makes you feel a personal connection. There’s a great sense of gentle letting go in that music.

Good lord OP.. just caught up with all your recent events... I'm heart sorry for your girls and yourself.. this has to be the most tragic twist in the lives of you all....

sending warm wishes and Abba is good for the soul whatever the mood

I lost it a bit yesterday... The letting agent came by with the stuff I had requested from his flat. They're doing everything for us in terms of clearing so we don't have to go there. He didn't have much that I needed/wanted back, most of the key stuff is still here and the rest can go to charity. But seeing his stuff was just such a blow. Made it real in a way I don't want it to be.

Aw @pointythings you are bound to have these moments. You are a warm, loving, understanding person as has been evident from your many posts about your H. Those feelings don't disappear suddenly despite everything that you and your DDs have been through. Just remember how much you did, how far you went to encourage his recovery and how unhappy he must have been towards the end (because we all are when actively drinking, no fault on anyone else's part, ever). Think of him being at peace.

Thinking of you.

Oh pointy I’ve just read both your threads through, I remember from last year your old one and am so sorry that this has happened. You are an inspiration and a strength to your girls, we are all behind you

Better day today. I took my old diving instructor to hospital for much needed and wanted treatment, which makes me feel useful and he is the DDs' adopted grandfather. And I had a call from base casualty liaison who were extremely, extremely helpful. At least on the administrative side things are slowly starting to click into place. It looks as if only the bank accounts are going to require probate - the rest comes under US law on named beneficiaries. We found this with DMIL's estate as well - certain parts of it were wrapped up really fast.

Nothing happens on weekends... Am sleeping badly and I know it's because on Monday I'm likely to hear from the coroner to confirm whether or not ID via dental records has been possible. Everything just feels on hold.

I'm trying to keep positive and do nice things. Today I caved to age and got myself eye tested and opted for varifocals (but in a well snazzy frame). Tomorrow I am taking the DDs to see Mamma Mia 2, which isn't really my thing but I reckon I'll enjoy it - I did enjoy the first one.

And I've been planning further gluten free cookie variations and getting ingredients in now that it is no longer stupid hot and baking is an option again.

These all sound like good things. I will have my fingers crossed for you tomorrow. Just get through this bit any way you can

Oh my goodness @pointythings, I've just caught up. Not sure what to say really, just that I'm so sorry you are going through this after everything else. One day at a time.

Just had the call from the coroner's office - identification successful. Today they will issue an interim death certificate, which should be enough for me to start arranging the funeral, making contact with regards to his pensions and life insurance and stopping his direct debits and rent.

So this is where all the really hard work starts.

It does indeed and it's a total nightmare.
I'm still trying to sort out my sisters estate.
It takes a while!
At least you can start moving forward again now though.
I hope your DD's are coping.
It's such a horrible time.

Glad you are getting through it ok

It does feel like progress at last. I have a solicitor appointment for tomorrow and an appointment with his HR on Thursday (I am hoping they will accept an interim death certificate for releasing his pension - if not it could be a further 6-8 weeks before that moves).

It will feel better to have things in motion rather than remaining in limbo. Not an easy time ahead but the only way to get past it and through to the other side is to go through it.

I’m so glad you can finally move forwards. Fingers crossed things pick up pace now. That’s the first bridge definitely crossed 💐

Interim death certificate arrived today - I am so, so impressed with Suffolk Coroners! Engaged a solicitor to sort out Letter of Administration and she confirms that I will only need this for his banking affairs - everything else (house, life policies, pensions) I can do myself directly. So it's looking a lot less complex than it might have been.

Cousin has engaged a funeral director she knows locally and who has a good rep, is also dealing with getting a minister as H had faith and would have liked one. I can already get the house transferred to my sole name, can close down his phone and electricity and rent accounts. A lot of progress in a short time.

So tomorrow I am taking a day off adulting and am taking DDs to the seaside again.

I've only just read this thread after you offered advice to me. I will read through your original one too when I get a chance later.
I am so sorry to read all this. What a strong person you are!

crappy if my voice (among many) has given you the strength to detach from your partner and learn from the experience then I will take strength from that in my turn!

Today I met up with the leaders from the parenting course I attended (voluntarily - wanted to look for additional ways to support my DDs through the divorce) and they suggested at some point setting up a support group for women wanting/needing to detach from addicted partners. It's definitely something I'll think about. I have learned so much from the awfulness of the last year and if it means I can help others get through it more easily that will be helpful to me.

@pointythings you have helped me too, so for that, thank you. Your idea for a support group for people wanting/needing to detach from addicted partners is a great idea, such strength is gained when we share these experiences.

How are you doing?

Goodness, I remember you fr m last year but had lost the thread.
You sound incredibly strong for your girls and I wish you all the best

I'm exhausted again. Spent yesterday at the seaside with DDs for a welcome break, but today it was full on with funeral planning and meetings about finance on base. We should have a date for the funeral later today or tomorrow morning. My cousin is taking care of the wake and the flowers and we are going to have a meeting with her local vicar, who will be conducting the service.

Handed out death certificates on base and did paperwork to release H's pension pots to me - should take 6-8 weeks to get a response, after that only federal taxes to deal with and then it comes to me. Got access to H's joint account which has enough in it to cover the funeral and that made me cry because he should have been spending that money on therapy and taxis to AA meetings...

Am going out with DD1 for a bit tomorrow and then sorting out H's phone and electricity accounts.

You are amazing pointy. Perhaps all this sorting out you're having to do is keeping you busy and focused. I hope after the funeral you can all rebuild your lives and move on, but it sounds like you're already on your way.
I nearly cried reading this thread as I worry this is what is going to happen to my ex eventually. Such a waste of a life.
Stay strong.