Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

hi blue I had to come on and reply to this after reading the whole thread.
first i echo what others have said , you are being an amazing mum to your little girl , its a part of parenting nobody would ever wish to have but you are doing your best and getting everything in place for her to 'recover' while holding yourself together .

my older that your 5 year old was assaulted last year while sleeping at a trusted friends who had other children sleeping over not known to me . i had that bone chilling disclosure from my child who knew that something wrong had happened and was worried that I would blame her . I had to do what you did and contact the police and sit through listening to her answer questions while twisting my trousers in her hand .
I wont say we were lucky as clearly she was assaulted by a 10 year old boy who touched her in a way she didn't want and made her experience vulnerability and someone having control over her and not being able to get away or get help for an unknown period of time ( between 1 and 4 hours )but we didnt go to court ( he was below age of resposibility)
It was horrific for a long time , she wasnt examined and he was not charged . ss were involved with him and his family to prevent him doing it again or worst , i dont know him or his family ..... but i can recognize all your feelings . i was a state for a long time and i work in child protection which affected me being able to do my job , work were very understanding but i was less kind to myself, i felt that that i should have coped better , but i just couldnt. i also know that feeling of grief , something dying .
my trust in others is very shaky , i review every invite my daughter has while trying to still let her have new experiences. I mourn the fact that she now likes the bedroom door open , so she knows she can get out of the room when she wakes up , she doesn't like to sleep near a wall again so she can get out , nightmares , asking me if it will ever happen again
(how do i answer that) cautious about being in rooms near boys she doesnt know , not wanting to go on school residential trips when she is happy to go on girls only camps.
I dont want to add to your distress because i know what you are going through but please after the trial seek out and accept any support she may need around understanding her emotions as she grows up and becomes more aware ( sexuality) .
And support for you , although i work in child protection , its very different when its your own child , i felt very exposed and vulnerable .
I wish you all the best and hope my post hasnt added any stress.

I'm sorry that that happened to you and your DD too summerwren Sounds like you are going through a similar thing to me.

I can't sleep tonight, I'm worried about what work will be like tomorrow, my first day back in what seems like ages. I stupidly had a glass of wine this evening, so can't take one of my zopiclone tablets which the GP gave me for when I can't sleep. They usually get me to sleep pretty quickly.

I'm worrying about the whole situation. I managed to keep myself really busy during the day but I think I was just blocking everything out and when I stopped it came flooding to the surface. I feel so angry at him and also his family. I wish the whole thing would just end soon and not be drawn out for too long.

I'm so sorry for you what are both going through right now x

How was work, op?

I've not managed work. Couldn't face it quite yet. My manager has been very understanding and sympathetic but I feel like that won't last much longer until they rethink their position re extending my contract.

My DD was assessed by the intermediary at school yesterday and the police want to do the second video interview tomorrow. I've been really agitated all day. Absolutely craving alcohol to wash it all away, but have managed to stay strong. I went shopping and bought loads of nice things to eat to cheer me and DD up and we also did a Zumba DVD after school which was fun.

I intend on taking a sleeping tablet tonight to knock myself out until the morning. Don't fancy spending all night awake fretting.

I'm worried that DD won't say anything tomorrow. She has said so much more to me than she has to the authorities so it would be good if she told them too.

I can't imagine how hard this has been for you. Just to say I think you are doing an amazing job and your daughter is lucky to have such an amazing mum.

I hope you get some rest x

Going through something similar but much more minor, dd groomed by online paedophile, so wanted to offer a hand hold. We found out at Christmas.

I took a couple of weeks off work. Felt like I was going out of my mind, how could I not have seen what was happening? How could I have let my dd down so badly? Going round and round in my head.

Went to gp, got sleeping tablets. For the first couple of weeks I had good and bad days, had several where I just didn't want to be alive quite frankly. Lots of nights of no sleep. Had dd sleeping in with me for a while I was so terrified of her not being safe.

All I can say is it does get easier. I haven't had a 'bad' day for about a week. I've managed to stop crying constantly. Sleep is still evasive. Going back to work helped me, took my mind off it and let me focus on other things.

