Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

But surely the difference here, Oblomov, is that hitting or being hit is behaviour that almost all young children will have experienced or seen and the behaviour bluestar's DD is describing is not?

There is a HUGE difference between children telling tales on their siblings because of some perceived slight and a five year disclosing possible sexual abuse by an adult

You need to inform the police, not SS x

oblo under normal circumstances a child of that age would never have seen what she is claiming tho.

However children have been known to lie before. Child at neighbouring school said she was hit, but older brother said it wasn't possible and then the younger one admitted it was all not true and she didn't know why she had ever said it. These things do occasionally happen.

What an absolutely ridiculous comparison. How many 5 year olds do you know, have enough knowledge to show in detail of sexulised behaviour? It's not normal nor something a 5 year old should have been exposed to in any context. I hope you haven't got young children because attitudes like that are really dangerous

I'm confused-you rang SS not the police?

You need to pass this to the police. I don't know why you've gone to SS instead of them. The police have as others have said specially trained officers who will speak to her in a special suite for child victims they're going to be a lot more effective than SS

I went to SS because that is the advice given on all the websites that I have looked at when trying to find out what to do. For example, that is what the NSPCC advise. The social worker said the police are involved at the moment, the first step was for the social worker to speak with her and then they will have a meeting with the police present to see what the next steps are.

Teddy, I wasn't talking about a child saying a sibling had hit them. I was talking about a child who claimed father had hit them. But older sibling disproved it remembering that the father hadn't even been at home, but away on business, at the time.

I'm just saying that children don't always tell the truth.

I also said that the level of detail, and also the fact that it's sexual, rather that physical, differentiates this case.

Of course the Police will be already involved, by the Social Worker.
That is standard.

Ah. So the police are involved. Have you spoke to them?

*spoken

Absolutely believe her. Put all doubt out of your mind. A 4/5 year old child is not able to make this sort of thing up out of nowhere. They just would not know about it without being exposed to it. I'm so sorry op, I know you want to go into denial about it because it fucking hurts, but you can't. You need to accept that it has happened, or at very least your child has been exposed to something awful, and move forwards in supporting your child.

The police will handle this sensitively and professionally, and you should leave any further questions to their trained officers. Allow her to talk if she wants to, and record it secretly if you can, but do not question her.

I'm so sorry op, your poor little girl.

Stay in contact with the police rather than social services. The two don't always work well together. And sadly, with cut backs, social services don't pursue as vigorously as they once did, unless there is obviously physical harm. If the file is opened by social services, they are more likely to close quickly whereas police will keep it open.

Yes I have. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so very painful. You did the right thing.

In my experience if you child does not or cannot disclose to ss they can't do anything.

This the first time I've logged on to mn since people on here urged me to report it's been too painful but I couldn't walk past your post.

Stay strong for your daughter, limit contact until you can be sure and hope she speaks again. Write down anything she says that causes you alarm.

Sending you strength and hoping you get answers quickly x

Absolutely believe her. Put all doubt out of your mind. A 4/5 year old child is not able to make this sort of thing up out of nowhere. They just would not know about it without being exposed to it.

I would get professional advice and be guided by that. It certainly seems that she has been exposed to something she shouldn't have been and my gut feeling is that she's telling you the truth. However, I think you are right to leave open the possibility that she's repeating or talking about a different adult, until you have sat her down with a professional to whom she will talk. I would keep trying with private psychologists if she won't speak to police - but I don't know.

I have PM'd you, I hope that is okay. I don't want to post on here as situation is on- going.

Slender - did you not read the rest of my post. I followed on from that by saying: You need to accept that it has happened, or at very least your child has been exposed to something awful

Children do make things up, not necessarily a lie but a diverted memory or similar I.e. If her dad's partner say has older teens who she might have heard talking about these things, or if she'd overheard a conversation by someone talking to their partner about what they want to do to them, that kind of thing. I think there's no doubt that at some point she has been exposed to some sexual knowledge, but no-one can say without a doubt that she is telling the truth Iyswim.

