Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

[Stewart2017]

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.

Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

I have a husband who rarely gives a yes or no. Tbh he'd probably be accused of being a manchild who doesn't want to take any responsibility. By not answering yes or no it puts the onus on me to make the decision. Every. Bloody. Time. It is frustrating.

Those of you thinking OP was in the wrong over the milk - did you miss the bit where he said he was going out of the door and his wife was stood in the kitchen? Come on, would you really expect someone to walk back in to the kitchen to check when you were stood next to the fridge? And maybe his wife does have form for missing stuff off the list (I do, frequently), doesn't mean she's crap - just means it's a good idea to check!

And would you really think it's OK for a man not to intervene when his wife is being hit? Really? If you were being hit by a teenager, would you really want to be left to it?

OP, you need to look in to counselling as your first step, possibly on your own to start off with as if you are bullying her (which can't be ruled out) you need to identify it and fix that first.

My wife is similar but in so much as she will never make a decision.

seriel fence sitter.

Friend''s kids were around for a visit.

"Would you like a drink?"
-I don't mind.
"Are you hungry, would you like a biscuit."
-I really don't mind.
"Would you like to go the park?"
-I wouldn't mind.

I could have throttled them.

She sounds hard work Op, That behaviour would drive me mad.

Is she depressed? Sounds like she doesn't care about anything.

As she felt you were to blame for the kid kicking off , I would say to leave them to it next time unless she asks for back up. The child seems to get off on your arguments.

I was sympathetic to the first post but with that passive aggressive comment about being used to getting the forgotten items the next day and don't minding it you did yourself no favours! There was no finnesse there was there - trying to undermine her and paint yourself as a martyr in one sentence - mega fail.

I think it should be compulsory, or MN should install some form of filter, to make all posts like this gender neutral. There would be a lot more balance to the opinions given I suspect.

It's nothing to do with gender.

No-one has said that evasive answers are not annoying or that the wife is not part of the communication problem.

It is the OP's tone which has influenced my posts not his penis... that would be utterly ridiculous.

I suspect the cause of the evasiveness that annoys him is the way he chooses to interact with his wife and the contempt he has for her which is visible in his posts.

Offred

You have called him Mr Right and suggested they divorce on the basis of two OP posts. You have written how you were on the receiving end of abuse. You don't think you have a bias here? If you didn't know the OP was a man, are you sure you wouldn't have interpreted his "tone" differently?

The OP could have posted without revealing the sex of himself or his partner.

Italian - any OP that hides gender is automatically assumed to be male and ripped to shit for trying to hide the fact.

No-one apologises if they're proved wrong

Absolutely, no more biased than anyone else.

Could you explain why you think it is bias due to his penis and not due to his posts?

I might remind you my first post read this way;

"So you have wildly different parenting styles and argue in front of your kids.

You hector her to give 'the right answer' when you are unsatisfied with what she says.

You ask her if you need milk etc and are angry with her for not answering but why are you asking her anyway? Why not think 'do we need milk?' Go and look and make your own decision and then let her know - 'we need more milk, I'll pick some up today'

Your communication (both of you) is massively wrong and definitely needs sorting out as this is clearly causing you to get really angry at small things and her to behave petulantly."

And his second post caused me to refine that view. What I suggested was that if that was how he thought discussing things should go it will never be resolved and they should split up.

I said he sounds very like mr right and the conversations are spookily similar to the ones in the LB book you are free to disagree.

Have you had a look at those two things to make an accurate judgement or are you just assuming bias?

I don't understand the milk thing.

She had gone shopping, off a prewritten list, that day.

Why would you ask if milk was needed?

One would assume it was the most optimum time for milk being in the house, surely?

Why were you asking in the first place, knowing shopping had just been done?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks your experience may be "- any OP that hides gender is automatically assumed to be male and ripped to shit for trying to hide the fact."

