Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

[Stewart2017]

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.
Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

[Offred]

If I intervened and was snapped at I would back off again and put it down to my OH being stressed dealing with son... what I wouldn't do is then round on them as well as son and in front of son.

[Offred]

So my analysis is that at best the wife made a mistake which OP then escalated. At worst his intention in intervening was always about making a point to his wife that her parenting is shit.

[Bitofacow]

You clearly know what they were thinking a lot better than me.

his intention in intervening was always about making a point
I think like the vast majority of people he intervened to stop her getting hit. To infer he intervened as a spiteful way to make a point is pushing it. His wife was being hit.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

oliver'smum

Imho, as said up thread, the question about the milk wasn't all about the milk. That was the front/facade for the underlying point scoring at the wife's expense for the on going dynamic of acquiring ego supply.

As the wife has adapted to the strategy of not answering questions, imho, I would guess the acquiring of ego supply taints any and every interaction between them.

Helping stopping/managing the violent teen was the right thing to do at face value. But the relationship can not function at face value anymore because the foundation of the relationship has been catastrophically eroded (right along with the wife's self esteem) by the incessant ego needs of the one that has to always, somehow, prove superiority in any and every interaction, no matter what.

[Offred]

Are you being deliberately facetious? You can clearly see the sentence did not read as you have reproduced.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Who, me, Offred?
I was referring to math's post: a question about milk is not a question about milk.

[Bitofacow]

So my analysis is that at best the wife made a mistake which OP then escalated. At worst his intention in intervening was always about making a point to his wife that her parenting is shit.

Is that better? His wife was hit by her son. He tried to help. She criticised him. I believe the vast majority of partners would intervene when their partner was being hit and would not welcome being criticised. You believe he intervened to make a point about her being a "shit parent". I feel that without further information that is a very negative way of looking at a partner intervening when the other parent WAS BEING HIT.

[Offred]

I don't 'believe' he intervened deliberately to make a point. I am saying from my reading of his description I believe at best he intervened trying to help and then made it into an argument in front of the kids with his PA dog with a bone questioning (which was in no way a 'simple question') after she snapped critically at him and at worst he deliberately stepped in because he thinks he is the better parent.

I think the first post was pretty clear TBH.

[mathanxiety]

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.

Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed

A few points relating to this passage:

1. First, to repeat what Offred said:
   "If his motivation was helping his wife or even 'dealing strictly' with the son, when his son started name calling why was his response to escalate the argument further by repeatedly asking her to repeat what she had said?"
   I suspect that every interaction between the OP and his wife features the OP capitalising on any opportunities offered to him to congratulate himself on being right all the time.
   Not surprisingly, he is now sensing a baffling frostiness in his family. It has dawned on him that nobody answers his questions and his son does not respect him at all, and he takes to the internet to get this explained.
   
   
2. We do not know what the 'issue' was.
   It wasn't necessarily the argument itself at that moment between the wife and the young teenage son. There may well have been some previous issue or grievance that they were arguing about, perhaps something the OP had had a part in prior to the incident that the OP intervened in.
   Maybe the son was yelling about something being unfair? Maybe the son was yelling at the wife for being a pushover or letting dad be a tyrant or never standing up to him even when an edict was patently unfair/unreasonable, etc?
   Sometimes a young teen's anger can be more safely directed at the person who is not the root of the family's problems.
   Sometimes a young teen who is part of a family where the parents have a dysfunctional relationship will be able to pinpoint the problem pretty accurately, and will not hesitate to call it as he or she sees it.
   
   
3. The OP is not able to step back and be a grown up but engages with the son who clearly has accused the OP of causing the issue (i.e. some back issue the OP does not mention that I suspect was the topic of the row).
   
   
4. The OP accuses a young teen (therefore a child) of tormenting him and calling him names. This aspect of it in particular makes me thing the topic of discussion between the wife and the DS was something - maybe some edict or punishment, etc - that the OP had dished out previously, that the DS thought wasn't right or fair, and the DS was continuing the same theme he had been expounding on before the intervention.
   
   
5. The wife is perhaps also engaging with the son, but criticises me for causing issue may well refer to what I suspect was a previous problem that was being discussed angrily. This instance of the wife speaking on behalf of her son could possibly be a case of her speaking out after a good deal of goading by the son during the conversation that was the occasion of the intervention, perhaps along the lines of 'He's a bully/You know I'm right'.
   This is speculation on my part and I freely admit it. But I have reasons to suspect this background and the 'last straw' element here on the part of the wife.
   
   
6. Aggrieved - indicated he feels he is being unfairly treated despite the browbeating of his wife, done ever so calmly.
   
   
7. Scorns the son for 'lapping it up'.
   People don't have a right to respond to the scene he created in a way he does not approve of or that does not feed his ego needs.
   The son doesn't have the right to see through him and laugh at what a pathetic sight a domestic tyrant is - when you are a young teen you do not feel the way you felt about your father as you might have felt when you were nine or ten. You develop your critical faculties and your view of someone who is a petty point scorer and a bottomless pit of "ego needs" is not necessarily going to be positive. [YYY, AndTheBandPlayedOn]
   It is possible the OP has an inkling that the DS is no longer an adoring fan of his. The words used to describe the DS here indicate that affection has been withdrawn from the young teen. He is seen as someone whose status is equal to the OP's when it comes to affecting the OP's feelings ('tormenting', laughing at the spectacle in front of him). There may be a process of devaluation going on.
   
   
8. No, this is no way to act in front of the DS or in any other company. Shame on the OP.
   
   I am repeating three statements from the OP here:
   
9. I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.
   He wants his feelings to be sacrosanct. Nobody else's feelings matter at all. He feels his intentions are pure and right, and nobody has the right to criticise his actions. He can dish it but he can't take it.
   
