"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's February 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hiya,

the private forum would be open to registered members - just register with an email address and pick a username like here, is that right @serioussteve - you'd need to be a member to post or to read posts.

It's not 100% secure, as anyone could register ad see what's been written, but it would be better than the mumsnet boards in that it would be us, not mumsnet, who would have to give permission for it to be reproduced - and naturally we would never give that permission.

I think there are a few people on here who would probably post more but they're worried about their information being identifying, so we saw that as the main advantage. We were also thinking to sort of focus a bit more on recovery, as Stately Homes tends to be where people come for that initial "oh shit" moment. A private forum would give us a place to pick apart the family dynamics a bit more and also talk about our current issues and stuff without worrying that identifying information was going to leak out.

Hey Serious, how did the dentist visit go? It actually makes me kind of angry on your behalf that dentists give you that kind of grief when they have no idea what the state of your teeth represent and how much courage it must take you to go back in there to get them taken care of. Well done for going there anyway!

I was thinking maybe next time before they start you could ask to speak to the dentist alone and either tell them the basic story and ask them not to give out to you about your teeth, or even write it down in a note so you know what you want to say, or ask them to read that? It might be one small step of standing up for yourself and asking for what you need. I bet dentists don't get any training on how the bad teeth in front of them can be caused by childhood neglect and abuse because I know you're not the only one who has experienced that.

I would really appreciate some advice on managing No Contact with my narc mother.
Its actually very easy for me to have no contact with her personally as she has now cut me off due to the fact I stood up to her over a minor issue. However she is still insisting on contact with my children. She emails my DD and has sent a message via my flying monkey GC sibling that she wants to see the kids (she has not seen them since December). Unfortunately for me the flying monkey golden child is a solicitor and has hinted that if I refuse access to the children then they will take action against me. What can I do? I am only a year into my journey of actually realising what a toxic nasty mess my FOO are. My narc mother is utterly incapable of empathy and blames me for everything. I know she will absolutely try to make my children take her side and she is always attempting to get sympathy for herself (she literally knows no other way to be) and will make them feel responsible for her happiness as she did to me. How can I protect them when the 'grandparents rights' brigade will go against me? Everything I have read about these grandparents access rights seems to suggest it has to be obvious abuse to prevent contact not the sort of manipulative underhand emotional abuse at which my mother excels

Get legal advice tootired. You need specific advice for your situation, only then can you decide what your best option is.

tootired

How old are the DC here roughly?. Teens or younger?.

Why is your mother e-mailing your DD at all; I would block all access to your children's e-mail accounts as of today. She was not a good parent to you nor is she a decent sort of grandmother to your children; that is the long and short of it. They are being exposed further to her emotional manipulations via her e-mails.

Would seek your own legal advice here but would ignore GC sibling and their bluster designed to put you on the back foot. That sibling is only acting in their best interests, certainly not in yours.

Grandparents in this country have no automatic rights of access to their grandchildren. The grandparent I believe has to show that a relationship is indeed beneficial to the child. A few e-mails is therefore not going to cut it.

People who demand such rights reflect entitlement based thinking. Demanding Grandparents Rights is Narcissistic Abuse of Adult Children, co-parents, step-family members, and Grandchildren as a family unit. It’s a prevalent form of Narcissistic Abuse, to force the parent of a child to leave a child with a grandparent when and if the parent or co-parent does not feel comfortable personally allowing it. Whether half of a co-parenting team sneaks children to see relatives or a grandparent tries to bully their way into seeing little ones in person, the grandchildren lose while the fundamental human rights of whatever parent of a grandchild does not want to have their children exposed to drama or put in potential harm’s way are collective trampled by every person or family member who thinks that stripping their parental and human right to raise a family in quiet enjoyment is okay.

