Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

I have not managed to get a wink of sleep last night. I now feel slightly psychotic because of it. I am so angry. I think it is all definitely being made worse by the fact that I have pmt too. I'm home alone in my living room, drinking coffee ranting and raving to myself at all the crappiness in the world. I have a ton of coursework to get done and various chores before DD gets dropped off later but I doubt I will get much done because I'm really tired and will probably want to sleep a bit before she gets here and also cause I feel like a complete mentalist. Starting to think maybe I should have got that bottle of wine last night, at least it would have calmed me down and knocked me out.

I am so sorry to hear what a horrific night you had. Can you go for a swim, bike ride or walk this morning? Get out of the house? I honestly can't imagine what you must be going through right now. Can you speak to your course and get a longer deadline? So you have one less thing to think about? Sending so much strength to you in this horrifically difficult time

If you'd had the wine last night you'd still have the rage this morning, but a headache to go with it. You've saved some money and don't need to feel bad about yourself (as if you need something else to feel bad about in the midst of all the shit). It takes a while for your body to get used to dropping to sleep if you're accustomed to using wine to knock yourself out - that's to be expected. One thing you absolutely can't risk is ex having any chance to say you are an unfit mother because of the drinking.

Hi bluestar, have sent you a PM

Managed to get some coursework done this morning and miraculously managed to be quite productive despite the complete lack of sleep. I managed to get a few hours in the afternoon before my DD got dropped off just after 3pm. It was absolutely lovely to see her again after a few days, she was in a lovely mood, really cheery and affectionate and gorgeous.

After I put her to bed (which was still a lot later than I would like for her age) I have been in a complete anxious state again. I'm so tense, upset and angry. I've got to get up at 6:30am to get ready to take DD to breakfast club and for me to get to work and I'm getting more anxious knowing that I am not going to get any adequate sleep tonight. I think I might beg ask my GP again for some zopiclone (sleeping pills) to help me get back on track. I did ask for more last time but he said no as they can be quite addictive but hopefully enough time has passed and they understand my situation.

I am so angry at my ex for what he has put DD through, and also what he is putting me and the rest of my family through. It makes me really angry to think that he is still carrying on as normal, with his girlfriend and presumably friends and family standing by him. It makes me angry that essentially they don't believe my DD, which is what it feels like.

Morning bluestar I have nothing constructive to add other than to say I am still very much thinking of you and your DD

Blue, one piece of tough advice I want to give is stop speculating. Deal with the facts as they emerge.

Stop ruminating about what others are saying/doing/thinking. STOP IT NOW. You are torturing yourself.

You don't know what your exs family and friends are thinking or saying. You are simply tormenting yourself. And who cares what bs he is spreading, you and your DD are victims and you should not worry about anyone else. It kills me to read the pain you are going through. But you can relieve part of this torture by refusing to allow your mind to speculate, taking each day at a time and dealing with facts you know eg if you are thinking about something that MAY happen or what someone MAY be thinking or doing, remind yourself that it is not a reality.

I speak as someone who suffered from extreme anxiety (to the point of having suicidal thoughts). When people say be kind to yourself, this is what they mean. It is a given you will worry, but don't let your mind make things worse by going through every horrible possibility.

You are a strong woman and you and your DD will get through this.

About the zopiclone. My doctor and I agreed that I could have some but that I would never take them more than 1 night in 3, and less if possible.

The 1 in 3 thing is to reduce the chance of addiction. Might your doctor give you some if you can negotiate how oftne you'll take them? And keep to it ofc! you also really cant take them with alcohol.

As it happens i almost never use them, but knowing that I can take one if I have a run of bad nights helps. It's never one nights' bad sleep is it, it's when it builds up to weeks or months of it.

Aww I'm so angry in your behalf,

I know it's not the same but I was groomed and abused by an older "grandad" bloke, police involved etc at 8 and because I could talk to my mum and nothing was brushed under the carpet I've always been ok.