Just wanted to say it can get easier (I know my experience is nowhere near as bad as yours), will be thinking of you xx

DD had her second video interview yesterday. The intermediary was there to advise what the police could ask. They were trying/hoping to get DD to discuss some of the more graphic stuff that she has so far only been able to tell me but she didn't. She went over some of the stuff she had said before. Not sure if they will want another interview with her. She was so distant and sad after, which was heart breaking. There has been quite a long time since she last spoke about it all and it must be like opening a can of worms all over again for her, just as she was starting to feel a bit happier.

The police have put in the referral for the medical examination, they think it will probably be mid to late February when she gets seen.

I was absolutely drained yesterday. Ashamed to say I had some wine last night, so felt a bit ropey this morning but not too bad. I just couldn't cope with it all. Really hoping to go back to work next week. I think it might do me some good to go back.

I asked the police about whether DD's dad's partner has been interviewed (she hasn't but should be soon) and whether they know how much she knows about my ex's arrest etc. They said she knows all of it because she drove him to the police station for his interview and they also told her when she was there. She was also at their home when it got searched. I just think it's weird.

All things considered you are doing amazingly well. I would try not to worry what his gf thinks or believes, clearly she is sticking with him for now. Just focus on you and your DD.

I know everyone is kind to your daughter but the whole process just seems long and drawn out, very difficult with one so young.

Love and strength to you.

Blue, I was that age when I had the physical exam to determine the extent of abuse. Neither my mother nor the GP explained to me beforehand, just mum held me down and the GP pulled down my underwear and did the exam. I was not expecting it at all and got a terrible fright, which has stayed with me long after I forgot the actual abuse.

But I think I would have been absolutely fine if it had been explained beforehand to me that I was getting an intimate exam - I'd be nervous and scared sure, but my terror came from not knowing what was happening or why my mother who I trusted and the GP who I had up until that point trusted too did that to me.

So, when you know for definite she is getting it I would suggest you prepare her for it in an age-appropriate way. Could child services give you pointers on how best to prepare her for example?

You are doing brilliantly.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job and your DD is lucky to have you. Cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling

Nothing to add other than my ex friends daughter's granddad was convicted for having child abuse on his PC -worst rating-- she still takes her DD to his house! I haven't spoke to her since we we're really close too I'm 100% sure his friends won't know yet and some 'women' need a man at all costs so she may stand by him because she is nowhere near as strong as you.

for you and for your amazing DD

I didn't find out till after the conviction even though I saw her and her DP a few times a week.

Second week back at work. They have been amazing, so supportive. They have confirmed they will make me permanent which is a great weight off my shoulders. Manager is a lovely, lovely woman, I am so grateful.

I have to take DD to hospital tomorrow for her exam. I'm totally devastated by it. I'm so angry at her dad that I have to take my 5 yo DD to have her vagina and anus looked at by a doctor to see if she has been raped. I just don't know how it is going to go. DD seems to be turning a corner in terms of her being happier etc and I'm so worried that this will set her back again.

Oh bluestar, I read your thread previously and have thought about you and your dd, it's so heartbreaking I have no words just wishing you both strength to get through tomorrow. And for the future.

Well done on the job front and for keeping things together so far.

You are doing the best for your DD. Its really horrible but it's so important the police can gather as much evidence as possible to convict this monster.

Sending you and your amazing brave daughter lots of love and support xx

I know hugs are not very mumsnet but have a big one op,

You are doing fantastic, & your little ones bravery has me in tears, she is braver than me, well done little one xxx

Xxxxxxx

I'm so pleased to hear that work has been so supportive and offered you a permanent role. At least that's one less thing you have to worry about.

Thinking about you and your precious DD today. Big hugs for your both.

Thinking of you today

No experience but thinking of you and ️DD today

My thoughts are with you and your DD today xxx

Thoughts are with you and your DD.
This is such a big fear of mine and I am amazed at how well you have handled it.

Hope today goes okay, OP. Your dd is lucky to have you.

This is such a shame that the process is so excruciating slow. It's been nearly 3 months since your dd first said something.

Hope today has gone as well as possible for you and DD