So here we are now...

[pointythings]

I thought rather than pick up my old thread here if you want to read it, it's a bit epic I would start a new one to reflect the fact that I now have a new life with my DDs and without my alcoholic STBXH.

Last Wednesday was an anniversary - a year since I found an empty booze bottle in the bedroom, a year since I hit my rock bottom, a year since I told him to deal with his drink problem or we were over - and I meant it.

It's all in the old thread - the failed rehab, more drinking, more lying, more rehab, the police incident that finally got him shipped out.

But here we are a year on, my DDs and I together. Our lives are immeasurably better in every way. OK, we have less money - but we also have peace, happiness, safety and a bright future together.

So to all those people stuck in relationships with addicted partners - you don't have to stay. You are entitled to a happy, safe life. You do have to put your children first. And when you find your rock bottom, that's enough - you don't have to wait for our OH to find theirs. You will feel guilty for finally looking after yourself and not your OH - counselling helps with that.

And one day you will have the life you deserve - it may be a life without the person you thought was forever, but it will be better. You can have what I have. Reply or don't reply - but whoever you are, one day I hope to see you on the other side.

Gosh @pointythings, yes that sounds exhausting - not only because there is so much you are having to sort out, but also because this is a complete turnabout from where you were expecting to be by now.
Yes, I hope once all this is over you can focus on rebuilding your lives.

crappy you do need to disengage from your ex emotionally. It will take time, but you need to consciously do it. If you continue to struggle over the next 3 months or so, consider going to Al-Anon for some support with boundaries and useful coping skills. Life with an addict is damaging for the people around that person.

@pointythings yes I am trying. Its only been 3 days so hopefully each day will get easier. I don't expect miracles overnight. thank you.

Give it time, and just ask for support when time isn't doing it for you. It isn't easy - it took me years to detach sufficiently to break free. Mind you, that was after long happy years of marriage.

I actually did his telephone and electricity as well today. He hadn't been paying his electricity bill... Fortunately it isn't very big and I can afford to pay for it before the estate comes through.

Sorry if you have already covered this @pointythings but, can I ask what started him on his addiction with alcohol?

It's in my original thread, but I won't blame you for not reading that particular epic!

In his case what triggered him was losing his mother (she wasn't young, but she did pass unexpectedly). Alcoholism runs in his family too, and he also had a very rigid traditional upbringing and then went into the US military, so more learned rigid thinking. He ended up being unable to adapt to change so when he lost his mum, he just couldn't cope.

After that his cute compliant little girls turned into teenagers and that made it worse (they are the easiest teenagers in the world, in fact). And he just spiraled.

Grief can affect people in different ways. Its frightening how quickly this crutch that helps you blot things out can then take hold of you. Its seems to happen quicker in some people than others.
My ex's BIL became an alcoholic after he cheated on his wife, was thrown out then his new gf went back to Canada with their new baby. He was a doctor and lost his job, then his home. He ended up back with his parents and just drank himself to death - it was awful to watch. I can't imagine what it would be like to watch the man you love do that.

It seems to be more prevalent among males than females, certainly in terms of alcohol related deaths. I think that there is still a long way to go in developing better ways for males to manage their emotions - toxic masculinity definitely played a part in H's slide into alcoholism. He hated his job, but he wouldn't entertain the idea of finding something different and going part time because he had to be the provider - even though we could have afforded it comfortably.

Watching it happen to my H was the hardest thing in the world. The powerlessness is the worst.

So sorry for your loss, your husband has found peace now. I hope you and your girls can also find peace in that.

Your story has touched me and also shook me, you loved this man, but gained the strength to do what you needed to do.

We have a date for the funeral now - 7th September. DDs are involved in planning and putting together what they want to say. DD2 has finally opened herself up to being sad, which I see as massive progress. I'm going to do a bit more digging through H's stuff today and tomorrow I'm going to start chasing up those life policies. I'm still tired all the time, but I am also looking forward to going back to work - I need some normal of my own.

Winstons Wish based in Cheltenham are brilliant with dealing with bereavement for children/teens. Particularly with complex grief.
You have been so strong. There is a lot of alcoholism in my family and my past relationships. Sending flowers for you and your girls.

Thinking of you all

Moonflower we have Nicky's Wish near us. They are a branch of the St Nicholas Hospice movement specialising in bereavement support for children and teens, and DD2 has already had counselling from them once in relation to losing her grandpa. That was definitely a complex bereavement situation and it's really good now that we know where to go. We can self refer in and they offer group as well as individual counselling.

I will go to CRUSE if I need it, though I think that my alcohol support group will probably be enough - they are all people I know well and trust, people who know the long backstory.

I have been doing so much adulting...

Just made an appointment with the vicar for the funeral service. Contacted the consulate to get the paperwork for notification of a citizen death abroad, which I need for the life insurance (whom I have also now made contact with).

Also stopped the divorce and am about to stop his rent as well.

I am tired all the time and at the same time I can't wait to go back to work on Monday.

I’m not surprised you’re tired! Once the funeral is done I hope you can take some recovery time. I’m so glad dd2 is finally starting to grieve. It’s so important that they work through their feelings (though I’ve no idea how I would start).

Try to take some time for your feelings too

You are doing amazing holding yourself and the DC together while also dealing with the practical side of everything.

When this is all over I really think you should take a short break and get some "me time". Don't forget about looking after yourself xxx

Work might give you a sense of 'normality' but make sure you don't push yourself to be there if it's making things worse for you. Now is a time to be totally selfish about what you need to get through this.

ponygirl if I need to get signed off, I will. Believe me.

cricketmum what I want at the end of all this is a break - but with my DDs, doing fun stuff, eating junk food (if we want it) and not engaging with reality at all. We're going to start small with Christmas shopping - but we're doing it in Camden this year with a somewhat bigger budget than usual. Then next year DD2 turns 16 and DD1 turns 18 so we are going to have a spa day for our joint birthdays (they fall within the space of a month) and have manicures and massages. On a smaller scale I am also treating myself in other ways - the marshmallows are all mine.

@pointythings now that sounds just perfect :)

Sounds like a lovely plan, pointy. DDs will enjoy all of that, I think. You can have my marshmallows too if you like, I am more about the savoury anyway.

Those sound like good things in the future.

I feel frustrated on your behalf; none of you should have gone through any of this. One day the world will settle again, but I wish it hadn’t needed to.

That's sort of how we feel too, Chris. DD2 just expressed the same feeling of senseless fatigue that I am struggling with. She and DD1 both want to go back to school so they can have a normal routine in a supportive environment, and I want to return to work for the same reason. And we all feel that life won't restart properly - grieving included - until the funeral is done.

That sounds like a healthy response at least. If nothing else, then this long wait has given them a chance to process the shock before the funeral.

You will have stability and normality again. It’s awful when you start craving for boredom and nothing to happen for a bit.

You are all doing so amazingly well. Keep pulling together. Sending you a meadow to romp through whenever you need it

Today we met with the vicar who will be conducting the service. DDs and I are all staunch atheists, but H had faith as do most of his family. This vicar was recommended by H's cousin and she was lovely - really took our feelings on board, consulted DDs, understood our choice in music and focused on all the right things. It really felt like a milestone.

I am going back to work tomorrow and I'm dreading it and longing for it in equal measure. I think it will be the best thing for me - I need to get out of the house. DDs have got time with friends planned for the last week of the school holidays.