40something men - what happens to them??!!

[lorna111]

Just this, really! I'm coming at this from the angle of online dating to be fair, but I've been doing OLD for about a year now, on and off, and I have to say the whole experience has been utterly depressing. In my age group (45) the choice is dismal, a reduced pool anyway to start with I suppose, but I live in a reasonably big city, so you'd think there'd be a few options! Usual stuff, I get chased by the 60 year olds with grown up kids (I have a 5 year old so would prefer to meet younger!) or the 55year olds who've never been married or had kids (not for me), but absolutely no decent mid forties men. The ones I've come across are either married 😦 including a colleague at work who was basically up for an affair (I turned him down and now it's all v awkward), or flakey or just odd, or just tediously dull. I don't know, I know quite a few single mums and childfree women in their forties and i think we're all pretty cool really, decent jobs, nice, make an effort with appearance etc. So why is it so bloody difficult to meet an equivalent male?? I am feeling seriously jaded.

Not sure what I'm asking really but need to rationalise the lack of options rather than thinking it's down to me! Why so few?! Am thinking things might improve at 50, as long as I go for a 70 yr old!

Clopy I think men in their 20s, 50s and 60s tend to use OLD in the same way and see it as a numbers game, i.e. they'll message pretty much everyone in the hope that that will increase their chances.

I think the men in thier 30s and 40s can afford to be more discerning as they are perceived as being 'at thier peak value' (a bit like women between 18 and 30) and can therefore afford to be more choosy.

The last time I did old I was 30 and I only ever attracted older men too. I always seem to attract the younger ones in real life though!

Yeah, the whole 'cast the net wide' thing.

I met my fiancé OLD and he is five years younger than me, we are both never married with no kids, both in our forties. We both put five years younger and five years older on our profiles. In the past I've had men twenty years+ sending me messages, one was about 73 when I was about 40! I politely declined them.

If a man in their 20s is messaging women in their 40s I can pretty much guarantee that he is looking for just sex. Which is fine if that is what you are looking for but it is very unlikely they are interested in an actual relationship with a woman that much older than them. As for men in their 50s and upwards their motives vary

Yeah, that's pretty obvious. They think an older woman is going to teach them a few tricks. I don't want to teach young boys how to fuck.

if a man wants a much younger woman he is wanting sex too surely?

Same thing that happens to 40 something women!

Boolove

I am sure they do but they would also be more likely to be interested in an actual longterm relationship as well. Whereas with much younger men older woman scenario they would probably want to keep it casual or if it does get serious there might be problems if he wants children.

I've a friend in her forties dating a 29 year old and any time I try to suggest that she just see it as a temporary thing she gets annoyed. It's only been going on a few months, and she's enjoying it now but I don't want her to have all of these 'love conquers all' notions because it doesn't. A 29 year old man with no dc is not going to grow old with a woman 14 years older.
And I think women have to look out for their own future. No man is going to be worrying about how easy or difficult a woman might find it to recover/put themselves back on the 'market' ten years from now.

Saying that, the last man who wasted my time (Not too much of it luckily!) was 52, fgs!

I'm not convinced that the majority of men in there late 40s and over are desperate to have kids.

The only man I know who had spike about it is a childless 44 year old who ha never married.
His partner is 5 years older and does not want any more children .
He accepts he will not bad s darker and says that she is going to be his lifetime partner.
He had never met tme right woman before.

I think the vast majority of men gnus age really do not want to be old fathers.
Neither do children want parents who get mistaken for their grandad.
I'm not having a dig at older parents btw.
Most men would prefer to be young enough to enjoy their children . I think this is a red herring.
It's like most woven would prefer to be with a wealthy man rather than a poor one, other things bring equal.

majority of men "gnus" age really

I Give in what's that mean?.

So about the typos!
Most men would prefer to have children before they hit their late 40s.

Also it's been proven that the older a man is, the poorer quality sperm he produces so it is better for women to mate with a you get man from a reproduction point of view.

