Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

Yes, us being apart is better for her (and me), although he is finding this much harder to accept than me. Despite the fact that I have lost everything and now live with my parents again at 30 something. He He, however, has a new flat (that cost as much as our old three bed detatched house) and has booked a 3 week hoilday to Cuba in August.

Constantly says he is skint (he does pay maintenance though) and is spending bucket loads because he just "doesn't care any more". I am torn between feeling sorry for him and disbelief lol!!

He's probably finding it harder because he knows that he caused it to happen, and knows it's too late. Must be hard to realise that he might still have you if he'd changed sooner.
It's a funny thing. My mum broke up with someone cos he could be rather grumpy and snippy, etc. After a while they became very close but just as friends, and he treated her much better than when they were a couple.
Truth is you don't treat your friends that way, cos you know they wont put up with it, yet people treat those they're supposed to love most that way.
Sad.

Hello all , Well today started well, I got up with the dc's and got us all washed, dressed, fed, cleaned the oven and the downstairs toilet, put the slow cooker on for our dinner and put another load of washing in, ready to go to the library at 2:15 - I decided that I was going to go into town before hand to spend a £10 D/Perkins gift voucher that I got for Christmas Before I left I had a phone call from my mum who told me that she has been thinking about me and feels that I need to be stricter with ds and that if he gets accepted to a nursery or pre-school he would probably be excluded because he is very independant and only listens to a "no" sometimes - FFS he is only just 2!! Mum had upset me so I phoned dh for some reassurance but he shouted and said that he didn't want to hear anything my family had to say and he hung up on me - I left for the library and had a call on my mobile from dh, he did actually say sorry for hanging up and asked me to get some soft bread for him so he can have sarnies at work for the rest of the week. The song time at the library was good ds enjoyed himself and after that we went into town (got too delayed before hand) Ds & Dd fell asleep at the same time, so I bought myself 2 tops with the voucher and sat and had a cookie and a drink in a coffee shop - I was just about to leave town to go to pick up dh from the station when dd woke up and wanted her feed, so I fed and changed her and then got us all back into the car to leave to get ds. His train gets in at 5:36pm - the traffic was quite bad and I was running a bit late so at 5:42(I checked) dh was on the phone shouting that he was cold and that I should leave in enough time to get him, I put the phone down on him as I was driving. When I got to the station I told him dd needed feeding and there was traffic but he said that I always blamed someone/something else and that I should just be there - I told him that he would have to make his own way home for the rest of the week but I don't think he believed me......... Oh no, I am really sorry for another long post - I am sure that you don't really want to hear about my daily activities lizziemum - I have thought about recording him actually, I have been looking on Ebay for a cheap dictaphone, but they seem quite a lot of money - I agree with you that I think he would be shocked if he heard himself back. Sorry again for the long post

Hi Mummy 2 - how was your day and was DH any better?

Hi Mummy 2 - sounds like your day, although eventful - was a little better in terms of DH. It was ggod that you put him straight on the being picked up from work thing - it'll give him something to think about! Do you feel that you have to do that much housework each day or do you think it'll build up if you don't? You should worry less about dusting etc and treat yourself to some free time, even if it's just slobbing in front of tv with kids and watching Cbeebies! (I often end up doing that).

Mummy2TandF, good on you for standing up to him a little.

Good idea to record him.

Don't pick him up for the rest of the week. Make him walk. He took you for granted when he told you you should "Just be there". Why should you? Because he says so? Is his time so much more important than yours? Are his needs so much more important than those of his children?

I am outraged at your husband, and while being aware that this would solve nothing, I want to biff him.

It's hard to know what the answer is really - Mummy 2 T and F, you must be so exhausted just trying to keep DH from getting angry and flying off the handle. It's mentally knackering trying to keep someone happy all the time. You're supposed to be allowed to speak your mind only your DH puts you down so much.

luciemule - It drives me mad doing that much housework - especially as since dd has been born ds has to come everywhere with me, so things take 10x as long. Plus dh has been known to say that we live in a tramps house and that I should get up off my fat lazy ase if I have left things for a day or so. He has already had a go this evening because ds was looking at dh's dvd's this morning when I was changing our bedsheets and I must have forgotton to put them back ont he shelf .... Oh and I forgot to say I made the mistake of telling dh that as it was pouring with rain earlier and I needed petrol that I left the dc's in the car while I went to pay (I have never* done this before and I made sure that I could see them at all times, and the cue was only short)- Dh lost it! - he said that if anything had happened to them he would never forgive me, I asked him if he thought I would ever forgive myself if anything were to happen and doesn't he think that I would feel bad enough already and he said that he wouldn't care and that he would blame me entirely - he said that if I dared do it again I would see what would happen? - which is fair I suppose but I don't thiink there was a need for the lecture, they are my dc's as well and I would never intentially put them in danger!

