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My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry

(1000 Posts)
Pages Fri 17-Nov-06 16:57:06

I posted on here a while back asking the question "Would you cut your mother out of your life" because of a really hurtful thing she did to me which she refuses to apologise for. I think my position has always been that it would be the last resort - I think my question should really have read "would you risk your mother cutting you out of HER life?". Well I risked it and she has...

Sorry to go over old ground but she told me over a year ago that my SIL found it hard to be around my son who has special needs. I didn't confront my brother and SIL until recently because they are really unapproachable and part of me felt that I had to just live with it. It came out a few months ago in a bit of heated discussion with my brother about something else. I immediately apologised to my mum for the way I had delivered it to my brother but said I felt it did need to be addressed (I have to protect my son, he will pick up on people's feelings about him). My mum denied having said anything of the sort and she, my SIL and brother all called me a liar (SIL said some really nasty things) and said I had invented the whole conversation, and my mum got the rest of the family to gang up on me.

My mum has said very little to my face but has badmouthed me and manipulated behind the scenes including trying to get the one (older)brother who has stood by me against me against me, accusing me of splitting up the family, etc.

Me and my older brother sent her an email telling her that we don't like the way the family operates, the scapegoating, backstabbing, and manipulating that goes on. We also told her that we wanted her to acknolwedge how bad our childhood was (my stepdad was physically and emotionally abusive to us both for several years, my mum left us home alone when we were really small, etc). We told my mum that this has really affected our lives (Neither me or b have much inner confidence and I still have nightmares about the past. I am having counselling now).

My mum said nothing to me and b but showed my younger brother and sister the letter (even though we asked her not to and to talk to us about it instead)and my sister had a go at me, said my mum was really upset and had told her what had "really happened" and that we had made it all up, it wasn't that bad. I sent an email asking to be treated with more respect or be left alone. I heard nothing from any of them till now.

My mum recently started texting and contacting my older b, we are both certain she was doing her usual "divide and rule" bit, trying to get him on side so I am the one left out. He emailed her back a few days ago and said she must apologise to me for calling me a liar and take on board our concerns if she wants a relationship with either of us. I have to say, I never wanted to issue ultimatums, but could not live with the alternatives which would be to just not be myself or true to myself.

My mum has emailed him back and said it is too late, we have both hurt her to much and it is beyond redemption and that we need to sort our own lives out and leave her to get on with hers. She called me false because I had a close relationship with her and never said anything like this before. I accept that I did used to just say "the past is the past" and because I have always been too petrified of losing her to ever cross her, so have accepted blame, guilt, comments behind my back about me and DH, and have carried on being loving and compliant towards her till now. We did have a "close" relationship but on the basis that I agreed with everything she said.

I feel okay, actually. I suppose I have been slowly accepting this may be the outcome for months. But I can't quite believe that rather than discuss things, debate things, get things out into the open and (what is hardest for her - apologise)so we can move on to a new and better level in our dealings with her she is willing instead to lose two of her children. Just feel sad about that really...

boboggglimpopo Fri 17-Nov-06 17:01:24

I am sorry to say but it sounds as though you are better off without your mother and her issues (no doubt guilt amongst them) in your life.

Overrunnerbean Fri 17-Nov-06 17:01:54

I don't blame you for feeling sad. It sounds like you have been really brave for tackling this at last.
It may seem like it has all been for nothing, but you may well find that given a bit of time she might come around.
Its one thing to talk about cutting people out of your life, another to actually maintain this stance over time.
She may well have to address these issues yet.

Pages Fri 17-Nov-06 17:05:40

PS I suppose I was being false in a way, but not consciously. I didn't know the extent of my true feelings till this all happened recently - they were buried under hers.

hatoff Fri 17-Nov-06 17:08:38

Feel really sad for you. It's a really awful situation to be in one I can't imagine but I think you are an adult now and your mum is not helping/being what a mum should be. I can't explain properly but would say if you can deal with the loss that surely that must be better than dealing with your mum. What about the counselling... are you able to think this through with them?

southeastastra Fri 17-Nov-06 17:09:26

blimey i really feel for you! what an awful situation

FioFio Fri 17-Nov-06 17:09:33

Message withdrawn

foxinsocks Fri 17-Nov-06 17:17:30

oh Pages my love, I was wondering how you were doing.

