My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

[magimedi]

Heading over there now.................

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Thank you Petally x

[PetallyTyrants]

Juan's lovely new thread

[JuanPotatoTwo]

I've started a new thread called something like "Dh has died - the MN Aunties are helping me move on". Please will some kind person link to it for me? Thank you.

[TheConstantCakeEater]

Glad to hear you got some sleep. Won't post on here again now, but a link to a new one or just a new on in Relationships will do. We will find you x

[DramaAlpaca]

Morning Juan, I bet that was the longest sleep you've had in weeks & I'm sure it's done you the world of good physically.

The letter - yes, what book says is good, what you wrote in your post above just needs filling out. Whatever you write will be from the heart & the consultant will know that.

I'm loving magi's thread title suggestion - Juan & the Aunties

Make sure you link it here so we don't lose you.

Wishing you a day that's as good as it can be x

[bookbook]

Morning Juan - put a link to the new thread on here, and we can follow.
So glad to hear you managed some length of sleep last night.
In truth re the letter - what you actually wrote from here Its difficult to put in a letter twenty odd years (and the rest) looks like a good start that just needs a bit of filling out.
Take care of yourself - thoughts and prayers xx

[magimedi]

Juan & the Aunties?

Pot Thief? (you won't lose me, then ).

I think it is really positive that you feel like your own company - a wee step forward, Pesky.

I am off to Hastings (where even the tide is afraid to come in ).

'See' you later.

(((xxx)))

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Good morning lovely folks. I slept yesterday from about 4pm to nearly 6 this morning so currently feeling bit better.

How are things for you squirrels? Thinking of you. Yesterday was a dreadful day but all your messages were as helpful as ever. Mishy I had assumed you meant your Dad! I'm still blown away that people care enough to post such considered, thoughtful and potentially painful words as they do. I can't thank you all enough.

I'm still getting cards and messages. I am of course very grateful but they make me sad too in a strange way. These people have had a whole month of still believing Mark is alive. Does that even make sense? Mark's friend P is in their hometown today for work and has said that later he is going to go to the playing fields they played on as boys. I've asked him to send me some pictures so I imagine there will be more tears later on.

I've cancelled my friend coming over this morning as, although I feel much better for having slept last night, I feel like my own company today. It's already a week since the funeral - how can that have gone so quickly?

I'm going to write a thank you letter to Mark's consultant but I'm pondering how to word it. It's difficult to put in a letter twenty odd years worth of gratitude. He was as much a friend to Mark as a doctor, which is one of the things he said in his speech at the funeral. But he was a friend to me too - I often used to go with Mark for consultations, and we'd usually spend five minutes talking about Mark, and the rest of the time talking about our dc. He too has a large family, and both of our last sons were born on the same day, same year. I told him at the funeral that he had become a part of our family history and I didn't want to let that go and he said he would be sure to stay in touch. I want to reiterate that in my letter but don't want to sound strange or desperate or as if I'm stalking him!

Dd's boyfriend's dog had her one - yes, only one, puppy yesterday so the pics and videos of him have cheered me up. He's a farmer (her boyfriend) so the newborn has a lovely life of fields and lakes to look forward to.

I'm going to need a new thread aren't I? What can I call it to ensure I don't lose any of you?

Wishing you all a safe, happy and healthy day. And many many thanks.

[bookbook]

I am back, I wish I could help, but all I can do is send strength, love and prayers to you.xxx

[magimedi]

I've said it before & I'll say it again:

We are here for you - however long that may be.

I have a feeling that all you tears are healing - in the long run. better to weep than to hold back - am certain of that.

My love to you &the DC.

(((xxx)))

[JaneJeffer]

Hi Juan, thinking of you. You're not being a drama queen at all. Everything is still so raw for you and it being your anniversary must have been so hard. I think you are doing so well and being so strong for your children.

[LavenderG]

Well done for getting out today Juan. Take one day at a time and don't hold back from posting here. We are all here to support x

[DramaAlpaca]

Juan thank you for sharing Mark's name with us.

Sorry you had such a tough time when you were out today, but good on you for actually managing to get out there. It'll be hard for a long time, you are inevitably going to see memories everywhere.

SleepingTiger that is a beautiful, eloquent post.

[SleepingTiger]

Feeling for you Juan and thank you for expressing yourself so beautifully.

I have not read the full thread and I will not be able to. Just want to say your love was meant to be physically only a part of your life. There is no variation of this, for any of us. You have the gift, and the power, to keep that memory alive in you. This is because life goes on. For you and your children, life goes on. He, you and they are all lucky that you found each other, to create what you did, in the time that you had. But it isn't over, he is there inside of you all.