Toxic grandparents who are narcissistic often demand access rights to have forced visitation with their grandchildren. No care or concern is given to the best interest of the child or respect given to either one of the child’s parents from them as elder adults in such situations — something that creates an incredibly frustrating dynamic to grow up in for their triangulated and affected grandchildren. Not only do toxic seniors meddling in the lives of grandchildren place the kids psychological, sometimes physical, and feelings of emotional confidence and security in their own parents at risk, it places an incredible C-PTSD producing burden on the adult child of the toxic senior as well as on every other person that adult child knows or is associated with who resides in the family home with the kids.

Grandparents raised to believe that having access to their grandchild or grandchildren is their right are guilty of toxic thinking. Presuming they are entitled to have unfettered access to a child simply because they bore and cared for one-half of that child or children’s parental DNA does not give them moral or legal right to take control of the right to decide (as parents) who does and does not spend time with the offspring of another human. Failing to understand why it ethically as well as legally overstepping boundaries to treat children like property to be battled over in a custody war is a major red flag of personality disorder. Being WILLING to step over other people’s rights and the highest and greatest good of the children as well as the grandchildren is a sign of emotional immaturity, nothing more.

Atilla - They are under 10. I have actually been deleting a lot of the emails before my DD sees them (obviously they are screened by me at her age) as they contained my mothers usual covert manipulations. I think you are right that I should just block the emails entirely.
With regards to access, my fear is that if I dont give some access and they take me to court (because the absolutely will, what you say about entitlement and not caring about damage to the kids is just how they are) they will then be granted some kind of unsupervised access. At least this way I can insist that it is supervised (by DH) and that they do not get a chance to try anything.
It seems so unfair that I have to now seek legal protection and they wont just let me go. They dont even really have any interest in the kids, they certainly didnt when they had easy access to them. This is all just part of the game and instead of being able to move on with my life and recovery I have to deal with this

Do you really think they will do it tootired, go as far as try to force legal access, or are they simply using the threat to cause you massive fear, controlling your emotions, making you focus on them when you otherwise could just go NC and ignore them?

Not wishing to make you doubt yourself if you think they absolutely will do it, just trying to be helpful

"With regards to access, my fear is that if I dont give some access and they take me to court (because the absolutely will, what you say about entitlement and not caring about damage to the kids is just how they are) they will then be granted some kind of unsupervised access. At least this way I can insist that it is supervised (by DH) and that they do not get a chance to try anything"

You need legal advice on this matter.

I doubt very much they will receive any kind of access let alone unsupervised. AFAIK they have to show that a relationship with the grandchild is beneficial to the child. That is clearly not happening here.

Any access whatsoever to your children enables these people to get back at you via your DH. It only takes a snide comment or a look and the damage is happening right in front of his very eyes. His visits to them need to cease. Its bad enough that you've been subjected to them as parents, even worse to my mind to have the next generation affected not too dissimilarly to how you were and are affected.

Would block their e-mails to your children as well.

Hi Sleepy, nice to see you. I think it's all this crap swirling around now I'm into therapy, it's making me ask some difficult questions of myself and a few thing externally getting in top of me too. I don't like violence, I am strongly against it. I saw my mum be aggressive and violent in my childhood - throwing things, slicing curtains with a carving knife. It has to come out somehow, and I know I'm holding back. I guess my overriding fear is losing control, I don't know what it's like or how to control it.

In terms of the private forum, it would be run by me, toomuch, and we are thinking of one or more. I'm technically competent and yes, username, email, password to signup. All passwords will be encrypted. Personal data will never be leaked or sold. We want an environment specialising in helping people with their struggles. We intend to have people write for us, and will try to find guest writers each month. The option will be there for members to write content too, and have it featured. Everyone will be able to register a blog - so username.statelysurvivors.com.

As said, we cannot stop people registering, but an option to consider is requiring an admin to approve new accounts. This way we can attempt to stop media leeches, although if they signed up with a personal email it would be difficult to investigate.

Content will focus on peoples' struggles, recovery, mindfulness and the like. So kind of the whole package from "I'm going through hell" through the full gamut to recovery techniques.

