Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

Just read the full thread and like a PP has said I cannot believe the length of time involved; I am raging on your behalf!
I hope today went as well as it could

Your doing amazing. I cannot begin to imagine what your going through. Keep strong

Been thinking of you and your DD all day today op. Hope it went as well as it possibly could have

Oh, OP, I really don't know what to say.

But your DD is lucky to have a mum like you.

Gosh what an awful situation for you & your daughter. I agree with the others you are a fantastic mother to have taken this seriously & taken action. You have saved your daughter from any further harm. I sincerely hope her father gets exactly what he deserves. And I hope you & your daughter find happiness after all this.

Just wishing you the best. You have been very strong.

As someone who has struggled with crippling anxiety, my one piece of advice would be please don't try to ruminate about what will or won't happen or ehat ithers are thinking. That will just drive you crazy and you will start playing out scenarios that will just torture yourself, when they may never happen.

Whatever does happen you will be strong enough to deal with it and wise enough to do what's best. After all, you dealt with this and proved your strength.

Just want to say that even though you have been struggling with your emotions and are clearly having a hard time dealing with it what a fantastic mum and woman you are.
I was abused as a child by my father and when I told my family they said he denied it and that was that, like nothing had ever happened. I've been NC with them for quite a few years now and even though that monster was the one who did wrong do you know what hurts the most? That my mother and siblings chose to effectively stick by his side when I needed them the most. I have no feelings towards him, he hasn't disappointed me because I don't feel any love towards him, luckily I guess he was always a shit dad anyway and never contributed to our upbringing.
So well done for believing your dd and supporting her 100% because that's what she needs More than anything and that's what she will remember, that when she was going through a tough time you were there for her

I can't find the right words blue. I truly hope that the justice system puts that bastard away for a very long time.

I also wish you and your DD much strength and love

What an absolute nightmare you and your DD have experienced.
Well done for listening, believing and acting quickly on what your DD told you. You sound like a strong woman, and a great source of comfort for your DD.
Hope today wasn't too bad and that the professionals managed to examine DD without making her feel uncomfortable.

I cannot know what you have gone through, and I'm sure there will be more tough times ahead. Keep doing fun things with your daughter and be kind to yourself. You are doing such a good job!

Today has quite frankly been horrific but hopefully the last bit of examination that my DD will have to endure so in that respect it brings some sense of ending. We arrived at the clinic this morning, met the nurse, who was lovely - took DD's height and weight and asked about her toys which she had brought with her. She then took her to a separate room while I spoke to the consultant at length about the history. DD was amazing, very calm and let the Doctor do everything she asked. But it was heartbreaking seeing my DD with her heals together and her knees apart with a colposcope shining into her privates and everything on display on a computer. DD looked scared and confused. The Dr said that her bits looked exactly as she would expect at that age so therefore no sign of abuse but that is exactly what the police and even she said before the exam given not only the length of time since the abuse but also the 'flexibility' of the area.

I took DD out for an afternoon of treats, anything she wanted to do. Crazy golf, Yo! Sushi (my DD loves sushi, fuck knows how/why) , bought a toy and 2 new books. We met up with my Mum and went for a cake also. She went home with my mum as I have work tomorrow. I spoke to my mum tonight and she said DD had been fine this evening. I'm not so good, I'm heartbroken. I could kill my ex. It feels like my little baby has had to go through the abuse all over again. I have drunk a ton of wine tonight, I will be an absolute state at work tomorrow.

Also, thank you for all your kind and supportive messages, I really appreciate it x

Oh Bluestar, you are amazing.
I've just read your thread and am devastated for both of you but so moved by your strength and courage.
Thank goodness work has come through and are supportive. Getting back into a normal routine will definitely help.
Don't beat yourself up about the wine. You are living through hell. Your consumption will drop off once you're through the worst.
Do you have RL friends who can support you both through this or are you having to keep it all under wraps?
It's so much to carry alone.

I don't feel like I'n doing amazing, I feel like I'm drinking way to much wine.... I'm worried now that there will be no evidence for prosecution and that DD's dad will try to initiate contact. I think he would be so arrogant to do that .

Just rtft and offering love and support to you and your DD bluestar
Will keep checking in for updates

What happens now?
If Dr says there is no sign of abuse. Do they need hard 'evidence', to continue the case, to try and take it to CPS, for a possible prosecution? or is that not required, to continue.
The support for dd, continues regardless, but I was just asking what happens to OP re the criminal case.

I ended up ringing work this morning and asking if I could take the day off as annual leave. I told my manager about the appointment yesterday and she said that I could but didn't seem too happy, which is unsurprising as it was so last minute.

I drank a stupid amount of wine last night, but luckily had picked up some low alcohol level wine so my hangover wasn't too bad today but I still feel guilty. I know I keep saying it but this time I am going to try and stop. Hopefully now that we have got this appointment behind us, me and DD can start moving on.

I spoke to the policeman dealing with our case this evening. They are still going through ex's phone records etc. He said they found nothing in his photos or videos. They have also done the interview with ex's partner, but she had said she hadn't noticed anything amiss whilst DD had been staying over at theirs.

