Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

[Stewart2017]

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.
Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

[NotTheDroidYoureLookingFor]

OP, don't initiate or engage in spousal arguments in front of the kid. Deal with it out of earshot.

You sounded like a complete fucking arse during that argument tbh. And when you start describing your oh in terms of they "never" (or "always") do xyz it's generally a really bad sign, showing contempt. Get some couples counselling, or a divorce.

It sounds more like frustrationor truththan contempt. You're jumping to a terribly big conclusion here.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

OP your posts sound like you are both contemptuous of each other in the home. Both her initial responses to you as you describe them and your subsequent badgering of her. I would be infuriated in your situation, but I also can't imagine doing what you describe your wife doing unless you had been constantly winding me up in some way.

I think you both need individual counselling and then either joint counselling or a managed separation.

[WinnieFosterTether]

Is your DW a MNer?

[BeyondTheStarryNight]

To elaborate on offreds milk post, do you always go shopping the day after she does? That's...weird.

[tipsytrifle]

How else does your wife fail to offer yes or no answers?

[BeyondTheStarryNight]

(I don't mean the garage trip btw, in case anyone thought I had misunderstood - I mean the planned shop the next day)

[mathanxiety]

You sound insufferable.

You should not have butted in with your wife and son. Did you want her to say yes so you could 'calmly' explain to her that actually the correct answer was no? Or should she have said 'No' so you could smile smugly at her, while your son also looked at her as if she was some pathetic fool?

You should not have 'calmly' asked her the same question over and over again, let alone in front of a child. That 'calmly' bit is a red flag of an abuser, always painting himself as the calm and in control one, the voice of reason, He Who Is Always Right.

No wonder your son is angry. His father is clearly contemptuous of the woman who brought him into the world and has stooped to the level of playing him off against her so that he emerges with his sense of superiority and self satisfaction undented.

I am not being cheeky, but I will do a food shopping tomorrow for all the things missed off pre written list. No big deal as I used to it
You poor, poor martyr.
No wonder your wife told you to just go. You set her up with the milk question in order to prove her wrong or catch her out and sneer at her.

Do you enjoy being right all the time? Do you enjoy tearing your family apart with these disgusting displays of superiority?

[mathanxiety]

Just to make this clear:
'His father....has stooped to the level of playing [his son] off against [the wife] so that he [the father] emerges with his sense of superiority and self satisfaction undented.'

[HoHumming]

You shouldn't have got involved in the situation with your wife and kid unless she asked for help! You undermined her completely and if me, I'd have felt totally inadequate as a result of your interference.

As for the 'do we need milk' type situations. My DH does this and it drives me crazy. I end up screaming at him 'go check the fridge'. How am I supposed to know without checking myself if we need milk. Do you think I have nothing more on my mind than tallying how much milk we have consumed.

As for the 'what will we have for dinner'. Quite honestly, I do not give a shit. If we haven't meat and veg in the fridge, I will eat whatever you cook/ or I will eat whatever is in the fridge/ or I will eat beans on toast if there isn't anything in the fridge. Food and food shopping lists are among my most hated of all the mundane things I already have to do. My DH loves being organised/writing lists/planning menus/looking at recipes. I prefer cleaning the bathroom!

It seriously drives me absolutely crazy when he asks what will we eat for dinner when it is ten o clock on a Sunday morning and I am drinking my breakfast coffee.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

My dh won't give me a yes or no ( insert looong pause...) so I say: "Is that a yes or no?" Then he answers. However, if I still don't get an answer, he knows he will be in the "get what you get and don't have a fit" territory. I know his context though- government employee with many years of non-committal answers, as well as an engineer type who may need to run a brief analysis whether it would be truly better to have milk or juice.

My first gut reaction to your post is that not answering is a control tactic. You can not make her answer. The more you pester her, the more she will be determined to not answer. This is empowering to her. The question is why does she need to resort to this dynamic to feel empowered-( which is the same as a feeling of self-esteem)? Previous posters have answered that spot on, Offred and mathanxiety especially.

It is evident that you do not respect your wife and you are training your son to not respect her (and any other female as well). You can not expect her to be a willing team (family) member with the constant stream of Death By Ten Thousand Cuts...and you claim to be the one "used to it". Stop being such a jerk. She is who she is, why dont you try adapting yourself instead of expecting her to be stuffed in your template for her?

[namechange102]

Your update sounds very condescending. Everyone forgets an item off a written shopping list at some point, for goodness sake.

[TheoriginalLEM]

ask her if she wants a divorce! She will give a definite yes i reckon

[notangelinajolie]

Your post sounded quite confrontational. Maybe she is scared of giving you the wrong answer. Check the milk yourself next time.

[GelfBride]

Lem

[languagelearner]

She's (the wife) probably got a seckret knack for being in politics. I somehow recognize the pattern of not being able to answer "yes" or "know" to a question from elsewhere in life...

[MistressMaisie]

You both sound unpleasant, as does your son.
Hitting is mother? You charging upstairs and 'sorting' the issue. Her taking an abusive son's side? You both winding each other up, she obviously has no intention of engaging with you. You keep goading the situation by asking her questions.

I think you should see a solicitor to see how things woudl stand if you separated. Can you afford two homes etc. Once you know the facts you can have a conversation with DW or not if she refuses. And decide what you want to do.

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

I have some sympathy for the OP here. If DH didn't answer questions or didn't appreciate me trying to help, even if it didn't help, I would not be happy. There seems to be two big problems here; the contempt that the teenage son is showing for both parents, but particularly his mother and the poor relationship between the OP and his DW.

However is the DS picking up on his father's attitude towards his DW and mirroring that? It seems rather likely from what has been said. In which case it is the DW who needs some support and sympathy. She sounds browbeaten. I wonder at the history that has got the family to this sad point. If I were in this situation I would be asking for help from a family counsellor to try to get the family back on track.

Surely that is worth a try before divorcing?

[Bluntness100]

You sound highly contemptuous of your wife and I suspect you've got bigger issues in your marriage if you are posting in this way on here about her. In addition the far bigger issue is uour son being violent and what appears to be awful behaviour, but your contempt seems to be for your wife only.

[OnionKnight]

I don't see how the OP intervening to stop his son from hitting the mother could be a bad thing? Okay it blew up in his face but the son sounds like a kid that knows what he is doing (stealing his mum's phone etc). If the wife was badly injured because the OP didn't intervene what would everyone be saying then?

The non-existant answer about the milk would piss me off too, either say yes, no or look in the fucking fridge myself, don't just deflect.

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

I think if your teenage son was hitting your wife you had every right to intervene and help. And every right to take his phone.

Her giving it back behind your back is ridiculous.

It seems communication is a big issue. It will need to be unpicked carefully. The way you are doing it at the moment is not working.

The milk thing is really odd. That would seem to me to be a straightforward yes or no.

[christmaswreaths]

Mine does this on certain topics, and it's normally to avoid confrontation or making a decision. It does drive me mad too.

[TheNaze73]

She would drive me up the bloody wall. You have my full sympathy

[rosabug]

this is classic passive aggressive behaviour. the answer possibly lies with you. i have been guilty of similar behaviour with my ex. at the root of it i felt he was concerned about everything except me. trying loving her a bit more and showing her individual attention. and when you are in a good place ask her about what she thinks is behind it.

[rosabug]

.......i think you are possibly more controlling than you realise.....maybe?

[rosabug]

.....a classic way to undermine control is this sort of non-committal spanner in the works.