Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

Don't ask. Tell.

Tell him you are going out. Don't apologise for things that are beyond your control. And, when he starts to scream and rave at you, refuse to discuss it any more, and completely cut him off. Literally say "I am not discussing this subject any more" and then don't.

You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do.

Exactly Colditz!

Look, I know this approach works, because I am a ranter, a raver, a door-kicker and a blamer. And if I am completely ignored... well, there's really not a lot one can do about that, is there?!

Right - bottles done and tea made, have woken him up aswell, of course he shouted because it was 11:30 and I shouldn't have let him sleep that long [dispearing(sp?) emotion]LOL at wife swap
I have ignored him before and refused to go into it (infact most times I don't retaliate, just tell him how silly he sounds)but he has a habit of following me round the house shouting at me or coming right up to my face shouting so that it is nearly impossible to ignore.

Go to bathrrom and lock the door, or leave the house. If he follows you down the street shouting at you, someone will probably call the Police!

You are in a crappy situation, I really do feel for you, but I feel you could perhaps take a little more control of your life back from him? It must be hard to have to battle over everything, but I think maybe if you lay some basic rules (I will leave you company if you scream at me) he will have to behave a little better to get what he wants.

Do you see what I am getting at or am I making no sense?

colditz - You are making sense, I really do see what you are saying and Thank You for chatting to me about all of this - I just really don't like the conflict and with the dc's being so young, TBH I am too tired to be shouted at all the time - it really wears you down and too tired to make any sort of worthwhile stand. I have decided though that I am going to see how tomorrow pans out and maybe have a chat tomorrow evening "calmly" and ask him to go back and see the doctor, if he admits that he is out of order (as he did a few years ago) then that is the first step.

M2TaF. I have been following your posts with interest, your husband seems a lot worse than mine was and tbh I really don't understand why you are not considering having some time apart. I know it is scary, but whilst you are allowing your husband to dictate your life, nothing will ever get better.

You need to ask yourself the reasons you want to save your relationship and, with your husband's volatile behaviour, is it possible? My husband really didn't "get it" until me and his DD were no longer in his life day to day.

When the relationship has got to this stage, especially with someone so uncommunicative and moody, it's often actions, rather than words that are the only way to get your point across. Also this needs to be nipped in the bud before your children start to learn that their parents unequal relationship is acceptable.

I really feel for you and I hope that you can see a way forward because until you make a decision of action, nothing will change. Unfortunately that is the way things are.

hi mummy 2. 1 handed typing as feeding dd2.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell him you're going out as you do everything else and deserve a break. Tell him you'll be back when you god damn well feel like it and turn your phone off.
Well done for the picking him up thing. stick to it though or he'll never believe anything you say.
I'm so sorry you let him treat you like that.
What would you do if someone else did that to you?
I know this is long but I'm so furious for you after catching up with yesterday's thread.
Am ranting on your behalf.
First you can write as much as you like, you aren't boring me tfs.
2nd are you his mother or his wife.
Cos sorry but it's not up to you to wake him if he falls asleep, how unreasonable to say you shouldn't have let him sleep that long. Does he think you monitor his every move.
3rd if he thinks you live in a tramps house he should f**king get off his arse and help. Next time he says something like that, hand him the vaccuum.
4th, I have done that at the petrol station, but only at a small one where I could see them at all times. Totally unreasonable of him to say that to you. Aaaaaaaaaaargh, I 2nd colditz, I want to pan your h round the head with a skillet.

Know you'll hate me after this rant but I just think you deserve more. He goes out 2/3 times a week so why can't you. Have you asked him that. They are his kids too or has he forgotten that little point. Gets all holier than thou when you leave them in the car but wont do anything else.

Hope you read this to the end. feel better now

Me again-apologies in advance.
Good idea about the talk tonight, but think you should add on the end, "because I can't go on like this, I wont go on like this. I told you at the beginning that I would leave you if you don't sort it. You have 1 month to get back on meds, sort your f**king act out, or me and the kids are gone."
Then while his mouth is hanging open, walk away, somewhere he can't follow, as per colditz suggestions, and let him think about it.
If he doesn't do anything over subsequent days, behave as though you're making plans to leave. ie, papers with housing pages open, get the suitcases out of storage, etc
P.S. I have a recorder, will check it works and send it to you, if it does. It's pretty old.

Thanks again everyone for your messages - hearing all your points of view makes me remember how I felt when all of this first started happening - I should have done more to stamp it out then instead of just letting it slip back (but I haven't been able to devote so much time since the dc's) We are getting a dvd out tonight so it should be a calm evening - still haven't thought about what to do for dinner though and it's 12:00 , so I had better get that sorted then after we have eaten and I have put the dc's to bed I am going to ask him if he would go back to the doctors, I am going to stress that even if I don't mean enough to him for him to do it for me then at least he should do it for the dc's

good for you mummy2 - sounds like you've cleared your head a bit and thought about things. Nice that you've got a DVD for tonight - let's hope you're DH doesn't tell you not to talk through it! I always get told off for talking through films!!!
Band of Mothers is right though - if he thinks your never to challenge him, he'll remain the same but if you show him you're going to do something about it, he'll see that he has to change his behaviour.