I guess this result was one possibility of you standing up to your mother - because that is what you have done here. And I am so pleased to hear that your lovely brother is still standing by you.

I am so sorry your mother has chosen this path - but that is what she has done - she has chosen to be deliberately obtuse - it's not your fault, it's no reflection on you as a person. It may be that she feels unable to face up to the past and the way she (and her partner) treated you - it may be that she really is truly unpleasant! - I don't know, but I do think you are very strong and I am so sorry that this is playing on your mind and causing you torment.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-Nov-06 18:02:36

Pages,

It is very interesting how your Mother has made out that she is the one being hurt here. Typical toxic parent behaviour that.

Your Mother is blaming you primarily because she cannot or will not face up to what has happened in the past.

You are better off concentrating instead on your own family unit. She has been very crafty e-mailing your older brother (the one who has previously sided with you) to get him on her side - divide and conquer indeed.

Toxic parents have not got the capacity to discuss issues openly - if they did they would not be toxic parents otherwise.

Pages Fri 17-Nov-06 19:26:58

Thanks everyone! Yes Fio, my youngest brother and sister are half brother and sister (both have different dads from me and my two "real" brothers, who are one older and one younger than me - but much closer in age). I don't expect the younger two to understand the dysfunction in this family - as my older b said it has taken me and him all our adult lives to realise!

And thank you for saying I seem genuine Fio. One of the reasons I do believe I am better off without my mum is because she paints me in such a bad light. No-one else experiences me as this false person who makes up lies, is hurtful and twists things. It's just her. Whatever my faults none of my friends, partners or DH has ever claimed that I'm someone who makes things up. My counsellor and I have talked about little else for the last 5 months! He told me today that is not his experience of me either, and that none of this is my fault. I find him genuine too so I believe him.

I know what you say is true. I have changed in the last few months and do trust my feelings a lot more so am not as crushed as I might have been. We held a mirror up to my mum and she didn't like what she saw. But thanks for the virtual hugs...I still feel a bit abandoned and like I don't have a mum anymore. Think I am going to have to go out and adopt a new one!!!

JennyLeevesmilkandcookiesforSa Fri 17-Nov-06 19:47:35

also have toxic mother who would cut me off if I pushed it too much .so I feel sympathy for you. I hope you and your older brother continue to be family to one another and try to let her go, she is awful for you and your family and you do not deserve it.

edam Fri 17-Nov-06 19:50:46

How very sad. But sounds like you are much better off without her (and your younger siblings who choose to collude with her).

Blondie79 Fri 17-Nov-06 19:58:42

It is v sad and I could never imagine it because I am so close to my mum but I think you have a fab brother!

Greensleeves Fri 17-Nov-06 20:02:06

Hi Pages.

I know how you feel. This will be my first Christmas without my mother, and my younger brother. I feel pretty bleak about it too, which is NOT the same as regretting the actions I took that precipitated the breaking up of our family. I regret that we were the sort of family that couldn't have a healthy and non-toxic relationship. I don't regret ending the destrcutive and negative pattern we were in.

It's a horrendous feeling, isn't it. All I can say is that I think you did the right thing - in fact I don't think they left you with any other choice. You haven't lied, you haven't been cruel. She has made her own decisions.

Sorry I can't say anything more comforting. I understand how you feel, though. Don't let it spoil your enjoyment of your children.

Pages Fri 17-Nov-06 20:29:47

Hi Greensleeves - I was hoping you might pop onto this thread and I have been wondering how you have been doing too. You too know that you have done the right thing and that you were left with no choice.

I am sure I will go through the whole range of emotions in the next few weeks but I have to say that I have actually been looking forward to Christmas for the first time in years, knowing that I will be spending it with people who genuinely love me for who I am, not having to deal with all the politics of the last few years (last year my mum upset DH and then blamed him for ruining her Christmas because he didn't come to the family do - it was horrible anyway, I hated every minute and couldn't wait to get away) and the preceeding weeks of when and where we were going to get together and how much we should spend on each other - my mum doing her cold stony silence thing - it just made me sick to the stomach. I have always felt inadequate and worried that I will be later "gossipped about" when with my family.

This year I know I don't have any of that to deal with and found myself inexplicably happy a couple of days ago at seeing lights outside someone's house.