The police officer also said that my ex had sent him an email expressing his concern about DD's welfare regarding not being able to see her dad. The police said that for the time being it is not a concern as there is no way that they would allow contact whilst the police investigation is being undertaken but it does worry me what might happen if they decide there is not enough evidence to take it to court. Will ex try and get access etc.

I have just read your thread and it is absolutely heartbreaking, I'm so sorry you and your DD are having to go through this.

You are an amazing mother, I don't think I could cope half as well as you are even if it doesn't feel like it.

I am sorry to hear what has happened to your daughter. The police and Local Authority have let her down by waiting for 3 months to complete a forensic medical examination of her.
If I was you I would ask the local authority to provide you of the procedures for a S47 enquiry. a direct disclosure for a child would warrant an immediate medical examination.
Are they offering support at CIN level for your daughter? If so then they should be completing meetings every six weeks with you and all agencies such as school and health. (Family action meetings or team around the child)
Also has the social worker completed a C&F assessment and shared this with you? If not I'd say you have been seriously let down.

Have managed to have an OK ish day. I went for a cycle ride in the morning, visited a friend in the afternoon and went to a gig tonight. It was also really nice having a lie in this morning (DD is at my parents until tomorrow).

However I have come back and just feel so full of rage again. I have so many fears about the future, that the case will go ahead, that it won't, what the outcome will be. But most of all I hate my ex. He has no doubt poisoned all his friends and family against me and DD. I'm really scared that he is going to get away with what he has done but also he will then try and worm his way back into DD's life. I can't possibly let him have contact with him. She would never trust me again. It is when I feel like this that I have this overwhelming desire to get absolutely shitfaced but I am determined not to. Obviously I don't get shitfaced when my DD is with me and but rather I take advantage of when my mum babysits. I know I have to look after myself in order to be able to look after her..

I've lurked on your thread and I am amazed by your strength. I had to have my ex assessed by SS and they deemed him a 'potential risk of sexual harm' to my then 18 month old DD. He has supervised access only and I also self medicated with wine. Hand hold things will get better. I hope for her sake and yours that your ex has zero contact I really wish mine didn't.

*blue star I am so so so sorry this happened to your girl and to you.

Your daughter is so brave to have told you and you are the best of mother's that she knew she could.

You seem a little surprised at how hard this is hitting you. You have been utterly betrayed by someone you should be able to trust implicitly. Your daughter has been hurt and you are right to feel rage about that. Rage seems a logical emotion at this time.

You have already started a healing process for your little girl, my heart breaks at the description of her examination but she is learning. Your daughter knows she can trust you, your daughter knows she is believed and your daughter knows that her being hurt matters it is not ok, it is taken utterly seriously.

Your situation is horrendous but because of your actions it won't define your daughter. You will get through this. You should hold onto that.

Have you been offered any support? Do you think it may be a good idea for you to access counselling to allow you to vent and get to grips with your own grief ?

Please be so very kind to yourself xxx

Rarity75 I'm so sorry this has happened to you to. One of my worries is that he will manage to get some sort of contact with DD again, but hopefully if it does happen it would be through supervised contact only.

This evening I've been hit with what can only be described as feelings of complete rage for my ex. Before all of this happened, I knew he was a cunt, he was to me at least. He would always be so passive aggressive, derisive, smug, condescending etc. He told me when I was pregnant that there was nothing about me he liked, that I was 'half a person' and therefore could never fall for someone like me. He would always boast at how many friends he had, that they were all 'really cool and smart' and that I had no friends. If I met up with them with him he would tell me afterwards that it had gone really badly i.e. I had done really badly etc. But I never thought he would do anything to harm DD, I had no suspicions at all. I was aware that he was more tactile than my own dad was, who was a stiff upper lip boarding school educated type who doesn't show emotions much and I thought it was nice that DD has a dad who took her camping, taught her how to the ride a bicycle etc. This makes me really angry at myself that I knew that he was such an abusive cunt but didn't protect my DD from him. But I really didn't know that he would do this to her. He has no doubt slagged me off to all his family and friends, telling them that I am mad or whatever. I actually think he is completely evil.

I felt so shit just then that I even started to put my shoes on to go and get some wine from the shop (my DD is still with my parents) but managed to talk myself down. I need to totally get out of the habit of reaching for the wine when I get down.

What an amazingly strong person you are. You have given your daughter an amazing thing in believing and supporting her- she will always know that you were there, unconditionally.
I'm glad your work have been supportive and given you permanent contract- there is still some good in the world.
Sending as much love, support and peace your way as I can. Hope you manage to rest.

I have just read your heart breaking thread and feel so angry for you and your daughter. Your ex is clearly a sick, sick fucker. You have done an amazing job of staying the course and your strength is incredible. You are being so incredibly brave to support your daughter and hold it together. I'm so glad your work have offered you a permanent contract. Are you on a waiting list for councelling? I just wondered if you could find a safe space to work your feelings through. As you have acknowledged drinking isn't helping but I completely understand why you are turning to it. Do not turn this situation inward and blame yourself. He is the only one response for his action and I really really hope that he is convicted and you get some peace. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. This is an incredibly traumatic thing to go through xx