Sorry - am doing it again - waffling - will try not to do it in future, but it does help to get it all out somewhere

Me and my DH had exactly the same conversation about the petrol station only actually it was me saying not to leave them in the car! He said it was safer to leave them in the car and that we were more likely to be hit by cars driving out and in than by someone stealing the kids/car or a fire trapping them (my theories). It turned out to be a frequent argument but don't worry - they are your kids and there will be times when you have to take slight risks and the petrol thing isn't one of them.
I just looked at your photos (I'm not stalking you don't worry) and saw your wedding photo - you both looked so happy.
When you're DH is in a good mood, couldn't you ask him to have the kids for a whole day and say you've been invited out by a friend for the day - just so he has to help look after the kids? Perhaps he'll really enjoy it and realise what you have to do each day - whilst he works wihtout the constant demand of kids and where he can have regular coffee breaks etc! What does he do by the way?

Mummy2tandf

Why do you feel uncomfortable confronting him with the way he speaks to you?

TBH, you're like a single mum at the moment - apart from the fact your husband is there (if only in body and not in any other helpful way). He should realise that he's wasting precious time and missing out on his kids growing up if he doesn't spend time helping you out around the home so you all have quality family time together when the jobs are finished.

luciemule - The girls I used to work with text me today and asked if I fancied a meet up on Thursday evening, I really would like to go but have mentioned it to dh and he completely ignored me - when I said can I go, he said I could but I would have to go after the dc's were in bed (dd is only 13 weeks and still doesn't go down until about 10:00pm) so it's not worth it And leaving him with them for a whole day would be unthinkable.
colditz - I don't like conflict and I am really uncomfortable when he shouts at me, that is why I only bring the temper thing up occasionaly and that I make sure he is calm when I do - but even then it is my fault for starting a row over it

Your man souinds as though he is making you a scapegoat for all his unresolved emotional crap! poor you.

with two dd's the same age as yours I sweep the kitchen floor every day and we're having a good week if i manage to do a bit of hoovering once a week... , i dont know how you do it all.

Have you ever gone on strike?

I stopped doing h's washing and only do it now if he asks nicely!

Him saying it is your fault doesn't make it so.

When you don't challange him on the way he treats you, in his mind that means it's ok, and you don't mind. You need to challange him.

Well, frankly you need to leave him, but whichever you do, you cannot bring your children up like this.

And him moaning about the mess does not mean you have to clean constantly.

I feel quite strongly that you will never ever truly please this man.

bellarosa - If I went on strike I would never get back on top of it again - please don't get me wrong, my house is not a "show house" by any stretch of the imagination, my mum still says she doesn't know how I can go out when there is ironing to do but I need to keep my sanity somehow.

Good idea Bellarosa - stop doing his work shirts or something - that should do it!
I feel so sorry for you M2T&F. Instead of asking him if you can go out with your friends, perhaps tell him when you're going and say you'll leave bottles, nappies etc and that you'll not be back too late. Then go out whilst DD is still up and just walk out the door and say you're off. He won't ignore the children - once you're not there - he'll just cope, I'm sure.

Ah, if you are cleaning to please yourself that is very different

Have done that before we had dd - I went out for the evening and left him with ds (who was about 6 months at the time) - He phoned me 5 times during the night and then had a go at me when I got in because I was 30mins later than I said I would be - even though I had called to say the trains were delayed!

It looks as though as soon as you give him scope to do so (not that you're to blame), he denies you what you want and he knows he can because you tend to back down so he doesn't go off on one. He's soooo controlling!

Tell him a time when you're coming back only tell him a later time and then come back earlier - that'll surprise him!

Right - have been on here ages now and I can hear dh sleeptalking from the sofa - I am off to do dd's bottles now - will pop back later before bed

Do you know what - you should apply to go on Channel 4's Wife Swap! Then if he gets a woman who doesn't do anything around the home, he'll be well shocked!!!