Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

[Stewart2017]

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.

Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

Yup, the tone is the issue. OP clearly shows contempt for his wife and I suspect it comes through when he is talking to her.

Can I point out again to all of the "whinge whinge, gender bias whinge" posters, that the op has not stated their sex - only that their partner is their wife.

Yes, you said it would be ridiculous we're biased based on the OP's gender, and that is exactly what I am saying is happening. People are doing it, your posts read like you're doing it, and it's ridiculous.

I have substantiated why I disagree. I disagree with the advice given about the OP being potentially abusive because I can see a situation could exist where it's the fault of the wife entirely, it's both of their faults and it's all the OP's fault. Therefore I disagree with those who have advised so strenuously it's all the OP's fault because I feel they're jumping to conclusions. I don't like calling someone abusive based on a 500 word summary of their relationship and I think other pp should stop and think twice before they post for the same reasons.

I've not called the op abusive and I've been clear that there is a communication problem that is leading to the op getting really angry about small things and his wife behaving petulantly.

Have you even read the thread.

No credible advice re improving communication would advise the op to raise his frustrations by trying to trip his wife up over the milk, trying to pin her down to an answer he finds acceptable or opening a discussion with a criticism and then consigning everything she says as 'waffle'.

Advice re communication is always along the lines of be calm, be forgiving and compassionate, avoid critical language, listen and understand your partner's responses.

OP does call himself Stewart, which would suggest to me that he could just possibly be male...

OP, your wife might well be having trouble giving you a straight answer, which might well be frustrating, but it does sound like you will just not accept "I don't know" (second example), or keep asking the same question to prove a point even after she has made her position clear (first example) - i.e. you are waiting until you get the yes or no answer you want. Your tone makes it sound like you actively dislike her. Do you ever have moments when you are kind to one another? Seek out counselling.

Re the milk example , I would intentionally answer I don't know, because it's not my bloody job to keep a mental picture of food stores in my head and dp can go and look, he has legs to walk to the fridge, hands to open it, eyes to look with and a brain to work out if there's enough milk... the lack of opinions more generally could be really annoying, I tell my dp I'll try and work around something he likes if he can decide what he likes but i won't embark on an hour of teasing out from him what he actually wants to do.

I think it probably is a male, but Stewart is a perfectly usual surname for eg...!

What I find weird is the amount of men who post (usually in relationships) what is clearly dodgy behaviour. It's almost as if they want to be called abusive, and for the civil war that follows with "you're only saying that cause it's a man" ...? Peculiar.

I haven't read too much into that TBH since this poster has a posting history. It's not like they just joined to post this thread.

Yes I've read the thread. The OP has been called a bully, controlling, she's walking on egg shells, intimidated. You called it "hectoring". You likened Scruffy's situation to your previous abusive relationship, despite knowing little about Scruffy's relationship. You say the OP speaks with contempt. You've inferred a lot from the OP's second post which I don't see at all - how is the OP trying to "trip her up" over the milk? She'd been shopping already, he was going out, at the door, she's in the kitchen, did they need milk or not? You likened that post to LB's abusive men conversations. You paraphrased the OP to suggest they called her "stupid". That's pretty close to calling the OP abusive.

They clearly need to improve their communication but as I said above the instant reaction that a (presumed) man is abusive is a big jump from the information provided.

Well no, you disagree with that way of reading it.

Leaving aside the things you have read into my posts, you are presuming that you are the voice of reason which is generally objectionable.

Why is DW expected to monitor milk reserves? Since she last noticed, others (and their friends) could have had a glass of milk/milkshake or a bowl of cereal and suddenly depleted stocks.
Consider asking your questions in a less confrontational way, including your tone. Maybe, "Have you noticed if we need any more milk?"
I suggest an anger management course for you to calm the mood right down in your household. The atmosphere appears to make it difficult for DW to answer honestly, afraid to give the 'wrong' answer in your eyes. Repeating a question over and over is verbal bullying and indicates a lack of respect for her. Could other family members be viewing you as a hotheaded raging bull, easily provoked to anger, rather than respecting you for being coolly and calmly firm and ignoring much of any immaturity?
If I was your DW I would have been annoyed and alarmed to have you wading into a matter I was already handling adequately, with the subtlety of a rhino. Do you usually smooth the waters or make matters worse and raise the tension?

I hope your belittled and badgered wife leaves your bullying ass and then you'll have a final answer.

I'm not presuming to the voice of reason, I'm asking that people be a bit more reasonable and considered in their responses and not let inherent bias cloud their responses. If you find that objectionable, then I there's not much else to say.

What is objectionable is your assumption that the responses are inherently biased and that your views are the objectively reasonable and considered ones rather than just your views.

