Fathers sharing bed with daughters.

[GoMe]

What is your opinion on it?

I know that child abuse will happen at any time, on the bed or not, if the father is an abuser, so my question is because men are prone to having wet dreams and erections whilst asleep, so in my opinion, it is not ideal for a girl to sleep with her father at the same bed.

My DD is 7.

But nocturnal erections happen several times during the night.

There was this case when a father shared a bed with his daughter when the mother was working a night shift. The father had an erection and pressed against the daughter during his sleep. Apparently it was innocent and unknow to him.
The daughter commented to a teacher who involved SS. The daughter was taken away temporarily, the dad were sentenced and they all had to do a 2 year family therapy.
I read it yesterday at 3am so can't remember the source.

This is one of the most depressing threads i've seen in a while, every time GoMe posts I start to feel a bit sorry for her old man, i'm going to bed before the next 3am story comes out .

Look OP, it's quite simple.

There is no problem whatsoever with a father and a daughter sharing a bed, if both are comfortable with this scenario.

There is a massive problem with a father putting pressure on a daughter to share a bed if she does not want to sleep there.

There is a massive problem with a father using emotional blackmail to manipulate his daughter into doing stuff she doesn't feel comfortable with.

There is a massive problem with an adult using a child as an emotional crutch because his needs aren't being met elsewhere.

All this talk of wet dreams is just a distraction. You need to focus on the real issues.

No I am not sure the story is true but I read in a forum. Don't remember the forum's name I just googled 'is it acceptable for a 7 year old sleep with her father' or something.

Yes I know it is depressing. It is very depressing that this is my life. It is very depressing that the man I married and had a child with turned out to be an agressive drunk impossible to live with. It is depressing that he refuses to seek help for his issues and refused marriage counseling when the relationship was salveagable. And it is very depressing that people are being nasty here too. No thanks, I have enough of it at home. I appreciate the support received. And to all wish all the best. Enjoy. Appreciate. Be grateful. You never know when things will turn upside down. Bye.

By the way I am focused on the BIG issue. The wet dream /erection was my last resort. I don't think I can make myself understood. Nevermind.

Oh yes and men DO have some erections during the night. Fact.

I suppose it would depend on the individual man. If it's quite uncommon, it could be assumed he doesn't have them?OP should know by now if he is prone to them? Is OP still having sex with this man/when did that stop? Is he seeing other people? (Personal questions I know, but something for OP to think about even if she doesn't want to answer). My was more directed at "american message boards" than OP (where OP got the idea). As others have said, they usually happen when a man hasn't had any sexual activity for some time, no masturbation etc. This thread has given me quite a lot of conflicting thoughts. One part of brain thinks little girl senses daddy is depressed or down and trying to be kind, (maybe knows on some level being so dirty means something isn't right and what not). Other side thinks this manipulation on his part (mention of suicide etc). OP I think you are right to question all this/be vigilant. Have you talked to dd about swim suit area/appropriate touch? (Sorry if this has been asked and answered, internet keeps cutting out/I loose track of thread).

By the way I am focused on the BIG issue. The wet dream /erection was my last resort. I don't think I can make myself understood. Nevermind.

When you say it was your last resort, do you mean that you used this as a means of threatening your ex, by creating "evidence" that you might choose to use against him at a later date? Because that's what it sounds like.

If that's the case, then I'm afraid you sound as warped and manipulative as he does.

Which 'mental health team' did you involve?

*First bit of my post was about wet dreams, sorry. Errections through the night/in the morning are common, but usually go away once the man wakes up/has morning pee? And if asleep a man wouldn't usually act on them (unless a sexsomniac, which you would know if he is by now OP). I think when everything is taken into account (the big picture) you are right to he worrying/questioning of his intentions OP. I would be more worried about what he is doing awake than asleep. But see what you mean at grasping at straws for valid reasons to present to him that he can't argue his way out off. Also people to things when they are blind drunk they wouldn't ever do sober, obviously another cause for concern with sleeping arrangements.

Excuse typo's phone touch screen got wet and has been playing up since.

Have just went back and re read original post, OP states "so in my opinion, it is not ideal for a girl to sleep with her father at the same bed". I would agree it's not ideal. Sleeping in bed should be a needs must situation, child is scared/has had nightmare/is ill. Not every night/every other night, for no obvious reason. At 3 maybe when they are still clingy/want cuddles and snuggles, will throw violent tantrums at 4.00am to get their own way, but not at 7?

pippinleaf That is quite odd (the pants thing), and not at all what the op is asking! As far as we know, there is nothing like that going on!

OP, I don't know about your stbex, but my dh hasn't had a 'wet dream' as long as we have been together. And yes, he obviously gets an erection sometimes, but has managed, to date, not to molest our 6yr old who regularly shares our bed.

It really is odd that you think wet dreams + erection = child abuser.

I am sorry, op but I have to join the ranks of the confused here. You have always had pillows between them because you don't like bodily contact between them. Now your daughter is 7 this will be hugely confusing for her, that she isn't allowed to touch her father, even in an innocent cuddle way, while sleeping.