Pages Fri 17-Nov-06 20:46:09

Have to add that my mum said she would never feel the same way about DH again (even though it was her who upset him) and she avoided coming round my house for several months until I realised she was avoiding us and sweet talked her. God, so many things she has made me feel bad about...

Greensleeves Fri 17-Nov-06 21:00:54

That is lovely to hear Pages . I must admit although it's all weighing quite heavily on me lately, there have also been flashes of wild excitement at the thought of doing things our way, at our pace, with no poisonous "atmosphere". It keeps taking me by surprise. I am looking forward to taking the children to a Christingle service, watching them open their stockings in their PJs, no hurry, no worry - it's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows at the moment. As soon as I start looking forward to something the guilt hits me again.

I hope you do have a lovely Christmas, you deserve it.

orangecake Fri 17-Nov-06 21:07:06

Pages, sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Myself and my sisters also had an abusive upbringing at the hands of our dad (physical and emotional abuse BIG time)

I am now 36 years old (the youngest of 3) and we are STILL struggling to overcome the damage that our upbringing did to us. I harboured a lot of resentment towards my mum for a long time becauase she never did enough to protect us but I understand now that she was just as frightened of him as we were.

My dad died 3 years ago and in many ways it simplified things, but never once has my mum attempted to apologise or say that she wished things had been different.

As it happens, i now have a good relationship with my mum (I have learn't not to try and bring up the past anymore though).

Your situation seems more complicated though and it's awful that the siblings have been divided over this (at least me and my sisters were unanimous of our hatred towards him). I think that your mum is playing you off against one another and that seems like a very childish and manipulative thing to do (sorry)

From your posts, you seem like a lovely lady and I don't blame you for wanting to put your child first.You are doing the one thing for your own child, thatour mother couldn't do for you and I hope she feels ashamed.

Keep your family close to you and stay close to your older brother if possible.

harrisey Sat 18-Nov-06 01:04:40

pages - I know how hard it is to get to this stage with your mother.
I havent seen my Mum for 2 years or spoken to her for 18 months. This is because she is unwilling to accept that I have been ill, and is convinced that there is 'more' going on that I am teling her (I suffered very badly with kidney problems after my dd2 was born and my mother thinks I was making it up!!).

IMO you are better off when you don't have contact. My mother has not been part of my everyday life since she left my Dad, me, my sister and brother when I was 12 to run off with my Dad's best friend. I know I am not important in her life, and will not put my children in the situation of being unimportant in their granny's life, they have 2 loving Grandmothers (MIL and my stepmum) and Grnadfathers (FIL and my Dad), and she does not deserve contact with them.

When you get to the stage that this is just 'how it is', then things become easier. But I have always felt guilty about it - it feels like it is up to me to fix it all, but my Mum wants to lecture me and at age 35, 23 years after she chose to no longer be my everyday mother, I dont have to take it from her any more!

I feel likw I am being awful and unforgiving, but keeping her (and my sister, who sides with her) out of my life, is the best way to keep my own true family happy and secure. I just wish I could see my Gran, who lives with mum, more often.

sandcastles Sat 18-Nov-06 07:33:43

Pages, honey...I am so sorry.

I know you have heard this, and know this. But she will never accept that she was wrong, she will never apologise, just like my mum. I have told you what happened with us & that last time I saw her & she blanked me was he hardest moment in my life for a long time. I really thought she would say something, especially as she knew I was emigrating!

Your mum either thinks she has done nothing, is too stubborn to back down or won't as she will lose face with the others. If she admits she was wrong they will all know about the lies she has told to cover her own arse, sorry, but she just isn't going to do it, you need to make peace with that and move on.

It is very sad, when a mother 'gives up' her child. But I really think now you have to say 'ok, you know what, I know I have been honest, caring & kind, I know I am/was right so now I will walk away...hold my head high and not let it over shadow my life'

Your siblings will find out what she is like...in their time, when they stop complying with her wishes & whims and you will be the one they run too...you will not use 'I told you so' You will comfort them like you have no idea what they are going thru, because YOU are the better person here.

Good luck, I know it is hard...but you will feel better in the long run!

Pages Sat 18-Nov-06 08:00:47

Thanks, I was thinking about your mother Sancastles, she does sound similar to mine. I think I have got to the acceptance stage but still feel the guilt like some of you describe, as if I should try and fix it. (I'm not going to of course).

