Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

Would the gp be able to advise you about work given the circumstances or a union?

You are doing amazingly well. Staying strong for your daughter. It is an incredibly stressful situation. The problem with taking off work is then you are all alone all day with your thoughts. I have found that this is sometimes not a great idea for me.

OP how are you doing? Been following your thread and just want to say you are coping exceptionally well given the circumstances. Be kind to yourself and I really hope this is over for you real soon. Noone should have to go through anything like this.

Pretty stressed out tbh purple. Still no news from the CPS. The policeman dealing with the case is meeting the solicitor this week and hopefully will be able to get an idea which way the solicitor might go but probably will not get a definite answer quite yet. Obviously that is very much weighing me down. My DD also started talking about her Dad again a few weeks ago, which I relayed to the police officer who came round to take another statement from me. It is all just a complete nightmare and extremely upsetting.

We have just come back from a week away, which was paid for by my parents. Quite frankly it was not very nice. I've mentioned before that my parents are not very emotionally stable or available. I'm pretty convinced my Dad has some sort of personality disorder, he is extremely vacant and unengaging. When I was growing up (actually my whole life) he has just either completely ignored me i.e. not engaging and just literally not hearing or seeing me or been extrememely critical, aggressive etc. During the holiday he was very bad tempered, constantly snapping (shouting at my Mum constantly in the hire car, telling everyone to 'shut up' all the time, being totally unengaged and 'not in the room', etc). One night my DD was acting up a bit, we had had a long day, she was tired on top of everything else she is going through and she at one point directed this at my Dad. He shouted at her really loudly 'Don't you talk to me like that!'. I told him off straight away but it really annoyed and upset me. I found it quite pathetic actually, that he is a grown man who yells back at a tantrumming, tired and traumatised 5 year old. My DD said that my Dad shouts all the time and my Mum confirmed that he has also shouted at her when she has stayed at their house. My Dad was always shouting when I was growing up and that combined with the ignoring and criticising I believe contributed to my really low self esteem that I suffered from my teens etc. My Mum just shuts down whenever I raise it with her, making excuses for him or telling me things that have happened i.e. what he has done/said hasn't happened.

My Dad received quite a large inheritance a couple of years ago following the death of my grandparents. He bought a flat outright and offered to rent it to me. I have been waiting for 4 months now for my housing benefit to come through and it still has not been processed. I've rung them repeatedly and they keep saying that it should be done soon. Anyhow, I have not been able to pay so far this month (it was due less than a week ago) but my Dad is losing his shit over it, piling in huge pressure for me to pay it. My Mum rang this morning and said that she will put over half in my bank account today so I can pay it, I can imagine that it is because my Dad is going nuts. I appreciate that yes it is his flat and I am liable to pay rent but I just think he could have a bit more empathy for my situation. He knows I'm on a low wage, that I can only pay with the help of housing benefit, that this has not been processed and I really resent the manner in which he is chasing this up bearing in mind he is fully aware of this terrible stress I'm under at the moment with my DD's case. I really resent that he would pile on this additional pressure at this time. My parents are financially very well off, own 2 properties with no mortgage and will not go without if my rent is a few weeks late (I'm hoping my housing benefit will be paid very soon) unlike me if I had to pay now, me and DD would literally be without food until I get paid.

Sorry for the massive rant, but I just feel so stressed out at the moment.

I should mention that I have been able to pay my rent on time but it has been a big financial burden for me. I've not been able to pay yet this month because I had to pay some other urgent bills.

The police have confirmed that the CPS have decided not to prosecute because there is not enough evidence. At the end of the day it was JUST what my 5 year old DD said and also what she had told me, my Mum and her teaching assistant. Feel waves of numbness, anxiety, fear and rage. Still have the right to appeal the decision, which I think I will do,

Oh blue. I can't find the words but offering a hand hold and a brew

Oh blue, I'm so sorry. I know how tough it is when this happens. You've told the truth, done the right thing and still he seems to get away with it. But YOU know what happened, your DD knows what happened and her abuser knows too. For me, it felt like I was falling into an abyss and everyone was laughing watching me fall.
Justice may take years to come, but it will come. In the meantime, life goes on, dishes need washing, bills need paying and your DD will grow up. You're an amazing mum, she's seen you fight hard for her, but now the fight is to have as 'normal' a life as you can. You've already fought the worst kind of battle and you came through it, maybes a little rough around the edges but you made it through together.
Take what support is offered you, there are some fabulous organisations that will help you and your DD, you're not alone I promise. Nothing will ever 'fix' what you've been through, but there will come a day when all this won't be the first thing you think of and you'll realise that it's been a few days since it was. Then it'll be weeks, months and years.

