Why do some men suddenly go cold after three months?

[dontcallmehon22]

I've had two three month short relationships this year. Both with men who declared love very early on, were very very intense and passionate etc etc. Both dumped me after three months exactly. They both suddenly turned their feelings off like a light switch.

Guy two really hurt me. He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc. He knew about guy one and told me to trust him, I was too important to him. He thought about me all the time. Thought about what our future would look like all the time. Then suddenly it's over and he disappears from my life. Just like that. No emotion. No explanation. He seemed to go off me a week before it happened, didn't seem as affectionate/complimentary.

I just don't understand it. I'm questioning what is wrong with me. My self esteem is at rock bottom right now.

Yes and I'd be really concerned it might be a regular thing too. I hate drunkeness (coming from a land down under where people regularly fry their brain cells and ruin their families doing so). Couldn't care less about 'properness' but getting drunk would be a huge turnoff from me. I'd drop them like a rock.

for me ...

When you say "stepped out of line" is that just a phrase you used or his exact wording?

I would also be embarrassed if I introduced my new partner to friends and they got shitfaced. He might have bought you the wine, but you could have said no or drank it slower.

It sounds like I'm trying to blame you - I'm not, I just think theres two sides to every story.

Thanks mimi. It was a genuine question. I don't like drunkeness much either.
Not a pop at op. having got inadvertently shitfaced on several occasions
However a one off wouldn't be the crime of the century for me (see above)

Strikethrough fail

But he was a big drinker too. I didn't intend to get that drunk. He did see me again after that and I paid for concert tickets for us.

He didn't say I stepped out of line. It's just how I felt. He didn't love me. He said he did. But he wanted me to be perfect and I wasn't. Feel like I let him down.

No I completely understand. Hence my term inadvertently shitfaced. It happens (usually due to lack of food) and it shouldn't be a deal breaker
If he is a big drinker well...double standards..

I would have forgiven him for the sane thing

Both of these men sound like pretty horrible and abusive cretins. I'm glad you are starting to see them for what they are.

The thing I find sad is that, despite their terrible treatment of you, you still say how much you loved them and cared for them. I have no idea how you go about resetting your standards and boundaries so you don't get used again, but I hope you manage it.

Sorry, just realised that might sound very patronising. I don't mean it to at all. It's just that if my daughter (she's very young and, as a father, I haven't even had to deal with her having boyfriends yet!) had posted what you have on this thread I would feel so bereft.

"He didn't love me. He said he did. But he wanted me to be perfect and I wasn't. Feel like I let him down."

The only thing you let down was your dinner; down the toilet when you were being sick.

I think I need to work on myself. Now the initial hurt has subsided a little, I want to date again, but I know I can't till I really like myself.

MadeMan that made me laugh!

Sorry OP, I have been through this recently and I totally understand that shit feeling. Don't feel bad about yourself and beat yourself up trying to figure out how can he be so cold after all the "love" and "attention". You deserve someone who will love you both in the Fantasy world and real world. He did you a massive favour. So walk away with your head high and forget about him. I had to do it, its tough but you Have to for your own sake. Work on your self esteem, and find something that you love doing to distract your mind. I joined a yoga class

You will feel better. Hang in there.

I think you need to imagine him as a bit of a lesser mortal - he is forever going to be moving from girl to girl, doing the same thing, until one day when he meets his match, then she might drop him like a hot potato. He doesn't sound capable of holding down a normal good relationship.

Whereas you (who possibly wears your heart on your sleeve) will have learnt a valuable lesson from this. You have him to thank for that. You won't 'give' so easily next time, you'll take weasly words with a pinch of salt and in time you'll be read for a proper real relationship with none of the flowery meaningless words from a twat!

I'll try. I just thought he cared really.

He did. About himself.

I've been crying in the toilets at work. Not about him. Just because I feel so crap and unworthy

He made me feel special for a little while.

You will get over him OP. He is a boozy misogynist fantasist ratbag.

You have had SUCH a lucky escape. I got involved with one of these, he was talking about marriage within a fortnight, I was the one who could heal his pain, such a connection......fool enough to have a child with him. No maintenance or contact for over ten years. He married 3 months after I left him, to a woman who was The One, who understood him, coukd heal his....blah blah. He left her for his current wife who helped him to fleece wife 2(I'm not wife 1, she was The One before me) out of half the value of the house which she bought with the money from her house which she owned before she met him.

You are OK financially, no kids to hold you in his orbit. Be grateful. Do some new things you would not ordinarily do. A climbing wall, a walking holiday, anything to challenge yourself and channel your energy towards something positive.

If you really miss him take comfort from the fact that there are loads of other men like that and you could probably meet another one soon.

If you really miss him take comfort from the fact that there are loads of other men like that and you could probably meet another one soon

How true

That is true. If I go out there now, I'll meet another one. 3 months along I'll be here again and I think I will test all your patience.

You won't but you will end up in a worse place than you are now. You don't need a man to feel special. Cook food that you like, buy yourself flowers, go out with friends and enjoy some nice time out. You'll be grand.

I will. Found guy 1's dating profile today. He says 'I'm new to this whole online dating thing.'
Ha ha ha!!! Yes right! Just shows how they all lie.
I'm terribly impatient, but I'm forcing myself to wait to date again.

Just do your best to stop fixating on these guys and go out and enjoy yourself without a man, no one needs a man to validate themselves and if you find one now it will not work as your head isn't in the right space, I would say.

Step away from the OD site!