Why do some men suddenly go cold after three months?

[dontcallmehon22]

I've had two three month short relationships this year. Both with men who declared love very early on, were very very intense and passionate etc etc. Both dumped me after three months exactly. They both suddenly turned their feelings off like a light switch.

Guy two really hurt me. He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc. He knew about guy one and told me to trust him, I was too important to him. He thought about me all the time. Thought about what our future would look like all the time. Then suddenly it's over and he disappears from my life. Just like that. No emotion. No explanation. He seemed to go off me a week before it happened, didn't seem as affectionate/complimentary.

I just don't understand it. I'm questioning what is wrong with me. My self esteem is at rock bottom right now.

He also said that it was more natural for men to cheat.

He cheated on his ex wife.

You know he would have cheated on you too? And felt totally justified in it in his own mind. Count your blessings he dumped you OP, he's saved you a world of pain...

Rejoice!!

You know what, I actually thought about that at the time and decided that because he was so good looking, it was inevitable that he would cheat and I would just have to accept it

It's not just you... I just ended it with someone after 5 months. He did the whole talking about moving in together (all from him) , talking about where we should go on holiday next year etc etc, lots and lots of texting. Then suddenly went cold, when I pushed him for what was wrong he said he didn't think he loved me and had been lying to himself because he thought it was what he wanted?! In the end after a week of giving him 'space' I just said if he didn't love me (after saying he did after 2 months) it was clearly time to end it.

I don't think he was a complete bastard, just a bit of a fantasist who got infatuated and carried away.

It's horrible, isn't it. Leaves you reeling and questioning everything you thought was real.

I think it's taught me to trust my instincts and not be too eager to please... when he said these things I remember thinking it's a bit soon, but I liked him and didn't want to upset him or push him away so I just went with it. Plus I was flattered and thought he was really into me... sigh.

There are 2 sides to every rule. Normally on mumsnet the advice is - you've seen the true person when they are drunk. Personally I don't think this is correct. However you said that you stood out that evening. Perhaps he thought that you were unreasonable and couldn't see a future together. He is allowed to make that judgement call.

Im sure you are lovely, but after 3 months! If the post was reversed (based on op) everyone would tell him to run.

You will find Mr right soon x

I see your point silverdaisy but when someone says they love you, is a fairly trivial and human error really going to make them run? I wouldn't ditch someone just for being drunk. He was drinking too.

I did say i didn't think that theory is correct.

Everyone is human, and allowed to make mistakes.

He was married once, but he cheated on her.

I feel quite jaded at the moment. Can't see myself wanting to date again!

Based on your most recent experience I would feel the same. But, you will find someone that is lovely.

You very much remind me of a friend of mine who had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her prince.

You seem very caught up with the fantasy of a relationship as others have said, looking the part, acting the part and very little in relating to these people as humans and looking with a clear eye at their weaknesses. In fact, both men sound pretty interchangeable to you- good looking, charming, said the things they wanted you to hear -as if they were all one Prince Charming instead of different individuals. My friend was in a very similar situation as she just wanted someone to love her, but the problem was that she would fall head over heels each time a prospective suitor turned up (if you had really been in love with man 1 and genuinely planning a future you wouldn't have been ready to meet man 2 so quickly afterwards) and be devastated when they moved on a few weeks or months later. It also led her to focus on the fantasy relationship behaviour and not on their real behaviour- like you in this thread, actually this last man was behaving really badly, I would have been off like a shot at several of the things you have said- him talking about marriage on date two, calling women 'slags' even as a joke, putting down your area, you feeling he would inevitably cheat on you- every single one of these would have been a deal-breaker for me in my dating year, dump and move on, yet you persisted in the fantasy when actually the reality was quite clear.

The good news is that my friend did end up with a lovely chap, who yes does all the hearts and flowers stuff but is a good person underneath. He's not quite as good looking as some of the previous Prince Charmings but what helped was that she kept looking for evidence of what he was like instead of just deciding he was the one and then ignoring everything bad after this.

A word of warning though, she did also have an abusive relationship and I think it makes you very vulnerable if you are pretty desperate to be in a relationship with pretty much any man who says the right things- be careful, a man who treats women nastily (such as that remark) and is unfaithful may have an even darker side.

I got so worried about my friend's problems in choosing the wrong man, I got her to phone me when she met someone knew and tell me about it (as the truth would be buried under all the love hearts and cutesy talk) and this also helped as she was able to sound out whether things were deal-breakers or just a slight blip in the road. If someone was totally into you, then getting drunk would be annoying but not the end- but to be honest, you are utterly lucky you got away from that person as the signs were there it wasn't going to be happy ever after IMO from what you have said. Good luck with it all- there are some nice men out there who will want the same as you.

Thanks napoleon. That really helped. There were other red flags -a road rage incident for one, where he shouted and gestured at another driver, the turning up on dates hungover etc. I am happy with my decision not to date for a good long while. I need to learn to love myself I think. I think I was looking to replace guy 1 with guy 2. There will not be a third.

dont You had a lucky escape - he would have probably gone on to be one of theses controlling bastards and thats a whole new thread

The more I read about this guy the more I think you really did have a lucky escape. I think you need to learn about red flags and not ignore early warning signals in the future.

I think he would have. He also made jokes about unshaven bikini lines, upon looking at a photo of a woman on Facebook suggested you'd be able to strike a match from her armpits. In a pub he talked in a normal volume , normal tone voice about sexual things he wanted to do to me, so that if someone was listening in they would hear.

But he was a real family man. Looked after his mum and sisters really well . I thought it was just his sense of humour.

Look at the end of the day centred people dont get sucked in. You stay real to yourself. There are a lot of people that feed off others, male or female. Jesus christ the bloke is a total monster now for dumping you. really?

As is said, I do what he has done... I buy into love now and again, its not a bloody crime. Men have fallen hook line and sinker for me too, yet ive ended it. Thats life. Im not a bad nasty person, nor was he. He just didnt want to continue a relationship with you. Get over it.

Sweetheart, you've told us about some dreadful things he has said. I'm curious as to why these weren't ringing massive alarm bells in your head? What have you learnt from your past or your family about what's ok with how men treat and regard women? If you can't see this you are doomed to repeat history...

Bloody hell, so if that was true that he said all these vile things in that sort of context then why on earth would she be crying about him and thinking things were wrong with her then? God us poor weak female species that we are.

what pisses me off royally is that women come on here saying.... he was fantastic to me, he did this that and the other then he dumped me, then they say he told me i had pissflaps that hung down to my knees really, he told me that my armpits stunk. errr, what on earth are you on about?

He sounded so full of himself

vom

OP, do you have a vagina... of course you do.

Do you own it, of course you do.

People can't do things to you unless you allow them.

Yes you do need to work on yourself, you do need to get a pair of big girl pants, you do need to stop thinking youre some princess that a man needs to rescue. You do need to stop badmouthing people when it doesnt go your way.