Why do some men suddenly go cold after three months?

[dontcallmehon22]

I've had two three month short relationships this year. Both with men who declared love very early on, were very very intense and passionate etc etc. Both dumped me after three months exactly. They both suddenly turned their feelings off like a light switch.

Guy two really hurt me. He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc. He knew about guy one and told me to trust him, I was too important to him. He thought about me all the time. Thought about what our future would look like all the time. Then suddenly it's over and he disappears from my life. Just like that. No emotion. No explanation. He seemed to go off me a week before it happened, didn't seem as affectionate/complimentary.

I just don't understand it. I'm questioning what is wrong with me. My self esteem is at rock bottom right now.

Why are you so desperate to get back out there? You've had 2 bad experiences in a row, can't you find something to do that doesn't involve looking for a date?

I am waiting till I feel better. I'm having counselling, practising mindfulness etc. But I don't want to give up on love forever

There's a big difference between 'forever' and 'a few weeks'. IIRC you have two or three children, that must keep you pretty busy? I find when I'm low it really helps my mood to find joy in my children and in setting up great things for us all to do. My kids make me laugh and help me 'get over myself'. I would like to find a new relationship eventually, but I'm very glad not to be pining for it. How long have you been divorced?

The fact that you say you hate being single means that you definitely need to be single until you no longer hate it. If it's a state of life that you're constantly itching to be free from, you're never going to make rational choices. To me being single is peace, it's control over my life and my emotions. Sure, relationships bring joys of their own - but it would have to be a good one and one that didn't add angst and trouble to my life. It's not worth it!

Agree with what teapot said

Cheating on a married partner should have been a red flag right off the bat?

You were these guys 'project'

He said he fell out of love with her and didn't know how to tell her, so he cheated.

He also said 'I used to be a tart, but I'm committed to you now.'

Your radar is way way off, you missed about 100 red flags and need to take a break from men until you've started to address this!

Eg he admitted to cheating and "sex addiction" fgs!

He said it wasn't the sex he was addicted to, it was the cuddles. But he was never very cuddly . I miss him.

I find the way you respond on this thread slightly odd... you completely ignore all the comments that offer you any perspective, apart from those which focus on his behaviour and what kind of person he was. On the one hand you miss him, on the other hand you're listing so many of his faults a multitude of posters have told you what a complete wanker he clearly is.

You want us all to hiss and boo at him, but you also want people to commiserate with you that you're not with him.

The most glaringly obvious thing on this thread is that you need some serious help with your boundaries, your radar, your obsession with being in a fake, obsessional relationship (which by definition will almost always be short-lived and disastrous in outcome), your need to be treated "like a princess". Stop looking at the trees and take a long hard look at the wood. This is not about fault or blame in the sense of "what did I do wrong?". This is about an internal compass you have which isn't working properly. You're not alone, loads of us here have ended up in relationships repeatedly which aren't right for us and are even perhaps abusive. But you need to remove your blinkers. I get the distinct impression that all you are doing really is licking your wounds and trying to get yourself perky enough so that you can face doing it all over again.

You're probably right Teapot. I'm not divorced yet - separated two years. 3 dc. I'm just so incredibly lonely and this man gave me emotional support, fixed things for me, bought me things, made me feel special. I'm struggling to reconcile that with the man who does not want to speak to me at all. The man who couldn't care less. He begged me to trust him. He promised.

So I feel worthless. I don't really have a wide circle of friends. I feel absolutely dragged down by the burden of work, housework and childcare and I guess he gave me a bit of escapism. Now I have nothing again. I'm struggling to find joy in anything really. The fact that it was such a short relationship makes it feel worse in some ways, as I wasn't even significant and I can't even make a relationship last. I don't know how to do it.

That all sounds very self pitying. I know there are single parents doing brilliantly on their own. I'm not one of them.

Look for the joy in what you have already - some people would give the world for 3DC. Appreciate what you have.

It's hard when you feel low to do that though. And kids bring their own stresses, especially when you are struggling anyway.

I get that it's hard. I'm in a similar situation, but rather than reach out to men to try to fix things, I have reached out to other women in similar situations to me. I have ended up becoming friendly with other women going through divorce, other already-single parents, and have also made more of an effort to make friends with parents at the school (my DTs have just started reception).

It is my experience that expanding your friend network is going to be far more helpful (and is far 'safer') than exposing yourself emotionally with a man. Why do you think you don't have a wide circle of friends?

I can't even make a relationship last

You need to tell yourself this wasn't a relationship, you couldn't have made him act in any other way, he used you for prolonged dating as other have mentioned this was all created.

The relationship should be more to compliment your life not complete it.

Is there a Gingerbread group, or something similar, near you? It sounds like you would be better off making some friends and building up a solid social life for you and the kids than chasing fuckwits off dating sites. Learn the lesson that it hadn't worked out twice in a row in one year and don't do it again. You are more likely to meet someone if you stop looking so hard, and you are not in the right frame of mind to get involved at the moment because it sounds like you will take on any old rubbish spare man if he pays you a few cheap compliment s .get yourself in a place where you are picky and only get closer to a man when you've taken the time to really get to know him and if you feel he deserves a place in your life.