"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's February 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

First time posting on this thread but I've lurked for years. Always thought my f was a bit like the people talked about, but didn't feel it was really bad enough to call it abuse etc... Til a few months ago when I woke up, the fog cleared a bit and I saw things as they really are and stood up to him. His behaviour since then has made me finally realise that he was abusive all along and I was brainwashed into believing the lies - I suspect he would actually be diagnosed with full-blown npd tbh and it's now actually strange that I never saw it before (but he is extremely covert, which makes it so hard to understand what's going on, especially with a codependent dm).

Anyway, I just want to say thank you to the people on these threads for sharing things that have gradually opened my eyes. atilla I know I recognise your name from a good while ago and so many times the things you've said have trickled through, a little bit at a time. toomuch your blog is brilliant, although I don't feel ready to say much on here we've got a lot in common and your posts led to me buying and reading Pete walkers book, which has blown my mind (in a good way). Someone (sorry i don't remember who now) on the last thread talked about an old boss they'd had and it was so validating, apart from some differences in the details they might as well have described my f. Between all of you and some of my lovely friends irl you've actually made a massive life change possible that I suspect may never have happened otherwise.

polly just wanted to add, my dd is much older than yours and it was my f's treatment of her that was the final straw. I really regret not seeing it sooner and protecting her from him. You're not overreacting.

I'm thinking of starting a separate thread, but if anyone has any advice on how to help anyone else to open their eyes to someone being a covert narc (I'm thinking of my dm and sibling mainly) that'd be really helpful.

You guys are awesome :-) Frankie I hope it goes well with the counselling. Good luck!

Lurky that is a great question about how to spot a NPD. One thing I've heard is to just try enforcing a boundary, and see what they do. Normal people will maybe grumble but they'll change their behaviour, ultimately. Narcissists will usually go totally batshit crazy or ignore you entirely. I think often if people have grown to with a narcissist they are so used to accommodating every whim that they don't realise that the narc has never had to cope with a limit on their wants. Even more so for married men I think, as it's so normalised for women to emotionally manage their husbands.

I must have told this story 10 times but my mother stopped talking to us on her last visit to us when my DH imposed the smallest boundary ever on her. We were in a café and my kids, 3yo, were having chips. My mother lifted one of two sachets of ketchup and my DD1's lip starts to wobble. DH says "that's DD1'S ketchup but you can get some more up at the till." That was it, minimal communication till she went home. Looking back I'm actually not that surprised she so easily dropped contact after I wrote to her. We were a shite source of narcissistic supply. Imagine, having to get your own ketchup. What an imposition

I think dineout you wanted to see this thread.

I haven't been on for a few weeks - I'm not sure how many . I've been busy looking after, and recovering, from my weekndly visits from my nephew, and dealing with my mother. She seems to be worse than ever at the moment.

I'm so close to just losing my shit. I cried this evening because of her. I literally cried. Tears, blocked nose, the works. I'm not sure how much more of my mother I can put up with anymore. If somebody walked through the door and told me to go away with them, I'd do it. I'd risk my own life just to get away. Damnit!

Whatever I do is wrong. If I do something she's guaranteed to tell me how it's wrong and what I did wrong. If I don't do something then I'm just a lazy shit. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

For Christmas, this is relevant, it took me ages to think of something I'd like. My mother insisted that I was going to have something and I was to tell her what I wanted. I finally decided I'd like a new dog harness (my Staffy has outgrown his significantly). She told me she wasn't going to buy that as it wasn't a suitable present. I'm 24, I'm sure I can decide for myself what I'd like as a gift. I then had to think of something else - it was a week, or two, before Christmas before I finally decided on something - a hair straightening brush - that I've only used once. My birthday is in 3 months time, to save on the same arguments I thought I'd start thinking now. I decided I'd like to visit my niece, nephew and their mum (brother's ex, almost a sister though) in Scotland. It'd cost about £100-ish, as I'd only have to pay for a one way journey (they're coming down to visit sometime around then and I was going to do back up with them and stay at their house). I suggested my mum halved with my sister. That's fine she said. That was Friday. I told my niece and nephew's mum. On Saturday she decided to tell me that maybe she doesn't want to spend that much on my birthday and I'll either have to pay for it myself, or not go. This evening she's decided to tell me that she might pay and that I'm twisting her words. She knows I was looking forward to it - I was thinking of going up just after Christmas (only mentioned it to her) - and I think that's why she's doing it.
She spent about an hour-2 hours basically telling me how much of a disappointment I am.