It's important to remember here that when people talk about a five year old not telling the truth, we're not talking about malicious lies here but something which the child does not have the capacity to understand and therefore might have become confused in her own head - Iyswim.

Hi OP. I've worked in CP for a number of years with the police and have trained police and SW. I also specialise in interviewing children who have been abused. This is a police matter and the SW should have made a referral to their local CP unit. The police and SW should conduct a joint investigation ( to prevent your daughter from repeating herself endlessly). Having read considerable amounts of research into allegations of abuse , false allegations and retracting I would say it is more likely that the retraction ( it didn't happen) is the lie. I would be inclined to believe her given she has provided information unprompted and has acted out some of what happened. This is very typical in younger children who do not have the vocabulary or the life experience to understand what has happened to them. It is not uncommon for the child to allege and then retract more than once.....this is normal ( making this kind of allegation can be a big deal). Offenders may groom children to keep secrets so telling someone can be a big deal. You must not demonstrate any disbelief / disgust or other negative emotion since they may have been warned to expect this ( Mummy won't love you any more etc). The police should take a statement from her....probably by speaking to her on video ( these is typically the least imp active way to obtain the information). I would want my 5 year old to have some assistance with this statement and the police can obtain the services of an expert called an intermediary. They will support the child and help out with the language / vocabulary if necessary. If they don't consider an intermediary I would challenge them on it. ( Look up a charity called Triangle Services in Brighton to understand what this is about......but don't worry the police pay). If your DD alleges in interview they may wish her to be medically examined by a paediatric expert....it depends on how long it has been since the incident and what the incident consisted of. If it's more than 3 days it may be be worth it. It's not appropriate to try and elicit any kind of account from her yourself and you should avoid dolls like the plague since they're considered leading ( I don't mean in normal play but trying to get her to act out anything). If she carries on disclosing spontaneously then let her talk and when you can write down what she has said. Offer lots of cuddles and reassurance and keep in neutral.

If your child refuses to discuss the matter with the police / sw it does not mean the incident didn't happen but more probably that your DD didn't trust them enough to talk to them about it. They should invest time building a rapport with her and if they try and short cut this then they need calling out on it. I would expect they will prevent you ex from seeing her while the investigation is conducted but it may be possible that he will be allowed to see her while supervised at a contact centre.

I know this is a terrible shock but no-one ever really expects to have to deal with this issue. In many ways it's easier to believe that she's lying rather than believe you were with a man capable to doing such a thing. all that is normal but doesn't mean that this disclosure can be easily explained away.

Ps I would suggest that there are some extremely misguided people on here who are posting opinion with very little experience or research to support their claims.

Social services usually involve the police as part of a STRAT meeting, but because your DD keeps changing her mind, that could affect how they proceed.

She could have witnessed her dad having sexual contact with his partner and put herself in the GFs position. A SW told me this happened with a case of hers once.

The child later admitted she was jealous her dad wasn't spending so much time with her once he had the new lady. I don't know how the allegation would have solved that problem.

SS will do their job well and in light of these historical child abuse claims, it will be taken very seriously indeed. Id say you can be sure of that.

All you can do is be there for her.

I think your ex's response is slightly odd actually. To say "it can't be anything to do with me" and "i'm happy for them to speak to me."
Most people's reactions wouldn't even go down that line of thinking and would be really concerned about what might have happened to their dd.
You've had good advice on this thread. I would echo staying in contact with police rather than ss as i've also unfortunately found them to be more unhelpful than not

The ss don't get to decide whether they want to refer it to the police.....they must refer it as there is evidence of a criminal offence. The police then lead on the investigation into the offence and the Ss conduct assessments into the general welfare of the child. They will be looking for the OP to show that she is suitably protective - which she appears to be having flagged it. The repeated retraction is normal and if the police don't know about that then they need training. There is plenty of research online ( under " recanting") and a whole theory called Child sexual abuse accommodation syndrome which is used by some US law enforcement.

for you OP. Whatever the outcome this must be so totally awful for you and for DD