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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - DH is driving me mad!

425 replies

Mummy2TandF · 11/02/2007 22:12

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

OP posts:
ledodgy · 11/02/2007 22:13

Get the toilet brush and stick it where the sun don't shine!

funnypeculiar · 11/02/2007 22:15

bloody hell - you are officially a saint ...
And, imho, he needs a slap...

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 11/02/2007 22:15

ledodgy - You mean you actually read all that - I have felt like doing that for quite a while now.

OP posts:
controlfreakyandroses · 11/02/2007 22:15

give his face a quick once over with the toilet brush before you get in the bath...

controlfreakyandroses · 11/02/2007 22:16

oops. great minds ledodgy...

pinkbubble · 11/02/2007 22:16

Tell him to BOG off!!!!!

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 11/02/2007 22:17

funnypeculiar - I wouldn't say saint! It all needed doing badly but still - he has been watching TV all day and he is just sooo bad with the way he speaks to me it just makes me

OP posts:
Carmenere · 11/02/2007 22:17

Make him a cup of tea and stir it with the toilet brush.

pinkbubble · 11/02/2007 22:18

HeeHee thats bad

bandofgold · 11/02/2007 22:19

well i went out at 12 and came back at 3, and no dc's had not been given lunch. grr,

luciemule · 11/02/2007 22:19

what was DH doing while you did all that?
Is he usually quite good at helping or was this an off day?

funnypeculiar · 11/02/2007 22:19

Mummy2T&F - compared to my day (I did some hoovering and got lunch, and played with the kids ... dh got up with the kids, made them breakfast, got them dressed, did nappies all day, cooked tea, took kids to shops & park etc etc ...), yup you are defn a saint...

bandofgold · 11/02/2007 22:20

lucie, it was good cos he got out of bed, even more grrr.

bandofgold · 11/02/2007 22:21

sorry, thought you were talking to me, ishall shut up now#!

kama · 11/02/2007 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 11/02/2007 22:43

luciemule - While I was doing all this he was sitting on the sofa watching TV shouting to me every 15 minutes "what are you doing?" meaning why aren't you here entertaining the dc's. and NO he is not usually good - He normally gets home from work and falls asleep on the sofa only for me to wake him up at 11pm ish reminding him to do dd's bottles - you see I do make a stand - making her bottles in the evening is his job! .... I think it has just wound me up today so much more because he has seen how much I have been doing and still has the cheek to make a comment like that!
Kama - I ran him a bath because I was upstairs (on Mumsnet) which is next to the bathroom and he was watching a film

OP posts:
luciemule · 11/02/2007 22:52

Hmmmm - reminds me of a time when my DH showed traces of what your's is doing (or not, as the case may be). I've now come to the conclusion that men believe that they can carry on as though they're single with no responsibilities, even though there are now children to care for. My DH would get home from work at 5:30, all sweaty from cycling home, not have shower straight away but log on to some car website whilst I entertained the kids (who had missed daddy a lot) and cooked tea! Then, five mins before I served up tea, he decided to go and have his shower (for 15 mins)! They can't sem to see the need for a balance like us girls can. In the end I sat him own and explained how it looked from my point of view and yes, I know I'm at home all day and chose to stay here to look after the kids but that perhaps he could surf once the kids were in bed etc etc. Finally it sank in and he started to help more and at times I needed him to. I Now he's away with army in Afghanistan and emails how much he misses bathtimes with the kids and entertaining the kids........he's going to have a shock when he gets back and finds out that I'm going to have one big long rest and let him crack on!

