My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

Feeling really sad and tearful tonight. Want him back :(

I know you do. This is crap.

Oh Juan of course you do.
I hope you've shed the tears you needed to and are now sleeping.
I love "Chipping" comment about taking M with you as you find your new normal.
xx

Thank you for asking about ds2, Juan, he's well on the way to being back to his normal 4yo self, although we're still in for one more night, thanks to a temp spike late yesterday afternoon.

Your day sounds moving, very hard and yet wonderful too, all at the same time. But you've all got through it, and now, now is the time to start adjusting to your "new normal" and your "year of firsts". Remember there is no "correct" way to get through this, everyone deals differently with grief so take things as they come and be kind to yourself (and you too, squirrels)

Thanks for the link to squirrel's thread book, I'll go over there now.

and all round x x

Don't feel guilty for feeling sad and teary ( or any other emotion - have you done anger yet?- I got quite angry at my DDad being taken at 64 ) - it is only natural in truth .
It is going to be hard to return to a relatively normal life - it will be baby steps forward , and leaps back .

thoughts and prayers xx

Thank you for telling us about the amazing sendoff yesterday Juan, that must have taken it out of you just writing it down like that.

It all sounded beautiful and such a tribute to M that hopefully was in some way healing. Yet, it's such a horrible realisation that the one person you needed there was the person you were saying farewell to

As has already been said so wisely on here, don't expect too much of yourself. It's all very 'unknown', strange and difficult to process. You may go through a myriad of feelings or then again you may feel dumb and void of feelings, or all of those things in the space of 5 minutes.

Main thing is, please take extra special care of yourself, and try to do something nice each day, a walk in the early Spring sunshine, some music or put a vase of flowers on the table. Something, anything to uplift your spirit, at a time your world is 'down in your boots'. xx

Evening lovely Aunties. Squirrels, I can't believe how selfless you are being posting on here when your own world has ground to a halt. It's wonderfully kind of you and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, but you need to concentrate on you. I hope that doesn't sound as if I want you to go away - I most definitely don't, just want you to look after yourself first and foremost.

It's been a sad difficult day today for lots of us - me, dd, ds3, M's best friend P, M's sister. Lots of messages and calls going to and fro about how hard we're finding it today - it must be some sort of 2-day post-funeral syndrome. Looking back, it seems to already have taken on some sort of mythical quality, as if it happened years ago, not just two days ago. Also, my memories are hazy, almost as if I'd been drinking - which I hadn't. Fortunately, one of dd's friends managed to record most of the speeches, so we'll be able to listen back as and when.

I had an old school friend, who I haven't seen since my wedding day (24 years ago on Monday), visit today. She wouldn't even stay for a cup of tea, but even so it was lovely to see her. And two of the teachers from the school which my 3 eldest have been through, and which ds3 is currently at in year 8, sent me nice emails. They said how inspirational it had been hearing about M's life, and how they felt they ended the day better people than they began it. I thought that was so kind of them.

I haven't exactly done anger yet book but I do feel a bit resentful when I think of some of the people who are spared when good people are not. I think my overriding emotions are still disbelief, sadness, panic, despair. I feel a physical ache of loss as well, almost like feeling permanently sick. :(

Juan, as someone who separated from her husband after 37 years of marriage I would just like you to know that the way you've spoken of your darling husband has re-enforced to me that its ok to still love what me and my husband had together before it all went wrong. We're not defined by the present, we're more than that.

Thank you. xxxxxx

I know - it surely rankles , and feels like you have had part of you removed I suspect .
But I do hope it will ease for you in the course of time.
Let your mind rest if possible - eat, drink, be kind to yourself . Allow yourself some time outside in the nice weather this weekend , enjoy the daffodils , hard as it may seem .
Thoughts , prayers and strength to you xx

MrsPeelyWaly - 37 years, wow. I'm sorry to hear things went wrong for you, but what a kind message - thank you. The majority of those years must have been good or you wouldn't have made it so far - I'm glad you can dwell on the good times.

book it does feel like a part of me has gone, you're right. I know I just have to ride it out but it hurts :(. I just opened the cupboard for something and saw some tins of soup. M did an Internet food shop which arrived the Monday before he died, including those tins of soup - it breaks my heart that he didn't get the chance to eat them. It's the littlest things that get you sometimes.

Sending you peace and rest to aid recovery x

Oh the little things Juan
On Tuesday evening I got something from the fridge and saw the half eaten bowl with some yoghurt in - which was the last thing DH had managed to eat some of and which I'd just put in the fridge for him to finish later. Thankfully my mum got rid of it before I next opened the fridge after he died on Wednesday.

I've read (no experience yet) that there is a come down in the aftermath of the funeral - kind of the same with weddings I suppose - but then you usually go off on honeymoon or you have the joy of starting your life together. Whereas a funeral is just an ending.

