Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

[Stewart2017]

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.

Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

I don't know the other stuff, there's not enough detail, but, why not go and check the fridge? Is she supposed to know your milk status at all times?

So you have wildly different parenting styles and argue in front of your kids.

You hector her to give 'the right answer' when you are unsatisfied with what she says.

You ask her if you need milk etc and are angry with her for not answering but why are you asking her anyway? Why not think 'do we need milk?' Go and look and make your own decision and then let her know - 'we need more milk, I'll pick some up today'

Your communication (both of you) is massively wrong and definitely needs sorting out as this is clearly causing you to get really angry at small things and her to behave petulantly.

Brow beating! That's the exact word.

I've seen this done to someone, that repeated questioning like that and it's awful, especially if the person is scared to answer incorrectly.

So you're Not in the wrong as you have a penis, as someone amusingly suggested, but uou are in the wrong for brow beating her continuously.

Seriously, she can't answer if they need milk?

Why can't he? Is she the milk monitor?

As to the rest, I've been in relationships where 'what do you want for dinner' is a pointless question - because whatever I answer will be rejected because they don't fancy it, and have some other opinion. Ie. He only wanted my opinion so he had something to reject. I've had words with my DP because his treatment of our kids (toddlers/young kids, not teenagers) was unduly harsh, and the issues were caused by him (eg. putting them to bed 2 hours late, or not being clear in instructions) - generally relatively privately, but that's going to be tough with teens.

So without more detail, it's hard to know if YABU, but, my personal experience would lean towards 'Probably - especially if your behaviour over the milk is anything to go by'

And scruffy - I was your GF in my last abusive relationship it was because he belittled everything I liked and had problems with every suggestion about where to go/what to eat/what to watch so I just gave up ever wanting or liking anything.

Scenario 1: Sounds like she was also aware the kid was 'lapping it up' and was trying to shut down the argument in front of said kid, but you're too much of a kid to just leave it alone until a more appropriate time.

Scenario 2: Maybe it's a deliberate attempt to teach you to use your own brain on matters of whether you need to buy milk or not.

Ha! yes Klaphat - a la

Son: Where's my Ipad
Me: Where did you leave it

Repeat ad nauseum....

When my DH was going through a bullying phase, the 'milk question' would have been a way of implicitly criticising me.

Do we need milk - "yes" this would have been my fault for not ensuring that all provisions are topped up to his satisfaction. Or "no" then he might make ten cups of tea and a cheese sauce and have a huge song and dance about midnight about me not anticipating the need for more milk and he'd try to send me out in the pouring rain at ten to eleven in order to have enough for the morning.

Sometimes it's not about milk, it's about control.

You sound like a bully. Did your wife ask you to intervene with the children - no, but you intervened and undermined her authority. Is she the keeper of the fridge - no, how about, "Darling, shall I pick up a litre of milk on the way back from work? I've just checked the fridge and it looks like we've only got enough for a few coffees." Gives her an opportunity to say "Don't bother, I'm doing a big shop" or "Great".

Hmmm ok. Point taken.

Agree with the bully comments. You perpetuated the arguement upstairs in front of the kids and undermined her. And it winds me up a treat when DH asks me if we need XYZ...I am not the food monitor! He has as much access to the cupboards and fridge as me.

it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

So in what way did you 'deal' with the situation given that it sounds like you just ended up with a teenager shouting at you as well as your wife and then instigating an argument with her too? Do you honestly feel as though your contribution made things any better?

And wrt to the milk - is there any reason that you can't just check the fridge yourself?

To clarify - i was heading out front door and wife was stood in kitchen.
Question on milk was even simpler as she had done a food shopping couple hours earlier. I am not being cheeky, but I will do a food shopping tomorrow for all the things missed off pre written list. No big deal as I used to it.

Milk is heavy so I thought I could get 2 big jugs tonight when getting petrol.

I am not a hero. I just asked a simple question that required the most basic answer.

