So here we are now...

[pointythings]

I thought rather than pick up my old thread here if you want to read it, it's a bit epic I would start a new one to reflect the fact that I now have a new life with my DDs and without my alcoholic STBXH.

Last Wednesday was an anniversary - a year since I found an empty booze bottle in the bedroom, a year since I hit my rock bottom, a year since I told him to deal with his drink problem or we were over - and I meant it.

It's all in the old thread - the failed rehab, more drinking, more lying, more rehab, the police incident that finally got him shipped out.

But here we are a year on, my DDs and I together. Our lives are immeasurably better in every way. OK, we have less money - but we also have peace, happiness, safety and a bright future together.

So to all those people stuck in relationships with addicted partners - you don't have to stay. You are entitled to a happy, safe life. You do have to put your children first. And when you find your rock bottom, that's enough - you don't have to wait for our OH to find theirs. You will feel guilty for finally looking after yourself and not your OH - counselling helps with that.

And one day you will have the life you deserve - it may be a life without the person you thought was forever, but it will be better. You can have what I have. Reply or don't reply - but whoever you are, one day I hope to see you on the other side.

That sounds hard for your DD and her GF. Hopefully the mum will calm down. Interesting conversations I’m sure with her DP! Puts him in an awkward position with his own dd.

What little we saw of Reading wasn't too encouraging, but the University campus is a whole different ballgame. For what she wants to study it's one of the to places to go.

If she gets in she'll have to live off campus for years 2 and 3 but she'll survive. She isn't hugely interested in student night life, is a teetotal vegetarian with nerd tendencies, so she will probably do what I did - study like mad, immerse herself in sport (archery and possibly fencing if she decides to take it up) and make a fine selection of nerdy niche friends.

We've done sanctuary for random teenagers before (last time was an abuse situation) so I know what to do. I do hope the mum sees sense though, because it's such a waste of a relationship. I mean, is it really worth losing your daughter over something like this? Mum's relationship with her oldest is already pretty damn shaky...

peridot apparently GF's mum's DP told GF he would talk the mum down - I hope he manages it.

That's good that DD sees Reading for what it is and they live on campus in first year.

Hopefully you don't end up with a house guest and the Mum's DO does talk her down and gets through how utterly ridiculous she is being!

I hope so too, RandomMess! But there's religion involved (the mum, not her DD) and apparently the mum also hates foreigners - which we all are. It makes my head explode to think there are people like this.

🙈 sometimes it would be nice to have a quiet simple life wouldn't it!

sending support OP... you're getting there

I have just finished reading both your threads. Sorry for your loss, the thing is though youd already lost the man you married a long time ago sadly.

Cried a few times reading this. Just such a sad waste of a life and so sad how your husband lost everything but really struck a chord as my dhs best friend who was our best man, is in the midst of it now. He is much younger with three young kids. His wife has thrown him out too as she's given too many chances, he's lost his job, everything and we are just waiting to hear he has died. You can't help someone who can't help themselves.

You are amazing, I hope things start going a bit better for you all now.

ShesABelter thank you!
I just hope that posting these threads will make other women see that they don't have to stay with an addict - that, in fact, it does no good to anyone, least of all the addict themselves. Your DH's friend's wife has done the best possible thing for herself and her DCs - I hope you and your DH can support her without judging him.

Good luck.

Bloody hell Pointy, I read your last thread and now just got up to date with this thread.
and hugs for all of you. I don’t know what to say- just keep taking some time for yourself. You’re so strong but don’t break.

More progress - got my letter of administration on Wednesday, went on base with it today to sort out his other bank accounts. People couldn't be more helpful - there was more paperwork to get notarised but because I'm an ID holder the legal office did it for me on the spot, no charge. And I should have a cheque for the full amount middle of next week!

I do still need to sort out how to pay outstanding taxes on some of it, but that will get done. Am seeing an old, old friend tomorrow - haven't seen her for 10+ years - and having a peaceful day Sunday.

Sounds like good progress. And a good day tomorrow.

Yesterday was an anniversary - the one year anniversary of the day I realised my marriage was over. All three of us remembered, but it hasn't been distressing, probably because our lives are so completely different now, and better. DD1 hung out in Bury with an old school friend who is staying with us for the weekend. DD2's GF came round and they cuddled on the sofa watching movies. I ferried random teenagers round and went to my best friend's baby shower. Last night was spent eating pizza, playing classic Cluedo (I won) and Cards Against Humanity (I didn't win). It was a much better night than the same one last year, which is another step on the road.

That's a really positive way to look at it, pointy. Sounds like you all spent the day with lovely people around you.

And today is the anniversary of the day I ordered my divorce through Wikivorce. It's also the day I took yet another scary cheque to the bank - one of the life policies has paid out. The other should be along soon, then I have some paperwork to do for cashing in one pension. The other is being paid out to me as a (small) monthly income until he would have turned 62, at which point I can (and will) claim a share of his Social Security payments.

I'm starting to do a fair amount of crying now because I miss him - the him I married, not the him I lost - but I think that's part of the process.

On a different note, we have one of DD1's friends in at the moment. She and both DDs are scoffing ice cream in the spare room because her boyfriend just broke up with her via Messenger. So we are all in 'All Men Are Bastards' mode. A really bad film may be required.

Hello Pointythings, so many things have happened and you have dealt with them so well. I admire you greatly. Of course you miss him it’s perfectly normal. Go with it. I agree MEN! Enjoy your bad film. 🌹

@pointythings, reading about these anniversaries and your reflection, it really highlights the beauty of the normality of playing games and ferrying teenagers around etc (cannot wait till my DS is old enough for Cluedo! ).

It sounds as though you have done a lot of the hard practical work now and I would imagine it's the first time you've had room for grief, the healthy processing things sort of grief, and that's why you are crying. You are so amazing for holding things together for so long, your DDs are very lucky

Good morning Pointythings, how are you and your girls? I think of you from time to time and wonder how you are all doing. 🌷🌷

Glad to hear things are going so well pointy. I lived through the same ordeal. Hidden drinking, running up of debts, plus being controlled and guilt tripped into having no life. My children were 4 and 1 when he threatened to kill himself whilst waving a kitchen knife in front of my smallest child. I knew at that minute it was over. I found it very hard to get him to leave but somehow we got there eventually. He even broke in once after I’d got him out.

My children are now older teens and have very limited contact with him. (Practically non existent) and we have never had any maintenance. But not waking up to that feeling of dread every morning or dreading coming home from work every night has definitely been worth it. And I know my children have had a better and happier childhood (although I’ve made mistakes and been stressed and tired) than if their dad had stayed around.