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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - DH is driving me mad!

425 replies

Mummy2TandF · 11/02/2007 22:12

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

OP posts:
luciemule · 12/02/2007 22:41

You've got a 13 week old DD, perhaps you should go and run a bath and then go to bed and sleep. You'll wake up feeling a bit more refreshed in the morning. You're doing so well with two little children and so much stress on top of it all.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 12/02/2007 22:44

bandofmothers - he doesn't really do it to the kids, he doesn't have a lot of patience but he can't stop himself from going off if they are there - and that's what is getting to me more at the moment. If I calmly tell him to calm down I just make it worse - So much for my OP but it is all connected, this is why I don't feel like I can make him help out around the house, it is just easier to do it myself and keep serenity in the house

OP posts:
colditz · 12/02/2007 22:44

He's getting worse, not better. How much worse can he get? Can you do another 11 years?

And yes, agree that you should go to bed, you must be wrung out.

colditz · 12/02/2007 22:46

So, by abusing you in front of the children, he ensures that you will run rings around him.

I would print off this thread and put it in an envelope, and give it to him as he leaves the house tomorrow.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 12/02/2007 22:46

Must be bad - am being sent to bed , I really must go though, have to make dd's bottles etc

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 12/02/2007 22:48

but the house is not serene, you are a mess of pent up rage and it has to go somewhere.
What happened when you told him to leave and that you were already raising them alone?

luciemule · 12/02/2007 22:48

night night and hope you feel a little better in the morning.

happybiggirl · 12/02/2007 22:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 12/02/2007 23:00

Well - I went down to make the bottles and he has done them and made me a cup of tea but then he said to let him know if I was getting him a V.day card so he could get me one but that really he thinks it is all a big con!
bandofmothers - he said that he wouldn't leave!
I am going to do something nice tomorrow - am taking the dc's to a new story and rhyme time at the local library, all 3 of us should enjoy that

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 12/02/2007 23:02

Don't get him one, he doesn't deserve it. [sulk]
Where do you live, if you don't mind my asking

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 12/02/2007 23:04

Oh no! - I don't know you in RL do I I am in Essex

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 12/02/2007 23:05

No, am in East mids, just wondered.
Wanted to buy you a coffee.

BandofMothers · 12/02/2007 23:06

Plus my library does a thing on tue morn

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 12/02/2007 23:06

ah bless you , phew glad I don't really know you though, I have given quite a bit away

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 12/02/2007 23:08

I really am going now - better go and drink the tea that dh has made me. Night night

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 12/02/2007 23:11

Well. It's late. I have to go to bed.
I'm glad I came on this thread tonight.
I think you need to think about you for a change, and the lo's. He's a grown man, and you shouldn't have to run around after him, esp just to keep him from blowing up at you.
He has no respect for you if he treats you like that, esp i public. Have some respect for yourself and give him an ultimatum.
If he doesn't like it he should be more considerate.
Good Luck.
And keep in touch on MN.

wanderingstar · 12/02/2007 23:26

MummyT talk to us tomorrow . Good night !

DimpledThighs · 13/02/2007 08:16

How are you sweets?

BandofMothers · 13/02/2007 08:53

Have fun this morning at the story time.
Am going out for the day, but will check in later. Hope you're on and feeling better.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 13/02/2007 09:53

Thanks for your messages everybody The story and rhyme time is at 2:15, so I think after doing the housework I will pop into town first and then go to the library - at least I will get a parking space this way. Will post again later

OP posts:
luciemule · 13/02/2007 14:35

Hello Mummy 2 - hope you're day has been a little less fraught and that the library story thing was enjoyable.
I was thinking - do you and your husband enjoy anything together, ie - cinema/bowling etc? Because perhaps you could get a regular, responsible babysitter once a week/fortnight and do something together on your own. Would he enjoy that? Because unless you're seriously considering leaving him, surely you'll have to resolve his behaviour together and work on it so that he DOES change for the better?
Not to depress you further but my nan had the same treatment from my grandfather all her life and eventually she left him for nearly a year and went to live with my mum. He was soooooo shocked but she just couldn't live like it any longer. After 8 months she went back to him under her strict terms and conditions but then about 1 year later, he died. She was glad she went back and misses him dreadfully now but sometimes you have to be apart to realise what you have or haven't got. And if you're not going to be apart, something has to give on his part. Hope this hasn't upset you more??!!

sibdoms · 13/02/2007 15:16

Mummy 2 - thinking about you, how has your day been so far? Have you made any resolutions about how to handle this situation?

Rocklover · 13/02/2007 16:49

My husband was very much the same to me, very volatile and a lazy bugger, he also had major temper control issues. The main problem was that I wasn't working (should have been I know) and had our first baby to deal with, but the way he treated me made me feel so low, I just couldn't cope with a job.

Anyway, he resented me so much for putting us under financial pressure (although I did do some P/T work) that he just got lazier and meaner. In the end he said he wanted to end it expecting me to beg him not to. But i was so fed up of being sworn at and screamed at whenever I tried to talk to him I was bloody relieved.

I am gald we are not together anymore, funny thing is we get on so much better now and he is very repentant for the way he treated me. He wants me back, but it's too late, there is only so much abuse a person can take. We have both learned from this, but I feel very guilty about my daughter being from a "broken" home.

BandofMothers · 13/02/2007 17:49

RL, think your daughter is probably happier when you're apart and being nice to each other than together and him treating you like that.
Plus, if you'd stayed you would've been teaching her that it's ok for men to treat women like that.
I'm sure you know that though!

lizziemun · 13/02/2007 17:59

Mummy2TandF

Just a thought, could you record him when he has lost his temper (ob don't put yourself at risk) and play it back to him when is calm. He may realy not realise how bad he is. It may be enough for him to how he is behaving.