So here we are now...

[pointythings]

I thought rather than pick up my old thread here if you want to read it, it's a bit epic I would start a new one to reflect the fact that I now have a new life with my DDs and without my alcoholic STBXH.

Last Wednesday was an anniversary - a year since I found an empty booze bottle in the bedroom, a year since I hit my rock bottom, a year since I told him to deal with his drink problem or we were over - and I meant it.

It's all in the old thread - the failed rehab, more drinking, more lying, more rehab, the police incident that finally got him shipped out.

But here we are a year on, my DDs and I together. Our lives are immeasurably better in every way. OK, we have less money - but we also have peace, happiness, safety and a bright future together.

So to all those people stuck in relationships with addicted partners - you don't have to stay. You are entitled to a happy, safe life. You do have to put your children first. And when you find your rock bottom, that's enough - you don't have to wait for our OH to find theirs. You will feel guilty for finally looking after yourself and not your OH - counselling helps with that.

And one day you will have the life you deserve - it may be a life without the person you thought was forever, but it will be better. You can have what I have. Reply or don't reply - but whoever you are, one day I hope to see you on the other side.

BlueEyed I am so glad I have given you the strength to start your own journey. You have to do it for your sake and for the sake of your DC. Get help and support for yourself through Al-Anon - they support families of people who are addicted to drink.

We had all the broken promises too and despite the fact that we are here now with him having passed on, I still believe I did what was necessary. My DD2 was showing signs of PTSD through his behaviour when drunk. DD1 was definitely also affected. We have all had counselling and it was only very recently that I could say that we were recovering rather than being in 'fight or flight' mode. OK, so we are now back to fight or flight but we know what to do and how to get help. We will come through it.

I don't want my story to become a cautionary tale about how you can't leave an addict because they might end up dead. I want people to see this thread and learn that yes, sometimes the worst does happen - but it can be survived and it doesn't happen to everyone. You have a right to stand up for yourself and your DCs if you have them. The addict in your life has to take personal responsibility, you cannot save them.

So despite what has happened to us, the message is still to take care of yourself.

Oh pointy. I’m so sorry for you and your girls.

Such a wasted end for him.

Sending lots of love

Oh pointy
I am so so sorry for your loss. So very very sad.
I've name changed but have followed and commented on both your threads and pmd you in the past. Huge hugs xxx

We've had a quiet day. Told work, they said don't come in Monday but call instead so that we can plan things for the next few weeks. I was supposed to work for 2 weeks then have 2 weeks of leave booked so hopefully that should cover the logistics of funeral organisation. Redecorating the living room will just have to be postponed. Somewhere in that time frame I have to pop over to Holland to see my mum, who is also still not doing well - still drinking, still falling, still talking about ending her life but not taking action (she could if she wanted to under Dutch law). Not looking forward to that at all. I haven't told her about H yet, she wouldn't handle it over the phone so I will tell her face to face.

Driving home from holiday tomorrow and then it all really starts.

Oh, Pointy, this is rough. But you're handling it wonderfully, as always. I'm sure the "fight or flight" won't last long.

How soon would you and the girls be as able to get to your counsellor(s)?

I'm the meantime, look up "complex bereavement".

Hi pointy - 🌺

Great update. Well done on putting you & your DDs first

Please rtft 🙁

Such a sad update ..your girls are so lucky to have you for their Mum.. Wishing you peaceful days ahead..

I have followed your thread from the beginning. My heart goes out to you and you DDs at this hard time

Oh, Pointy. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank goodness your children have such a strong, capable and positive mother.

Take care of yourself.

Oh Pointy

And again you have to be so strong for everyone else

Please take your own advice and make sure you are being taken care of too x

AnyFucker in a way all the stuff we have been through so far has equipped us with the tools to weather this latest thing. We know how and where to access counselling. We have all kicked our RL support networks into gear. We have an arsenal of positive coping strategies that are tried and tested.

I just want this to be the last thing. It probably won't be, there is still the situation with my mum, but I am so tired. This was supposed to be the boring year when nothing much happened and we so badly needed one of those...

You sound wonderful, pointy. I have faith you will be ok. What is the alternative, after all ?

Thanks, AnyFucker Your support is massively appreciated, I know how much of yourself you put into this section of the boards.