She has turned things around so that she is the victim of my actions and failed to acknowledge the hurt she has caused to me. I do feel guilt that our letter to her was quite harsh and I knew it would upset her but everything we said was true and was not said intending to be cruel. We just wanted her to acknowldege what had happened in the past and that she failed to protect us, as well as the way she plays us off against each other, uses me and b as the scapegoats for bad feeling in the family, that sort of thing. I don't think there is any way we could have challenged her about it all that wouldn't have hurt her.

sandcastles Sat 18-Nov-06 08:24:45

So your letter was harsh? How was her treatment of you? Harsher still by the sounds of it!

Of course you feel guilty, you don't sound like the person to hurt people. But you need to let go off that guilt, that is what will eat you up inside.

Whe you get a guilt attack for hurting her with the letter, think about how SHE hurt YOU. I promise, you're guilt will soon fade!

I know it's easy for me to say...I have had 13 years to contend with my feelings. But I can say you will feel better and judging by your excitement for Christmas..maybe you already are..slowly!

Just step back and remember/think how richer your life is now, less stressful, less toxic, less complicated. Just how it should be!

Pages Sat 18-Nov-06 08:37:22

Thanks Sandcastles, I was wondering what the original event that led to your mum blanking you was?

I don't like hurting my mum but she always has a way of doing something that upsets me and then if I dare to tell her so she goes into the victim role and tells me I am this and that and how hurtful I am(I twist things is her favourite). The only reponse we have had to the stuff in our childhood is to say that of course we remember things differently, we were children (and she told my sister "what really happened"). Presumably because she was an adult her memories were more accurate...I must have imagined my stepdad using me as a punchbag. And her coldness to me after he had done so.

sandcastles Sat 18-Nov-06 09:24:21

It's a long story but I'll try & condense it..

I have always been aware that she never wanted me, she told me that my dad raped her to get her pg.

age 16, she moved in her toyboy (he was 19 yrs younge than her) she started to treat me like a lodger, making me pay more than 60% of my weekly wage in rent + extra for food, water, phone bill.

He once asked her if diy abortions worked (we were watching an old film all about the 60's) she told him (in front of me) that they don't, as I was still born even tho she tried twice. (I do have a CL that can almost certainly back up her story.

She started hitting me one day for sticking up for dh's family as she was staying nasty things about them. I admit I was mouthing off, but you should have heard what she was saying & she didn't even know them. She just kept hitting me around the head & shoulders (I was sitting , she was standing)

When I moved out, she didn't help & wouldn't come to the flat unless I asked her. She wouldn't help me carry boxes, instead leaving it to my heavily pg sister to help.

She got married after I moved out, caused a row at her wedding with me, I stormed off, dh (then bf) stormed after me. Her new dh said "you are no longer part of my family & not welcome in this house" I asked her if she felt the same, she said yes.

I cancelled a policy and was to recieve 500gbp, but she sent in a forged letter from me (the cheque went to her house, for some reason the company hadn't changed my address) to change the cheuqe into her name. She spent the money on herself & dh. I couldn't bring myself to speak to her after that & cut her off. She kept the money because "I owed her for raising a child she didn't want"

She sent me 2 letters, one when my brother told her to stay out of his life, she was shit stirring with his then wife and another when her dh left her. Pity letters, I need you letters...the only reason she needed me was because she had lost someone else, that hurt more than anything.

She tried to find out where I was getting married 'because I want to ruin the bitches day' she told my sister.

She sent a card when dd was born, I sent her a letter saying 'please feel free to get in touch if you would like to meet dd' It was her youngest grandchild, afterall. I never heard from her again. No birthday cards for dd, letters, Christmas cards...NOTHING!

Then that day in the post office...just blank. I told my sister that after knowing she never wanted me & her having reject me several times in the past, I couldn't have said anything, the rejection would have broken me.

So she let her last born leave the country, never to be seen by her again. That suits me, Pages. It's a rejection I just can't handle anymore!

And if anyone here thinks they know me in RL, the certainly will now!

sandcastles Sat 18-Nov-06 09:29:32

Add to that the entire lack of affection. Never once did I hear I love you. She wouldn't visit me in hospital after an op, I was 9, had just woken up form the GA, spitting blood & crying for her, she told the nurse when she phoned that she couldn't come because she had to go work the next day.

I couldn't have left knowing my dd was under GA!

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