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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

283 replies

Stewart2017 · 17/01/2017 21:01

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.

Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

OP posts:
Offred · 17/01/2017 23:38

You sound very like Mr Right from 'Why Does He Do That?'

BeyondTheStarryNight · 17/01/2017 23:38

"'She's so stupid she can't even buy food properly just like she can't answer simple questions"

Oh yes.

TeethDrama · 17/01/2017 23:40

Could be passive agressiveness brought on by your tone with her. Possibly. Maybe she felt you should look at the milk yourself and stop bugging her with trivials. Or absent-mindedness, we all have it from time to time, but if you start to look out for something you can usually find a few to string together, making it feel like it happens "all the time".

Try talking to her again.

CommonFramework · 17/01/2017 23:41

Oh, come on, everyone! If a woman complained about their dh doing this, everyone would side with her and say how annoying he was!

Let's not completely change things round because it's a man talking about his wife...

Offred · 17/01/2017 23:42

What a strange thing to say bittern... have you seen any threads like that?

Hillfarmer · 17/01/2017 23:44

So what is your theory about the wife's inability to answer a question Bittern?

BestZebbie · 17/01/2017 23:47

In the example in the first post there was already a fuss made by a teen and then a fuss made by the OP, way before the wife was asked any yes or no questions, so it hardly seems fair to blame the upset on that!

It sounds as if you were derailing things by focusing on trying to get one answer as if that would prove something and then you could be right (either in being blameless or in being "accused" and therefore allowed to attack your wife about persecuting you) - had you forgotten about the teen and original situation by that stage? I suspect she didn't want to play into your derailing and concentrate on the still ongoing teen - now instead of having one person randomly and loudly attacking her to deal with, she had two to fend off simultaneously!

EastMidsMummy · 17/01/2017 23:48

mind phone your Dad

You've got a mind phone?? Awesome!

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2017 23:50

Not sure about this one. Yes, it is clear it is annoying if people can't give a direct answer but I am wondering if there is a reason she feels she cannot.

If she is being hit by her son and badgered by you, maybe she feels unhappy.

EG

" Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, "

So she is unhappy how things worked out with your son and when she criticizes it you think it is untrue, so how can she answer the question if the truth, as she sees it, is not acceptable to you.

Maybe rather than trying to pin her down about trivial things like milk it would be better to talk more deeply about things, apologies if you already do.

I am sure as a parent you also understand that sometimes kids just drive you mad. I see slightly more of our kids than my dh does, as i work part-time; also our kids drive me more mad than dh, who seems to be able to detach more!

Anyway, is this a new phenomenon for you or has she always done this and if so, why is it only bothering you now?

Hope things work out better. I'd stay away from trying to pin her down about things like milk and focus on important communication.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2017 23:50

PS, it may not be relevant but is the kid your kid, or her kid, or both of yours and how old (roughly).

WinnieFosterTether · 17/01/2017 23:52

You sound very prescriptive about how she has to communicate and if you're not a bully, you're doing a very good impression of one.
My ex would constantly undermine how I communicated. You're doing the same. Look at the words you are using 'waffling'; 'not answering clearly'. What you really mean is that she didn't answer the way you wanted her to.
Then you blame her friends turning minor disputes into big arguments when it's clear you are the one acting like a dog with a bone until she answers in a way you've deemed appropriate.
You sound exhausting.

Salmanrushdiessandala · 17/01/2017 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Offred · 17/01/2017 23:58

Joined just to post that helpful and insightful gem have you? Grin Hmm

ClaryIsTheBest · 17/01/2017 23:58

Hmm,.....

Are there reasons (your relationship or past relationships with others people) why she wouldn't want to give definite answers?

You know, nothing to catch her out on, dpstart an argument about, purposely do the opposite of what she wants?

BeyondTheStarryNight · 17/01/2017 23:59

Don't you think it's a tad heteronormative to assume a poster talking about their wife is male...?

