Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

How are you and your daughter OP??

Mama We are quite up and down really. DD is doing really well, she has more good days now than bad. For me it's more like the other way around. I have managed to completely rein in the wine intake, so I am dealing with all the emotions in a very raw state. The police are hoping to put the file in front of the CPS soon, but it may take a while for the latter to make a decision. I feel so anxious and angry all the time. I would be absolutely devastated at this stage if they didn't charge him.

I'm so sorry this is happening but you are so strong and you are exactly what your dd needs right now. You're so supportive and will help her get through this.

I am having an absolutely terrible time at the moment. My stress and anxiety are going through the roof. The reason for this is because the police hope to put the case in front of the CPS soon for a decision whether to prosecute.

I have managed to just about keep it together over the half term break and me and DD have done lots of fun stuff together. She has been in really good spirits, although today she has been very poorly with a tummy bug.

I just feel such overwhelming rage towards the fucking bastard who did this. I hate him. I know it sounds awful but I really can begin to understand why and how some people turn to violence against people like that. Not that I would ever do that, my hope is that we never see him again.

I also hate his family and his friends. They were always so fucking up their own arses and I hate them because they can be friends with someone like that.

I have managed to be completely alcohol free now for a few weeks. I really felt very tempted this evening as my anxiety is horrendous. I've managed not to though, as I know it will only make things worse in the long run.

I just feel so lonely with all of this. My parents are pretty crap with any kind of emotional problem (I actually strongly suspect that my dad is undiagnosed aspergers and my mum just doesn't 'do' feelings). They know everything that has been said but they really struggle with saying the right things and I can't talk to them. I have told a few people at work and they were supportive but again I don't think they really know what to say. Same with close friends. I am on a waiting list for counselling and am in touch with someone who works in a centre that specialises in this kind of abuse and I meet up with her every so often which helps. I just find it so heavy on my shoulders, being a single parent is difficult enough as it is, and I am also holding down a relatively demanding job and studying (which I have managed to hang on to with the skin of my teeth thanks to being allowed millions of extensions for coursework). I just feel like I could explode with the stress sometimes. That is why I turned to wine, which just made me feel worse afterwards. I'm on pretty high sertraline and propranolol and they did help to start with but they just don't seem to cut it know. I am actually scared to think what sort of state I would be in right now if I wasn't on them bearing in mind I feel pretty fucking awful. I think I would be outside shouting at trees and buses tbh.

I remember your thread when you originally started it, I didn't feel qualified to reply (and still don't really) but I didn't want to read and run.

I can't believe how incredibly strong you have been through all of this. It must be like a living nightmare for you both but you have been absolutely amazing and you are a fantastic mum.

I can imagine that you feel so alone in this, you can only talk so much to family and friends, they aren't living it the same way that you are. Can you push them about the counselling? If you're still having massive levels of anxiety too, go back to the GP and see if they can't switch the medication to see if another would work better. You shouldn't be having to suffer from it this much

I hope you managed to get some sleep

What you are feeling is normal, lots of people would buckle under this strain and you have haven't, you're still having fun days with your DD and putting her first.

One of my close friends was sexually abused as a child by her step dad. She testified in court and he was found guilty. Today she is a strong, confident, successful woman who is a great mum herself and is a bit of a role model for me. You and your DD will get through this.

bluestar
I saw your thread when it was first posted but didn't feel I had anything I could possibly say to be at all helpful so never commented. Unfortunately I've found myself in very similar shoes, though our case is progressing quickly.

I want to say I completely get the up and down, the rage, the overwhelming sadness, the hopeless sinking feeling, ranting... I'm so sorry your ex isn't admitting anything. I'm so sorry to hear you're still waiting to find out what will happen. You're an amazing mum doing your absolute best, and don't let anyone tell or make you feel you are anything other than that. You believe your dd and that's the most important thing.

I hope things take a better turn for you and dd soon. Have you had a professional to speak to? Sorry if I missed that, I hope you have by now.

Very best of wishes to you both

The hate is normal, OP, it's giving you the energy and adrenaline to get through this. Well done for keeping off the alcohol, that's an amzing achievement.