She's just playing games with me. She tells people how much she does for me and I have had people tell me how much of a wonderful mother she is for x,y and z.. but they don't know the REAL her. The woman who gets so much enjoyment out of running the only child of hers who actually does anything for her down. It wears me out and I think I'm getting close to my breaking point.

Hello, it's my first visit to the stately home. I was hoping someone here might be able to recommend where I might access some counselling? The kind I need to sort through the muddle in my head about my Dad. I've been to my GP and they just refer you to CBT which works ok for a bit but I can't seem to get a resolution about what to do with him. I think I need to actually unpick the issues rather than just training myself not to worry about them IYSWIM?

It's been a long rocky road with him for as long as I can remember but it's currently reached the point where his phone calls give me a panic attack and upset me for days. I think I need the courage of my convictions to go NC but it will cause ruptions in the family and I need to know it is the right thing?

Hi midden,

BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Counsellors though are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

You may also want to read the resources at the start of this thread too.

Do you want to talk some more about your Dad?. Where is your mum and siblings in all this?.

I would say that it is not your fault your dad is the ways he is; you did not make him that way. His own parents did that lot of damage to him.

Lurker of the threads. Currently out of a flashback and feeling very raw, so can't write much. I've written once on this name about my childhood: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2865593-Is-this-actual-child-abuse-trigger-warning

I've been reading the current thread related to child abuse (in AIBU?) and most of the replies tell the OP she needs to go NC.

Am I a complete wuss and totally in the wrong, and a total failure, if I don't go NC? I honestly don't think I ever ever could. I try to have boundaries and distance, but I would feel crushingly guilty about NC to a point I think it would ruin my life.

Thank you attlia. I'm sorry I'm snowed under tonight. Bit it's good to know there is somewhere to talk about this.

Has anyone solved the problem of finding a Mother's Day card that doesn't have a lovely message inside, doesn't say "Best Mum in the world", doesn't mention the word "love" on the front, but looks like you've made an effort to find a nice card??

Do you still feel a sense of obligation to her?.

Your mother tarbert is not worthy of the term. I would not even bother sending her a card.

I've not spoken to her and I've had a chance to calm down. I still need to sort things out but I don't see me revisiting this i.e. making it final for many months because I could do without the upset right now.

The (recent) history is:
There was a row in November, that left me really upset (such that it was effecting my daily life) until the beginning of January. It was immediately after that row, that I felt that the time had come to give up trying. I still feel that way.
December was the first time in my entire life, that I had the courage to refuse to take her phone calls.
My siblings knew about the row at the time. DB was very supportive, said he understood and often felt the same way. Dsis sounded annoyed and told me she wouldn't be trying to fix it. I told her that I didn't want her to (and I don't). I only told her at all because she wanted me to do something with DM and so I had to tell her that I would not be able to.
About a month ago, I had an operation.I had barely woken up from the operation (I mean this literally) when I started getting calls from my sister putting pressure on me to let DM contact me. I reluctantly agreed to 1 text and over the next few days received many from her plus a few attempts at calling me. It really upset me and it wasn't great as I was in a lot of pain etc. After a few days, i finally found the courage to tell DM to stop. I said I'd be in touch to discuss what happened between us when I'm ready but that would be a long way off and btw please don't involve the others.
That stopped it and now I'm physically better and feeling happier because I've had a few weeks of peace.