The dentist went ok. I need quite some work and have antibiotics for an abscess. I need a couple of teeth out too. I'm sooooo ashamed of my teeth.

I did tell them my childhood was emotionally abusive and that my parents gave zero fucks about my teeth. He was amazed and really nice actually. It's very hard for me being seen by a man though, I trust no men following my sexual assault, but he specialises in nervous patients and the times I've been he's been good, if astounded by the condition of my teeth. You're totally right too, Polly, it's easier to think poor adult teeth are caused by excess sugar etc, but the childhood abuse side of things is 99% of the problem. I need to start a fund for a front tooth dental implant, it's one of these that needs extracting. Will hate my appearance even more then...

Oh, steve, I'm so glad you've found a dentist who is kind and understanding. It really bugs me when adults get blamed for not knowing or not doing stuff that they should have learned in childhood, but didn't. I'm supersensitive to all the stuff about millennials, much of which seems to blame them for not knowing how to 'adult', when its the creep of parental taking-over that is to blame, not the children! I struggled a lot with not having been allowed to experience things on my own, and then as an adult suddenly be expected to know tons of things that I had no background it. And while individuals seemed to blame me, at least I didn't have newspaper articles blaming my whole generation for it. Sorry, moved off onto a tangent there. I know a lot of the millennial stuff isn't toxic and comes from good intensions, but the effects are very familiar to me from being highly controlled and constrained.

Exactly, you nailed it Murmuration.

Thanks for your kind words :)

pinkrobot I didn't know that. Thank you. I also have ptsd-like symptoms from a traumatic birth. Didn't think about it in relation to DB but it's obvious in hindsight. Duh - different people manifest the same things in different ways. Feeling a bit stupid here.

Outtogetyou Thank you for replying. That's really helpful. Your 'D'B doesn't sound very nice at all.

I've been reading the Havouc website. It's been pretty helpful as well as the one with the common definitions as well as the personality disorders.

Hi . I would be interested in a private forum ......but ... One part of me thinks that it would be very liberating - I can feel safe enough to discuss things in more detail [ not so easy to get outed] . Do other people find that they begin to look more closely at other people's behaviour in the system as time goes by - and find that requires 'thinking about' ? It would be great as I'd like to build on the internal work that seems to be happening 'just' from recognising the causes of my lifelong issues with certain things - and people. And to get more advice from others .Thanks to MN for that !! a godsend. A life changer actually. Unbelievable.

I'd just hope that that this wouldn't mean an exodus from the Stately Homes thread, as it was finding this that started me off on the rocky road to reclaiming my life - for however long, that doesn't matter. At least now my mind is freer. Not bottom of my own list any longer ! Woohoo!

How would the less computer savvy know how to access it, Steve ? Through MN ? Still haven't worked out how to get the emojies onto my posts . Duh.

Makealist we see the forum as being more for the sort of longer term recovery and introspection - and like you say, looking at family dynamics and picking that apart to understand it. I don't think it will cause an exodus from SH - steve and I are certainly both committed to coming on here regularly - I think there is quite a high turnover of people on SH generally, as a lot of people have the initial revelation and then sort of go off elsewhere, to counselling or whatever, to deal with the longer term fallout, and we'd see the private forum as being a way to keep our little community together at that point.

It'll be an entirely separate website to Mumsnet - at statelysurvivors.com - and you'd register I think with an email address, and we'll approve the registrations. Steve's a lot better at explaining all that than me!

As for the emojis - are you on the mobile site by any chance? On the PC site there's a list of them on the bottom of the page. You type the name in square brackets like e.g. (imagine the round brackets replaced by square brackets
(smile) =
(grin) =
(flowers) =
(brew) =

Popping back in again. I posted a while ago after my therapist agreed with my suspicions that my mother is a narcissist. I come from a classic narcissistic family. My brother was the golden child and had to carry a heavy responsibility before he was old enough to do so, my sister was manipulative and played the game, my younger brother could do no wrong and I was 'Cinderella' left out, treated differently, set up to fail and nothing I could do was right, I was the emotional punchbag and scapegoat for everything.

