Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

Hi all, I have now ordered the book Why does he do that, inside the mind of angry and controlling men. I got it from Ebay (we have seperate accounts on there) I have been looking for it on there but it has only just become available. I think I will give the other book a miss for a while as this one seems more relevant
For the 1st time ever yesterday dh had a pop at me for spending money He has never done that before, I went shopping and bought myself some perfume (first thing I have bought myself for ages) and when he came home I asked him if he liked the smell because I had treated myself and he said "I thought we didn't have any money, how much did you watse on that" .... I couldn't even be bothered to carry on the conversation because it would have blown up

Aww..you work as well don't you? I can't understand why you're not allowed to treat yourself once in while.

has your mum been anymore help to you recently? PLease do talk to her again and see if you can confide about your situation.
What would you do if this was your dd in 25 years time?

mumto3girls - I know ... I have said the same thing to dh about dd, I said that she could end up with somebody who treats her the way he treats me, or maybe even worse and what would he do then. Can you believe he sais that he wouldn't allow it so he does know what he does is wrong. Am still waiting for my book though

Any sign of book? Any use?

Hiya, That's funny, just came upstairs to post - The book arrived yesterday and it is defn an eye opener reading it! Although all of the resources it gives are in America - I phoned dh today to tell him that I had a flat tyre (as he works in a car garage, thought he might be able to bring one home) and got an earful that I had driven the car home once I realised there was a flat, he said that I should have changed the tyre for the spare there and then, which is harder than it sounds with the 2 dc's with me and not the first idea on how to change a tyre and that now I have probably ruined the wall of the tyre etc and caused unecessary damage! Since he got home from work he has eaten hiis dinner and DH has been on the settee asleep (since 7:30pm) I have AGAIN done all of his jobs, well making dd's bottle, just to save an argument. I woke him twice to say that I had made him a cup of tea but he didn't wake up. He has just now woken up and had a go at me because I "could have told him that I had made tea" so I didn't enter into a conversation because it would have been a row + then he said "Why are you reading this crappy book anyway?, do you really think that I am abusive?" I said yes I did but the title of the book was inside the mind of angry and controlling men and he said that He wasn't a liar and the front of the book said abusive men (it was in the small print, I hadn't realised) He then said that I had better go to bed if he was abusive incase he beats me So much for the book making him think about things Am off to bed now so Take Care

I think the point of the book is not to make HIM think about things - he isn't going to change by suddenly seeing such a title lying around the house and thinking "oh my god I'm abusive"...It's to make YOU think about things and whether you are prepared to continue to allow him to behave like this. I know all the resources are in America but there is a website based in this country called Hidden Hurt It has a section on verbal abuse.

Also bear in mind the term "abusive" doesn't just refer to physical violence - the whole point of your situation is that it's mental, emotional and verbal abuse, which are now all taken seriously in this country. Women's Aid type places help with this as well as violence and don't regard it as unimportant. He is deliberately being obtuse about the "abusive" part of the title. And he isn't going to change his spots.

As I say it's up to you to work out why you put up with it, whether you are going to carry on, and what effect it is having on the children long term. YOU must read the book - not him. Not all of it is going to describe your situation, but the principles are all there, whether based in the US or here.

End of sermon!

Actually re-reading my post I don't think he's actually being deliberately obtuse about the abuse part of the title. He probably genuinely doesn't see himself as an abuser and probably thinks that because he doesn't actually hit you then he's OK.

One of the characteristics of people like this is that they don't think that they are at all in the wrong, but that rather the person they are verbally abusing has provoked them into it.

I think you are unlikely to get any apologies or realisation that what he does in unacceptable and abnormal. Unfortunately it'll be up to you to change things cos he sure as heck won't.

Mummy2, can you actually look at him and not want to scratch his eyes out. Don't you see him and just want to leave.
What do you think when you look at him??

Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells and wondering if he'll change???

He WON'T change, he is an arse (being polite)

I can't believe you haven't reached the point where you'll do anything to get away from him, he seems to have no redeeming qualities. Is he ever nice to you?? Does he ever think of you, or the kids???
He is so selfish I am amazed he hasn't alienated every single person he knows.

I stumbled across this thread yesterday and it has made me so depressed...

My sister lives with a man whose behaviour sounded very similar to this. we (her family) only knew this because she used to live with my brother who heard him talking to her extremely badly before she moved out.

Last september we discovered, after she confided in my brothers gf, that he had smashed a glass and stuck it in her arm during an argument. After that it was like the floodgates opened and some of her (now alienated) friends told us of episodes of him strangling her so badly she had to have 3 days off work till the bruising disappeared, abandoning her in the middle of nowhere in the early hours...etc.

Sadly, she will not hear a word against him, and has tried to say everyone is telling lies about him and so on. She is actually so downtrodden she seems to think if she is better around the house then it will somehow change him and things will get better.

We have tried everything to make her realise she is strong enough to put a stop to this but it is like she has been brainwashed.

