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Original poster

40something men - what happens to them??!!

198 replies

lorna111 · 27/11/2016 10:11

Just this, really! I'm coming at this from the angle of online dating to be fair, but I've been doing OLD for about a year now, on and off, and I have to say the whole experience has been utterly depressing. In my age group (45) the choice is dismal, a reduced pool anyway to start with I suppose, but I live in a reasonably big city, so you'd think there'd be a few options! Usual stuff, I get chased by the 60 year olds with grown up kids (I have a 5 year old so would prefer to meet younger!) or the 55year olds who've never been married or had kids (not for me), but absolutely no decent mid forties men. The ones I've come across are either married 😦 including a colleague at work who was basically up for an affair (I turned him down and now it's all v awkward), or flakey or just odd, or just tediously dull. I don't know, I know quite a few single mums and childfree women in their forties and i think we're all pretty cool really, decent jobs, nice, make an effort with appearance etc. So why is it so bloody difficult to meet an equivalent male?? I am feeling seriously jaded.

Not sure what I'm asking really but need to rationalise the lack of options rather than thinking it's down to me! Why so few?! Am thinking things might improve at 50, as long as I go for a 70 yr old!

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 28/11/2016 16:02

I find it interesting that people think there's a different pool of people at different points in time. Everyone pairs up at 18, leaving only the 'wonky vegetables' of the dating world.
The reality is that relationships constantly form, break, and new ones made at every stage and age of life. You are as likely to meet someone lovely at 40, or 60 as at 20.

But to answer the OP's question regarding what happens to 40 something men - they grow hair where none belongs! Ears, nostrils, enthusiastic eyebrows.... Grin

CockacidalManiac · 28/11/2016 17:23

The reality is that relationships constantly form, break, and new ones made at every stage and age of life. You are as likely to meet someone lovely at 40, or 60 as at 20.

True dat

HotNatured · 28/11/2016 17:30

I'm 42, childfree, have dated a lot in the past few years, all of them older or a few years younger, all of them attractive, successful, all had kids didn't want more, all of them didn't want to date much younger women mainly because they were v confident in themselves and didn't feel the need to prove to themselves and their mates that they could date a much younger woman. Also not all younger women have amazing bodies, some women in their 40s are way more attractive than some women in their 20s! In real life it doesn't matter so much if you're attractive to the opposite sex age doesn't really come into it. It's more glaring on OD as the age is right there under the photo.

SteppingOnToes · 28/11/2016 23:15

The reality is that relationships constantly form, break, and new ones made at every stage and age of life. You are as likely to meet someone lovely at 40, or 60 as at 20.

Maybe, but as you get older they come with baggage - be it emotional baggage, monetary or kids with someone else (or all 3).

TheStoic · 29/11/2016 07:38

Maybe, but as you get older they come with baggage - be it emotional baggage, monetary or kids with someone else (or all 3

And so do women, presumably.

It's about finding someone with a complementary set of baggage to your own.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 29/11/2016 08:26

Yy to the early 20s men online! It's the same in rl. 38 year old men....meh,, not really interested in me. 23 year olds on the other hand..
A couple of years ago I might have gone early 20s, but now I wouldn't know whether to shag them.or make them a packed lunch.Grin

YvaineStormhold · 29/11/2016 08:34

Haven't RTFT, but there are some pretty ageist comments on here.

'Ewwww' is a fair response to finding out a man chews his toenails and drinks his own piss. Not that he is sixty Hmm

AddictedtoLove · 29/11/2016 08:54

In my opinion, there's something a bit stunted in the personality of a man or woman who wants to date someone much younger than them

Yes, this.

And as for those asking what's wrong with men "preferring" to date women 20 to 30 years younger than them? Well, it's not a level playing field is it? We live in a society which lauds older wealthy powerful men, but older wealthy powerful women are witches, bitches, old bags, menopausal (as an insult not a description) and so on.

And we live in a society with a historical practice of young nubile women being married off to older men as a kind of "prize" - (Charles & Diana, anyone?) it's not about the woman's desires, but about showing off the man's power.

It's a remnant of a sexist patriarchal world which I'd have thought we'd all want to be rid of.

YvaineStormhold · 29/11/2016 08:57

DP very much wanted to 'date' me.