2nd part was I ran up to help as son was hitting wife. Not violently but obviously entirely unacceptable. I disciplined son by removing his phone. Wife then gave son phone back 2 hours later behind my back. I am speechless at that. But is nothing new. A "rod for her own back" people say.

Update- we had a chat at bedtime. I asked if she aware she cannot seem to give a straight answer on anything at all. The reply - waffle

I calmly asked specific questions and saying yes or no would do. Waffle.
I then blamed for ruining night and now for her misplacing car keys and phone! My guess is son has her phone from earlier for revenge. So another fight at breakfast to start the day with I guess.

Night night.....

You speak about her with such contempt it is truly shocking and you haven't answered any of the posts on this thread at all... just waffled....

Honestly if this is your attempt at communicating with her nothing is going to get better. You treat her like you believe she is an idiot and without any compassion, fairness or understanding and you believe you are absolutely right and superior to her... or that's how it comes across...

Honestly, I think you should just split up TBH.

My dad is like that.

Me: would you like a cup of tea
Him: waffle waffle waffle on about nothing in particular

It is frustrating

And it seems like the only reason you asked her the milk thing was to provide further fuel for your contempt...

'She's so stupid she can't even buy food properly just like she can't answer simple questions'

I think you feel like most men and women feel at some stage!!
My DP never answers me with straight answers but he would say the same about me.
Just have to learn to live with it as it's always been the same with any friends and family I talk to.

You need to listen to the "waffle". You are purposely dismissing what she is saying as it is not a simple yes no.
You need to hear what she is saying rather than complaining she isn't saying it how you want her to.

As I said in my pp, some counselling would help, if you do love and respect her and want to make your marriage work and provide a good model for your children.

Don't argue with your wife in front of the kids.

Don't criticise each other when they are there! it's no wonder you are both loosing control. You shouldn't have to argue with your kids!

IMO, she is scared of you and threading on eggshells.

Honestly your most recent post is spookily similar to the conversations with abusive men Lundy Bancroft relates in his book.

She most likely didn't 'waffle'... you opened the conversation with a passive aggressive criticism of her and then she responded but you considered everything she said to be irrelevant and inferior...

For example you could say 'I sometimes struggle to understand what you are saying or meaning because I am often looking for a concrete yes or no answer or I feel like you are avoiding the question. Is it the way I am asking you things that is the issue? I'd like to resolve it together because I'm finding myself sometimes feeling a little unreasonably frustrated and that isn't pleasant for either of us.'

And then listen to what she says and respond appropriately. But I think you won't do that because you are completely unwilling to understand her and completely unwilling to accept you are equally responsible at least for your communication problems - you instead think she is stupid and wrong and irrelevant.

Agree with Offred. I'm not feeling the love here. Just contempt and irritation.

Your last post merely lists all the reasons you are right. You're not on Newsnight, you're in a marriage, a partnership. What do you want people on here to say? 'Yes your wife sounds like an annoying idiot, poor you.' Do you think if you got yes or no answers from your wife, life would be great?

You clearly have no love or respect for her. It sounds as if it would be better - for her certainly - if you separated. Then at least you'd always know who needs to buy milk.

If she's intelligent and good at her job I imagine you're making her feel this lack of confidence. If you really want to get to the bottom of this start listening to her and valuing her opinions.

I have to think of the billion little bits that looking after kids and home include. Sometimes dh picking on one thing really pisses me off and he should just bloody do it. Regarding discipline - it's not about one incident , it's the whole thing. Maybe spending time with your child to try and find out what's wrong or how to deal with teenage hormones or doing something that's actually helpful instead of going in all guns blazing might be more helpful. She might not be telling you hows she's dealing with your son because she thinks you'd disagree etc.

So yes, ask yourself why an intelligent and capable woman can't give you a straight answer.

Hmmm. You were goading her into saying yes, she thought it was your fault, so you could then go on to mansplain to her why it wasn't. All in front of your child.

She sounds scared of you.

You sound unpleasant to be with.