Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

alipiggie - Oh am sorry to hear that , hope you are getting through things okay though. I could understand it if his mum used to do everything for him but she did nothing - she once told me that she had not picked up a hoover since her youngest child was born ..... 33 years ago FIL does everything - maybe that is why dh is the way he is, scared of being a doormat like his dad

If he screamed at you in front of a wedding party, I'd leave him.

has he ever hit you?

I think there are mothers who do as much as you - my mum was one, my best friend is one, I am not - but what makes this different and unacceptable is that he isn't grateful, and worse, that he's the opposite of grateful. If your division of labour works for you both - and you sound brilliant at it - there's no real reason you should feel embarrassed about doing so much or exploited. BUT when he's disrespectful, ungrateful, demanding, and doesn't appreciate that the share you're taking on is NOT standard and that you're very unselfish, generous and hard working, there is a real problem. Find a time when he's in a good mood, so it doesn't turn into a defensive argument. Then explain patiently and nicely and try not to get angry, try not to give way, try not to sound apologetic. But also try not to stack it up as a list of why you're hard done to - instead, talk about your feelings, and why you're not going to continue to accept that treatment.

What's his excuse for the way he talks to you?
Sorry if that sounded harsh, but don't you think you deserve better?
Cos I think you do.

bandofmothers - over the 11 years I have tried ignoring him when he shouts, walking away and shouting back - nothing really works, when he is on one he is on one and that is the end of it - He just screams hurtful things and insults, so there is nothing really to shout back at.

Message withdrawn

i think you need to get him to relate, and if he won't go I would leave.

Mine used to threaten to leave, until I stopped trying to talk him out of it afterwards. I said ok bye. He never went, and he doesn't do it any more.

What do you think he'd say if you said you were leaving and explained why or do you think it would backfire and he's say ok -go then.

No - he has never hit me, I wouldn't stand for that!
He doesn't have an excuse for the way he speaks to me - he doesn't even know he is doing it half of the time And when he is shouting he just says that it is me ... I wind him up. I tell him time and time again that it is normal for people to argue but not for them to be spoken to or called names the way he does to me, but he take no notice
He doesn't even know how hurtful he has been during arguments as if I mentioned what he has called me later on, he doesn't believe me - his temper takes over control of his mouth I think without engaging his brain first

MummytoTandF

Has he ever hit you? I know it's an awful question to aSK, BUT HE REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THE TYPE oops sorry!

sorry, x posted

You know, next time he goes off on one, pack him a bag and tell him to come back when he can be civil. My H tried to kick me and our two young boys out, I threatened to ring the police that stopped him. We should not be treated like this.

Ok, but do you think it is better to be repeatedly verbally abused?

I feel sorry in my heart for you. I really do, you sound so unhappy.

He may not physically hit you but words can do just as much damage to you psychologically.
Do you really want to be with him?
And to echo someone else's q, what are his good points?

Before we got married I told him that I would end the relationship unless he would go and see someone about the temper issues, he agreed and the dr said that he had problems releasing adrenaline properly and put him on Seroxat - he stopped taking them saying that he didn't want to take pills all his life and that they didn't make a difference but he was a different person when taking them - even all our friends commented. After we were married he slipped back again and I suppose what with the dc's and everything, I have let it get back to this stage through lack of time and tiredness. During the last big row - I told him to leave and that it was my choice to put up with his behaviour and temper but the children can't decide so I won't subject them to it! He said that I wouldn't be able to bring up the kids on my own and was shocked when I said that I do already!

Alip, good suggestion. Or pack you and the kids up and threaten to leave. You can't make him go and are red faced if he just refuses, but he can't stop you from going.
Then do it.
Sometimes they need to think you really will leave to realise how serious you are!

I'd write him a letter explaining everything how you feel and post it to him at work - so you're not there when he reads it.

Good for you!
Then what happened???

Can't you get him to go back to the doc's - 11 years is a long time and they might be able to do something more for him now that's more effective.

His good points - I am sitting here in tears now, everything seems so clear cut when it is in black and white - but all his good points seem to be in the past We used to laugh sooo much together, and he was generous ( although he has never had a lot he would give you his last penny IYSWIM) And if he did lose his temper he used to break down in tears and apologise but now he doesn't even say sorry - it's just left for me to pick myself up and convince myself that he didn't mean it

Does he do it to the kids, or just in front of them?

Are you worried he'll come in?

I asked him last week (when he was calm) if he would go to the doctors - I even said if he wouldn't do it for my sake would he do it for the sake of the dc's. He seems to be in complete denial that his temper is a problem and thinks he is justified in flying off - he said that he wouldn't go back to the doctors