But if a poster chose not to reveal their sex I would do my best to answer as nuetrally as possible. I try not to be swayed by whether anyone is female or male, but I might be, so posting neutrally would be good.

Also "...no-one apologises if they're proved wrong" Not true, I've apologised a number of times when I'be got things wrong.

Just buy the milk, OP. Take a bit of responsibility.

Offred

You have suggested they split up based on what you've inferred from 500 words. If the OP was/is a woman would you have compared them to Mr Right? There are numerous posters who have concluded its abuse/controlling or similar based on the same, even though there of plenty of examples of how some people are just like that (the wife) in terms of their indecision and vagueness (I've met loads of people like that in my life). It's MN at its worst, and if the OP happens/happened to be a woman, I don't think there would be those same responses.

I've suggested if he really thinks that conversation is him trying to resolve their communication problem they I think they should probably split up.

Of course I would have suggested someone sounds like mr right from that book if they sounded like mr right from the book! Their gender is not a factor, it is the sounding like mr right...

You are free to wonder what you like and say what you like but i think it is noteworthy that you haven't actually engaged with the substance of what you say is unfair I.e. Explained why you disagree, rather you have personally attacked me as being biased without substantiating the reasons you think I am...

I would suggest that for the moment you should minimise communication unless the 2 of you are alone and can talk about your relationship. Buy the milk/don't buy the milk, but don't bother her about it, don't intervene when she is talking to the kids; she is an adult and parent. If you disagree that is another thing to discuss when you are alone. There isn't a right or wrong way to do things; the kids will figure out quite easily what is an acceptable way to behave with their mum and what is an acceptable way to behave with their dad.

Sorry, I agree with PP, you do sound hideously condescending. Marching upstairs and engaging in such an aggressive way in front of your child when your wife was trying to deal with it is awful. I know you say you were 'calm', I'd argue repeating yourself over and over, making it all about you and how you are RIGHT and nothing your wife says is right, is aggressive. That's ignoring the fact you made the situation with your child so much worse by undermining your wife.
With the milk, check it yourself. Although I agree that, in context, you were only asking to prove how shit your wife is for forgetting the milk (off a list seems a big deal to you as you make a point of it).
You don't seem to like your wife much from your posts and you sound fucking nasty. I agree she sounds like she is treading on eggshells, trying desperately not to say the 'wrong' thing.

Actually I didn't personally attack you intentionally. I posted a general post suggesting gender is influencing the responses to which you replied you thought it was ridiculous. I replied and I pointed out that, to me, your posts read of bias and that MN trend of jumping to conclusions about relationships based on a few brief snapshots into someone's life. Personally I don't think those same conclusions by you, or anyone else, would be reached if we knew the OP was female, or they wouldn't be expressed so vigorously at least. I think this because there are commonly posts about men that are kind of reverses. As suggested above it's not inconceivable for this to be reversed and the DH made out to be a "man child". It's also possible that rather than being an abusive relationship the DW is just a pain in the arse. I just can't fathom how people on MN can make such forthright conclusions one way or another based on the information given. It's a snapshot. It may not be well written or accurately expressed. It may not fully encapsulate everything. It may be it's being over/misinterpreted. (And I genuinely think that any inherent bias plays a role in that.) But to some people it's black or white. There's no room for nuance, exploration or clarification.

The inability to answer a straight forward question , to me ,shows a lack of confidence stemming from a fear of being criticised at whatever the answer is.

I didn't say I thought it was ridiculous for you to think posters are biased I said;

"It's nothing to do with gender.

No-one has said that evasive answers are not annoying or that the wife is not part of the communication problem.

It is the OP's tone which has influenced my posts not his penis... that would be utterly ridiculous."

I.e. It would be ridiculous if someone's posts were biased based on the presence/absence of a penis.

You still haven't substantiated why you disagree or given any advice btw.

Are you really suggesting that we should all fall over ourselves to avoid acknowledging the op's clearly combative and contemptuous post just because he is (likely) a man?