Remember though, be KIND to yourself and keep posting if it helps you in anyway.

I'm so sorry to hear this news. You must be devastated. You have protected your child from the start. You have told the truth. Sorry to hear about your shitty father too. I would take take off work - it's understandable your irritable and on a short fuse. You need to protect you and taking time off would be one way of doing that. I hope you have some friends who are able to support you. Try and be kind to yourself blue. I will be thinking about you and your daughter. 💐💐

Sorry to hear this.

Not surprised that CPS didn't feel there was enough to continue though. 'Conclusive Evidence' , proof is very hard in such a case.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. How devastating for you. It is a very high standard of proof in the criminal courts. If he tries to seek contact with your child now let him take it to the family court. They will look into these facts again. They might have a fact finding hearing about it and they can make findings of fact against him which would form the basis of any investigation as to whether contact should happen. The standard of proof is lower

So, so sorry op. Your DD has an amazing Mum and I truly believe you will come through this together

This is the arena I work in and it's so very very sad. Especially for the child who has been SO brave in talking. Please please reassure your daughter forever that you and the police believe her.

I am so very sorry to read this update.

Dear OP, I wrote you a long message earlier and frustratingly lost it before posting. But I wanted to give you a little hope - I have been through similar (my 5yo disclosed to me that her father had abused her, we had just had our second child) and that time is now firmly behind us. I have also faced an abuser on court, a long protracted process (7 yrs) and again, it is firmly behind me.

I would not wish the pain of either on anyone, and yet here I am with a good life - and you can be too, with time and support.

So while I appreciate that your life must feel like a nightmare right now, please try to have faith that things can get better, much better.

I had no family support but got excellent help from my GP, mental health services and social services, and gradually built good support networks with neighbours and friends.

The thing I found hardest was the feelings of shame and isolation and for that reason I would urge you to find and stick with professional help. There are only a couple of people I've ever shared with outside of professional services bc family and friends can (inadvertently)make it so much worse 😖

The help also allowed me to recognise connections between my abusive childhood and the relationships I formed as an adult. Talking stuff through allowed me to change my attitudes and expectations and thereby form healthier relationships. I believe that this has allowed me to give my children a much healthier upbringing and I can see in them the confidence and joy of life that I never had. This makes it all worth it!

I'm sorry that I cannot help you on any practical level; I'd really like to.

I can tell you that I am also very grateful for antidepressants, sleeping tablets, good childcare and kind teachers, and that there's a lot to be said for little steps, and little moments. Curling up with your daughter to watch a movie, singing in the car - these little moments are powerful and will help her to regain confidence. You're a team, you two, and you will find your way to better times x

Devastated for you and your daughter Blue.
Utterly unjust. You have done the absolute best you can do for her and I'm sure will always be her rock. You have always believed her and tried to protect her and that will mean everything to her.

Sending love and strength, can't begin to imagine your pain but hope you both will get support from somewhere (if not your parents, I'm sorry they've let you down).

I hope and pray that you will find a way to protect her from him in the future, I'm so sorry.

You are a brilliant mum who has amazing strength and love for your daughter.

I am completely devastated and it feels like I'm right at the beginning when my DD first started disclosing. It is so frustrating. She gave some very compelling evidence, describing very adult, graphic sexual acts in a childlike way yet that is not enough. How could a child that age know any of the things that she described unless she had direct experience of it? She has been consistent that it was her Dad and no one else. The CPS solicitor stated that the case was also undermined because she had gone into various flights of fancy during the interviews and told the police officer that they were true thereby making her 'unreliable' as a witness. I have decided that I will appeal the decision and ask for the CPS to take another look.

