Why do some men suddenly go cold after three months?

[dontcallmehon22]

I've had two three month short relationships this year. Both with men who declared love very early on, were very very intense and passionate etc etc. Both dumped me after three months exactly. They both suddenly turned their feelings off like a light switch.

Guy two really hurt me. He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc. He knew about guy one and told me to trust him, I was too important to him. He thought about me all the time. Thought about what our future would look like all the time. Then suddenly it's over and he disappears from my life. Just like that. No emotion. No explanation. He seemed to go off me a week before it happened, didn't seem as affectionate/complimentary.

I just don't understand it. I'm questioning what is wrong with me. My self esteem is at rock bottom right now.

Going NC is not cruel, think of it as lucky. You have had a lucky escape from this guy, dont get drawn in again

I do come across as harsh sometimes maybe but I care. Going no contact is not cruel, why would you speak to someone and give them some sort of "hope" if there is none. In my opinion its kinder than stringing people along.

Men are not disgusting OP. We all want someone to love/love us in return and saying that isn't a crime, acting like that is also not a crime. It's probably what he wanted but not with you, that is the harsh reality. It was 3 months OP, not 3 years.

There is no secret formula, some people meet and its wham, they never part. Some people meet and it happens slowly but surely. Lot's of beginnings fall by the wayside. In the land of singledom you just have to remember that rejection is a bitter pill that we all have to swallow now and again. It's nothing to do with you as a person.

I think it is cruel to dump without a word. Just to disappear

what did you want then op, a sorry but you arent for me? would that have made you feel better? would that have turned into hours of him trying to let you down gently? and you becoming more and more desparate? there is no "good" way to end a short relationship where history together isnt involved.

Even then, endings are hardly ever "good".

Silent dumping is rude.
Everyone deserves an explanation, even if it's just "sorry, it's not working for me."
No need to be rude, not even if the relationship has no history.

Why is not saying anything rude? It may be that the other person doesnt want the drama that they know would follow if they did it the other way. I also suspect there has been a bit of bombardment here.

Because it is rude, as in impolite, but I suspect you're playing devil's advocate.

There was no bombardment. Even a 'sorry this isn't working text' would do.

He said he loved me. Then silence.

I feel even more crap now.

If they don't want drama, which is totally fair enough, they can block their number after a short message.

Look OP at the end of the day you can't change what "he" has done. No one can make anyone else be or do anything. Taking his actions on board and internalising them and feeling crap about it is what needs to be addressed.

And I'm not desperate. I do have pride. But he did lead me up the garden path a bit. And he does have form for disappearing on women.

Dontcall, I agree that it's common courtesy to tell someone when a relationship has ended. It's like firing someone. Not fun, but tough, do it anyway.

Then you can go NC.

(Of course if you're being abused, the rules are different. I'm talking about normal relationships that haven't worked.)

why do you feel crap then?

I liked him and I'm hurt. Feel like I was disposable. Didn't even get the dignity of s goodbye

Sorry you're feeling so down, dontcall. No quick way through that. But it will go.

I messaged you dontcall

It will pass op, like any type of disappointment. There is nothing wrong with you though, you do what we all do at times. Give it another few months you will look back and think, blimey. The disappointment thing where you thought you may have found a good guy is what it's all about, neither of you "loved" each other.

Op, I hope you are still not waiting for an explanation from him? I think you have pinpointed what happened, you got drunk and he didn't like how you behaved whilst drunk. It does sound like he wasn't the guy you thought he was, however, and I say this just to give another perspective, I would have definitely gone right off dh if he was a drunk (you say you get drunk weekly) and on top was a bad drunk. I cannot stand that and maybe guy nr 2 feels the same.

It will get easier. I know it feels really upsetting when you feel you haven't got closure, and the way in which he has gone quiet takes away your autonomy. It is as though he has made a decision about you in isolation to you and since it concerns you, you should be party to the details. Its not a nice feeling. Its like being convicted in a court of law in your absence and without the right to defence.

So, take back some control. Say to yourself, this man was not worth your effort and time, he had form for treating others badly, the issue is his, not yours and delete number, get rid of emails, hell even change your number.

He got drunk three times weekly at least. I got drunk badly just once. But I'm not blaming myself.

what control? whats this "control" thing. Why on earth does anyone have to take control. We aren't in charge of anyone, what they do is down to them.

And OP I make you totally right there. Its allowed if both of you like a few. I think that was coming from a teetotal point of view with that poster.

Yes I drank more with him, as he was a big drinker. I didn't handle it as well as him. I just think he came on way too strong, when I started to return his feelings he panicked and backed off.

Control of you own life instead of feeling that things are "done to you"
Tinks...you are in control of yourself. Of course you can't control other people.