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"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

(994 Posts)
DontstepontheMomeRaths Sat 26-Apr-14 13:39:42

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Fuzzyfelt123 Mon 05-Jan-15 23:12:52

Hey aargh - you've posted in an old SH thread - paste it on the thread via this link instead (or post to your own new thread in relationships). BTW your DF sounds awful and you are in the right place. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2262683-But-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

ARGHtoAHHH Mon 05-Jan-15 22:59:50

Hello everyone

I started a thread earlier and a poster pointed me in this direction. I've always seen the title of this thread and never clicked into in. For no apparent reason the amount of posts always put me off, and I didn't really know what it was about. I've read the first couple of posts and I'm tired now so wanted to post before I go to sleep. Will try and read through the whole thread in the next few days.

Well where do I start

I'm having relationship troubles. Have been for nigh on 15 years. My partner is not emotionally available to me (well, not in the capacity I crave, anyway) and we have even discussed the fact he may be AS.

Even if he is autistic, and cannot physically empathise or sympathise with me, my reaction to this is extreme, and I have become stupidly needy over the last few years (especially since birth of child 2 years ago). I have recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and it all stems from my relationship. It's the only thing I'm unhappy with. Sometimes I convince myself I'm being emotionally abused. But I'm so confused as he seems perfectly happy and is perplexed as to why I'm unhappy. He tells me he loves me all the time, that I'm his soul mate. But I don't feel it's enough.

My father was (is) a fucking shit. He was abusive (mentally and physically) and my mum left him when I was small. But he let coming back. I witnessed beatings and was scared witless of him. He's a Muslim and made no bones about telling me I was unwanted as I was female. At Christmas he would tell me father Christmas didn't exist and used to pull the heads off my dolls and throw them at the wall. He would tell me I was going to hell because I went to a Catholic school. When my sister went to his home country in Egypt, he gave her false travellers cheques and when she was arrested he ran off and left her in a jail cell for 2 days. She was 16 years old.

I could go on. And on.

So, what I'm asking is, am I projecting the issues I have with my father onto my partner?

My partner is not completely innocent in this either. A couple of examples are, him not being there to pick me up after an abortion, and not being there to emotionally support of afterwards. A few years later I wanted to get married so proposed. Only to call it off after he made it clear it wasn't what he wanted. A few weeks ago he told me he had planned to propose once, but I had been a cow that day and so he changed his mind and decided not to ask me. He knows how much I want marriage, and it's like he is deliberately keeping it from me to keep me in line, or control me. I don't know, am I making a fuss of nothing? I'm so utterly confused and sad.

So sorry to just jump in hijack the thread. I don't even know if anyone will be in the slightest bit interested or even able to help. I've written this monumental post, haven't read it back, I'm tired so I'm just going to post and hope for the best.

I have my first counselling session tomorrow. Did I mention I'm depressed and anxious? confused

thanks for reading X

GoodtoBetter Mon 01-Sep-14 20:51:27

Hey, knackered! We're on the new thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2159284-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families
come and join us!

Knackered123 Mon 01-Sep-14 20:46:04

Hello all, have just spotted this thread and have read lots that I identify and empathise with.
My parents are the type that bang on about how much they love me, how much they have done for me, how much money they spent on my education (which I mucked up, deeply unhappy at school), drove me to places etc etc etc for me. Unfortunately the list of things I have done wrong is endless and I have a long list of character flaws. It's like they have a black book dating back to my teenage years which gets brought out and made reference too, at random, during any disagreement. Sometimes the black book is discussed and built upon, and examples added for days on end if there is any reason or occasion that is disagreeable to them. Naturally I am ungrateful and I have upset them deeply on many number of occasions. If I dare to stand up for myself, even slightly, I am a 'bitch' and look how you have upset your mother how COULD you!!!!! Look what you have done! Says my crying mother. I am APPALLED!! says my father When I was younger I thought I would mention that I was feeling a bit stressed to my mother, not understanding completely why I felt that way. Answer was - what have you got to be stressed about??? Look at what we do for you!! I used to listen to them moaning about me in the kitchen for hours on end while I listened outside.
I feel terrible for even writing this.
It's a nightmare.
Everyone else I know says I have a nice nature and if anything I am too nice and let people walk over me sometimes.
I feel I don't deserve to be happy and am I bad person. Also have discovere recently that I am in an abusive relationship and have to leave so this is very hard. Think that is making me piece everything together.

DontstepontheMomeRaths Sun 17-Aug-14 23:24:47

3 whole days??? That's a long time wink

GoodtoBetter Sun 17-Aug-14 21:11:05

Having a lovely time with Dbro and haven't had a whatsapp for almost three days!!!grin

Hissy Fri 15-Aug-14 08:05:20

Ham your user name has made me hungry! And as am on my holidays, there ARE NO beans...

I called the police on my dm and her h as they were terrorising my son and me.

I asked the H to stop pushing DS about, he didn't, asked him to leave, ditto. They both start calling me names, the H then barges a door so...999 were called.

If you dm turns up again, no need to let her in, tell her you're about to go out.

How is she triangulating your dc? What is she doing to achieve this?

Agree, reduce/remove access.

DontstepontheMomeRaths Thu 14-Aug-14 21:58:13

HamEgg that sounds absolutely awful. It's so hard to know where to start. Have you read Toxic Parents or any of the links in the OP? Reducing contact to protect your DCs and you is a big step but despite the guilt and fear you may have to start the process.

Please keep posting. What happened?

