40something men - what happens to them??!!

[lorna111]

Just this, really! I'm coming at this from the angle of online dating to be fair, but I've been doing OLD for about a year now, on and off, and I have to say the whole experience has been utterly depressing. In my age group (45) the choice is dismal, a reduced pool anyway to start with I suppose, but I live in a reasonably big city, so you'd think there'd be a few options! Usual stuff, I get chased by the 60 year olds with grown up kids (I have a 5 year old so would prefer to meet younger!) or the 55year olds who've never been married or had kids (not for me), but absolutely no decent mid forties men. The ones I've come across are either married 😦 including a colleague at work who was basically up for an affair (I turned him down and now it's all v awkward), or flakey or just odd, or just tediously dull. I don't know, I know quite a few single mums and childfree women in their forties and i think we're all pretty cool really, decent jobs, nice, make an effort with appearance etc. So why is it so bloody difficult to meet an equivalent male?? I am feeling seriously jaded.

Not sure what I'm asking really but need to rationalise the lack of options rather than thinking it's down to me! Why so few?! Am thinking things might improve at 50, as long as I go for a 70 yr old!

women aren't thick either though.
They receive lots of warnings. From GPs, magazine articles, newspaper articles blame women for leaving it too late, the falling birth rate is women's fault, they ''leave it too late'' and yet men are never held accountable for falling birth rates.

So being ''thick'' or not thick is neither here nor there. We all know the biological facts but reality is a bigger 'fact'.

And yes, most intelligent men realise that what applies to Tom Cruise does not apply to them!

I said nothing about men or women being ''thick''. I'm not trying to start a row. I see it as a social issue which gets little attention. It's not the most pressing social issue though so no surprise.

City the thing is there is a huge difference in falling in Love with someone and both of you wanting a child together and a 50 year old man advertising for a woman half his age. Some people are quick to justify this stating that it is a biological ' fact' that men of that age want a woman half their age because it's some kind of deep rooted almost god like truth. That the man obviously desires a child and can't possibly reproduce with anyone similar in age to him.
Yet the same people are up in arms when biological facts about men's declining fertility are stated.
It's mysoginistic pure and simple.

It's ok slagging older women off but god forbid anyone should do the sane to older men.

My DP actually prefered women who are older - his exW is 5 years older than him so it seems wrong to make such generalised statements about either gender.

I don't think it's fair to make generalisations like that either. That's like someone saying all childless women in their late 30s are desperate to have a baby. Some are, some aren't. Some women get to their 40s or even 50s before they really start wanting one, or have just never met the right person, or life hasn't worked out that way, or in fact they never want them.

I'm not generalising myself. 18 months of internet dating has demonstrated to me that a lot of the single men age 50 ish have not had a child and have not yet given up on the idea.

Boolovesully exactly! in a nutshell! There is a conspiracy to protect men's sensitivities and men's dignity at all times!

I think there is a massive difference between women and men wanting a child. Men have way less investment in producing a child - they can carry on life exactly as it was. Pregnancy ,childbirth and in the life of the child they can put as much or little in as they see fit.Women have to make much bigger choices about careers, partners the future etc as it directly involves them and their bodies
I would question why a man left it till they were 45 plus to have a child if they wanted one.

Also I wouldn't believe them now. There was a 12 year age gap between me and ExP. He often said he'd love a baby and was a great dad and step dad to our exsisting family. And then I got pregnant and the reality of him working less to help with a new baby, the drain on his income etc etc hit home. Didn't end well.

Yes. I used to date a man with no children and he said the most baffling things at times, such as "you're as free as you want to be". What? I'm as free as a single parent to two young children, that's precisely and exactly how free I am. he said he wanted a child as well!

It's hard in the dating pool....
Any recommendations for online sites although I do think it's the luck of the draw at times.
Anyone had success with The Telegraph dating site? Pof and Ok Cupid I've given up on.

Met my partner when we were both 48. He has no children. He had been through the hell of IVF with a long term partner, she had fertility problems, they weren't successful. They then went through the adoption process, were accepted as suitable parents. The stress of all this contributed to the eventual breakdown of their relationship. He was approaching 40, he decided for him, the time had passed.
He never went onto actively seek younger women. He prefers woman of a similar age.

A man aged fifty or even sixty remains biologically capable of fathering a child, albeit at a reduced level - assuming he can find a woman willing to become pregnant by him. The same is not true the other way round.

Men simply don't need to think about this stuff in their twenties and thirties. That's a matter of biology, not misogyny, although I have no doubt that in the past men marrying younger women was functionally misogynistic.

It is biology yes, but reality does not provide a single fertile woman for every man in his 40s or 50s does it!?

suburb yes it actually does. At least for those men in their 40s and 50s who don't have children yet. The majority do, and those that do and get divorced generally don't say they want more.

Some women in their 20s and 30s want a man who can provide for and support them. And some just want to be wined and dined by a man who can be their sugar daddy, there are still a significant number of women who want this. So yes, there are still plenty of women who will date older men. Some may want to have children with them.

Just because it's not your choice in life, doesn't mean it doesn't happen

I think you're mistaken there! The vast majority of men who get to 50 and put up ''open to having children'' on their profile are not going to be successful. Some will but the majority will not. You're a male poster if I remember rightly (?) and I'm talking about internet dating here. I get messages from the men who would in a perfect world like children. Their profile says so. And yet they're messaging me and I'm 45. So that says how successful they are with fertile women.

I really don't mean to offend anybody and I'm surprised that people are bothering to argue because in the same way that women rarely have children after 42 or 43, men of 50 who want a child would be unusually fortunate to have that happen. It's not impossible, it's far from ''impossible'' but they have probably missed that boat. Men can miss the boat too. If you doubt that, go on a dating website and search for the men!

Now good night.

ps, and how could it be my life choice! I have kids! i'm neither male nor 50 lol

SmallTownTwirl, having baggage means that you have a history. Which anyone who has lived on this planet for any time has.

A 29 year old man with no dc is not going to grow old with a woman 14 years older.

Well, you may think you don't have any baggage, but you do have prejudices.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Taylor-Johnson#Marriages_and_children

An exception, and good for her that she doesnt care what society thinks! But if a woman wants to sway the odds towards a long lasting successful relationship, then a much younger man is probably not the ideal choice.

Of course it's something to bear in mind. But individuals are not statistics.

Hurrah to Distance! Everyone is different, we do not all follow the same life path and these days lives seem to be far from the traditional norm. We could, however, quote back loads of stats which negate all this negative talk...

negative talk......... what?

Just making the point that men can also miss the boat becoming fathers. I know a few men that this has happened to.

I'm kind of shocked that this ''message'' is so taboo.

But I don't think it is a taboo. It's probably more accurate to say that society has a bit of a giggle at men over a certain age wanting to date women under a certain age - unless they've got a lot going for them (such as money) it can look a bit naff. But the truth remains that if a man of, say, 40 or even 50 gets together with a woman of 25, they have every chance of having children. It does happen. I used to know a couple who had a child - father was nearly 60, mother in her mid 30s. Sadly I do not believe the relationship lasted.

Also it crosses my mind that 40+ men on OD may be "open to having children" as the odds are somewhat against them..