40something men - what happens to them??!!

[lorna111]

Just this, really! I'm coming at this from the angle of online dating to be fair, but I've been doing OLD for about a year now, on and off, and I have to say the whole experience has been utterly depressing. In my age group (45) the choice is dismal, a reduced pool anyway to start with I suppose, but I live in a reasonably big city, so you'd think there'd be a few options! Usual stuff, I get chased by the 60 year olds with grown up kids (I have a 5 year old so would prefer to meet younger!) or the 55year olds who've never been married or had kids (not for me), but absolutely no decent mid forties men. The ones I've come across are either married 😦 including a colleague at work who was basically up for an affair (I turned him down and now it's all v awkward), or flakey or just odd, or just tediously dull. I don't know, I know quite a few single mums and childfree women in their forties and i think we're all pretty cool really, decent jobs, nice, make an effort with appearance etc. So why is it so bloody difficult to meet an equivalent male?? I am feeling seriously jaded.

Not sure what I'm asking really but need to rationalise the lack of options rather than thinking it's down to me! Why so few?! Am thinking things might improve at 50, as long as I go for a 70 yr old!

OP I haven't dated online
But the last couple of relationships I had in my 30s, with gorgeous childfree men in their 40s, both admitted they approached me in the first instance thinking I was younger.

I don't think much about age per se but in general my experience of men under 40 was that they couldn't run their lives very efficiently, which was hugely off putting. Almost like they were looking for a financial planner/ secretary. They also seemed very clingy and wanted marriage, kids etc which I didn't. Just one experience of course.

I'm the stereotype, I'm 34 and my DP is 43 we met a year ago and are having our first baby in Jan. We've both been previously married and have kids. I didn't meet him OLD tho, met in my local pub over a game of pool lol

There is also the sex asepect. A guy I know (48) basically left his wife as he had (or at least claimed to have) been living in a largly sexless marriage for 6 years

He deliberately dated much younger women
as he felt he was far more likey to meet someone who wanted sex everyday rather than someone his own age, possibly approaching the menopause and wanting sex twice a month.

"Am thinking things might improve at 50, as long as I go for a 70 yr old!"

Lorna, your whole post stinks of ageism but for this gem, you get my first

Thanks everyone, there are some really insightful replies here. And a wide range of experience. Sorry if I've offended anyone, it was meant to be a fairly lighthearted post but raising a serious point about how/why it's hard to meet this particular age group. It's something that's on my mind a lot right now as I'd love to meet someone.

Btw, I don't think I'm trying to be ageist, simply meet someone roughly my own age! Maybe as some posters suggest, I need to be more open minded to people who don't necessarily 'fit'. That's absolutely a fair point.

Have you tried putting age restrictions on your profile?
What about you get men too?

I think men often feel the same as you do op when a woman wants a tall, good earning, childless man for example.
Think about what your priorities are and then go from there.
Don't lower your standards though.
I met dp on line and he is exactly right for me.
I wouldn't date a man who only wanted to date younger women and j wouldn't date a man who wanted to start a family at gone age oh 45 plus.
I also avoid anyone who doesn't see his kids.

Like a previous poster my dp has a great relationship with his family and I'm so lucky to have found that.
I think this is vital in moulding how someone behaves.
My dp ( his dad sadly passed away) said his dad was his best friend.
He is the first long term partner I have ever had who has had such a relationship .

Don't give up hope op.

Should say younger men too.

I agree that I wouldn't want to date someone 15 years older than me, I am told I look younger than j am and don't want to be with someone who could pass for my dad, it's just not me. So I sympathise there.
I also found when old that a lot of men were taken aback when a woman mentioned she wanted someone who looked after themselves and yet they want to be with an attractive woman.

Poor you. From a 60+ person in relationships with mid 40 year olds. Age is just a number.

How many relationships are you in noego ?

Just a few random observations FWIW.

As they say all the good men are married or gay and that bit is very interesting. I've got a few mates what I'd call good ones. Over half of them are now Gay they just do not seem interested at all in women.

My DD2 and 3 are 18 and 23 and are always complaining that they have to find older boyfriends sometimes as much as 10 years older and ones their age are real dorks or in their eyes and worse sill yep! Gay!.