BakeOffBiscuits · 18/01/2017 00:00

You asked about milk, she reminds you to phone your dad. Maybe that was more important to her and your dad than the milk? She knows you're running out of the door and needs to remind you to call your dad.
What was she doing in the kitchen when you asked her? Just standing around waiting to answer your questions or was she doing and thinking about the 101 things she has to do today?

The fist incident you describe is horrible. Your an is hotting your wife and you stand there insisting she answers a Yes No question??

You sound very domineering.

BakeOffBiscuits · 18/01/2017 00:01

*excuse typos

ImpetuousBride · 18/01/2017 00:02

I don't see any evidence here that OP is a bully, or that his wife should be scared of him. If the gender roles were reversed would you all so quickly conclude that the husband was scared? You'd probably ridicule or judge him harshly, just as you're doing with this OP.

About the child situation - it seems OP made a judgement call as to him the child's behaviour looked aggressive and he was genuinely trying to help his wife.

Second, the milk: the poor man explained his wife had just done shopping plus was right in the kitchen... her answers would drive me nuts too!

OP, you need to tell her straightforwardly that you can't cope, her way of responding is driving you insane (as it would many people) and that it is putting a very serious strain on your marriage. See how she responds!

blowmybarnacles · 18/01/2017 00:04

Look into what questions you ask her every day and what type. My DP asks me questions all day about stuff he knows the answer to but can't be bothered to retain the information in his head. I evade answering him if possible, so he'll just work out the answer himself. I've told him its driving me mad, like he is my third child. What time do the kids finish school, how do I use this (whilst reading instructions) Shall I put this away?, do we have any...? whilst looking for item..... Dd is hungry, what shall I give her..? .can I eat this yoghurt. Its fucking endless.

Maybe she's just completely blocking all questions now, which might be a bit OTT.

Italiangreyhound · 18/01/2017 00:12

ScruffyTheJanitor your post is really offensive.

hillfarmer I am so sorry you have had such a shit experience.

Offred your insight is very good.

PollytheDolly · 18/01/2017 00:15

Agree with ImpetuousBride

I'm not picking up he is a bully here. I'm taking on board what some of you are saying and thinking about it but it's not sitting right with me.

Some of us like clarification on things. I do.

I'm my view, it's a teeny bit passive aggressive what she's doing. Maybe she's not treading on eggshells but winding him up?

If my son hit me and my husband gave him a good telling off I would expect that. I would not expect him to do nothing as I was "handling" it.

AntiGrinch · 18/01/2017 00:16

You sound like a pain. you should have checked the milk yourself. why is it her job to dash to the fridge to check?

is she being passive aggressive, for lack of other ways to express herself? you sound very controlling.

"Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding. "

this is really dickish behaviour. you are saying "calmly" to show that you are better than her but actually you are being as awful and spiteful as anyone.

It probably was your fault, you wound up the kid, and she can't answer yes because she is scared of you.

You sound really horrible. Let her go.

AntiGrinch · 18/01/2017 00:20

I think blowmybarnacles has it: it's the the endless questions that are supposed to show it is her job to manage all information. Do we need milk, do I need new pants, what size do I take.... fuck off and get some of our own information.

she is scared of you so she can't say that, but that is what she means.

Italiangreyhound · 18/01/2017 00:21

By the way, just realised the kid is a teenager, so the fact they are hitting your wife is awful and this is the thing you should both be addressing more urgently than how much milk you have in.

Offred · 18/01/2017 00:21

I think TBH knowing that she had done the shopping a few hours prior to 'milk-gate' puts a MASSIVELY different spin on things.

It makes me suspect that you only asked her to trip her up on her shopping ability knowing that milk was on the 'prewritten list'.

That Is why you didn't check the fridge and decide whether milk was needed or not... you wanted her to say 'oh shit yes sorry I forgot to get it earlier' and that would prove how shit she is.

She was clearly being evasive and I believe it is because she knew it was not a genuine question or a genuine opportunity for you to help but an open reminder that you think she is an idiot who doesn't do anything right.