I hope you sleep tonight, I'm going to have to make myself go soon or I'll sit on the sofa half the night.

Squirrels :( I'm so sorry, it's heartbreaking I know. Are you managing to sleep? Is your mum staying with you? How are your dc doing? Wish I could say something helpful or useful, but sometimes there are no words.

Thinking of you both - the love and pain is radiating from the screen.

Glad that you had such a lovely send off for M. Your children and friends sound like they paid lovely tributes.

The coming days and weeks may feel like an uphill battle because it's now the reality of learning to live without your special and wonderful life partner and friend.

Unfortunately I found it got harder after the funeral, albeit the memory of everyone being at the funeral was a great comfort, because people naturally get back to their everyday lives whereas I was left with a gaping hole that couldn't be filled. That's the reality isn't it.

Anyway, what I mean to say is you can always count on support here if it helps to know you have a haven of Aunties for a handhold when you need it. In the words of that lovely Hollies song (adapted):

"She ain't heavy, she's my sister"

Definitely to "post-funeral" emptiness; up until that point you've had a focus, something to work towards despite the awfulness, and then when it's over there's nothing similar to focus on, so you're left with just dealing with the situation. Also, offers of help tend to drop off at this point - as has been said, for others, the funeral is the "end" of this, whereas for you it's just the beginning.

People who have been through similar are more likely to rally around at this point because they know - but people who haven't may drop off the radar a bit. Not their fault, but you may feel a bit abandoned at that point.

There are facebook groups for widowed people, if that's something you think might interest you; general support and possibly social opportunities if you need them. But you might not want, it might be too soon or just something that really doesn't appeal to you.

All this post is going to apply to Squirrels as well, a bit further down the line.

Big (((hugs))) to both of you, and to others who have been through this before. xx

Just popping my head around the door, to check you are okay xx

Popping in too. Will be around later x

Evening Aunties. squirrels how are things for you today? I hope you have lots of love and support.

daisy I can totally see why you found it harder in the days and weeks after the funeral, I've really struggled today. It's been a beautiful sunny day but for me that makes it worse, underlines the futility of it all.

My dc have all been out and busy and getting on with things which is brilliant and absolutely how it should be. But I feel so lost and purposeless and downright sad. I miss him so so much. I've tried to be busy but it hasn't much helped.

I'm sitting in the kitchen now with a cup of tea that dd's boyfriend just made me before they went out. I'm surrounded by the literally hundreds of cards and letters we've had, and are still getting. I'm looking at the funeral flowers and the beautiful bouquets kind people have brought. And I just wish none of it was here and that M was sat in his usual spot in the sitting room, waiting for me to join him.

I don't want to be broken. He wouldn't want me to be. And I don't want people to get fed up of me being miserable. But right now this minute the future is looking so daunting and bleak and long and lonely :(

oh Juan - {{hugs}} - allow yourself to be as you are. There is no time limit on grief, you just have to let it work through.
And remember , you are still emotionally exhausted - it takes it's toll on your mind and body. You have to let both recover before you can lift to eyes to the future.
thoughts and prayers for you xxx

Thank you book. I don't know why it's so particularly painful today. Today I feel the closest I've felt to giving up than at any time since he died. By giving up I don't mean harming myself, I just mean retreating into myself and stopping trying to cope. But I can't and won't do that. He never did.

Is it because you think you should be feeling better - you wake up thinking today will be better, and actually it isn't?
So then its worse ..
So one foot in front of the other , look after yourself and the dc, and survive another day
xx

Oh Juan - I wish I could say something deep and meaningful but all I can think is:

it's shit and it's probably going to be shit for a while
Then you'll have moments which won't be shit and eventually those moments will stretch into hours then days. And the days will come to have less shit bits and more good bits. For the time being ride out the shit anyway you can and grab the non shit bits however fleeting they are.

See? not deep and meaningful but said with lots of love to you.

Sorry you're having such a difficult day, Juan.

Like the others have said it makes sense that the days after the funeral are really difficult. For the last few weeks you've been planning and organising, there have been people around all the time, but now it's over and you are faced with a new future.

It's going to take time coming to terms with your new normal. You can't rush it & you have to allow yourself time to grieve.

I feel for you, this must be so hard. Please look after yourself and reach out to your friends as often as you need to.

x

You're all so kind, taking the time to care.

Ehsamy I think you've summed it up pretty well - just a case of waiting for the shit bits to get shorter! But the shit bits are currently so painful :(.

book I think people will be thinking "she knew he was ill, what's she so surprised about?". In reality, I'm sure no one is thinking that way but I've always been the coper, and suddenly I'm not coping because my reason for coping has gone. Not sure that makes sense!

Drama the new future scares me. But you're right, there's nothing I can do bar give it time. I'll get there I'm sure. I'm so much luckier than lots of people - I have a lot of support from friends and family, and of course on here. But only I can walk this particular path and today it's been really hard. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Thank you all. X