You now don't like them sharing a bed. The reason for this constantly changing throughout this thread, starting at wet dreams & erections, then because he is doing it as emotional blackmail, & now because he is smelly & drunk.

He is leaving your house as you are separating, it isn't a huge leap to think he will miss his daughter. If I was leaving my children for any reason, I think I might be inclined to snuggle with them now & again.

To be honest, I don't think YOU know why you don't like this, and you are clutching at straws in order to justify why you find it unacceptable.

My dd is 11 now & a few years ago we all (me, dh & her) had a huge talk as to why she didn't like her father (or me, come to that) tickling her. Completely normal behaviour that we have had since she was able to play, but now she was growing up, she didn't like it as her body was changing. Dh hadn't realised & he stopped straight away. Kids DO grow out of wanting to be played with, it isn't any sinister on my dhs side that he didn't realise why she didn't like it anymore, nor did it suggest he was being inappropriate. he still forgets now & then (like twice in 6mths) but she stays stop & he does. I don't think that is dodgy, or wrong...he just forgets that she isn't his 'little' girl and that he needs to respond to her in a different way now.

Oh yes and men DO have some erections during the night. Fact. Yes, they do. My dh does, but as I said, it hasn't made him abuse our dd & erections in the night are not linked to who is sharing the bed with them (not while they are asleep anyway).

Given the emotional abuse as well as the fact he cuddles her during his sleep and yes, men CAN and DO have erections during their sleep, then no, sleeping in the same bed is not okay.

Everyone here saying it's perfectly okay probably envisage sleeping next to each other (nothing wrong with that, like sleeping next to a friend), not realising he was actually touching/cuddling her in which case a night-time erection wouldn't exactly be hidden :S

I agree he sounds very emotionally abusive to her and when you add the "I'd kill myself without you" to the sleeping together and cuddling, smacking on the bum etc etc it sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship indeed.

I hope the various services will help all of you. Neither of you sound very well balanced & I feel for you DD.

Putting pillows between a father and daughter sleeping because you don't like them touching is strange, very very strange!

I think the OP is actually legitimately concerned about the emotional abuse here (and the alcoholism and disgusting hygiene), but has her STBXH has pooh poohed all these legitimate concerns, she has set out to find other reasons to stop him from emotionally blackmailing his daughter to share his bed.

Unfortunately those reasons (erections, wet dreams) are a bit silly and scaremongering on their own, and indeed easily refuted if STBXH says "no I don't".

However her actual concerns are very valid and I hope that she shares them with SS.

She has had a lot of stick for putting pillows between STBXH and DD in the past, again this is odd behaviour in the context of a normal father-daughter relationship. However STBXH is an emotionally abusive alcoholic with very poor boundaries, perhaps back then OP was picking up on some concerning aspects in how he was relating to his daughter. Or perhaps being in a relationship with this troubling man has affected OP's judgement of what is normal.

OP, stick to the actual substantiated concerns in your discussions with SS and your DH, and I would also recommend speaking to her mental health team about this.

Oh come on. The OP is clearly distressed at the behaviour of her ex and at the effect it has on her dd.
She has already involved SS and a child psychologist to help. She has done as much as she can about it.
But she is still worried like hell and its not unusual to then clung into anything to try and protect your child. Give her a break!!

GoMe, I think it's essential I let the SS know about the lack of boundaries and the emotional abuse he is inflicting on your dd.
Not sure how he was when you were together but maybe Woman said might be able to help (I suspect he was controlling and emotionally abusive to you too).
And please investigate what could be done legally to protect your dd. Of course, this will cost money but you really need to see what you can do. Maybe you won't use it now. Maybe you will find after 2 weeks physically separating that you have no other choice than to step in.

And YY to insist on how he is manipulating your dd to sleep with him rather than talking about wet dreams. The first one will have much more effect. The second might make look 'a bit strange' so they might not take your concerns as seriously.

Just one more word re the wet dreams and erections. It is entirely possible that in the Us, a dad sleeping with his dd would be seen as inappropriate. (I'm guessing you are from there as your ruined being a foreigner??). However this is not the case here and you will get better support by highlighting what is unacceptable here rather than what is unacceptable for you iyswim.
The same way that smacking is ok in France but not here. A parent in a similar situation than you there wouldn't have a lot if ammunitions if they were just saying 'but he is smacking my dd' Hope that makes sense?

I get what the OP is saying. It's the last resort because she has tried other stuff to stop the emotional abuse and was wondering if she could use this as a way of suggesting to him that he stop the bed sharing, therefore giving dd more of her own space.

Sorry you are having to go through this OP.

But yes I agree you would be better to stick to describing the real issue at hand.

If you think your daughters father is emotionally manipulative and this is about his needs then of course call a halt to it if you can.

Suggesting a parent shouldn't sleep next to their child due to worries about abuse loses you any genuine argument.

FWIW DD usually comes into our bed with DP when I am away, at her request. It's sweet.

Just read some of your later posts. the sleep thing is a total red herring. If things are as described your ex partner is not in a fit state to care for a child at present.