squirrels I'm so sad for you. Do you want to tell us about your Dh and what you've been through? I wish we were united by anything other than this horrible band of loss and grief.
Yesterday was lovely in so far as you can ever call a funeral lovely. Seeing the coffin in the hearse was heart wrenching - I cried all the way to the crem and right through the service. Lots of people did. My two eldest boys, M's brother, his nephew and one of his friends carried him in, and youngest son and I, and Dd and her boyfriend followed them. There were so many there, all seats were taken and people were stood round the sides and at the back.
The piece of music we chose for the middle bit of the ceremony was Old Man River by Paul Robeson - M used to sing it in his deep booming voice. There are some lines in it which are particularly poignant - "tired of living, scared of dying".
After everyone but us had filed out, the funeral director asked everyone to leave except me. He told me he'd lost his wife in October and although losing anyone is always painful, when you lose someone you've actually chosen it's a different kind of grief. He wanted me to have a few minutes alone with M. I thought that was so kind - but standing there next to the coffin, knowing what would happen once I left, nearly did for me :(. They had to lead me away in the end.
The mood at the rugby club was a bit lighter. My three oldest dc each read a tribute they'd written to their Dad - I was so proud of them having the courage to stand and speak in front of a packed room on such an emotional occasion. Just before we left home yesterday a poem by Dylan Thomas suddenly came to mind - Do Not go Gentle . It really just came to me out of nowhere, and I thought it so apt, that I asked ds1 to read it out. If ever anyone could be said to "rage rage agsinst the dying of the light" it was M.
M's best friend, P, who had been our best man, made a moving tribute, M's consultant spoke of his bravery, one of his old rugby team mates spoke of his prowess on the pitch etc. Everyone had such wonderful memories to share. Dd had put together a short film made up of videos she'd taken of M on her phone over the years. To hear and see M laughing and joking on the screen was poignant and painful - how can he not be here anymore?
Thank you to all of you who thought of us, and daisy how lovely you found a red candle. The poems from Ehsamy, daisy, 2017 and Drama were lovely to read - so kind of you to take the time to post them. Oh and Thumb I hope your ds2 is ok now?
We've all been feeling sad and empty and aimless today but we expected to. Next few months will be grim I suspect while the reality of what's happened slowly sinks in. I still don't feel any closer to accepting he's gone :( xx