My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

^ What everyone else said.

I'll never be pissed off with you being miserable - you have every right to be so - you can come here and be as mis as you want & we won't mind.

The days post funeral are the hardest of the lot - there is no focus ahead and real life & all its drudgery kicks in again so it's no wonder you feel so low.

Life will never be the same for you again, sorry but that's true, but there will be good/reasonable times ahead.

KBO, ElPesky, you can do it.

We are all here for you for days/weeks/months/years.

My love, as ever, (((xxx)))

Muddled ! xxxxxxxxxxx

Have cross posted with you, Pesky.

You will get there because you are a woman of enormous strength (which I suspect you don't think atm) - but you are.

And you will do it for your DCs & for M - you will find a new, harder, tougher, possibly sadder life but it will be there for you & there will be good times again.

Of that I am certain.

(((xxx)))

Oh magi you're a wise old bird really aren't you? Xx. Don't be taking advantage of my distraction now and making off with Pot ...

OI, Pesky - less of the 'old'

Pot is already lying ready in my bed (in my dreams.............!!)

In reality am off to bed as am shattered ce soir.

'see' you tomorrow.

xxxxxxxxxxx

You will get there because you are a woman of enormous strength

Yes you are, and you will.

so true - all of the above
we shall be here to listen, and be a rock to lean against

Shit, I said on my thread it was too late to come over to yours Juan but then I did, and having read your posts I couldn't not reply. Except I have nothing helpful to say - so can I just say "ditto" to what the others have posted, and wish you a peaceful night.
xx

Juan (and Squirrels),
Words can't do anything to relieve the bottomless devastation you must be feeling right now. I am thinking of you both.

Juan: I have been struck by your emptiness, which I am sure is very common as the reality of what is a new life hits. One thing I would share is that, when I was 16 and my brother 12, our mum died. The day following the funeral, my dad took us away. We went to Whitby for a few days; we'd never been there before and I think it was the only time I missed school (!), but if did help with that post-funeral slump, and it gave us a chance to lick our wounds and gather ourselves together a little in private. We talked about my mum a lot, but also consolidated our new life as a family of three.

I don't know if you could plan a short break with some of the family? Just a thought.

Hugs to you all

Juan. I'm not very good at saying what I want to say in just a few words, I came here last night and wrote you a message. But it was sooo long that I deleted it & I didn't know how to say, what I wanted to say, any more briefly. I wish I could see you in person.

I've just done it again. Started a short message that grew & grew. Deleted it.

Just know we are all here for you and NONE of us expect you to be fine/coping/moving on/cheerful/optimistic or anything else.

Be what you are, we are here xx

Juan, sorry to hijack again.

oxcat1, my DH'S funeral will be 7th April which is the end of the first week of the Easter holidays. My boys are 11 & 14. They will be at the funeral (their choice) and home with me that night, then at their dad's for a day-ish and home for most of the second week of the Easter holidays. I'd been wondering about getting away somewhere with them for those few days, but wondering if it was too soon. Your post has given me more to think about in relation to that - thank you.

Chipping your lovely message is exactly how I feel. I always feel embarassed my posts seem to go on and on. It seems there is no adequate way to descibe the empathy we all feel at this time. Hopefully the love will overflow down tinternet [hearts, gin, cappuccino cake emoticon rolled into one]

Squirrels:
Love. I would certainly consider it. Was does 'too soon' mean? It isn't a celebration, just a way of coming together to love and support each other, and to share memories and talk openly as thoughts arise. We did have some very happy moments - children can do that - and also sad ones, but I value the memories from that break as significant and valuable in themselves.

Could you do something while your boys are with their dad? Have you got a good friend that you could visit? One who wouldn't mind you collapsing into a weeping wreck at the kitchen table if that is what you need to do? I don't know, I was just a bit concerned about you being alone in an empty house, echoing with the absence of the boys as well as their beloved dad.

oxcat1 : I hope you don't mind, I have copied your message and my reply onto my thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting_illness/2848901-DHs-cancer-progression-DH-has-died-title-edited-at-request-of-OP here].

squirrels I don't in the least bit mind you posting on here, I don't consider it hijacking in the least. I'm only sorry that you too are going through this horrible process. Sending you love and support.