The police have told us to make sure she has a safety plan in place, and to encourage her to report him for the throttling as that would be classed as attempted murder.

There has never been any violence in our family so this is not something she has learned is 'ok'.

I think there is an element of her not wanting to admit defeat and leave him - and not wanting to admit to everyone else that she has stayed for this.

Mummy2 - this is exactly the kind of behaviour my sister's partner displayed - it does become physical in the end. Do not fool yourself.

We are now in the position of supporting her and trying to bolster her self confidence so that she feels able to turn to us when things eventually do become so bad that she leaves. We've been advised that this is all we can do now.

It's like standing back and waiting for him to try and kill her....and hoping she eventually wakes up. Being so helpless is the most horrific feeling.

Please do not wait for these things to start happening to you. Tell your family or someone you trust to give you good advice and who will support you in making the decision to leave.

This is from the women's aid site Why doesn't she leave him?

Bandof - Sorry to make you leave the thread - I know that this must be frustrating for you all to keep reading. Crotchety - Thank you for all your links, you have been so helpfull. Well, I have read the book and also ended up reading out bits and bobs of it to dh - I told him that the book says that in their eyes abusers are justified in thier actions and therefore can't see anything wrong in their behaviour, even when other people tell them .... he seemed to take it in, I also told him that I was not prepared to let this affect the children and that he would have to go if he didn't make moves to change his behaviour - I know that I have said this before but he never listens! Even this time he said "If you find me somewhere to live I will go" ... I asked him why he could never take any responsibility for himself but could always dish out his demands and orders, to which I got no reply. The book has helped me because it explains the way his mind is working, so therefore enables me to deal with it differently, it also gives advice on how they can change (if they want to) so dh and I are going to work through the 13 steps they mention. To be fair he has been really good since this incident with the book - even agreed to come to dinner at my mums without having an argument about it or making an excuse (for the first time in 11yrs) so heres hoping - and I am sorry to annoy you all but it really does help for me to post on here.

I'm really glad the book is helping, and that it's giving you some resources to deal with your situation in a new way and that it's empowering you to make changes.

I'd be interested to see if he keeps up his reformed behaviour. As you say, they can only change if they actually want to. Otherwise you have to accept that nothing you do or say will change him, or make any difference, and you have to cut your losses and end the relationship. Let's hope he genuinely wants to change and gets through the 13 points.

Fantastic that you stopped walking on eggshells and confronted him on his lack of responsibility and his constant handing out of criticism and orders. Well done for getting this far and for having the strength to tackle him.

But don't get lulled into a false sense of security - he has either got to get a grip or go. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt for too long - you are at crisis point.
I'm sure the book has something to say about those who manage to behave better for a while because they think it'll get them what they want, but then slip right back into their old ways. Is there any improvement on the complete lack of help with the DCs and the housework?

I know it's easy to get frustrated with people who are obviously in a disfunctional relationship and yet don't leave. Believe me I have seen this at close quarters. I know there are a lot of reasons why people put up with abuse, of whatever variety. But it sounds to me like you may be starting to find your way out of the fog - I do hope so.
Keep posting.

How's it going?

Thank you both for thinking of me - I will try to post tomorrow and update you - not long been in from work and put the dc's to bed and am off to Tescos now before it closes

So - any progress? (It's Crotchety here by the way)

Katisha

I think you need to look here.

Unfortunley Mummy2TandF DH had died.

Feeling depressed : Don't know what to do

i have just read ther whole thread from the start and just reached your message sorry to appear dim but what does it mean

Lizzie - I've been following this thread but I don't know what you mean. ?

I'm afraid this is what Lizzie means.

Right OK LIzzie- no I hadn't seen that. What a shock.

Just when he'd started to behave decently too - how very unfair life can be. Goes to show it's a good thing she didn't leave him because she'd be torn with guilt now to add to the misery. As it is she did everything right and has now some happy memories of the nice man he could be, which may be some comfort when the shock dies down.

Hi, i have just read your other thread and now know what misery you are in. I am so sorry for you but i have been on a roller coaster of emotions tonight. I started reading the bereavement section tonight as i lost my sister in January this year to cancer. I stumbled accross your other thread and could not stop reading as you seemed so much like my sister and her life. I was already to post life is for living and move one when i now realise what has happened. I have hated my brother-in law for many years for they way he treated my sister but he is now left to bring up his two children with our help and doing not a bad job. My sister loved him although we could not believe what she was coping with. Like mums net she used to confide in me and my other sister but would not have a bad word said against her husband. I miss my sister so much and feel a life has been wasted for all these years of unhappy times so i would like to ask you to grab every chance you have in the future when times get better to enjoy life as you deserve. I wish it was my sister that had the chance and you sound so similar. Take care and i hope you are not affended by my comments.

Just thought I would say basl that we can all learn from other people's mistakes so thankyou for posting about your late sister and her life.

[hug]