DontstepontheMomeRaths Thu 14-Aug-14 21:55:48

This thread isn't full yet but assuming it will be shortly, I created a new one. Does anyone know who manages webaunty? It would be great to get the document on there updated with the many new weblinks to old threads since 2011: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/

New thread for when this one is full: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2159284-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

Meerka Thu 14-Aug-14 17:38:17

when your mother does that, hameggchipsandbeans

Im sorry but the only answer is to throw her out and never let her see them again.

Sorry.

no one should come between you and your children. If you can, move away if that's the only way you can get her to back off.

Or learn from hissy. She actually had to get the police to throw her mother and mother's partner out of the house. When someone is triangulating and poisoning your children, you have to take urgent action.

.... How old are they ...

HamEggChipsandBeans Thu 14-Aug-14 16:18:25

What do you do when you need to talk about your Narc Mother but you don't know where to start? What do you do when she turns up and triangulates your children in front of you and says things to try and damage your relationship?

My family life is in tatters.

Hissy Thu 14-Aug-14 07:29:20

Flight mode switches off all texts/emails/etc.

You're on holiday. BE on holiday.

Meerka Wed 13-Aug-14 15:03:19

it is a shame she didn't, but only you can draw the boundaries now.

How about keeping a diary so you can see the cycle of normal - weird - normal - weird - normal - weird? because atm it's as if goign to normal resets the clock for you and you keep expecting her to carry on being normal ... your rational head much know this isn't going to happen.

Like attilla says, I hope your brother can help. Being the Golden Child really hasn't helped you at all has it?

Actually, I think it's fantastic you managed to move out at all given how successful a sucker-in she is. Keep going!

GoodtoBetter Wed 13-Aug-14 09:48:01

I know you're right really Atilla. I should have been stricter when we moved out. But I thought I was being fair and sensible and tbh even just moving out was a massive step and boundary. Sometimes she's almost normal, to draw me in I suppose and I then let my guard down. Once we're past the week away and back at work I'll cut back down. It's a shame she didn't carry out her threat to go back to the UK.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 13-Aug-14 07:10:52

GoodtoBetter,

I hope your brother will be able to help a bit because he has from what I have read managed to detach from his mother far more successfully.
Distance both physical and emotional is key with narcissists and your mother still has you successfully dancing to her tune. She trained you well and now her latest gizmo of choice to beat you with is whatsapp. These things are ideal tools for narcs to misuse.

I do wonder if you'll ever manage to break free of her, I sincerely hope that you do. Cutting off the whatsapp would be a small but significant start. You do not seem to have many boundaries at all when it comes to her and she regards you as an extension of her. She knows in you that she still has an audience and you still respond. ANY contact from you is seen by her as a reward, thus giving her reason to harass you even more.

AnAirOfHope82 Wed 13-Aug-14 04:31:50

Just reply im on holiday I will talk to you when I get back. Then delet the app and reinstalle when you get home. Put your phone away and enjoy your holiday grin

GoodtoBetter Tue 12-Aug-14 23:11:37

How does that work?

Hissy Tue 12-Aug-14 23:07:09

Two words good:

Flight Mode

GoodtoBetter Tue 12-Aug-14 16:04:09

I quite like her being able to whatsapp me when we're at home as I can ignore messages and she hardly ever bothers me on it and it means I don't have to actually talk to her, gives me a bit of distance. But she seems to have gone a bit mad with it since we've come away.
Last night was a big long message about her neighbour having a SN child who was shouting a lot and how sad it was for the poor parents and that she'd heard from her Spanish teacher years ago that families tend to hide SN children at home out of shame and that's why you don't see Down's Syndrome people much. Which all errant nonsense and quite frankly insulting to Spaniards. And how I was so lucky to have beautiful healthy children, did we go on the little tourist train? Any photos? Any news of our day? You'll all get why it does my head in, I suppose it might sound to a normal person that she's lonely, but she doesn't do this when I'm 5 mins away ffs.
And there's no give and take of conversations, if I respond she hardly reacts (i.e to the fact I'd been ill) it's all ME ME ME ME, listen to ME! Phone me and listen to me talk endless bollocks!
Need to do a bit more thinking about boundaries. Dbro arriving day after tomorrow. He's just flown in and is at her house (said he'd had a pre-mother beer at the airport before getting in the taxi to take the edge of it, ha ha ) and then he'll drive down. Will have a good chat to him about it all.

Meerka Tue 12-Aug-14 13:09:33

try it, goodto. if you really can't stand it, you can unblock it and say that you've got a new contract or something. Just block for a few days even and see how it goes.

Hissy Tue 12-Aug-14 03:30:37

Seriously Good block her.

She's using it as aa tool to upset and stress you.

What are the messages saying?

Is it worry over plumbing etc? In which case inform her that you're the wrong person to ask and to stop messaging you about it.

Or say nothing and BLOCK.

Google it! She'll still see your name, but not that you are available etc. Tell her the free period ended or you'll u've disabled it.

DontstepontheMomeRaths Mon 11-Aug-14 22:27:17

Just block her on whatsapp.

It's a boundary that you can put in place easily. Tell her you've deleted the app.

If she's charged for texts or pictures she may send you less.

GoodtoBetter Mon 11-Aug-14 21:19:14

Argh, she's whatsapping me with weird, needy shit again...with a hint of PA undertones. She never bothers with me during the week at home, but she can't leave me alone while I'm on holiday!!!

yongnian Sun 10-Aug-14 20:13:41

Thank you air of hope..x

AnAirOfHope82 Sun 10-Aug-14 17:19:42

Yougnian brew & cake

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