I've been slowly working through my past relationship with my mother with the therapist, but it's slow, tentative steps as I am apprehensive about unleashing the past trauma and flashbacks that I used to get when only now I am finally on an even keel

My physical health has declined in recent years and I need a wheelchair and there's other things aswell, we're living in unsuitable accommodation but waiting for an adapted property through the council is like trying to guess how long a piece of string is

Later on this year marks the ten year anniversary of me finally going NC with my parents and younger siblings.

Out the blue today my older brother has messaged me saying he doesn't tell our mother much but she's aware of our situation (She could only have found out through him) and she wants to help, to the tune of £1500

I have told him I need to think about it. It's no strings attached apparently, which is good, because these past ten years have been 'better' than the nearly 30-odd before I went NC

Of course I am grateful, it's a huge amount and it means I could go straight out and buy a much needed wheelchair which would make life so much easier, and less painful

But it's thrown me. I can't think about anything else. My next counselling appointment isn't until next Friday

I don't know what to do, it's made me feel emotional and on 'shaky ground' if that makes sense. I needed to do a lot of emotional rebuilding after the harm my parents and younger siblings did all those years ago. No amount of money is worth upsetting my mental health again

Hi Katie,

Narcissists can and do use money to try and maintain control over their victims.

I would not accept this money from her via him under any circumstances as it will come with a shedload of conditions and manipulation attached to it. I would therefore decline this offer without any further thought.

Your older brother has been used by mother as a "flying monkey"; he has been manipulated by her to do her bidding. He has acted as well in his own interests here and not in yours.

You have been no contact with her and your younger siblings for a decade. You are making good progress with your therapist; do not undo any of what you have achieved so far. You wrote it yourself, "No amount of money is worth upsetting my mental health again"

Another survivor of a Stately Home mother here (possibly BPD). ATM plotting my escape from her. I'll have to LC at least.

Thanks for that toomuch. I will definitely be interested. And in it for the long term. The 'revelations' keep on coming - as the pennies drop ? So I have lots to discuss as in constant flux. A more permanent place would feel safest in terms of being able to be totally honest. Less chance of an unplanned encounter.

Hi katie . My DM uses money to control family. I think she also sees it as love. I call it a poisoned chalice and push it away. She thinks I'm weird. I certainly don't ask for it or I'd feel like I have to 'behave'. One of the final straws was when I supported her when in need - and she paid me gave me money ! So what does that say about how she sees me ? I hope you can get the chair another way

PS Just bought Pete Walkers book. Looks good

I know that this might make me seem a nasty cat [ I feel like it a bit at the moment - allowing myself to feel anger, who'd have believed it ?] but I've bought a Mothers Day card from Poundland - was going to send a blank one saying Happy Mother's Day . It says " Mum Well Done I'm Awesome" . It will be like sending a card to myself.

katie, rather than whether your mother is trying to control you, what worries me about that is your emotional reaction. Even if she's not, would you ever be able to believe it? Would taking it tie you into an emtoional connection you don't want? Will you be worried about it? Or could you just take it no strings attached and breezily go on?

If you can do that last, I don't see anything wrong. But if you can't, think carefully.

I've reached a place where I accept things from my parents because I know it is the only way they know to display what they consider love. Like makea, I was given an expensive gift after going out of my way for my mother when she was ill. They really don't know how to say 'thank you' any other way. I consider it an exchange - I put up with them, and in exchange some things my life are easier. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a bit mercenary about it, and that people would look at me and think that I'm "using" them, or being "ungrateful" because I can't return their gifts with love. But I can return them with being pleasant and interacting to the extent that I and my family remain emotionally safe. However, I do not let them control me in any way, and I also don't feel any guilt about not listening to them - I've already participated in the exchange by maintaining contact and accepting the gift! If you can't feel you can maintain emotional distance, I would be very wary.

