Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do some men suddenly go cold after three months?

240 replies

dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 16:21

I've had two three month short relationships this year. Both with men who declared love very early on, were very very intense and passionate etc etc. Both dumped me after three months exactly. They both suddenly turned their feelings off like a light switch.

Guy two really hurt me. He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc. He knew about guy one and told me to trust him, I was too important to him. He thought about me all the time. Thought about what our future would look like all the time. Then suddenly it's over and he disappears from my life. Just like that. No emotion. No explanation. He seemed to go off me a week before it happened, didn't seem as affectionate/complimentary.

I just don't understand it. I'm questioning what is wrong with me. My self esteem is at rock bottom right now.

OP posts:
futureponyclubmum · 16/11/2014 00:59

This reminds me of the sort of blokes I used to date in uni. They want a trophy girlfriend, all fine until you fall of the pedestal. Because guess what your actually human. My fault was probably being a bit shallow and being blinded by looks, charm, status, oh wow I can't believe he's chosen me when he could have any girl ya ya ya! Sound familiar??
Then I went travelling, found my independence and realised I was fine exactly how I was and it would be a lucky bastard who deserved me. Started looking deeper for qualities which were important in a man rather than "my type", someone who would be a good friend, integrity, respect, kindness, easy to talk to and not taking it personally if the click wasn't quite right. I'm sure some people do this naturally for me it was a learning process.

When I first met (now) DH I knew I'd found a keeper because he's the only man I've ever been comfortable to be completely my warts and all no pretenses self around right from the word go......and he liked it (wierdo!!) Anyway that's my story I don't know if it helps but stay strong, focus on you and if fate is kind the right person will come along.

BertieBotts · 16/11/2014 01:39

Looking after women in his life can be a red flag actually, it shows he sees women as there for being looked after, rather than individuals in their own right. Basically you'd have been up on a pedestal and then smashed right down to the ground if you dared to fall off it (which is presumably what happened, only the relationship was too new for him to bother putting you back and doing it repeatedly) Obv being a total arse to his mum/sisters would be awful too but you're not stuck with those two options. You want a man who sees you as a person first, rather than a woman first.

Tinks did you mean to sound so unnecessarily vile?

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 16/11/2014 08:48

Tinks part of me was attracted to his arrogance and I thought that was his sense of humour. It's only in retrospect that I can see that it was wrong.

Futureponyclub there was definitely an element of pride that he was with me when he could have any girl.

My history - absent father, violent/abusive relationship in the home. So I don't really know how men should treat women.

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 16/11/2014 09:04

You do realise that having asked the question and with the replies and your added input on this thread that you have already done a huge amount of work on yourself?
Now you are aware of this pattern you will be so in tune to this kind of behaviour.
Have you looked at those baggage reclaim links yet ( especially the future faking) if you haven't do so now. Its like a light bulb being flicked on that you won't switch off.
I could have written your op word for word.
I now have more boundaries than a county map of the British Isles.
Tinks what on earth got into you last night?
Sad a bit harsh? There are ways of saying things. A lot of us 'badmouth' our former partners on here.. I thought it was sort of the point?

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 16/11/2014 09:12

Thanks Frog I did look at the future faking - it makes perfect sense. That's why I'm so upset, I felt part of his family almost. He constantly talked about our future. I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him and I felt absolutely protected and cherished. Until I wasn't.

Tinks of course he had every right to dump me and I'm not suggesting he's a monster. But there is a pattern here of me falling for very over the top, romantic men who then drop me like a hot potato. And guy 2 may be an ok person, but his relationship history isn't great either. I'm just trying to work out why, so it doesn't happen again (Though I'm not dating for a good long while).

I think it's easy to forget that there is a real, distressed person behind those words on a screen. I'm really lonely and I think I was clinging to this fantasy of a relationship.

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 16/11/2014 09:27

But you do realise that the problem was with them not you now don't you?
Now that you are aware though if you fall for this kind of behaviour again I will personally be coming after you to slap you with a large wet fish! Wink
I am still single. But I did go on to have a far healthier ltr after the 'futute faking narc' if we ignore the fact he cheated on me for three months and left me for another woman
I understand the loneliness and the desire to be coupled up because it doesn't go away. I still dream of 'mr right' . I will find him too and so will you. But by then you will also be a 'better' person.

BertieBotts · 16/11/2014 09:34

gah OP I can't shorten your name without calling you "hon" Grin

It wouldn't be funny or clever to say those kinds of things (that Tinks said last night) to someone in real life and the same applies here. Just ignore them. You haven't done ANYTHING wrong. It's never wrong to love someone, to put faith into a relationship, he was the one who was wrong.

You're right in that there is a pattern, and a pattern you can break! That's the good news. Now, what one thing today are you going to do, for you? What future plans can you start taking steps towards, or laying out plans for?

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 16/11/2014 12:50

I'm going to focus on being happy alone. In the two years since my marriage ended, dating has mainly brought me pain.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 16/11/2014 14:02

I think Tinks must come over as being harsh but there is some value to be had by taking those comments on board OP.

It takes two, a prince needs a princess and the romantic plot revolves around the actions and intentions of those two characters. Whilst both men may not have been very nice men, it seems that all the warning signs were there but you choose to ignore it, because it doesn't fit in with the fairytale you are trying to write. And as I said before, some men will give you a fairytale if they perceive that is what you seek. Does it make them bad men? not necessarily, maybe they desperately want to create a happy ever after too. However when you project a fantasy version of yourself, eventually the real person with faults emerges, this is confusing to them too, and on this occasion he is unable to reconcile reality with fantasy or overlook any faults. (and we all have those...he had them but you ignored)

I think you are right to take some time out. Be real, be true to yourself and keep your feet on the ground.

