40something men - what happens to them??!!

[lorna111]

Just this, really! I'm coming at this from the angle of online dating to be fair, but I've been doing OLD for about a year now, on and off, and I have to say the whole experience has been utterly depressing. In my age group (45) the choice is dismal, a reduced pool anyway to start with I suppose, but I live in a reasonably big city, so you'd think there'd be a few options! Usual stuff, I get chased by the 60 year olds with grown up kids (I have a 5 year old so would prefer to meet younger!) or the 55year olds who've never been married or had kids (not for me), but absolutely no decent mid forties men. The ones I've come across are either married 😦 including a colleague at work who was basically up for an affair (I turned him down and now it's all v awkward), or flakey or just odd, or just tediously dull. I don't know, I know quite a few single mums and childfree women in their forties and i think we're all pretty cool really, decent jobs, nice, make an effort with appearance etc. So why is it so bloody difficult to meet an equivalent male?? I am feeling seriously jaded.

Not sure what I'm asking really but need to rationalise the lack of options rather than thinking it's down to me! Why so few?! Am thinking things might improve at 50, as long as I go for a 70 yr old!

Baggage? Isn't that life experience that shapes who you are? Our history, written by the decisions we make or imposed on us by others? Or is it our kids, don't some people call them baggage? Or our ex-partners who have to be in our lives because of kids?

Unless you live in a cave and have no interaction you are going to bring things, good and bad, into a relationship. You can't avoid it. This whole focus on 'baggage' is just bollocks.

And who the fuck has time to find 'your true self'? What utter bullshit. It's this thing called life, and it's full and busy to the point we're lucky to get the bins down the path on time. Let alone meditate and find someone for spiritual guidance.

The key to this being well adjusted is to find your True Self. This can be done thru meditation and with a good spiritual guide, mentor, teacher, therapist, who teaches advaita Vedanta (non-duality)

I've managed to find myself without ever having heard of advaita Vedanta non duality.

I've let go of my past.

It is because it is like it happened to a different person. The person I am now has better boundaries, more self-awareness, more focus on myself and less on meeting others' expectations. That together with time passing and experience showing me that I can live and learn and recover........ I think the bad things that happened to 'me' almost did happen to another person.

OFFS. The anger you express is obscuring your True Self.

STT. What you are describing is an awakening. It is like you awakened from a dream. When you look back it seems like it was all an illusion.

My true self is not angry, but she can express herself however so she wishes, and if she wishes to use her vibrant energy to tell you to fuck off she most certainly will.

I prefer to think of it as a wound than baggage. Everybody is drawn to a familiar dynamic and those of us drawn to a healthy, loving relationship from the age of 19 on wards are very lucky. men who were ambivalent about me triggered something in me, a familiarity that I mistook for attraction.

Now, in my 40s with two kids, I think i have less baggage than I did when I was in my 20s with no dc.

In fact, the most baggage I ever had was in my late 20s when I met abusive x. I'd been made redundant, sacked, ignored, passed over, relocated, dumped, dumped, dumped.......... Then I met my abusive x.

That was rock bottom though, thank GOD..

noego
Have you swallowed the Little Book Of Calm? Because you certainly sound like it, like Manny in Black Books.

Have you swallowed the Little Book Of Calm? Because you certainly sound like it, like Manny in Black Books.

Why is being calm and happy a bad thing? Why do people insist on dragging people down who are happy? Misery loves company?

SteppingOnToes

Careful, your non-existent baggage is showing.

Actually I come with none - never married (through choice), no children, decent job, financially solvent, reasonable looks and figure (though only 5ft1), emotionally stable too. Finding someone complementary to my own situation now i am the wrong side of 30 is near impossible

Baggage does not just come in the form of children or ex husbands/wives. We all have baggage. The fact that you think you don't have any is very telling.

Please don't put words in my mouth - it is quite clear from my post that I said more than that.