But we are still waiting for your insights into the OP's situation and your advice for him so several posts in it is not unreasonable to wonder if your motivation is wading in to criticise MN for man hating and not to offer helpful advice/insight to the op...

You don't think it is remotely possible it could be you that is inherently biased - about MN?

It's possible your DW took the question about the milk, right after she''d done a food shop, as taking the piss and harking back to all the other times you had mocked her for forgetting things off the list. Are you certain you were not having a dig at her? The news is human beings are not perfect, not any of us, including you.
Your assumption your son took the phone will likely provoke a reaction and become a self-fulfilling prophecy, reinforcing your perception of him as a troublemaker. Keep an open mind about where the phone is. It could just as easily be down the back of the sofa.
If you want your son to treat your DW with respect, he needs a role model in you to follow. He is learning it's ok to treat women as incompetent children worthy of contempt.

I have offered an opinion. I have opined that there's not enough information to conclude who is at fault. I stated above that they need to improve their communication. That's a start. I posted that above. It is my view that if it was clear the OP was a woman, fewer people would have posted along the lines of hinting at an abusive relationship. I do believe I am being more reasonable than pp who have concluded it's potentially abusive based on two posts. How do you see it as reasonable that the OP has been labelled the things they have based on such limited information?

I am not biased against MN. I am pointing out one of MN's faults. Like how the knee jerk "LTB" responses are appropriately criticised. This is no different.

So start your own thread about your issues with MN. Why make someone else's thread all about your grievances?

I genuinely looked at this thread because it's just the thing that my STBXH levels at me. Drives me mad that he does it. He has accused me over the years at being bad at communication. With the inference that he's very good because of his career track record and whatnot.

I can honestly say that I've never had such a problem with communication with anyone else but that's not to say some of the things I do might be irritating. I often pre-empt what the questioner wants. I will think they're asking me if they should buy milk, I know that there is some milk but are they planning to use an extra amount so I'll say what are you planning for tea? He hates this and has latched on to it. So therefore I'm 'always' vague. He thinks it's because I'm hiding something, which is so far from the truth.

I quite often fail to answer some questions as I think they're rhetorical. He can talk the hind legs off a fucking donkey. Also, he asks stupid fucking questions about where something should go, or what shall I do next or some question HE CN WORK OUT FOR HIMSELF>

Add to that, the gaslighting and I'm wary. I realise now I was in a EA relationship. I'm not BAD at communication. I just relate in a different way. Our relationship was dysfunctional and I can see that now. When you're in the thick of it, it's difficult to recognise. Therapy would never have worked. We tried it once, he said all the right things...

Anyway, that's my experience. OP you really need to sort out your DS and the violence. Therapy/counselling for all of you.

Because in this situation I think it's unfair that the OP is being painted as potentially abusive. This is about trying to see the OP from different points of view. It's not unreasonable to point this out on this thread. I'm not making it about MN in general. My posts have been about the OP apart from that last paragraph above which was in response to your suggestion that I have a bias about MN.

There is no law that questions have to be answered either "yes" or "no". People who are more wordy, or in your opinion "waffle", are different to you in their communication style, not wrong.

Not surprised to see that the OP being labeled a bully, domineering and the like.

Equally not surprised to see him apparently showing contempt for his wife, mild irritation yes but actually contemp? Dear God, talk about hyperbole.

The milk situation is just bizarre and no it doesn't come off like he has made her out to be the resident food stock manager. He asked a routine question and she made it agonisingly tedious, he even offered to go in and check himself.

So just say that - 'I think it is unfair that the op is, I feel, being painted as abusive'

Explain why and give advice.

Of course it is going to rile people and make it all about you if you come out with posts like 'I'm not presuming to the voice of reason, I'm asking that people be a bit more reasonable and considered in their responses and not let inherent bias cloud their responses. If you find that objectionable, then I there's not much else to say.'

*The reply - waffle

I calmly asked specific questions and saying yes or no would do. Waffle. *

Come on, the OP sounds like a complete jerk, specifying the replies that would be acceptable to him and calling everything else 'waffle'. How demanding, dismissive and yes, contemptuous of his wife's right to say what she is thinking.

A new dawn - I don't understand why you wouldn't just say - "We've got half a pint" or whatever, rather than answering question with a question.

I think the OP should just take a step back and do nothing and say nothing and then see what happens. Just do their own thing for them since they are not getting any input from other sources. Least of all MN.

If I had a son and he hit by DP I would be down on him like a ton of bricks. On MN that is wrong and the DP should have been left to deal with being abused. Asking if the family home needs milk is clearly some kind of passive aggressive assault on the DP so the OP just needs to buy his own milk. Dont speak to the DP, dont ask questions, dont stop abuse and all will be fine in MN world.

Apparently.....