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 11/02/2007 22:57

luciemule - Sounds like your dh listened at least , if I were to broach the subject of him helping he would just scream at me that he puts the rubbish bags out once a week AND does dd's bottles everynight
Even during the week, he gets the train home from work and I pick him up from the station with ds and dd - at 5:45pm (when they should be eating, bathing and getting ready for bed) - last week I phoned him to say that I couldn't make it to get him as ds had fallen asleep and I was feeding dd - he went mental [hmmm] - I really don't know what to do with him, have tried to explain that his working day is from 6:30am-5:45pm and that mine is 24 hours but it just doesn't sink in

OP posts:
luciemule · 11/02/2007 23:41

Poor you - I really feel for you. Although my DH is a bit crap at helping around the house, he's really quite good with the kids and he does bath DD whilst I bath DS at the same time. Then he reads her a story and does her teeth. Does your DH show an interest in doing nice things for the kids or doesn't he do anything really? Would he not sit and cuddle your DD whilst reading a book to DS whilst you sort out tea? Perhaps if you began by asking him to do nice things with the kids, at least it'd give you a hand, even though you get the majority of boring stuff to do? Or maybe ask him to take DS to the cinema or playpark on a sat morning so it gives you a little break.
Would he have a loopy fit if you suggested a rota type set up? At least then, he couldn't say it wasn't equal. Or if there's no chanign him, could you afford to have someone clean for you once a week? Even if it was just to clean the bathroom and mop the kitchen floor - it'd be less pressure for you. Also, as your DD is so young, you could call the local college and ask if there is anyone who is doing their childcare placements near you. They come and act like a mother's help whilst doing their childcare practice. You shouldn't leave them with the children on their own but they can cook for the kids, wash and iron their clothes and provide you with someone to chat to and play with your DS. I keep promising myself I would enquire about it but haven't got around to it yet - but I really should.

wanderingstar · 12/02/2007 08:45

Mummy2..can you invent a reason, perhaps on a weekend when he's not at work, to be away for 12 hours or longer eg really ill relative quite far away, and just GO at short notice. Then ring to be picked up at 5.45pm from the station. Make sure in the days leading up to this that you've done no laundry, putting away of clothes , food shopping etc. Give him a hastily written casual note of food to be bought, washing done for children etc. and go away for a long day. Yes only a day but he might get the idea.

kimi · 12/02/2007 09:01

Give the toileta going over at once with his toothbush

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 12/02/2007 12:54

luciemule - some good ideas there - might give that a try.
wonderingstar - There would be absolutley no chance of me going away for 12 hours - I can't even have a bath for longer than 30 minutes anymore because he is asking where I am and what I am doing etc , we have had the discussion about the fact that he can come and go when he pleases (out 2/3 evenings a week) and I can't even have a bath but he doesn't see anything wrong with that. When I did work (before children) he did sometimes have to pick me up at the station, but he was coming straight from work and even then if I was more than 1 minute late he was on the phone shouting at me because he had to wait and he wanted to get home As far as leaving a note for him to do the washing - he doesn't know how the washing machine works or the cooker for that matter.

OP posts:
sibdoms · 12/02/2007 16:49

Mummy to T and F - well show him how to use them!Is he educationally subnormal? I wouldn't let my dh sit about watching a film at the weekend whilst I ran about after the kids. When he is home, you are BOTH responsible and you SHARE the work, giving you both enough time a)for some downtime and b)for some together time once the dcs are in bed. He is a neanderthal.And you do not have to be a skivvy. You need a serious chat and to divide the work up, otherwise you are going to be totally exhausted and resentful. It's not fair on the kids either.And you need some you time. It's incredibly controlling for him to not let you even have a bath. Who does he think he is?

DimpledThighs · 12/02/2007 17:07

oh just ignore him - he is in a bad mood - leave him to stew in his misery.

Be all bright and breezy and ask if he wants a cup of tea in a "your sulking attitude don't touch me boy" way and he will snap out of it.

don't know what id wring with them sometimes, think it is a manufacturers fault - they break down and go all moody sometimes. It seems to go away if you ignore it (the mood not the man!)

wanderingstar · 12/02/2007 17:11

Fair enough Mummy2...
...but you need to get through to him somehow that he's not pulling his weight. It's really hard with children the age yours are, if you feel their dad is just another child to look after. My first 2 were 21 m apart; I was and remain a sahm, while dh worked/works long hours. So I di lots alone BUT when he was around he'd definitely join in and do his bit. We now have 4, the youngest is 3 and a piece of work (!) but I definitely feel, although it's often exhausting, that dh and I are singing from the same hymn sheet.

Somehow you need to get yours to do the same. Would showing him, in black and white, a typical timetable of your day (eg your 1st post !) do the trick ?