Help - DH is driving me mad!

[Mummy2TandF]

My Day so far:- Woke up at 6:30am with ds (2) and dd (13 weeks), fed washed and dressed them both, got myself dressed, done 5 loads of washing, drying and ironing, put all clothes away, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, cleaned all windows (inside only), changed all ds's and dd's nappies and fed all dd's bottles to her, made lunch for dh, ds and me, tided ds's bedroom and our bedroom, swept and mopped living room and dining room floors and spring cleaned the kitchen, popped into the local hospital to see my best friend who had a baby yesterday, got back, made dinner for dh, ds and me, tidied it all away, bathed ds and dd and put them to bed, ran a bath for dh.
I have just gone downstairs to ask dh to wash up dd's bottles and then I would steralise and make them up and he said "if you hadn't been sitting on the computer all day, you could have done it yourself!" - I replied that I had been on Mumsnet for an hour and I thought I was entitled and he said - well you could have put a toilet brush round the toilet instead of sitting at the computer and he was serious!
Sorry for the rant but I had to let it out - am now going to get in the bath and try to calm down.

I bet he left all his smelly fishing washing for you to do too, didn't he??

And I bet you did it

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall here.

Try this book and also this one

And google "verbal abuse" and "emotional abuse".

Try this site and look at the emotional/verbal sections

momalovs - thanks for your message, I don't really think that there is any deep routed secret as to why I haven't left. It is just that my family have never really liked dh and I hate the thought of them saying "I told you so" it is like admitting failure and I don't really do that I still feel like a child when it comes to my parents and worry about the lecture I will get! I have never been able to stand up to my Dad (which is probably the reason I put up with dh TBH) + also I believe that marriage should be worked at - I know, I know, lynch me .... but There are so many marriages that split up so quickly and I don't want to be one of them even if at the moment I am not happy - I can live for the dc's. If we were to split, where would I live? What would I do for money? How would I get through day by day? - I know these things can be overcome but I would really rather not put the dc's in daynursery to work full time again etc - so maybe I am being selfish.
Bandof - Yep, I did wash his fishing things It is good to hear from you again and THANK YOU for the link to thoses books - I have already been searching for the Verbally abusive relationship one, I even put a post on here on the wanted board but nobody came back to me (I didn't want to buy it online incase dh spotted it) I put my name down at the local library who said they would order me a copy in but that was about 8 weeks ago now The other book also sounds good, I would like to read both of them, will need to chase up the library. Anyway - once again enough from me. Thanks again everybody

Mummy2TandF...believe me, your marriagecould NEVER be described as one that you didn't work at and walked away from...
Is your pride ( which doesn't last long believe me) worth staying somewhere that you are unhappy?
Wha would you do if your daughter told you she was married to someone who treated her like your dh treats you?

If you split and the house is in joint names YOU and the DCS would gt to stay thr until they were 18...as for money - your DH ( and I put the d on with a grimace)would have to pay you maintenance and/or you could claim tax credits. You ma even find you have more money at your own personal dispoal than you do now.

Please don' stay with someone like him purely because you'll think you've failed if you get rid...

Thanks Mumto3girls - I think another issue for me is that I seem to have lost touch with all my friends - I have my best friend but she is married to one of dh's best friends and all my other friends are dh's wives IYSWIM and not really my friends. I have a friend that I still see from my post natal group 2.5yrs ago and she has 2 dc's the same age as mine, we see each otehr twice a week but I don't feel close enough to her to socialise or tell her about in depth things

Dear Mummy2TandF,
I think having another female (who is not your Mum) can help enormously. I have 1 friend I can talk to, tell her anything and she won't judge me, critise and sometimes doesn't even offer a solution or give advice, but just listens which is in itself, a great healer. Do you think that your dh has made it difficult for you to make friends (I'll answer that myself - yes he has just by being a lazy bastard and not allowing you any time for you!)but he sounds so controlling that I think even if you had a close friend, he would be anti them and make it difficult for you to see them and also feel threatened by them.

Yes it would seem that you having the time and energy to putting into friendships these days has been sabotaged by your hubby.

To be honest though I think there's alot of people on here and in RL that would admit that when their dc's re small they tend to socialise more with their DH/DP and/or family.

The heartbreaking thing is that your dh doesn't want to socialise with you or his dcs so another deadend there.

Tell him that you are feeling a bit lonely and isolated and you'd like one evening a week to go out/do an evening class/go swimming/the gym whatever - just one night off...

I have a doomed feeling that I know what he will say but I really think you should insist.

Mumto3, I think she's tried that before, and he already "let's" her work.

Mummy2, I don't think anyone could accuse you of not trying and as for your parents, get there first.
Just say, you were right he's an arse. If they launch into a lecture after that then they too are arses, surely they will just say it's about time, and give you a huge hug.
You need to start standing up to the men in your life, inc your dad. If he starts then just look him squarely in the eyes and say, Dad, I know, and I've finally stood up to him. Now I'm standing up to you. I don't need to hear it, I just need your love and support.

Then see if he gives his little girl a hug.

People are so wierd.

How long have you been unhappy?? and can you see yourself being happy with your h anytime in the future if he behaves like this???