Your doing a fantastic job xx

De-lurking to wish you and DD all the best, OP.

Agree with Sammy, worrying about the lies ex is spreading is pointless. Anyone who believes him and stands by him is not worth worrying about anyway.

Keep on keeping on Your DD is very lucky to have you.

Just read through the whole thread, and my heart is breaking for you and your DD, bluestar.
I feel shaky with rage on your behalf, so I can only imagine how rage-filled and betrayed you must feel. And you have every right to - don't chide yourself for getting angry, but if you can, try to find some way to channel that anger and tension out of you, just for sanity's sake.
Your DD is incredibly brave, and must have an absolute trust in you, to have disclosed to you. You should be proud, to have raised such an amazing child.
And lastly, as in pieces as you may feel sometimes, you are doing the best job humanly possible. You're incredible, and so strong and supportive of your DD. I wish (and I'm tearing up right now,) that you'd been my mum. Mine wasn't so supportive when I disclosed my step-dad's abuse, and like pp's, it's more her lack of support than the abuse itself that damaged me in the long-term.
Your DD may have a cunt for a father, but you have no idea how lucky she is to have you, believing her and loving her. That means everything in the long run. You are an amazing mum
Sending you good thoughts and hoping the case is sorted as quickly as possible, and you and your DD can find a happy new normality

Just one more person wanting to say well done, for coping as well as you have with all this. I think you're bound to be angry, but its a real shame you're on a long waiting list for counselling, as it might help a lot to talk to someone outside ur social group, who will let u rant, and say whatever u want, without u needing to worry what they think. They could also help with strategies for managing ur moods. If u can possibly afford tobget some counselling sooner, it may be worth it? You could also consider some really energetic exercise, to getbyour mind off being angry for a little while.

How are you and your DD doing bluestar?

DD had a funny night a few nights ago. Her sleep is still not great but that particular night she just didn't want to go down at all, very agitated and kept saying that she was scared of having bad dreams. She also mentioned her dad for the first time in a long time, but ended up just saying something a bit random. I got the impression she wanted to talk about 'it' i.e the thing that happened but either didn't want to go there or didn't have the words. I didn't push her at all, just left it where she did.

The social worker came round for a chat the other day, for a catch up which was nice because it meant I had someone to off load to.

I don't know if I'm just being a bit paranoid but when I came back from work the other day there was a royal mail missed delivery note waiting for me. It is a letter that needs to be signed for. Initially I thought it might have been my DD's report following the medical examination last week, but I received that yesterday in the normal post so it can't be that. I haven't ordered anything online, am not behind on any bills (as far as I'm aware) etc so can't think for the life of me what it could be. I'm really worried that it might be something from my ex, like perhaps he has got a solicitor involved re: access and they have sent me a letter recorded delivery but I am not sure they are allowed to do that given he is under bail and not allowed to contact me. But I don't know if he is allowed to contact me via a solicitor. In any event, I haven't picked it up from the post office depot, which I will do tomorrow, so I have no idea what it is about.

You and your daughter are doing amazingly well He won't be allowed access whilst under investigation, so if it is about that, pass the letter on the police/SS so they can tell him to do one.

You are doing amazingly well. I'm pleased that the medical report came back normal and that your DD hasn't suffered any physical damage.

Hi OP,
I have lurked on here for a few months. My daughter was in a similar situation but it was physical abuse from her stepdad. There is still an investigation ongoing with the police. It really takes it out of you doesn't it? we are actually going to court tomorrow in regards to custody of my younger boys. Because there was a court order I had to allow contact and the police are useless here in Australia and because the abuse didnt happen to my boys they did not do anything. Hopefully a judge will see sense. Anyway just wanted to offer my support and hope you are doing ok. I know how hard it is.

You are so, so brave and doing so well OP.

