My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

[Chasingsquirrels]

Morning Juan hope you got some sleep.
You don't need make any decision about the ashes just yet. I think the tattoos are an amazing idea - but am so not a tattoo person so won't be looking into that myself. Not sure what I'll do with John's - I'll offer some to his children, and maybe his mum.
And anniversaries do suck - the only other death which I've had close experience of was my grandma, we shared a birthday and she died 6 days before my 16th birthday. It took many years before I could view my birthday with any kind of enjoyment.
Hugs

[bookbook]

Morning Juan - not morbid to keep ashes. If thats what you want to do, why care about what other people think?
I will just say ( I will try not to ramble) that my garden is where I 'talk' to my DDad. Now he died a long time ago ,he taught me to love gardening, and plants and always helped me with mine. So as I go around, he is still stood at my shoulder , and his voice is in my head. I often think, if I could look around quickly enough, he would be stood there . And in a way - he is there - in the cuttings he gave me, the plants he helped plant.
So never think your M isn't with you , he is . Tend your roses, and talk to him while you do
Thoughts and prayers xxx

[daisychain01]

Anything to comfort you and keep a sense of connection with that dear man is absolutely your call Juan. It sounds like you have a wonderful circle of support in your life so people will accept your needs are critical at this time. And whats not to like about a beautiful rose or shrub to tend. There is no rush by the way. The crem where we had DHs service said they would keep his ashes for as long as needed. They understand that time is needed to think and decide on next steps for that loved one. We have a bench with plaque and a separate plaque in one of the many rose beds in the Crem. We scattered his ashes in the crem itself but there's no reason to decide something different. My SIL still has my DBro's ashes in a very beautiful handmade wooden urn and its still sitting on the shelf where it has been for the last year. I have no problem with that because it has been a great source of comfort for DSIL and I know she'll be moving house so wants to make a decision when she moves. She has my 100%support. It isnt in the least bit macabre or morbid. Just do what you need to xxx

[daisychain01]

Sorry no reason not to decide sonething different

[Willow2017]

Just popping in to say hi.
Your anniversary will be bloody hard no two ways about it but you will get through it with the support of your lovely family.

Just remember you don't have to make any rushed decisions about Ms' ashes. Take your time there is no 'right' thing to do just what's right for you.

Maybe your Gp could help with the sleeping problem their first choice may not be tablets or maybe just a few days supply to get you back into a sleep pattern. You can't go on without resting properly.
Take care.

Thinking about you (())

[TheConstantCakeEater]

Hope the sun is shining on you today. The roses sound like they will be a gorgeous reminder of M. I agree with everyone else. There is no right or wrong answer with regards the ashes.

[daisychain01]

Btw I seem to recall it was actually the funeral directors who safeguarded DHs ashes. I remember because they mentioned that sometimes couples like to be scattered or interred together so they hold onto them if that is the choice taken. Not everyone likes that because it delays the laying to rest until a future time. It's a very personal thing based on things like religious beliefs if any or family culture.

[2017SoFarSoGood]

The first of the anniversaries is amost over, it must have been a hard one. 24 years of marriage - that's something precious you had.

My mum kept my dad's urn by her bed for a full year. She'd put the lamp on when she went out (so he wasn't in the dark) and said good night last thing and good morning first thing. As it had been for 60 years. It gave her great comfort. There was talk at one point of scattering some of the ashes in several places he loved, but that came to naught. I'm glad. I could not bear the thought of him being in all different places at the same time - I don't think he would have liked that, he was a kind of home body.

The rose bushes sound like a perfect spot, as do the tattoos. Beautiful ways to carry him with you.

[NootNoot]

Juan- thinking of you. I hope you got through today xx

[bookbook]

Popping my head around the door , hoping you survived the day xx

[DramaAlpaca]

Thinking of you x

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Evening Aunties. Another hard sad day. Squirrels thinking of you - you may want to skip reading this post - don't want to upset you any more than you already are :(

As expected, got the call today to pick up M's ashes, and couldn't escape the irony of it being our wedding anniversary. Dd and I went together, and actually, while we were at the undertakers and talking to the administrator, I felt not too bad. I cried a bit when she brought him into the room, but all very manageable. But then we got home and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This tube of dust is my indestructible husband - a life full of honour and integrity and courage and bravery and humour and love and kindness - I could go on. All reduced to ashes. Oh I thought my heart would break. I still think it. It's inconceivable and incomprehensible. Just over four weeks ago he was living and breathing and being, and now this. It's too cruel. I don't know how people keep going. I have contained myself in front of the dc so I'm letting go here a bit, and I'm sorry. I'm not generally some sort of drama queen - I'm quiet and I cope and I don't want attention or limelight, and I feel that I'm being really melodramatic and not helping myself tonight. But I don't know how to do this. I don't want to do it without him. I will. But right now I don't want to :(.