He also wanted to 'date' his ex-wife.

She was seven years older, I'm fifteen years younger.

Nowt stunted about him, thanks. Not every man suits your theory.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 29/11/2016 09:17

Yeah Yvaine, but when he dated his ex wife he was probably about 25, 28? Many 25 year olds are hot for early 30s women. But when they get to 45..they often still want women the same age! ( see Rod Stewart)

And what addicted said ^^
I don't think 60 year olds are eeew. I work with one I quite fancy! But I in general being with someone around my own age is a more equitable arrangment.

TheStoic · 29/11/2016 09:21

I must admit that I've never been interested in men my own age. And I barely even notice younger men exist.

I've always only dated older men. I guess society's dating status quo definitely suits me.

YvaineStormhold · 29/11/2016 09:22

Ifnotnow

Nope, he wasn't actually.

OFFFS · 29/11/2016 11:18

I cast aside my age prejudices when I did OLD. Met a wonderful man who happens to be older than me.

I don't honestly think I would be attracted to a man the same age as me or younger again now I've met him.

Give me Larry Lamb over Martin HUTH any day.

singleandfabulous · 29/11/2016 17:02

I tend to date younger men. I've occassionally been with some my own age and a couple who were older. I got on fine with all of them to be fair.

I think it's more about the person really and where you're both at in life stages.

I find both older and younger men attractive if they keep themselves in shape.

I also know a couple of fit 55 year olds and a very healthy, attractive, fit, active rich 60 year old.

noego · 29/11/2016 17:13

I remember my niece then 18 saying to me at my 60th "I used to think 60 was old, but your not old at all". Bless her.

Justaboy · 29/11/2016 18:20

LovesPeace 20's 30's 50'5 as and when. You have a point here maybe its not till death us do part anymore but the way the divorce courts decide?.

Seems the average marriage is now 11.4 years

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce/datasets/divorcesinenglandandwalesageatmarriagedurationofmarriageandcohortanalyses

ClopySow · 29/11/2016 18:43

Chews his toenails and drinks his own piss? Where do i sign?

SteppingOnToes · 29/11/2016 19:23

TheStoic
Maybe, but as you get older they come with baggage - be it emotional baggage, monetary or kids with someone else (or all 3

And so do women, presumably.

Actually I come with none - never married (through choice), no children, decent job, financially solvent, reasonable looks and figure (though only 5ft1), emotionally stable too. Finding someone complementary to my own situation now i am the wrong side of 30 is near impossible

TheStoic · 29/11/2016 23:12

Actually I come with none - never married (through choice), no children, decent job, financially solvent, reasonable looks and figure (though only 5ft1), emotionally stable too.

Baggage does not just come in the form of children or ex husbands/wives. We all have baggage. The fact that you think you don't have any is very telling.

CockacidalManiac · 29/11/2016 23:13

TheStoic

Exactly.

SteppingOnToes · 29/11/2016 23:23

Baggage does not just come in the form of children or ex husbands/wives. We all have baggage. The fact that you think you don't have any is very telling.

Please don't put words in my mouth - it is quite clear from my post that I said more than that.

Why is it so hard to believe that I don't have any financial, physical or emotional baggage? Normal people without baggage do exist...

TheStoic · 30/11/2016 05:51

Of course you have emotional baggage. You're human, like everyone else. We've all been gathering that since the day we were born.

SteppingOnToes · 30/11/2016 06:40

Of course you have emotional baggage. You're human, like everyone else. We've all been gathering that since the day we were born.

Is it really hard to believe that someone is well adjusted enough to let go of the past? Please don't judge me by your own standards

noego · 30/11/2016 08:00

I agree with you SOT. You can be a well adjusted being without any baggage. It is also possible for all of us to be well adjusted. My dear P's are all well adjusted and have no baggage, that's why we all get on so well.
The key to this being well adjusted is to find your True Self. This can be done thru meditation and with a good spiritual guide, mentor, teacher, therapist, who teaches advaita Vedanta (non-duality)

TheStoic · 30/11/2016 08:23

Is it really hard to believe that someone is well adjusted enough to let go of the past?

No, but that's not really what baggage is. You collect it with every relationship you have, starting with your parents.

Are you saying you're a completely blank slate? That you haven't been affected or changed by anything that's ever happened to you?