Evening all. This week has been sort of productive. I've barely spoken to my parents. My mum rang me and text me several times today so I text to say I'd call when I was free. Which ended up being after the dc were in bed. Conversation was somewhat stiltled with my mostly monosyllabic answers. I did successfully steer the conversation on to the topic of a sick relative.

I have ignored any text from my sister - mostly along the lines of 'have you sorted yourself out yet?' E.g. Have you grovelled and apologised. They will stay ignored.

It was my birthday this week. I had a card arrive for me from my parents, just signed 'mum and dad'. Post marked after my birthday. Given they sprung themselves on me the day before it...

I have been to Drs as well. Referral for counselling has been done. I explained exactly why I was there and now pursuing it. Request for relevant medical records also done.

Struggling a lot today and doubting my own instincts. I have spent the last 2 years or so facing the truth about my family dynamics and past relationships. I ended a long term relationship that was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I also came to terms with the fact that my father was/is very controlling abusive and overall a nasty angry man.
Also that my mother is narcissistic, utterly and completely self absorbed and truly obsessed with appearance and what other people think. Very emotionally unavailable but also clingy and needy, so I spent a lot of my childhood/ adult years being her 'rock' and general counsellor and shoulder to cry on.
But then she often turns on me and becomes horrible (getting called a bitch/ long long silent treatments that put you on edge/pulling hair when I was a child/massive guilt trips/treading on eggshells ) crucially let me down hugely when I split with my abusive ex. She blamed me essentially. She also spent hours on the phone in tears to me spilling her heart out about how much the split has affected her and how I am being selfish by not considering her feelings. 'Do I ever stop to think...? You are selfish' etc etc. It's so difficult for us..'
They think I am being a stupid selfish little girl essentially.
My mother does help me a lot with money though.
My father looks at me with daggers like he can't stand me. He glares and clenches his fist like he wants to punch my lights out for being so despicable. He also has narcissistic traits from what I can see.

They both bitch about me at length it's almost like an Olympic sport to them. They also have occasional (usually fuelled by an 'event') outbursts where they'll pick up the phone to others and completely slate me and reel off lists upon list of character flaws and mistakes and dreadful behaviour that I have shown. Like a little black book. Like they need to spread the word on my awfulness. Most of these examples they give and repeat over and over are from when I was a school child. Also total fabrication and lies. Events that simply didn't even happen. I'm almost middle aged now.

It's been a big learning curve and strange and difficult time understanding that it wasn't actually all my fault. And that I am perhaps not the person that they have painted. I've had Many episodes of depression.

I also have issues at the moment with my sources of 'support'.
My ex in laws have generally been supportive to me but I am concerned that they minimise the abuse and also never name it as abuse. Recently I was told by them I need to accept blame myself, it was 50/50 between us both. Which is difficult because I've spent so long trying to stop blaming myself. We need our heads banging together they say. They still very much have a relationship with ex partner and are kind and nice to him, understandably I guess.

One member of the family I am concerned that she is controlling and trying to get inside my brain and thoughts and I feel suffocated and not listened too. I looked up the term 'know-it-all narcissist' yesterday and I was taken aback by how this description fits her so well. She has to be number one, and the one that know best. You can never finish a sentence. She is the the hero that takes the reins and gets the standing ovation for 'fixing' your life.
She often talks about how pretty much no one could cope without her.

I think this person is perhaps not a good source of support for me but I am not sure. The reason for that is because she can be incredibly supportive, but then I also feel minimised and that she/they are very matey and chummy with ex partner. Which is understandable as they are family.
Also I know that there has been domestic violence in that side of the family although it was a long time ago and I can't quite workout what happened.
I often don't like the way they talk to each other especially in front of dc. They are rude and defensive.

The bottom line is then that I have no one (apart from my young dc) But I guess it's better to be on my own than surrounded by dysfunction?

Very sorry for my long life story post I just can't keep this in any more and I really don't know whether to trust my gut and walk away from the lot of them. Even if it means being on my own.