Don't forget that in the not too distant past, humans died before they hit their late 40s.

Anyhow back to the op.

There are lots of men who want to date women their own age. It's just old gives people the chance to narrow their criteria.

I would avoid any man who would not date a woman his own age just as I would Avoid any man who stayed he would not date a black woman. I am white btw.

Men in their forties will likely have been through, or will have a brother or friend who has experienced the financial disaster of divorce, are probably living apart from their own children.
It takes a very strong or possibly stupid person to repeat this emotional roller coaster, hence the apparent lack of prospective long term men.

Yeh most men are 'done' by 40 if they already have a child/children.

Ime they only want a child after 45 if they havent had one already. Must make it very hard meeting s9mebody who is attracted to you, attractive to the man, and young eno7gh to have a child, oh, and, wants one.

The internet is full of men 'open to having children' at 50 and over!!!
It is sad or optimistic as men think they have all the time in the world and then they miss the boat too.

Yes older sperm linked to autism.
Catherine zeta jones and mjd son has autism.

Why shouldn't a man older than say 50 have children|? Yes they may not have been around many years ago but we're ageing better these days people are living longer so why not, any real reasons?

I think you misunderstand. They can want it but it won't happen for the vast majority of 50 year old men who aren't fathers and want a child. They'd have to move heaven and earth. They were too relaxed about ageing. They didn't hear a tick tock. Then they get to 45 perhaps and think, right, find a woman to have a child with but realistically they need to put a year or so in to finding a stable relationship with a woman who is not only young enough to have a child this instant but who will still be young enough in a few years because you can't have a child with somebody you just met (although of course you can). It's just harder for these men than they thought it would be and I feel sorry for some of them. It's not hard to understand why there are so many 50+ year old men on the internet who put 'open to having children'
The men who already have them mostly put that they don't want more.

That's unkind. Perhaps things just didn't work out for them. Men can be LT single through sheer bad luck just like women.

I married a man ten years older and have dated up to 30 years older, so no judgment from me on age gap relationships.

But if a man had reached 50 and never made an effort or commitment to anyone with regard to having children, I'd be very dubious as to his motives for suddenly wanting them now. Seems likely he'd be one of those "pass on my genes, my bloodline" knobheads rather than a true family man. I'd be even more dubious about his energy levels and concerned I'd end up burning myself out.

Toad yes i feel sorry for some. Women are warned not to leave it too late but there are no advisory messages given to men. By society, grandmothers, the media... but they can miss the boat too. My comment was an observation

That too sheba. I dat3d an avoidant man and he talk3d about wanting a child. You cant be 'avoidant' as a parent!! When you feel crowded by your child's chatter you cant flee for a week. You have got to make your child feel their endless chatter is fascinating. Well, plenty of parents are avoidant to their dc as well, blowing hot and cold with their own dc but but it causes damage.

I'm sorry but I really do not believe that men want to date much younger women ( say a 50 year old looking to date a 25 year old ) simply because they have left it too late to start a family.

They want to date them because they see the Donald trumps and des oconnors of this world who are with much younger women.
What they don't understand is that they are not your average man.

Being a billionaire kind of adds to ones attractiveness somewhat.

I think the wanting a child is just to pacify the woman in most cases.

and 50 is too old to leave it to have a child.

Unless you are thick you know that.

A woman is far better mating with a younger man - they produce healthier sperm- fact.

Now I don't have any issue what so ever with older parents, but leaving it until you are old is stupid.
That's also nothing wrong in remaining childless.

The thick comment was in regard to a previous poster stating thAt men aren't advised to start a family before it gets too late.

That's ridiculous.

They have a brain don't they?

Isn't it blindingly obvious.

Well I guess that makes me stupid then! It wasn't my intention to leave it this late in life (40) or to fall in love with someone older than me (54) to TTC a very much wanted child on both our parts. Life does not go according to plan (thank you dire exP) for many people.