Anyway, I've been asking myself what she did that was so bad in November? And the answer is that she was unpleasant to be around by anyone's standards but the reason I took it so badly is because of the history of her long standing (30-40+ years) behaviour towards me. I think if I had never met her before, i'd have just thought what a spiky, difficult, unreasonable old woman. But being her DD, I ended up sobbing constantly and feeling worthless.

So, now Mother's Day is coming up. I feel that the easiest way through this is just to send her a card and then put her out of my mind for another few months, but I had a quick look in the shops and its the same problem I have every year - the cards are too warm.

How awful tarbert I hope you are recovered now. I so sympathise with your remarks. I am currently wondering quite why it's so upsetting and why I can't just toe the line like normal people.
PS if I see a card with a message that reads 'I imagine you did your best' I'll let you know!

dear tarbert, yes I struggle with Mother's Day too, I usually end up with a blank card and write happy Mother's Day. I find it painful and in your face all the cards of wonderful, lovely mum when in fact people here have the polar opposite.

I identify with your ebb and flow of feelings but I think dm plays on this behaves outrageously, quiet for a while and cheesily nice to draw you back in only to hurt you again.

I am lucky in that both my sisters share the same low contact, no info given, low tolerance of dm. The reason I have contact is my df is unwell.

your posts just after the incident with your mother were visceral, I could feel your pain through your words, please don't let her draw you near to only hurt you again. I know I am in no position to give advice btw.

I often think how different my life could have been if my self esteem wasn't decimated by my dm chronic put downs.

Attila, I find my mother getting worse with age, is this the usual pattern.

xx

Age does not mellow such people in my experience Coconut; they've always been like it.

Your mother Tarbert simply buttered you up before doing something really nasty. This is precisely how narcissistic people like your mother operate. Its the, "come closer so I can hurt you again" tactic.

Your sister was used purely as simply as a flying monkey sent in by your mother to do her bidding for her. She also acted in her best interests and certainly not in yours.

Honestly Tarbert your mother is not worthy of the term let alone a mother's day card. Free yourself from the tyranny of having to buy such things. I would not even buy her a blank card to write in; show your disapproval by not buying a card for her. Raise your boundaries a lot higher; that is not easy given the fact that she's trained you to put you last and serve her but boundaries can be raised.

Emotionally healthy people do not denigrate their now adult children in the ways you have been and still are. It is not your fault your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that to her; what if anything do you know about her own family background?. Pound to a penny there's a mass of familial dysfunction in it.

Yes, there is a heart breaking amount of nastiness in DM's family, and she suffered from birth. On every level, she was badly treated and even if you discount her twist on the telling, there's a lot of evidence there that DM had a truly awful time.

If it was a competition - which it isn't - then she had it much worse than me.

I really do feel sorry for her for what she went through. But i am mad that she thought what she did to me was ok because it was better than her experience even though she knew full well that her experience fell well short of any standard of how to treat a human being since the middle ages.

All those cards... is that how people with normal mother-daughter relationships feel about their mum??
e.g. some people really believe they have the best mum in world? Or they ant to send all their love??

I genuinely find it hard to get my head around it.

I need a card that says "Its mother's day. Hope you have a good day." Then I can just forget about it.

Prozac I've read your thread and I don't think anyone would call you a wuss after what you've been through. My god though you would not have the slightest reason to feel guilty after the horrific abuse your parents subjected you to. Someone on the thread said you might change your mind about NC as your therapy goes on and I really hope so for your sake as these are IMO dangerous people your parents, and you should be safely away from them.

Jannerite it's so good that you can see how your mother is using the presents as a way of tormenting you. Hopefully it'll make it harder for her to get a rise out of you. For the visit, if you find another way of funding it, don't tell her till the last minute, that way she won't be able to sabotage it.

Tarbert I know what you mean about the Mother's day cards. I can't imagine feeling that way about my mother,to the point that the cards make me feel a bit ill, like I am slightly contemptuous of anyone who relies on their mother like that. It is hard for me to imagine a loving adult relationship based on trust and mutual respect.

Would love to post more but I'm stuck halfway up a mountain in Bavaria and I don't have my laptop, only phone.