   
10. why on earth am I being blamed
    What he wants here is to be acknowledged as blameless. He demands to be judged by his intentions.
    
    
11. asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding
    He can't let other people speak freely. He has to be in control even when they are complaining to him about his actions.
    
    (And the prize for dripfeed of the year goes to the OP with the revelation of the DS hitting the wife, apparently possible to discern from downstairs, and it is also possible to discern from that distance how hard the hitting is.)

[Offred]

I would go that far with speculation I just none of the examples he gave are examples of his wife not being able to answer simple yes/no questions.

The milk was not a genuine question, it was him trying to trip her up over missing things from the shopping, that's why he didn't just check the fridge and why he was desperate for her to answer him.

The son thing was as above at the very best etc

The 'chat' was him openly criticising her and then not even listening to her response.

From his description it is therefore hard to tell whether the wife has any problems with communication (she may/she may not) but it is clear to see that the OP does.

[Offred]

*wouldnt

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Can I ask how you are supposed to deduce whether the milk question was genuine or not.

[Offred]

Is it a reasonable question to ask? Lots of people said 'why ask why not just check the fridge?'

Then the next post revealed two things - he knew his wife had just been shopping and he is pissed at her always forgetting things; betrays a hidden intention on his part.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I go shopping with a list. I forget things if dp asks me have I got milk I answer.

If dp gets annoyed because I have forgotten something I tell him he is quite welcome to do the whole of the shopping if he is that perfect.

May be its just me but it wouldn't cross my mind it was a loaded question and to start waffling and getting tied up in knots over things.

[ChuckSnowballs]

If we forget something, we either get it next time we go out or pop to the nearest shop if it is urgent. We live in a village and the nearest shop is around 5 miles away. If my OH stood at the door bellowing about whether we needed milk or not I'd tell him to fucking look in the fucking fridge as I do not have x-ray vision.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

My last BF had a habit of not answering a question with a straight answer. For example:
Me: I'm going to make a coffee, would you like a drink?
Him: [makes a vague noise that could mean anything]
Me: is that a yes or a no?
Then again he was shite at communicating in general, which was why I eventually dumped him. I really don't know why he found it impossible to talk, but all I know is how badly it effected me; not knowing what's going on was awful.

2 other BFs used to always answer "shall we do XYZ today?" questions with "it's up to you" or "I don't mind". It did my head in as I was the one who always had to make the decisions, always had to take responsibility. I felt they were passing the buck, refusing to do the risky decision-making, and it got very tiresome after a while.

[Blossomdeary]

Join the clan - my OH never answers the question I ask him. He comes back (after some thought - grr!) with a comment that is tangentially related to the question but is not a direct answer. It rives me nuts!!

[WellErrr]

She's scared of you, she's treading on eggshells, and you're hoping to use the answers to this thread as a stick to beat her with.

How interesting that YOU havent actually answered any of the questions on this thread - you've just waffled on.

[mathanxiety]

Oliversmumsarmy:
May be its just me but it wouldn't cross my mind it was a loaded question and to start waffling and getting tied up in knots over things.

It doesn't cross the wife's mind either. She is not 'waffling' deliberately or feeling fear deliberately or anticipating humiliation deliberately.

Can I ask how you are supposed to deduce whether the milk question was genuine or not.
Prior experience of sarcasm, being told off for forgetting grocery items, prior experience of seeing someone open the fridge and roll his eyes, heave sighs, etc., prior experience of remarks made when he shouldered the burden of heading out to get items forgotten. People like the OP here do not simply go out to get milk themselves when they realise it has been forgotten. They broadcast their superiority to their audience.
They speak of themselves exactly as the OP did:
I am not being cheeky, but I will do a food shopping tomorrow for all the things missed off pre written list. No big deal as I used to it.

And despite his protestations, he wants the family to understand that it is a big deal, that he is a hero; and by implicit contrast he makes sure his spouse is seen as an incompetent eejit and that she feels like an incompetent idiot too.

You should probably consider yourself lucky that you have never had to deal with someone who had the effect on you that the OP here does on his wife.

Have you never even had a teacher in school who made you feel incredibly small and foolish?

If you ever had such a teacher, did you feel comfortable every time you encountered him or her, and when they started to speak to you did you feel apprehensive? Confident?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Yes I have had teachers like that.
I found bunking off school or playing up to how stupid I was made my day.

I mean what could they do. Expel me. Oh how scared I would be (that is a sarcastic scared)

[mathanxiety]

The wife can't bunk off.

Well she could, but she probably thinks she is too stupid and inarticulate to function on her own in the big wide world at this point. The thought of it probably makes her feel quite scared.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

You asked about a specific situation.

Then say I can't answer in the way I have

[mathanxiety]

Nobody has said you can't answer in the way you have.

What I am suggesting is that the wife can't respond to the situation the way you did. I would also like to suggest that for every student like you who relished the chance to have a bully of a teacher make your day, there are hundreds who would rather skip school than deal with the stress. The vast majority of people who experience bullying react like deer in the headlights.

Your response is very atypical. Not 'wrong', because everyone is different after all. But does it not occur to you that most people have a very different response to a bullying situation from yours ?

[mrmack54]

I couldn't agree with you more Stewart. Regardless of what the opposite 23 chromosomes are saying here, it is a very frustrating dilemma. Sometimes we just don't have the time or patience to engage in mental gymnastics when trying to get an immediate response to a problem. If misery truly loves company, then trust me when I say that you have a LOT of company on this one, and unfortunately, it will NEVER change. Just the aggravating nature of the beast. I've found that when I reverse it back onto them, the reaction is quite interesting and amusing at the same time. Try it. But whatever you do, don't disclose that you're doing it. It is just one of those silent salvos that we guys can fire without retribution......👍