So get out and about and take him places.

[daisychain01]

Massive big ((((hugs)))) to you Juan. Everything takes on significance at the moment and probably always will. The associations with everything to do with your beloved. I have a subconsious habit to always associate a date on a receipt, bank statement, boring old household bill with either pre-losing DH or post-losing DH. Everything is just a cruel reminder. Even though it will get easier and yes it will, its just getting through the awful M&S weepy moment at the moment Gaaad have I had a few of those. Actually I had to abandon a basket of Tesco shopping once I got myself in such a state. So if you're feeling a bit bonkers and gone off yer trolley dont worry you're not the only one [Grin] xxx

[TheConstantCakeEater]

Just checking in again Juan No useful words or experience thankfully but it does indeed sounds like the shock and grief is still coming in waves for you.

None of us on here mind you venting as long or often as you like and I'm sure M's friend will do as much as he can.

Hope that you've made it home now. No one would think anything of you if you did break down and sob and if they knew they'd be sympathetic.

[MishyMashy1]

Sorry, missed out an important part of my post! It was my dad who made the remark about the screaming abdabs.

[MishyMashy1]

My mum died when I was a teenager (many decades ago).
He later confided in me that going to the shopping centre in town without mum gave him the "screaming abdabs".

Sending love to Juan and Squirrels.

[JuanPotatoTwo]

daisy thank you for that message. I can only begin to imagine the shock it must have been for you. So much of what you say makes sense. "Pain-like-shards-of-glass is such an accurate description, I catch my breath on a memory sometimes. It physically hurts. I know that things will improve with time, I know it's early days, I know I'll be able to look back and cherish memories. All these things I know - but right now I simply can't imagine getting there.

I had a few errands in town today so came in on my own for the first time since Mark died. Every shop I've been in has sparked off some memory so I gave up and am sat in M & S cafe. I'm trying hard not to cry but tears are streaming down my face. Fortunately I'm facing a back wall and I'm not making any noise! I hate these bright sunny days with a passion. I did anyway but more so now, they seem so cruel and remorseless if a day can be described that way. Got to try and get a grip so I can leave here without embarrassing myself!

[Wheelycote]

Much love and hugs to you

[bookbook]

So sorry I wasn't able to pop back last night.
There are no words from me that I think will help ,but thank you for sharing Mark's name with us.
I am going to be very busy today, but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, hopefully sending strength xxx
And Chasing too xx

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Something else that might help you on a daily basis - first time you look in the mirror every day, smile. However hard it is, smile at yourself. It does help, in some bizarre way, even if you feel a bit silly to start with.

(((hugs))) for you. xx

[daisychain01]

Hello Juan, I woke up and thought I would check to see if you're OK.

It is very very very early days yet, it is absolutely natural that you should feel conflicted about moving forward without Mark physically by your side. I remember being invited to a BBQ 2 months after DH died and feeling disloyal because I was at a social event without him. Those early months were all about trying to get my head (and heart) around his loss as he died very suddenly (no prior warning). Looking back, I went through all the disbelief you are experiencing. It's all consuming and overwhelming.

There is no discernible time when the pain-like-shards-of-glass through my heart lessened, it just sort of faded over a very long period, but even now some years later, I still mourn his loss and that will continue for all time, because our love was wonderful and life has this bloody awful habit of kicking us in the teeth when we don't expect it.

Please don't you dare feel bad, self- conscious or attention- seeking for your grieving, you have every right to feel whatever you want. There are no rules, remember. Just be the lovely person you are, take it nano-second at a time, and don't expect it to make sense. It won't ever, so don't struggle to rationalise, or regret, or expect anything predictable to be involved in this mourning process. The feelings will ebb and flow, you will think you've cracked it then, Bang! Something will happen that reminds you of Mark and it could set you off. Then you'll realise, I love that man so much, I still care and how wonderful to still feel upset ( it's a comforting thought, in a weird sorta way).

Main thing is, try to do one nice thing a day, anything, and if you find some happiness you can say to Mark that he can be at rest and not have to worry because you are fine. Don't feel bad in other words, feel OK with it. for his sake.

It all takes a lot of practice! xx

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Hello Somerville thank you for posting - must be very poignant having those difficult dark early days resurrected by reading this thread. Think it's very brave of you and I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I will keep on keeping on because, like your Dh, Mark would hate to see me live a half life. The most important thing in his life was his family and I know he'd want what was best for me and the dc. My head knows that but my heart isn't cooperating at the minute - it wants to cling on to the past and relive the last months and bring him back.

I'm so pleased for you that you're now at a point where you can enjoy your memories - that's lovely. And thank you for giving me that as something to aim for eventually.