Well it's started already this evening so much for the nice evening I was looking forward to
I said to dh this morning when he phoned to ask me what I was doing today that I might go up to the shopping centre near his work and that if I did, I would collect him from work (because I would have been there) - it was left that I would let him know if I was defn doing that. I have had a really bad day with the dc's today and have got hardly anything done. Ds finally fell asleep at 4:00pm and my mum popped in - she didn't leave unitl 5:07 and ds had only just woken up! I started to get him ready to leave to go to the station (I know, I know I said I wasn't going to pick him up from the station anymore) but he was really throwing a paddy - he didn't want his coat/shoes etc on! The my mobile rang - it was dh, the first thing he said was "where the fing hell are you" - I said that I was trying to get ds dressed to get to the station and he said he was waiting outside his work and that I was useless because he would have to run to catch his train now because I couldn't sort my life out enough to get to his work. I continued to rush ds to get ready and put dd in her carseat when he phoned again - "where r you?" I told him I was trying to leave the house but that he kept phoning - he said that if I wasn't at the station when he got there he was not going to be responisble for his vocab - When I got to the station (I was 2 cars away form the station) he was walking up the road and got in the car and then shouted the whole 15 minute drive home, critisizing the way I drive and insulting me - I started crying silently but he saw a tear and that made him worse - he said that if I couldn't get organized enough to get to him on time then I should have the guts to say sorry and admit it was my fault that he lost his temper and I asked him to go to the doctors because there was a serious problem. He refused and said if I didn't like it he would leave. I said "Okay then - leave because I can't take it anymore" - at some point he threatened to punch my face in Have to go now but will try to get back later - sorry again for long post

What. A. Bastard.

mummy2 leave him or chuck him out now , it is only a matter of time befor ehe hits you. you are effectively a single parent anyway, you could easily cope on your own .

Message withdrawn

He will hit you and your children will see it.

Hello mummy2 - he needs to leave whilst you sort it out. You need to stay in the house because of the children.
Ask yourself - do you love him enough? Do you and the children want to live like this for the rest of your life if he doesn't change? What would it be like if you stay?
Hope you can be strong until you work out what to do.

I have read this thread for the past couple of days and had to post. I am worried about you and your safety. As others have said you are effectively a single parent already, with the extra burden of having a spoilt child to look after.
You need time apart from him, ask him to leave or pack some stuff for him tomorrow when he is at work. He needs professional help and you could do with some counselling.
The way things are it's not much of a marriage is it? You're just his skivvy and he appears to have no respect for you. Is there any friends/family you can talk to who will offer you support, emotionally and practically?
Very concerned for you, please get help.

Hi everyone - sorry to rush off earlier but I just popped on to vent! After I posted I went down and cooked dinner (I was only going to make some for ds but I had already done a lasagne) and dh and I haven't spoken yet. I have just put dd to bed now, so will wait for her to settle properly and then try to attempt to speak to him. I know that I can't go on like this - I am so low atm I don't want to be a sad mummy for the dc's and I try to forget it during the day (except when dh phones and shouts) - I can't talk to my parents or my sister really. I have a bf who has known dh as long as I have (she was there the night we met) and I can normally talk to her but she had a baby on Sunday by c-section and I don't want to burden her wih my problams when she already has enough to deal with. I am going round to her tomorrow afternoon though, so it is bound to come out. I know that it sounds like I am in physical danger but I am not - as I have said before he always says stupid things like that when he is ranting but he doesn't even know he has said them, I am sure that he would have hit me before now if he was going to, he has had 11 years! - Tonight I am going to tell him to book a doctors appointment tomorrow for ASAP and that if he is not prepared to do that for us, then I am not prepared to have him near us

hi mummy2
You really sound like you're going in the right direction and you also sound like you mean it. The doctors is a good step, if he agrees, especially as you said the meds worked well before.

luciemule - I do mean it - whether we will actually get to have a conversation without him shouting is another matter - but if he does that will just prove my point further. Oh, I wish I had the dictaphone - it is easier to tape this sort of thing because I know I am going to talk to him rather than just trying to turn it on quickly when he starts IYSWIM. Wish me luck

Lots of good luck being sent to you from me! I really hope it can work out for you - it's awful to think that someone has to consider their options when a marriage isn't going well but one way or another, you'll decide the best thing for you, your husband and your children. Take care - I'm off for an early valentines night alone (DH in Afghanistan still).

Mummy2 - good for you for coming to a decisions. I am new to MN and I have been reading your posts and I am quite concerned about the violence you and your DC's are surrounded by. If he does not want help, you need to get out. I don't want to read about you in the paper (spousal abuse gone wrong).

I am thinking about you and hope you and your DC's will be safe.

thank you TerraCloud - I know that the verbal abuse needs to stop but as I have said before we are not under any threat of physical violence, I know that I should be srtonger but please believe me that if there was the slightest hint of anything physical - I would be out with the dc's quick smart. Have still not managed to talk to him yet - everytime I try he says "just don't talk to me" and then walks out I will keep trying and if I can't get through to him this evening I will mention it at bed time or in the morning - It needs to be sorted!

Controlling men are often angry as well.

You are in both an abusive and controlling relationship.

Would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Verbal violence is just as damaging to both you and the children as physical.

Did you book a GP appointment for him?