The poor excuse of a human being who did all this (i.e. her abuser) has already been in contact. He contacted me stating that 'thank god it is all over' and saying he would like to see DD again and could I arrange this please. Also told me to get in contact ASAP. The idea that he thinks this is all over and that I will now happily hand my DD over to him because some solicitor in a suit who went over all the paperwork decided there was not enough evidence to prosecute is ridiculous. Obviously I will fight him all the way if he chooses to go down the Family Court route. I rang social services (the social worker who dealt with us no longer works there and they closed our case months ago because they had no concerns about my DD's welfare with me but did agree that my DD had been telling the truth) told me that because the case is now closed from their point of view it is now a private civil matter and they wouldn't discuss it further with me in terms of DD's dad back in contact or give me any advice on how to deal with him. I find that ridiculous as just because currently the criminal side of things is not going any further does not negate the fact that there is a child protection issue if her Dad tries to get contact or just turns up. I don't know if it is just a case of the person I spoke to at Social services was just a bit of a muppet who didn't know what she was talking about but it feels like after almost a year of this process that I have now been left on my own by social services and the police to protect my DD on my own without their help or protection even though both the social worker and the police detective involved told me they 100% believe my DD is telling the truth .

Just because he thinks it's all over, it doesn't follow he's 'allowed' contact again. Let him take it to court to decide.

My XHs best friend abused our children. But because of no physical evidence and the children's ages, the vile creature was never taken to court. XH was sporadic in the contact at best and said it was too difficult for him to have them at his place or overnight - he would simply turn up when he felt like it despite 'having' every Saturday. He'd turn up if he felt like it, after no shows for 6 weeks - we'd wait in for him - I decided we were going to live our lives and go out if we fancied. This went on for about 3 years til I met a great guy, then things turned nasty with Xh. I had to throw him out one Saturday as he started a fight with our SON, not even an adult.
Fast forward 3 years - never a birthday card or anything the whole time for any of the DC - when a guy knocked at the door telling me he had a summons for court. Xh was trying to gain residency of the DC. Oh, it was 2 weeks before Christmas and I was 8 months pregnant at the time. Duly went to court, turned out this had been going on for over a year and I had been ignoring the letters . No, I hadn't, I had never received any. I told the court this and they asked me if I'd at least allow visits and Mr Twatface simply wanted a relationship with his DC. No, not happening. So the court appointment someone to do an investigation and the judge warned me I could be in trouble if I didn't follow it's eventual ruling!
DD2 was born 3 weeks later and a week after the court officer duly turned up to interview me. She bashed on about poor Mr Twatface, that I was being unreasonable etc that the court will allow access. He was going for residency, but lovely him decided it would be too confusing just now for the DC. I told her there's no way he's getting access and to re check SS records regarding Xh, his best friend and his brother. She got a little shirty with me assured me she had already, I told her to recheck.
She came back 2 weeks later, totally different attitude. She assured me she'd be extremely thorough and wouldn't take XHs word for anything. Eventually, he showed his true colours and she made a report for the court. She came to see me before the hearing and profusely apologised and told us, in all her years doing her job, this was the first time she's met a man like Xh and the first time she's had to say never let this man be alone with children. She was visibly shaken. The court told him he could sent Birthday cards, Christmas cards and letters but no contact til the DC were 18. He never sent one.
Blue you're her mum, SS and the police believe your DD. If your X decides he wants access, let him take it to court. You keep fighting for her.

I am so fucking angry right now. I have spent all day virtually unable to do anything, just getting up from the sofa has been really difficult. Went to bed early as I felt really tired but then started to have anxious thoughts and have gotten up again. I feel total rage now. I hate the bastard who did this, and I hate the fact that he is going to get away with it. There is no justice. I will of course do everything to stop him ever seeing my DD again but I just wish for a bit of closure. Because he would need to take me to Court to gain access, the ball is in his court which means I'm left here hanging, wondering if and when he will take things further. I rang SS today for some guidance and they said that despite the social worker saying that it was her professional opinion that my DD was telling the truth and that her Dad poses a risk etc that because their case is closed, and the police's case is closed, there is a 'real grey area' in terms of protecting my DD until some sort of Court decision is made. Which I think is just ridiculous.