Chipping and daisy please don't apologise for the length of your messages, it just shows that you care enough to invest in the time and effort to capture your thoughts. I think it's so wonderful that complete strangers can reach out in this way - it makes me tearful, but in a good way. And also everything makes me tearful at the minute!

oxcat - thank you for your message, and I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum. I think getting away would be a nice idea but the logistics of it at the minute would be difficult. My two eldest would have to organize time off work, and the two youngest couldn't miss more school/college than they already have I don't think. But - we all went out for dinner to celebrate dd's 22nd birthday, 6 days before M died. And at that dinner, he said that he would like he and I to go to Rome so maybe that's something I can work towards in a few months.

I've not felt as bleak today as I did yesterday, that felt like a really low point. The dc have given me a lovely card and are making me dinner as I didn't want to go out anywhere. One of dd's friends managed to record all the speeches at the funeral. At the moment, we can only see the first 6 minutes of each speech (but this can apparently be sorted somehow when she and dd get together). I've been listening over and over again to them today - so glad we have them recorded. squirrels would this be something you would consider?

Tomorrow will be four weeks since M died, and also our 24th wedding anniversary. I fear it will be a bad day for me. I've been pretty good all day today but can feel myself getting tearful and panicky again just now. I have to get through the lovely dinner they're all preparing downstairs - in truth I feel sick and sad and heartbroken. That's sounds very melodramatic I know, but I do feel an actual physical pain. I hate this time of year when the seasons are changing - I actually think I have the opposite of SAD. I always feel unsettled by the turning of the year and the coming of the long days, and of course, right now, it all feel especially cruel.

I imagine tomorrow or the next day I will get a call to say M's ashes are ready for collection. It doesn't help to think this way but I can't help myself thinking that 24 years ago, on our wedding day, who knew that in 24 years time I'd be collecting his ashes. It still seems inconceivable to me that he's actually really gone - he was too big a presence and personality to be defeated by anything. People ask me if there is a significant place he would like his ashes to be scattered over. The truth of the matter is that as long as he was with me or the dc, he didn't care where he was. It wasn't the place that mattered to him, it was who he was with :(. I hate this so much.

Juan, I too started trying to write something last night and gave up because it was too long and too pretentious. So tonight I'll just say that I am thinking of you. Tomorrow will be very hard, no getting away from that. It must be an orderal to go through all the firsts (Mother's Day, birthdays, anniversary, Christmas etc etc).

I think you said earlier that M was just starting to get keen on gardening. Is there any way you could scatter his ashes on the garden, or into the spot where you plant a particular tree or shrub? Ignore this if it seems too ghoulish, or if there is a real possibility that you might have to move and leave the garden behind, although even then maybe you could plant something in a pot. I'm feeling my way here, having not experienced this, but maybe knowing that something of his essence was helping to nourish a beautiful plant might help later on. It might be a place where you could go to talk to him. This is probably very silly/maudlin, but I think in your circumstances what I would miss very much is the chance to talk to my husband. I could easily see myself going to a spot where I knew there was a little of his physical presence to have a chat.

Anyway, I'm glad the children have rallied round today. We're all here for you to help you get through tomorrow.

Much love.

Words seem so meaningless at this point! I'm glad to hear you were looked after today. Allow yourself time to wallow tomorrow but maybe also think of the wonderful times you've had. I'm only 7 years (4 wed) into my relationship so I can't even imagine how much shared history you and M had.

Juan your pain radiates from your words sweetheart. 🌷

I've wondered about getting the speeches recorded after following your thread, although I'm not sure people will make speeches - although last night I was writing one in my head I don't think saying it is a possibly.