Gfplux · 16/11/2014 14:20

Getting drunk might be the sign. Did he get legless at any time in front of your friends.

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 16/11/2014 14:37

He never met my friends

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 16/11/2014 15:07

Why did he not meet your friends?

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 16/11/2014 15:30

The opportunity never really came up. He was usually the one to organise things. He was very quick to introduce me to his friends etc

OP posts:
trackrBird · 16/11/2014 15:32

I'm really sad to hear of this: absent father, violent/abusive relationship in the home. So I don't really know how men should treat women.

I think this is perhaps why you aren't recognising the sheer line-shooting you've been a victim of, eg

  • Trust me, you're too important to me
  • It's you, I've found you
  • I would never hurt you (why even mention it?)

….this is so fake, it's as if it's come out of a book. (Sorry :( )

Sincere and loving men don't speak like this, especially not early in the relationship. They take it as a given that you'll trust them - because they're trustworthy. They don't talk about commitment too early because they know what a big deal it is, and that they don't know you well enough yet. They want to get to know YOU. Not a fantasy they've built up.

Did you ever read the Dr Joe Carver article, 'The Loser'? Here it is-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

The part to look for here is No2, about quick attachment. That's the phase that's drawing you in.

The other parts come much later. They creep in slowly, after you've made a commitment or lost some level of independence. It's not somewhere anyone wants to go.

You've dodged a few bullets dontcall, but don't give up. There are good men out there, and you really can find one. You just need to change tack slightly Flowers

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 17/11/2014 09:09

Feel a bit low this morning. He said he'd give me an explanation but he hasn't. He couldn't care less.

Soon after I first met him, he told me he had to meet up with a girl to give her some stuff back and she was insisting he did it in person. He probably did the same to her.

OP posts:
smokeandfluff · 17/11/2014 09:37

Let him go. You were in love with an illusion.
I've seen this happen a lot-they are promising you the world and then bang! All contact is dropped.
They are in love with the idea of being in love, not with you

shortaris1 · 17/11/2014 10:21

Don't, so sorry to hear you feel low. I posted on your last thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2131775-How-do-I-learn-to-be-ok-alone?pg=2 where you had some good advice about staying alone for the foreseeable future and learning to love life on your own. I think now is the time to try this or you could be back here again in another 3 months and that would be awful to see. Each time it's knocking your confidence so now is the time to get that to a rock solid place.

I notice you said 'He was usually the one to organise things'. Don't you need to carve out a great life for yourself, and then you wont be bowled over when a guy comes along as you'll be having such fun anyway. I don't mean pretending to be busy to keep a guy keen, rather ACTUALLY being busy and having so much going on that it's hard for you to fit a guy in!

All the cherish and princess stuff is all a bit giddy and OTT, real people with real, busy, full lives don't act like this. Also there's nothing you need protected from, you'll be grand on your own so get out there and enjoy!

I know it's easier said than done and I'm telling you this as someone who is really happy being single but STOP with all the drama, ups and downs and sweeping off your feet and focus on you and your kids for a while. Work out what YOU want out of life.

Oh and all those 'perfect' relationships don't really exist, you know that right?

Take care of yourself. And please take some time out of dating for now.

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 17/11/2014 11:10

Thank you so much, the support on here is helping so much. I know I need to get myself completely confident and happy before I even consider dating again. I just need to accept that this isn't my fault.

He went from being really attracted to me to not even wanting to touch me Sad

OP posts:
smokeandfluff · 17/11/2014 12:01

Try and chalk it up to experience. Learn from it, and your next relationship will be better. We all make fools of ourselves from time to time.

smokeandfluff · 17/11/2014 12:02

Unless he has some of your stuff, stop contacting him and delete his number

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 17/11/2014 12:37

I have deleted his number. I have his iPad (he gave it to me) and I offered it to him, bit have heard nothing. I'm not paying for postage if he can't even speak to me.

OP posts:
Roussette · 17/11/2014 12:47

You shouldn't have offered it to him, there is no need. If you are doing that to get answers, that won't happen, or is it an excuse to be in contact with him? He finished with you with no explanations and ignored you, now you need to ignore him. Why would you even go so far as to think of postage costs - I would withdraw totally, keep the iPad he gave you and accept you will never ever get explanations. Men like him don't do explanations.

Original poster
dontcallmehon22 · 17/11/2014 12:51

They are disgusting men. Dumping someone - ok - but just going NC is so cruel. He's done it to women before, so I shouldn't be surprised. I'll keep the iPad.

OP posts:
Roussette · 17/11/2014 12:59

Yes... and just be mercenary and try and think, oh well I get an iPad out of this. (I know that isn't going to work at the moment, but in time, maybe you will think like that..)
NC is a cop out for them and they think they are entitled to be like that. Women want answers, some men won't ever give them.

However, there are men out there not like this and you have to hang on to that fact.

Gfplux · 17/11/2014 15:19

Just an idle thought. How many times in three months from the start would it be normal to see someone.
Just thinking along these lines.
First month once a week = 4 times
Second month twice a week = 8 times
Third month three times a week = 12 times
Total 24 meetings, does that sound about right or too rushed?