Thanks toomuchtooold. Sounds very exciting to be halfway up a mountain in Bavaria! I know intellectually that I don't owe my parents anything, but I think I've spent my whole life desperately trying not to upset them in any way, to try to keep things "nice". Going NC or confronting them in any way would massively make them upset, and in my head that's just the end of the world, somehow. I do live far away though, so we only meet in person about once a year. I'm trying to keep boundaries about phone calls and how much about my life I tell them about, but it's not always easy.

Tarbert I too struggle with the idea that there are people out there who genuinely feel the sentiments expressed in the cards. I actually talked about it in counselling, and counsellor seemed to think that although every normal relationship has some issues at times, most people would feel a loving bond with their parents even as an adult. Weird, huh? I haven't actually bought a Mothers' Day card yet this year. Maybe I'll "forget".

thankyou Attila, it does seem that with increasing old age my dm behaviour seems more pronounced. I wonder if it is a combination of my high boundaries and intolerance of her crap or that she has to behave in a much worse way to get a reaction.

she definitely, now late 70s is even more critical and outspoken, bile seems to flow from her. I don't care how crap her crap childhood was she has as a compus mentis adult chosen of her own free will to make mine and my sisters life hell.

do many peoples narc parents drink to much? I am tee total as both my middle class, educated parents drink too much. I have many memories of df drink driving us home. alcohol makes her even more loud and attention seeking and vile. she is a total liability and upsets gc saying for years that she wants a pill to kill herself. She was awful at all our weddings and at her sisters funeral was hysterical shouting no no no, then froze and lurched about nearly falling in the grave. I could laugh if it wasn't so horrific.

I dread df dying as on her own she will be unbearable, dad is weak and enables all her horrific behaviour and will stick up for her. She hides behind him socially I dread it.
this thread is a life saver, I love reading it and find all of us sharing our pain very therapeutic xx

Hello, I've posted here in the past when I had just gone NC with my mum, stepdad, one of my sisters, my niece, my Dad and my stepmother. This was about 2 years ago. 3 in the case of my enabling Dad and his wife.

It was shit and I had a nervous breakdown and 2 months off work but I am doing ok. I was also seeing a counsellor during that time, she was great, and had a narcissistic family background herself, she just got it.

I really can't afford her right now, I am on a very low income and struggling financially (not in trouble, but fighting every day to stay afloat, like a lot of people).

During the no contact with all of the above, I was still seeing my eldest sister, my BIL and my niece. My sister was also NC with everybody I was NC with, except our other sister with whom she was in intermittent contact with. This was cool with me, I wasn't going to tell her how she should handle things, I just know that our other sister is so damaged and on occasion violent that I didn't want to go there again.

In November, things became so bad with my remaining sister I had to cut her off too. I could write a book about the shit she's pulled on me over the years and I have a hard time accepting in my heart that going NC with her is the right thing to do. My head says it is but the heart has a hard time keeping up. I am just having a super hard time dealing with this one, going NC with people has been such a hard prolonged road, I should have cut them all off at the same time in retrospect. I feel real grief over the last sister and really, I think she is the one who has caused the most hurt and I am having a hard time accepting it.

I just need a kick up the arse and for someone to say
You are right for going NC with your sister, of course you are. I just read on another thread someone said, it is hard to cut off siblings because they were victims alongside you, and I feel that is true, I disregarded a lot of her cruelty and sometimes sadism because she was older than me and when she was thirteen she was making nine year old me a dinner when nobody else would.

Like I say I could write a book but the worst thing she did was when we were living together for a bit as adults, about five years ago. She had a party and one of her male married friends groped me up as I was washing up in the kitchen the morning after, I had my hands in the water. I told her and she did nothing about it, still continued to see that friend and his wife, who she knew from school. Felt very let down and betrayed.