Has there been any contact from him?

Hiya I have just read your whole thread. You may not feel like it but all I can see is how amazing and strong you are. You are going through bell but you are still keeping your shit together, I really admire you. Keep talking, it will help. Do you exercise at all? It may help you with some of those rage feelings, a boxing class, yoga, swimming? It could poss help you sleep too.

Practically for you and your DD you can call the Nspcc helpline to see what sort of support they have in your area too. X

You are going amazingly in the crappiest of circumstances. I'm not surprised you feel like drowning your sorrows in a vat if wine, it must feel completely overwhelming.

The fact you are managing to hold down the job, the course and support your DD though all this is just shows what a strong and incredible woman you are. You are doing your DD proud.

You are an amazing woman and mother. Stay strong. We are all behind you. Much love to you and your daughter. Xx

Thank you so much for all the lovely and supportive messages! They really have lifted me xxx

My DD has been very sleepy today due to her tummy bug so we have been lounging around on the sofa watching films together which has been nice. It meant I could have a rest too.

My anxiety has still been pretty high today, it kind of comes in waves where one moment I'm 'OK' and the next I want to scream and shout and punch the walls (I don't however do this).

Anyway thanks again for all the support, it does help me a lot xx

I just read your thread. Stay strong op, sounds like your doing a brilliant job. for you and your lovely dd.

What a fucking bastard he is, there aren't words. There also aren't words for how fantastic you are, I don't know if I could be as strong as you in this situation it must be beyond terrifying. I hope both of you are doing better

Thinking of you and your daughter, OP

Your daughter is very lucky to have you

You sound amazing, I'm sorry you are both having to go through this.

Did you mention previously that you are moving? Maybe that will help you both

The police recently re-interviewed the cunt. He was made aware of the subsequent, and more explicit disclosures my dd had made against him. He still denies everything but did say apparently that it sounds like she has been abused but it was not by him. It raises the question of who it could have been in that case. She has never mentioned any other man, either who has done these things or who she has any long term one to one time with.

The police also confirmed that it has been approved by the managers that the case can now be put in front of the CPS. We should find out by the middle to late July if there is enough for it to go to Court. The police have said that the case does have its weaknesses in that my dd initially retracted and changed the story a few times in the first couple of weeks after disclosure. I found and sent over some literature regarding children doing this and they said it was helpful and will put in the report.

I am so upset and stressed about it. I think it is also the not knowing that is really stressful. Even if they turn round next month and say it isn't going any further at least we will know and we can try and move on. I just hope that 'he' doesn't try to gain access again. I hope he realises that he has got away with murder and leaves us alone. The idea of a further legal battle in the family court makes me feel stressed, but I guess we'll deal with that when we come to it.

I have managed to get a DD free weekend. I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I feel in a daze a lot of the time. I went to the shops today and was just really on edge and angry and in a complete fog. Hopefully my friend will be free tomorrow so I can get someone to talk to but she suffers ill health so don't know if that will happen.

Although I have managed to remain alcohol free, my stress seems to have come out another way in the way of spending. I've been spending like a lottery winner recently, buying expensive face creams and clothes etc to try and make me feel better. It does work for a little while but then I find something else I really want and then I want my next fix. I don't particularly want to get into financial difficulty either so need to nip this in the bud. I am determined that our lives will not suffer or change too much because of him.

My sleep has been terrible again. I have run out of the zopiclone the GP prescribed me and I am worried they won't give me any more because of it's addictive nature. I took one every night during half term because I was with my dd 24/7 with lots of planned activities so I didn't want to be shattered during the day so that took my last lot. My sleep this last week has been dreadful. I didn't get any sleep last night (managed a couple of hours this afternoon) and even though I feel quite tired now, I am wide awake with the stress and adrenaline. I think I am also suffering from a bit of PMT which is also obviously not helping the mix. I worry that sometimes I might lose my shit. I'm so angry all the time I'm worried that I might snap inappropriately at someone. That has not happened yet though, have kept it together around work, DD and family, even when I feel really annoyed about something. The end seems so far off.

