40something men - what happens to them??!!

[lorna111]

Just this, really! I'm coming at this from the angle of online dating to be fair, but I've been doing OLD for about a year now, on and off, and I have to say the whole experience has been utterly depressing. In my age group (45) the choice is dismal, a reduced pool anyway to start with I suppose, but I live in a reasonably big city, so you'd think there'd be a few options! Usual stuff, I get chased by the 60 year olds with grown up kids (I have a 5 year old so would prefer to meet younger!) or the 55year olds who've never been married or had kids (not for me), but absolutely no decent mid forties men. The ones I've come across are either married 😦 including a colleague at work who was basically up for an affair (I turned him down and now it's all v awkward), or flakey or just odd, or just tediously dull. I don't know, I know quite a few single mums and childfree women in their forties and i think we're all pretty cool really, decent jobs, nice, make an effort with appearance etc. So why is it so bloody difficult to meet an equivalent male?? I am feeling seriously jaded.

Not sure what I'm asking really but need to rationalise the lack of options rather than thinking it's down to me! Why so few?! Am thinking things might improve at 50, as long as I go for a 70 yr old!

It would be easy to find a partner if you accepted the male agenda, ie, went for a man more than say 8 years older. Each to their own of course but i wouldnt want that. It sounds lik3 selling oneself very short.

Somebody posted a list of no nos up thread and it makes sense to me having wasted time on men who just want to date and nothing serious blah blah

Nobody youngér
Nobody without kids especially
Nobody a bit older without kids if they had open to having children on their profile.
NOBODY looking to date
Nobody recently separated.

Small, I still don't really get it but I met those two older guys in real life and we didn't really have an agenda. We had our preferences, sure.

I completely fail to see how dating someone who happens to be older is a self esteem thing. Of course with no plans for permanent set ups I didn't have to think about what happened as we aged, but if I had, one major advantage would be that they were less likely to get broody.

I did have one LTR with a bloke my own age. It's not like I ruled it out.

This thread is...interesting.

Btw OP I do get that you want your age group, I don't think that's ageist. People have preferences, such is life.

I'm 36 and met my BF who is 37 and he said he did not want a younger woman and then more children. Like me he was specifically looking for someone who did not want any more children. I don't think all men want a 2nd family if already divorced.

wherearemymarbles. On the contrary love. Have some good friends in their 70's of both sexes. I don't have any conceptual inhibitions age.

Noego- your username is certainly a contradiction in terms.
Anyway I notice you didnt answer my question -are these sexual relationships you are having with friends on their 70's or is that reserved only for 40 something's??

To be far when I was old I met up with a few men and they did tell me some horror stories.
They ranged from women who looked nothing at all like their profile picture.
A Woman who brought a friend along on the date and they both expected the man to pay for all their drinks.

I also had to explain to a date that he really should lie about his she ( he had knocked 4 years off his real age) it didn't bother me per day as he was still younger than me. However when he said he did it to attract younger women as well I told him he shouldn't lie.
Women like who they like and gave a right to honesty

I had a few dates with him but as he had also lied about his height ( yes maybe I'm shallow) I decided it was too much lying and didn't see him again.

noEgo Calling women who merely ask you if your lack of preconceptions wrt age in a romantic/sexual relationship goes both ways "love" shows that you dont have a v high regard for women.

Shouldn't lie about his age - not she.

wherearemymarbles. Sigh!!

No worries lorelei! You will find it easier to meet somebody if you can be attracted to older men. I wish i could be blind to the age gap that men feel entitled to.

I think most people have an ideal of what kind of person they think they want to meet. In reality, most of us fall for someone really quite different in many ways. The trouble with OLD is that people will often stick to their narrow criteria rather than accept that there is more to a successful relationship than ticking boxes.
When I did it last I dated all sorts, on purpose, with no expectations and no hope (at all!) that anyone would be "the one." I just saw it as an opportunity to have a night out, meet new people, have a laugh, possibly some sex.
When my current man turned up, and was dead keen, I was slightly annoyed at first because it wasn't part of the plan! If I had gone by my checklists of yesteryear (when I still had hope) he wouldn't have ticked all my boxes at all, but it seems to have worked out. (famous last words..)

some men feel entitled to an age gap, to date women far younger than themselves. Some young men go for older women.