I'd PM'd Chipping & Daisy saying exactly what you've posted about long replies. I'm glad you feel like that too.

Thank you lovely ladies for reassuring us 'long of post'. I am known for using 10 words when one will do, ha ha. It reminds me of the quote "I am sorry for the length of this letter, I did not have time to make it shorter". It could have been written by me, but it was by someone a lot wittier!

I hope you are able to sleep or rest a little tonight, juan (and to chasingsquirrels too) it is so interesting what you said about the clocks changing and how it makes you feel out of sorts. That is exactly how I feel!! I have always been disoriented every March and October, today was no exception. I'm glad it isn't just me going bonkers then. xx

Here also Juan - as you know, I am short of words, as otherwise I would end up doing a rambling mess to wade through.
Tomorrow is going to be a tough day, no doubt about it. Anniversaries of any kind are the worst , so I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
((hugs))

How many utterly fantastic times you must have had in those 24 years Juan, plus I'm guessing a few years before you married?
How go horrible that you haven't been able to share another 24.

I hope you managed to find some enjoyment in the meal your dcs made for you.
My boys made me millionaires shortbread at their dad's and brought it back this afternoon.

Tomorrow is going to be tough - the is no way of getting away from that.

But it will go, it will pass and you will KBO.

I have such faith in you to weather all of this, hard though it is.

My love & you will be so much in my thoughts tomorrow.

(((xxx)))

Yes, tomorrow will be very hard. Lean on those lovely DC of yours and your friends as much as you need. We will be here too, of course.

I second Gasp0de's suggestion of perhaps planting a tree in the garden in memory of M.

In our garden we have trees which we planted in memory of my dear grandmother, who I was very close to, and my MIL. My grandmother's tree is a flowering cherry, which she always loved. I get great comfort from seeing it from my kitchen window, especially when it's in bloom.

Thank you again all for caring. That was lovely of your boys squirrels - have you managed to eat any?

I've just remembered M saying that he considered the actual day that we met to be more important to him than our wedding day. And we met 26 years ago last Feb 23 - so four days before he died. Seeing his name linked to words like 'died', 'death', 'funeral' is still so very painful and surreal. When will I start to accept and believe he's really gone I wonder?

I think maybe putting some of his ashes in the garden might be a good idea. I bought him two yellow rose bushes for Christmas that he took great delight in. I remember him calling me outside sometime in Jan/Feb to look at the new leaves that were shooting. I also remember him saying he was looking forward to seeing his roses growing this year :(. I could put some ashes with them couldn't I? And of course we're going to have tattoos done also. I think I'd rather just keep the rest though so I know where he is. Is that very morbid?

I think this week will be difficult as we all settle back into some sort of normality - not that anything will be normal again. I really need to sort out my sleeping - I'm still scared to let go and most nights am still fighting it at gone 3am.

I don't think it's morbid at all to keep some of his ashes - it is such early days & you have already had so many decisions to make. There is no rush over this one.

Yes, you must sort out your sleep - you will get ill if you don't. I can't offer you any help there as am the worlds champion sleeper, but I would think a visit to your GP might well point you in the right direction of some help (and not necessarily pills).

My love - as ever. (((xxx)))

I think it's entirely fine to keep some of the ashes somewhere tangible, Juan. In my mother's case, they were interred in her parents' grave, as per her wishes - bit tough for my Dad, that one, but then he wants to be buried up near his own parents 200m north of where my parents live(d) so just as awkward.

There are some beautiful urn things to be had - one lovely lady on here, Rubbishmantra, had her DH's ashes put into something like one of these www.etsy.com/listing/224197014/wooden-urn-made-of-plum-with-mineral - a stunning piece of wooden artwork as well as something to be kept close. Maybe something like that?

Anniversaries suck. My mum died 2 weeks before my parents' 41st anniversary (and 3w before my 40th birthday) - very hard days for my Dad indeed. We pretty much ignored my birthday, didn't feel right to do much. Big (((hugs))) for you all - and for you Squirrels