When my sister had my niece she told me that I was not responsible enough to be godmother to her, and made our other sister godmother. It wasn't true. I had at the time a good job, was a postgraduate, good steady partner. I wasn't anyone's mother though, it was a stick to beat me with it felt at the time. She became very close with our other sister which was natural as she was a mum too and they shared that, but it felt like she was being deliberately cruel and excluding me. I was excluded, neither of them visited me for well over a decade, I was doing all the running. It really affected my relationship with my nieces, I internalised the feeling that I wasn't responsible enough to be an aunt let alone a mum. I never had kids, this is not the only reason, there are many. I just never felt confident around kids until I was forty years old and started to have to work with them and now I am surrounded with babies every day and it is lovely.

My sister would triangulate a lot between me and my mother, one minute she is my friend and the next she is spilling all my secrets to mother, that sort of thing, never knew where you were with her, and I never did that to her. I always knew our mother was weird.

My sister hasn't really bothered to come and see me since we went NC with parents, I have been making all the effort to travel a few hours to see her. On the run up to my wedding last year my sister casually dropped it in that she had asked a couple of her friends to pop by for a drink at my wedding reception without even telling me or DH. I had to leave friends of mine off the list due to money and space at the venue. I don't know her friends.

When I objected she was honestly stunned and it was the first time I'd ever stood up to her really. That prompted her to grab the mic at the wedding and give a speech though she hadn't been asked to and was tipsy, and said at the end to my DH, good luck, you'll need it, she is difficult.

I visited her in November and she spoke to me like I was a four year old in front of my DH, my BIL, my niece and a married couple who are friends with my sister. It was in the pub so I felt like I was unable to talk back to her the way I would have wanted in front of people I didnt know well. I said that we were thinking of going back, four hour drive, on the Sunday night rather than the Monday morning as we had agreed previously. My DH was tired and was the one driving and as my sister was leaving for work really early on the Monday it wouldn't really matter either way. She said Well you can't! in front of everyone and I was just taken aback and didn't say anything but I was fuming. I am forty three and it felt so horrible to be shown up like that, told I couldn't do some

Sorry, I posted before I was ready as my keyboard froze on me and didn't want to lose it.

I felt shown up in front of my niece. That was the worst of it. She is now 14. I feel like there is no respect offered to me by my sister and my niece is picking up on it.

I brought it up with sister when we got back from the pub and into her house. I said I had a right to ask for what I needed and husband needed, we had been there for three days already and as I say, there was only one return visit in two years and that was not overnight, just lunch and then for the wedding. She told me to leave her house, it was 10pm and I don't for a minute think she ever thought i would, because she came running down the driveway shouting and crying and trying to open my door. I said, you told me to leave and I'm going. That was November, I haven't seen her since. I sent her an email telling her I didn't want to see her again, and a few choice examples of her fuckery over the years, including when I was 15 and her boyfriend and his friend playing tennis with my dead rabbit that I'd had since I was eight. My sister was 19 at the time and found it hilarious to see his body turning somersaults in the garden being hit by boards and them all laughing. Just f'ked really. I've never sought to hurt her with intent, never. We've had arguments over the years as siblings do but with her there seems satisfaction in putting me down, humiliation.

I'm feeling like I cannot get over this even though she is abusive and I know it, I could write several posts of the same length just about her let alone my mother and the rest. She could swing from being very very loving to the cruellest person and I never knew which I was getting.

Please tell me I'm right to move on. I'm sorry for the length. Thank you for reading.

just read your posts, yes, unequivocally yes you are right she sounds twisted and cruel. Sounds like she has been evil to you as a teen as well as an adult. Cant believe the rabbit story, poor you.

You sound lovely and deserve so much better than to be treated this way by your horrible, volatile sister. I think your life would be more content and peaceful without her crap in your life so a big yes you are doing the right thing. xx

Thanks so much Coconut, that really helps. I think what I'm missing most about counselling is validation. I can't seem to get my sister's judgements out of my head. I am so grateful for this thread. Thank you. X

Of course you were and are right to go no contact with your cruel sister who seems to be a carbon copy of your mother. The story re your rabbit is another example of her overall cruel nature.