Women generally (although not always) specify a preference for a man to be the same age or older than they are. Often women will say up to 20 years older.

And those are the ones who feel entitled to have the man pay for everything - drinks, meal, etc - and wouldn't think of going dutch.

It works both ways. Men usually go for younger women because they see them as more attractive, and because they can impress them with wealth. Some women go for those men because they want to be impressed.

Some are just deluding themselves.

I met DH OLD and he is 2 years older than me. We are late thirties.
I will say that it is not only men that want younger women.
My sister is in her 40s and (this drives me crazy, the way she says this) would only date guys late 20s/early 30s because "she doesnt want an old one"
Well then she has terrible relationships where the guys never stick around and I find them so childish.
So my DH is probably old and boring for her but then she is upset that she "wont have children like other people" Oh well

Since the break up of my long term relationship, about 5 years ago, I have been involved with three men.
One was about 6 years younger, never married, no kids. Met in RL.
One was a few years older, divorced, two kids. Met OD.
Present one, same age as me, never married, no kids. Met in RL.

I mainly get chatted up by men in a similar age bracket. I prefer RL.

The single fortysomething men I know have 2 or 3 children under ten, and are looking for women who understand that they can't be spontaneous with weekend social plans/holidays, and who understand that they don't want more children. Age doesn't really come into play for them - they're looking for a similar lifestyle/outlook. One of them absolutely won't date a childless woman, irrespective of her age.

My 38yo male colleague is online dating but only goes for women under 35ish because he really wants kids one day. I understand that. His most recent date was with a 30 year old who also aims to settle down and start a family, and it went well.

You always get the idiots who want a trophy girlfriend, but they're best avoided anyway.

That's the 'type' I thought /hoped I'd be meeting, Diagetic... a forty something with kids under 10 who's looking for someone roughly in their age bracket, who 'gets' the kids thing and all of the life stuff that comes with it, and who doesn't want another child of their own. To me that sort of thinking seems kind of normal - but sadly it seems to be in short supply.

The age thing does seem hugely loaded. In my experience so far, most of the men I've met i.e: 80% have lied about their age (and height, but that's another issue). One so-called 50 year old I met was in his early sixties, which was s bit of a stretch, and bizarre, did he think I wouldn't notice??

Rhino skin and a very dark sense of humour gets you through the worst of OLD but as someone who was married for 20 years (to someone 6 months younger than me 😄), it's all a bit baffling and hard.

I'm 51 and met a bloke on POF who is the same age as me. He is a lovely chap. Before him on Old I dated a man who was two years older and another who was a couple of months older than me. There will always be blokes who want younger women but not all are like that.

www.google.co.uk/search?q=handsome+men+in+their+60's+70's&rlz=1T4GGNI_enGB650GB650&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjf14qr1snQAhUgM8AKHf3BDYQQsAQIIw&biw=1242&bih=535

Lovely for the ladies in their 60s and 70s

Helloother yes, tbh, anybody I've had any sort of relationship with has been near to my age within 3 years either way, so I can't complain, men my age who will date me are out there!

it's not like men get the younger women they "ideally" want to quote TheNaze73.

Small, I was never looking, these were just gorgeous guys I met and they happened to be older than I was. I'm getting subtext that you think an older guy can't be attractive?

Which is fine if you're prepared to swap to a younger model yourself later but when they have cheese grater abs, I def don't notice their age

Well, when I was 25 I would have been attracted to older men, 10 years (?) but not now. I'm hardly attracted to men my own age as they seem to age so badly compared with women. I have five guys messaging me atm and I'm fine with the age range actually. Ranging from 2 years older than me to one, 7 years older than me, that's off-putting but I'll give him a chance if his personality is ok and we click. But you know how it is chatting to people, it rarely gets lift off. Rarely gets to a date! I've been on four dates recently and three out of the four wanted to see me again but I knew I couldn't feel that way about them. They were all only 2 -4 years older. So it's not time for me to give up and go for men a decade plus older! I suppose I'd just say that the subtext for me is the same as the subtext for men. After all If it's so easy to be attracted to people who are older, why can't men even be attracted to people their OWN age!? Because I notice ageing.

In my experience 40-something men are commitment-phobic and have mummy issues. And men in their 50s are incapable of being faithful.

Just sharing my perspective addicted to love. Apologies if my happiness irritates you.