You did say more than that, but you did also say you don't have any baggage. As PP says baggage isn't just your children/ex husbands it's also in the eyes of a new partner ANY significant previous relationships/life traumas/family traumas or upheavals you've been through could be considered baggage. it's not just your opinion about whether you have baggage or not, it's also about whether a potential partner considers any of your previous experience to be baggage which is determined by them not you. The other unfair thing in all of this is that if you get to your late 30s/early 40s and claim to have no baggage is that most potential partners will assume there's something wrong with you for you not to have any baggage/significant exes (which=baggage to a lot of men), so unfortunately we can't win.

If my DP thought significant parts of my life in terms of baggage, he wouldn't be my DP. Thankfully he sees the whole person and doesn't think about me in those terms.

It's just a get out isn't it? For when someone can't truly be arsed.

*If my DP thought significant parts of my life in terms of baggage, he wouldn't be my DP. Thankfully he sees the whole person and doesn't think about me in those terms.

It's just a get out isn't it? For when someone can't truly be arsed.*

Not everyone wants to take on someone elses debt/children/emotional problems. I certainly haven't until until now. I have met a wonderful man with two children and the only reason I have changed my tune with him is he isn't an absentee father - I've always looked at it that if they have walked out on one family they have form and not worth bothering with...

Out of interest, has anyone spent much time looking at the 40+ women on OLD sites? Because my god, there are some horrific examples.

Some women keep themselves in shape, seem interesting, attractive and normal.

Some of them however look like they're 60, faces like mick Jagger on a bad day. Misspelled tattoos. Selfies of them doing the duck face pout in front of their toilet, and profiles listing all the things they hate in a man.

And some of them look interesting and attractive, like I said. Not many, but some. I've always assumed all the intelligent, normal and good looking ones were all attached.

It works both ways.

No stepping but then the 'baggage' is of no significance if you aren't emotionally engaging. It's the terminology - I'd call it my history and it's made me who I am. It's not something which I can pick up and put down.

Interesting , i can add I men there who were commitment phobic but happy to use my home faculties !

Sorry that wasn't written right ( predictive grrr)

I met men there ( online dating mid forties )

Bant Yes, I'm currently lurking on a couple of sites at the moment and must admit to checking out the competition. Some 40 plus women look stunning and seem really well rounded and accomplished individuals which is both nice to see and a bit of a worry if that's what the rest of us are up against. I saw one 40 plus woman who looked like a supermodel, had her own business, owned a stud (of the equine type!) and was a published author. How the hell I compete with that I don't know.

Like you say there's a broad range of women, just as there's a similar range of men and it's true that not all the good ones are taken; they're just choosy and can afford to be so.

The baggage comments are interesting.

I'm single (never married), no children, great career, financially comfortable, decent looking, fit, friendly, kind etc. but I wouldn't say I don't have baggage because clearly, I've had a lot of relationships and never found someone who I thought I could happily settle down with. That has been seen by others as committment phobic and 'too independent.' I don't think so but they may be right. I'd rather be lonely than with someone for the sake of company.

I think the key is, what type of baggage is acceptable to you.

I guess the 'supermodel' could leave some men feeling intimated by her success? But she would be considered to have 'achievements' rather than 'baggage', even though those 'achievements' could be the very thing holding back possible partners.

It's nothing more than perception and the spin we put on it.

I've just come off a couple of OLD sites. 41 years old. Only ever attracted men in their 20's or 50's and 60's.

My boyfriend is 11 years younger than me, and I am not 'emotionally stunted' thank you very much! 😠 What a narrow minded thing to say!

We get on well, have a similar outlook on life, great sex, my kids love him. What's the issue with him being 26 and me being 37? 🙄

I'm 45 and agree with GrandDesespoir re commitment phobes men in their 40s or that they've been trapped in the past in unhappy marriages etc which they've now escaped so they only want a relationship on their own terms etc.

A good friend of mine who's 40 this month met a man who was 37 when they met on the train but they were friends and had been dating other people before but were single when they got together. He's got the 40 year old mindset re he likes his own company etc.

Very hard to meet a decent 40 something out there I've tried! And failed!

The few single mid 40's that I know are dating 25-34 year olds.

Only those men who want kids/more kids presumably.