Not having your own friends is highly common in cases of emotional/verbal abuse. Amazon has those two books on offer together for about £13.25. Can you not get them delivered somewhere else say? I really think you need to read them to see what's normal and what isn't.

Crotchety - Thanks for that - I have seen them both on Amazon but the account we have with Amazon is in dh's name, therefore he would know that I had ordered them

OK well back to chase up the library as you say then, or get the bookshop to order them in for you. Latter might be quicker.

I think it might be a good thing if DH knew you'd ordered them personally!!

But you can always open another amazon acct in your own name y'know.

mommalove - Thanks for that, I know that everything that people say to me makes sense and I am glad that your friend is getting married to a lovely man. I have just had a text today from somebody that I used to work with before having ds, so 3 years ago telling me that he had really strong feelings for me then and that he still does and all I kept thinking was that he was winding me up or joking because I am sure that nobody could like me. I mentioned it to my bf and she said that I really must have made an impression on him for him to think about me 3 years later (with no contact since working together) But I am still sceptical, it made me realise how much self confidence I seem to have lost
On a different note my cousin is having a party for his dd next month, on a Saturday and I am unable to get the time off - dh is refusing to take the dc's He said that he does not want to sit with my family all day, I asked if he would do it for the sake of the dc's and he said no I then said that my mum had offered to sit with the dc's on the evening of his birthday so that we could go out for a meal + cinema but he said no, he said that if she couldn't be bothered to look after them during the day on his bday so that he could go fishing then she can't look after them at night, so looks like we can say goodbye to a night out - Sorry long post again and a bit abstract this time too

mtoT&F - he doesn't have respect for anyone. Do you really want to spend a night out with him for his bd - unless of course it is to give him the elbow over a nice glass of champage.

The man is cutting you off from everyone and doing his best to ensure that you get no external help.

To me this is sinister. You are worth so much so much more................

mommalove - I can't remember the last time we went out together without the children .... In fact, thinking about it, I don't think we have been out since dd was born in October, so probably the time before that would have been Valentines day 2005

Mummy2, what normal guy turns down a night out with his wife??
He is not deserving of you, and of course this other man can have feelings for you. You are lovely and wonderful, kind and caring, and my god are you committed
Perhaps this is a sign that you should move on??? There is something out there for you. And maybe someone who is not selfish adn excludes you from every aspect of his life, and doesn't want to spend any time with you even when babysitting is offered.

mommalove - sorry I meant valentines day 2006! - I actually asked dh last night when the last time we went out together was and he said it was for our anniversary last year, so that would have been July 2006 anyway..... It is still nearly a year
Bandof - I know what you are all saying makes sense, but I just seem a bit numb atm, I can't seem to get sad, Happy, Excited, Angry .... anything, I am just sort of numb if that makes any sense, I don't really feel emotions, I am more on one level the whole time. That makes me sound really weird doesn't it, I have never mentioned that bit to anyone before.

That isn't wierd, it sounds like the beginning of depression, maybe. I am so glad you have your job.
Do you love him. I know that is very personal, but if my DH treated me like yours does I think he would long ago have driven away any feelings of love.
I mean there is no nice stuff in there to make up for the bad. Why do you stay??? Cos it's easier than going??
I am just curious.and a bit nosy.

I'm sorry to bang on but if you could just get hold of those books you would see all these emotions, lack of emotions, reasons for staying in a hopeless relationship etc etc etc over and over again in other people's experiences. It would help you see what is normal and what isn't as you have now effectively shut yourself down in an attempt to keep things quiet, and so as not to have to face change. I know about these books as I have got them for someone who is finding them really helpful.

Bandof - Love? I really don't know that is another emotion isn't it and I really don't know! I just seem to be on autopliot.
Crotchety - I will try to go onto Amazon now and see if I can open up an account in my name to get thoses books, it seems like even the library has forgotton me, have just checked back and it was months ago that I asked for the book to be ordered in.

Has your dh always been like this or was it after marriage or after birth of kids?

There's nothing you've posted that suggests that he does anything other than fincially support them. How do you kids relate to him.

Try your utmost not to drift into feeling flat and low as it will zap your energy. You were very proactive in getting a job and it clearly suits you - try to keep that momentum up.

Remember that unlimatum about his behaviour. You need to live up to your promise or he will just walk all over you even more.

mumsville - That is the worst bit He was a bit like this both before marriage and before dc's!
Before we were married if he did lose his temper (which was not as often) he used to cry afterwards and say that he didn't mean the things he said and that he was sorry + I believed him. Just before we got engaged I told him that he would need to get help or change his temper and we went to the doctors and he was put on Seroxat, which really helped everybody commented that he was like a different person. But after about a year and we were married he stopped taking them as he said that he didn't want to get addicted to them + In respect of the selfishness, I suppose that is wasn't as apparent before we had the dc's as he could just please himself really.

I think it's time to remind him of his duties as husband and father and of the vows he made, and if he can't live up to them, it's time to get rid of him.
You know that deep down, but I know it's hard.
If you do it tho it will be worth it.
Don't let yourself get ill trying to save your marriage, after all what effort is he making to save it, none.