There isn't really much I can say to help except that I think you are handling this exceptionally well and that is amazing that you are in any way holding it together. You sound very self aware, and recognise what you are doing to relieve stress. I think you need more people in real life to talk to, are there any other friends you can open up to. Mostly I felt bad that you had gone unanswered at this time of night.
Well done!

Briefly delurking to say that in my experience (and I know several other people who feel the same) half a Zopiclone can work as well as a whole one and if you do find yourself awake after 3 or 4 hours you can always take the other half. This way they can last you twice as long. When I was going through an incredibly stressful time and my gp would not give me a months' worth on a ongoing basis, I asked for half the amount (and got them) and cut them in half.
They like to restrict them as they are supposed to be addictive but I took them for 8 weeks straight and was worried about getting off them but I just took a quarter for a couple of nights and had no problem whatsoever (again, I know several people with the same experience). Hope this might help you in some small way

Herbal ones?
Have you tried doing exercise before bed to get rid of that adrenaline (sorry if patronising) no caffeine all the usual nonsense?
Aromatherapy, hypnosis or relaxation app?
Our body chemicals change to help us sleep at night which unfortunately allows all our negative feelings to magnify.
Hopefully you will feel a tiny bit relieved when you know they are charging him.
Sorry I have no great words but wanted to a acknowledge your post.

Maybe you can get Melatonin? My dd is prescribed this, it is a hormone I think that tells your body its night time. Good luck x

Op I remember you

Considering you have a full time job ,are a Single mum and are studying you are coping as well as can be expected in such gruesome circs .

sending all my love to you And your DD

I am in awe of you

Also can you look into some more self care ? Counselling , meditation , gardening . It really does work and whilst the drugs help sounds like your soul needs some nurturing too this is a marathon not a sprint

I've lurked a bit but didn't feel I could comment however, I've been the other side of this. My mother knew, she did not protect me.

What I'm trying to say is you are amazing. You are protecting your daughter and that is wonderful. She will always know you put her first. I'm not the only person I know who's mothers turned a blind eye, it's shockingly common. So you are brilliant, you really are. Keep fighting. Well done, she's lucky to have you.

The police sent the report to the CPS about a fortnight ago. Haven't heard anything yet. I am so stressed and anxious about it. They said that we should hopefully hear by the end of July/early August. I'm worried I will completely lose the plot by then.

Have continued to stay off the booze, which I'm pleased about. Didn't need that on top of everything else.

Had a horrendous week at work last week. We were so busy, and I ended up having an argument with a colleague who has been getting on my tits for ages. My other colleagues were very supportive, they all think the other lady is a complete lunatic but I don't like confrontation and it really rattled me. It is a stress that I could do without.

I also got a bit upset last week as had a meeting with my DD's play therapist who has been seeing her at school. She said that it was clear that DD's school achievements this year were 'not great' and that she was concerned about the effects of her shitty sleep on her ability to focus in class. I am aware that her sleep is shit (she is scared to sleep on her own and still complains of bad dreams/thoughts) and know that her school performance has declined over the past year. She also told me that my DD had said when asked about something she was wearing that 'mummy had bought it when I was alone' and that the play therapist had had to report that to the Head. I have never left DD alone (Christ, chance would be a fine thing, she won't even let me piss with the door shut). I asked DD later about the bit of clothing and did she remember where she got it and first she said that she couldn't remember and then she said that I had bought it for her when she was with my mum. So she meant that she was 'alone' in that I had gone out somewhere on my own, and she was on her own with my mum but it came out that she was completely on her own. I feel awful that the school thinks that she is being left on her own! The play therapist said this happened a few weeks ago and I have not heard anything from the school and she also said that children say all sorts of things out of context etc but it still really upset me.

I am so stressed at the moment I'm thinking it might not be a good thing for me to be in work at the moment. I'm really worried that I might snap. There are a few people who I work with who really get on my tits (like I guess most of do) and something might be done/said that would be the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm wondering whether I should not go in later today and call the GP and ask to be put of sick leave. I am however already on a stage 2 absence thing so will probably get into trouble but I don't know what else would be best.