I sometimes feel such rage towards him and all his friends and family, who I'm sure are convinced of his innocence. I have asked the CPS to review the case but I'm not feeling hopeful.

A bit of an update. I have asked the CPS to review the case which they are doing. It should have been reviewed within a certain time frame but they have got back to me saying that they still need more time.

My DD's dad has been in contact three times now, since he was told that they will not pursue the case. He has now decided to turn everything round to me, and has told SS that he believes that I have been feeding my DD the stuff that she has disclosed. He sent me a text stating 'that you know the truth' and 'be brave and tell the truth' etc and that I will damage my relationship with my DD. I have only responded to his first message, stating that I will not engage with him directly and only through solicitors. He said that 'we can sort this out' before 'solicitors get even more deeply involved'. He also said that the policeman had told him my DD misses him. All of which is of course complete bollocks. I find it very hard to believe that he has bothered to get any legal advice. I have a solicitor in waiting in case he brings any proceedings. The solicitor told me that DDs dad would have to jump through many hoops and spend ££££'s on any case which may deter him from trying. Also said that any case will be long, complicated and he is unlikely to get contact. The family court would have a 'finding of fact' hearing where all the SS and police records will be given and they will base their decision on the balance of probabilities. I have also spoken more in depth with someone from SS who confirmed that as they deal with immediate child protection issues, the reason why they are not involved at the moment is because they have made an assessment on me and decided that they can trust me to make the right decisions to protect my child. She said that their assessment that he is a risk still remains and so for example if I turned round and said to him OK yeah sure have access (which will never happen) they would immediately become involved again. Effectively, even if I wanted him to have access (which I don't) I wouldn't be allowed to.

I just wish he could do the decent thing and fuck off out of our lives. I really believe that he is actually quite evil for continuing to fuck around with us. I hate having to constantly look over my shoulder and be vigilant when I leave the house in case I bump into him.

I spoke to SS yesterday and they said that if I have any questions just get in touch. I just hope they see that the real malicious accusation has come from him and not me. Both the social worker who dealt with our case and the police officer 100% believe my DD is telling the truth, the policeman told me to my face that he found DD's dad to be arrogant, guilty and needed his day in Court so the idea he told him that my DD misses him is just absurd.

I'm so sorry you & your DD are going through all this OP. I don't have anything useful to offer but you are so strong

Just RTFT. I have no words, just wanted to say I'm glad at least that the no access thing is clearer now. I understand that CPS have to decide which cases they are bringing forward but it is terrible that they are not bringing this one to court. I literally don't have any words for the horror of it all.

You are absolutely amazing. Rage is a very natural reaction, if you weren't angry you would be abnormal. We are programmed to fight to protect our children, rage is there to help us do that.
I hope your counselling comes up soon to help you process. Your Mum sounds like she's doing her best to support you but doesn't have all the tools. I think you are really really incredibly amazing and brilliant and strong and sensible and loving and I could go on and on because you are.

Hey I know this is really going out on a limb here but I just wanted to share my instinctive reaction because I just woke up and remembered reading your thread when you first posted, and then I jumped to this last page and a sleep-filled thought just popped into my head.

I wondered if maybe your DD was talking about your Dad, not her Dad as doing stuff to her.

Sorry if thats a shocking idea and its misplaced of me. Its just one of those things that washes through your head inexplicably. I think its your description of him as having a "personality disorder", plus the him shouting at her, plus the knowledge that sometimes children deflect or confuse accusations onto another person they are less scared of.

Sorry again if this is a horrible misaccusation for me to make, I just didnt want to not share it.

Hope youre okay. X

Also I hope DD's abuser dies a very very slow painful death. I'm raging and close to tears myself so I can't imagine how you feel and I didn't just want to read and run.

My goodness, I have just come across this and have been reading the thread for over an hour, I'm so sorry OP, you have been incredible.