Hope you and your DD are coping ok. 💐💐

Had a bit of a bumpy week. A bit of a rollercoaster really, for various reasons.

I had to ring our social worker during the week because my DD had started talking about her dad again in those certain terms. She went over the same sort of things as before, and was again quite graphic. I relayed it back to the SW but haven't heard anything from her since. I think this sent me into a bit of a meltdown (understatement of the century). I had an absolutely terrible night on thursday and had to ring my mum on Friday morning, sobbing saying that I need my mummy. She came round, gave me a hug, stayed a few hours then we all went to her and my dad's house. I came back home today but DD is staying until tomorrow as we have had a long weekend of inset days and I have work tomorrow.

I have felt pretty shit about myself the last few days, that I am a really bad mum and that I'm slowly losing the plot. I have now given up the booze after one particular night where I drank too much and felt awful, ashamed at how irresponsible I was. I will not do it anymore, I need to be strong for both my DD and me.

Despite all the crappiness of the week it also had some good points. I signed my permanent contract at work and also got an assignment back for a course I'm doing, and it was a lot better than I had thought. So those things have made me feel a bit better about stuff.

As you can probably tell from the time this is written, I can't get to sleep. I feel very angry and agitated and can't sleep. I have work tomorrow but it should be OK as I have done alright at work when I haven't had any sleep the night before.

You are doing amazingly. The anger and rage is completely natural. Giving up the wine before it becomes an issue is a big achievement. You have been there for your DD and you are doing this. There are some bumps but you are getting over them. Try to focus other things. She is so small she will likely forget most if not all of this. She will remember that mum is always there.

You can do this. Keep focused on right now. Work to keep you sane and stable, a routine for you and DD and some fun days. Focus on giving your DD back the happy childhood he tried to steal. Give her love and comfort. Bake together, play together, laugh together. You can give her a wealth of fun memories. Shift your focus off him and onto her. You've totally got this.

I have been a long time lurker on this thread, but now feel that I need to comment. You are doing amazingly well in the face of this adversity for you and your gorgeous daughter. It shows how much love and trust she has in you to have disclosed the information she has, and you have shown such a strength in your love of her by reporting it and supporting her through the trauma of repeating it to people she doesn't really know.
Well done on realising that your support of drink is going to cause more harm in the long run. Thank goodness for your parents being close and supporting both of you, I am sure that they are equally concerned by what has been occurring and it shows their strength of character that has been transferred to you through their loving care of you through the years.
I think of you often and am so pleased to read your updates, which show the progress being made. Yes the justice system is slow but they do need to ensure that they have a watertight case before taking it any further. I am positive that there will be a deserved outcome at the end of all this.

Bear with me, I'm about to have a massive rant...

My DD's investigation is still ongoing. Police have said there is nothing on his laptop, that it seemed very 'boring' in that there wasn't very much on there at all which makes me think whether he managed to hide his usual one. I know that he would have all sorts of web searches, not necessarily illegal.

DD had a third interview because she started talking again about a month ago. This time she was able to disclose quite a lot to the police.

We should hopefully be finding out in the next 6 weeks or so what the CPS think i.e. do they think it will be enough to go to Court. I would be so devastated at this stage if it didn't. I think it would be so unfair if it didn't. So many sex offenders must get away with these types of crimes all the time due to lack of evidence. But by the time a child has felt ready and able to disclose, a lot of time may have passed and all forensic/physical evidence may have been lost.

I feel full of hate towards 'him' and his friends and family. I just hate anyone who has anything good to say about him.

I'm also pretty stressed out with other stuff. We are moving soon and I am behind on coursework again. Managed for a while to cut out alcohol but these last few weeks have been so stressful that I have been drinking more frequently again.

I have no experience but I would think her repeated disclosures would be enough. Is there any support for parents -I think you are suffering a traumatic response which is absolutely understandable. That's why you're turning to the drink to calm you down

Have a look at this site. It has info for parents and help line numbers thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/