I don't feel wonderful, I feel like someone who has got too good at coping. But I'm bloody well going to come out the other side of this one as well. In the interval between H moving out and this, I have experienced first hand what life without him can and should be like - us as a family of three, caring for each other, stepping up for each other, having fun together and living in a peaceful, stable household. I'm not going to do anything to let that slip.

We met up with H's cousin today - she is local to us. She's gutted, he was always special to her. Her parents treated her like dirt and he was the only one who took her as she was, was her friend and had fun with her. That's who he was before all this. She and I are going to be working together to organise the funeral. We're very close and that isn't going to change either. Next week we will be meeting up with another cousin from Northern Ireland and that will be great too. We've become very good at finding the little points of light along the way.

And this is how women mop up the messes that men make

You will do it for your family and for the man he should have been

Let us know how it goes

I will do. This thread will be a kind of journal in the same way that the previous thread was.

I do think that there are also cases where men have to mop us the messes women make, though. In my H's case toxic masculinity definitely played a role - if he had been able to overcome his conditioning around what a man 'should' be, we wouldn't be here now.

I don't think I've posted on your threads before Pointy, but I have read them. I'm sorry that you and your girls now have to deal with this.

I think someone above mentioned complex bereavement and I would definitely look into this for both you and your DDs. It may be something to look at further down the line, or it may be something that the 1-1 support sessions can help with. But the grief will not follow the normal Kubler Ross stages of grief.

I'm glad to hear you've stayed in contact with your ex's cousin and hope she can help you with the difficult task of funeral planning and all that goes with it.

Take care of you, be very kind to yourself right now

I also meant to say - I think you and your DDs sound amazing. You have all been through hell together and whilst there may be road bumps along the way, I think the three of you will be an unquestioning team for life, and god help anyone who tries to get in between you! Certainly that's how it is for me and my sister, and it's also how it is for me and my DS. We will always, always have each others' backs.

Ford (I own a Ford, your NN made me smile) I know what complex bereavement looks like. It's one of the things that triggered H's drinking and MH issues. I did my best to encourage him to seek help and as a result I found CRUSE, who were actually helpful to him (though he didn't do the 'homework'). We also have experience with bereavement support for young people - DD2 had a course of it when my father died through the St Nicholas Hospice charity, and so I will contact them if DDs need support.

Right now what we are all experiencing feels 'normal' if there is such a thing. We are all able to express our feelings and talk openly.

Another thing that really helps is that earlier this year I did an 8 week intensive mindfulness course through work, supported by my manager. Yes, our team is that amazing in terms of staff support. And those skills and that mindset are proving very valuable right now. Being able to let the sadness in when it's there and accepting it as a valid part of life right now is really helping.

And you know what? DDs and I are amazing. We have come through so much shit. This is just the next pile.

The next week or so up til the funeral will be really hard. DDs will be feeling misplaced guilt (if only I had done X!)

IME after the funeral is a period of relief. If they express anger during this time I would allow them to feel it. I cannot give sage advice as myDS's birth mum sabotaged his grieving, and it completely fucked him up.

Ford I am prepared for that, especially with DD1. With DD2 the situation is more complex. H really totally and utterly destroyed the relationship he had with her, and she has detached emotionally. It isn't a healthy detachment and she knows that, but right now is not the moment for her to deal with that in therapy. I suspect we will be taking her back to St Nicholas at some point in the next year. They have both already expressed anger and I am not going to stifle that - it's healthy. He let them down very badly and now they are free to say so. It helps that H's cousin sees it the same way.

for you and your girls, pointy. I followed your previous thread and was in awe of you having the determination to make the tough decisions that needed to be made and still be such a rock of support to your DDs. I left my DS1's dad due to his drinking, when DS was 1.5yrs old. It destroys lives.

Will be thinking of you all.

There are so many of us, ponygirl. So glad you managed to leave, there are times when being a single parent really is better.

It gets worse...

Called the coroner's office today. It turns out that H was dead in his flat for quite some time before the police were alerted by the neighbours and he was found.

He can't be identified visually. It's going to have to be dental records/fingerprints (which we might be able to get via the base/the USAF) or worst case scenario, DNA (which would mean one of the girls providing a swab and which would take a long time).

So until that is done, no death certificate, no funeral planning, nothing. We're left in limbo. I've told the DDs in very neutral terms what's happening, but they understand the implications.

I'm not at work this week, on bereavement leave - they're being lovely. I'd be useless anyway.