From the little bit of OLD I've done around six meetings all of the women concerned still had monumental problems/ hang ups about the bastard they were married to that seems to be the only thing they wanted to talk about and some of them had been divorced around 5 years or thereabouts. Only one, sorry number 7 had been divorced for 10 years and for that time no contact with any men at all. I to this day don't know quite what she was looking for it wasn't me and I don't think he exists.

Shame really she told me that none of the men some 40 odd had replied to her and most were younger ! she was 57 and amazingly fit and attractive for her age her complaint was thta they were all 10 or more years Younger no one older had got in touch which was what she wanted her own age or older. i was it seems the only older one!.

So noego if its just a number why arnt you in a relationship with a woman in her 80's

I bet you dont go for women your own age as they, just like you will are possibly a bit wrinkly, grey and wobbly. Only your ego tells you that you are still able to cut it with the young guns.

tiej. 5

All of them are independent people. Own home, own friends, own family, own hobbies, financially independent. non monogamous, free and liberated,
One is sub, one is long distance, four of them are local. We all live independent lives and when I get together with them (individually) we meet for drinks, lunch, dinner, movies, breakfast, days out etc. Sometimes they come to my house for dinner or I will go to theirs. We are never short of conversation. I support them and they support me. Whether that is works issues or family issues. We spend a lot of time laughing. There is no pressure and no jealousy. Its adult and it is mature. No favouritism.

I understand and that's why I have stopped OLD.

I did meet a nice man who was 8 years older than me but after a 27 year marriage ended he had got a little lost in life. The end result is although he was only 8 years older in age he seemed much, much older and I just thought if he is like an old man at 53 what will it be like in another 10 years

I'm mid-thirties and my husband is mid-forties. We met via OLD. In my experience, men will always go for women at least 5 years younger than them.

Agree completely!

Men in their 30s are less jaded and bitter.
men in their forties have such entitlment.

They lie about their age not because they think it is bad for them to be 40 something, but so that women at least 8-12 years younger will consider them in their age appropriate age bracket and reply to their messages.

Ps OP you're not ageist to want a man in your own age range!!

Ive had men ten years older meassage me repeatedly. It is so awkward. There is just no way. What can they be thinking!!?

I met my DH online, he's 2 years older than me and didn't want a much younger gf. He's lovely in every way. We're both in our forties, so it does happen.

So true sensai !

I disagree about all men wanting a younger woman.
I have several good friends whose dh/dp are younger than them.
The one thing in common they all share us that non of the men had children.
Whether that is a conscious decision by the women not to date men with dc I don't know.
What I do know is that all the exs have turned out to be bad fathers and the new man not having dc is a benefit in their eyes.

I'm in my late forties, in a relationship with a woman a couple of years older than me.
You just have to keep looking, dispiriting as it is. And I'm sure there's plenty of weird men in their 40s on dating sites; believe me, there's plenty of weird women in their 40s too.

I think this is a really interesting post. By and large (but not all) mid 40's men, would ideally be with someone younger.

And I've heard anecdotally about the weirdo's of both sexes on OLD. You have my full sympathy

The men in their late 30s and 40s I dated were actually respectful and interesting. DP is wonderful and have changed my life.

Well, that's nice for you FrowningGlory but tbh, you sound rather smug & a wee bit deluded - as well as your post being rather tactless in this thread.

Your DP might be wonderful, but looked at from another point of view, it looks like he couldn't cope with a woman his own age, so had to hook up with someone twenty years younger. There's something wrong with people who can only cope with a partner of a generation younger than them.

Thenaze, ideally for the men though!
Who are all these wom3n who'll go out with older men!!

Im no beauty but im sl8m healthy dont smoke etc. Spf15 everyday. Yoga etc. Love clothes.

So why would i go for an 9lder man?
Personally i see it as a low self esteem thing!

Small - low self esteem? Now I'm really confused
I just remembered - I forget this because I don't really notice - one of my closest friends is married to a man twelve years younger. She is quite shy about it, dunno why.

On reflection op maybe you are just not meeting anyone you like, I guess online is a bit of a lottery but I can only guess as I don't know. Sounds like a massively different dynamic than meeting someone IRL though. I can imagine that rather than thinking you just haven't clicked, you start to look at reasons why when sometimes there's no reason in particular.

How the fuck is the op being ageist saying she wants a man her own age rather than 20 years older? Fgs