M's best friend, P, has been such a support to us. Unfortunately, he lives in Leeds and we're down south, and he has a very full on job. He's rung as often as he's been able (for the first ten days after M died, P was in Somalia - still ringing when he could), he sends me long supportive texts, sends me memories and pictures of them together as boys etc. His speech at the funeral was - well I don't know how to describe it. I'm so glad we recorded it. He seems to be the only person who can calm me when I'm panicky at the minute but I hate to feel I'm bringing him down with me. I don't want to bring any of you lovely aunties down either so forgive me if that's just what I've done.

I think the last four or five days have been as bad as that moment when the nurse in the itu told me that M had gone. Perhaps even worse, as the initial numbness and shock of that night must have insulated us a bit from harsh reality. This is so horrible and I wish with all my heart that I could give my dc back their wonderful Dad.

[Chasingsquirrels]

Oh Juan I have no words. I just want to hold you and make it better.
🌷🌷🌷

[DramaAlpaca]

Oh Juan

I don't know what to say, except that I'm so sorry about today and about it all.

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Thank you both - it doesn't matter that you don't know what to say, what does matter is that you're there.

Squirrels did you disobey my instruction not to read?! You have enough of your own sadness to deal with, can't believe you're here supporting me.

[Chasingsquirrels]

Umm, yes I did - and I'm not sorry.
Your pain is just resonating from the screen.
I just don't know what to say, and I know nothing I say can make it better.
Bug hugs xx

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Oh Squirrels, what a lovely selfless person you are. I wish I could say something to help you too, but as you can see, I'm feeling my way very tentatively here. Some days are bearable, others not so much. If you think I can do anything at all - questions maybe - don't hesitate to ask. It's such a horrible thing to go through though that I think to be honest we each have to find our own way.

The love and support and thoughts and prayers of others are comforting and humbling, but we have to walk this particular path on our own and find our own way. I wish someone else could do it for us (although I wouldn't want to inflict this pain on anyone else) but they can't.

[Chasingsquirrels]

All so true.
And I wasn't sending you spiders and cockroaches (wtf is a "bug hug"??) - big hugs!

[Chasingsquirrels]

Oh, and I don't think I'm lovely and selfless at all. But my god these last few months have changed me.

I want to fast forward through the pain, but I don't want to fast forward away from John.

I hope you sleep tonight Juan.

[DramaAlpaca]

Chasingsquirrels you are another amazing, strong woman

[marriednotdead]

Hello

I have no magic wand to ease the pain Juan, but with all my heart I wish I could hug you and somehow soften the rawness of your grief.

Squirrels, I think of you too. I guess posting here helps because you know that Juan can truly understand how you're feeling right now. Holding virtual hands while we walk alongside, willing you on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

You certainly are selfless - but yes, you can hold on to the spiders and insects :)

I know precisely what you mean about fast forwarding through the pain but not wanting to leave John behind. I feel disloyal almost that I'm trying to forge a life without M - oh I don't know why I'm bothering with initials, I'm sure anyone who wanted to could easily find out who I am, so Mark, not M. I feel that trying to feel better is a betrayal somehow. In some perverse sort of way I don't want the pain to fade because that means Mark is getting further away and I don't want that. I want him here with me always.

married thank you - a handhold and a hug is always welcome.

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Just avoiding sleep pondering. Continuing on the leaving-them-behind theme, sometimes the only way I can deal with the panic or pain that results from thoughts of Mark is to push those thoughts straight out before they have a chance to take hold. But that makes me feel awful as if I'm denying him. Well, I am. So I have to weigh up the lesser of two evils - do I deal with the pain, or do I betray him?

And sometimes I wonder how Mark would be dealing with all this if it was me who had gone first. Sometimes I wish it was me who had gone first. He had enough to deal with, the least that some higher power could have done was to give him some extra time to compensate for all the pain and disappointment he had to put up with.

Pointless questions I know ...

[Somerville]

Sorry I haven't been around Juan but have been thinking of you.

No answers here, very much still feeling my way, 2 and a half years on, but I can say that I tried the not-getting-on-with-my-life strategy in the early days, so as to stay closer to DH1, but it left me feeling even more guilty: he'd have hated me like that, a wavering shadow of myself. Keeping on keeping on worked for me, I realised after several months. And somehow it didn't feel like stepping away from DH1, as I had imagined, but in continuing the journey of our lives together - albeit alone at that stage.

I remember that agony of thinking about him, agony of not thinking about him so, so well. Still experience it sometimes, but it is something that time has helped with to a big extent. I can enjoy many of my memories of him now, without them being ruined by the cruelty of his early death, or my agony at missing him, like in the early days.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Hello Somerville thank you for posting - must be very poignant having those difficult dark early days resurrected by reading this thread. Think it's very brave of you and I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I will keep on keeping on because, like your Dh, Mark would hate to see me live a half life. The most important thing in his life was his family and I know he'd want what was best for me and the dc. My head knows that but my heart isn't cooperating at the minute - it wants to cling on to the past and relive the last months and bring him back.

I'm so pleased for you that you're now at a point where you can enjoy your memories - that's lovely. And thank you for giving me that as something to aim for eventually.