Fathers sharing bed with daughters.

[GoMe]

What is your opinion on it?

I know that child abuse will happen at any time, on the bed or not, if the father is an abuser, so my question is because men are prone to having wet dreams and erections whilst asleep, so in my opinion, it is not ideal for a girl to sleep with her father at the same bed.

My DD is 7.

@DoingTheBestICan

Really? Is this a serious question?

Thanks to those who've reported this - we have no reason to believe that the OP is not genuine hence this is still here.
MNHQ

I wasn't going to come back but here I am.
I have never said I suspect he is a pedophile.

But yes, erections do happens to every healthy men and it is involuntary and what if by accident Dd puts her hand there or he presses against her as he is usually extremely drunk every night and cuddles and clings to her a lot.
When we were all sharing the bed I used to put a pillow in sometimes when he was very drunk and sleeping heavily to give Dd some space. She wanted to stay in the middle between us. I have never had any proper space to sleep as he was cuddling her so much and ended up pushing her and her pushing me. But the relationship wasn't as bad back them, however not great either.

No, I am not american but I find myself looking for more and more other forums as I am really getting sick of MN. Also when I google my issues I don't ad "UK Only" on the google search and I don't discriminate forums from other countries.

I have SS coming for a home visit on Tuesday, of course I am not stupid enough to say that my concerns are the wet dreams and SS already knows about him making DD his emotional crutch. I told them FFS! I haven't mentioned the sleeping issues because I thought we have resolved it as a family, but of course you can't trust a drunk who also has MH issues and he went all the way behind my back to back the agreement. Hence me using the wet dreams and erections as a last resort.

30 years ago one of my friends had this worry with her XH.
He shared a bed with his 12 year old daughter and the Mum was worried that after a couple of drinks, whilst still asleep, he may forget who was in his bed and start cuddling her in an inappropriate way.

Yes, some grown adult men do have wet dreams.

GoMe: I wish you and your DD well. Hope life gets better for you soon.

Like you have already said, some women have such perfect lives they are unable to understand that others don't.
x

GoMe I'm sorry you've had to put up with some very small minded bitchy comments on this thread.

I should think it's obvious to anyone with half a brain that you are trying to do the best for your children in a difficult situation.

I would agree with the suggestion upthread about ringing Women's Aid for advice. They can be very busy, but if you leave a message they will call you back.

I know paxtecum
It seems that some people come here to kick the dead dog so they can reassure themselves how perfect their life is. It is their predicament but lets not forget that the dead dog has a real life with real issues and needs real help. Anyway I don't mean to offend all the MNetters here and I know my OP was bad written form the get go, I really didn't want to have to explain my whole life here, just talk about the issues on the OP really, which are not so scandalous if you keep an open mind. For some reason some women get offended and think I am accusing their husbands of sexual abuse or something. It is weird.

Do you know what? Finding other forums and leaving MN feels like leaving an abusive relationship sometimes. I remember how surprised I was when I wrote about my family issues in other places and got answers from compassionate people who really wanted to help. Usually the ones who have nothing positive to say just read. It can be really weird and negative here sometimes.

Gome

People on here are bloody weird and unless you give a 'complete' story and don't 'drip feed' or show any signs of distress or less clear thinking (which is kind of a symptom of emotional distress) or have an issue which is standard and contains nothing unusual, you will get the oh so nasty and spiteful comments. Even if you were not for real, it is unnecessary. Some users of this site are like possessive children who don't want other kids in their sandpit unless they are PLU.

You have nailed it on the head here-

Finding other forums and leaving MN feels like leaving an abusive relationship sometimes. It can be really weird and negative here sometimes

This thread makes be so sad. The lives that some children have are so far from normal it's unbelievable.

My 3 YODD sometimes sleeps with me and/or DH. This can continue for as long as she wants it to. She also has a bath with him and has been known to watch him have a wee!!! We talk about body parts and that daddy has a willy etc. There is nothing sexual about bodies for little children, you are making it a sexual issue. What the hell is this nonsense about bodies touching, pillows in the Middle, wet dreams etc.?? Utter bollocks! I read things like this and realise the world has gone mad.

Yes, the emotional abuse is a separate issue but you talk about putting pillows between DD and DH previous to all this.

Barmy and very very sad. To be honest I think you should all be in counselling

And I didn't mean that unkindly. Your situation sounds awful but I think the sexual refererences are just a smokescreen over the real problems. You all need help to deal with it as the whole relationship seems very very damaging. Good luck x

Sift through the posts and take the helpful ones.

as he is usually extremely drunk every night and cuddles and clings to her a lot

Remember when you speak to ss say this ^^

countrymummy you are not reading what the op wrote

When we were all sharing the bed I used to put a pillow in sometimes when he was very drunk and sleeping heavily to give Dd some space.

Oliviamumsnet if this thread had been Mothers sleeping with Sons you would have edited or deleted it pdq.

I'm sure OP has some serious issues in her relationship but the sexualisation agenda of the father/daughter relationship is dangerous territory. Wet dreams are very rare in adult males. The alleged hygiene and alcohol issues are an issue.

If

Yes, no uncomfortable ishoos on Mumsnet please.

Some of you have led VERY sheltered lives. These things go on, every day.

The problem was that the OP was a general post about fathers and daughters sharing a bed as though the concept was dreadful and not about this one man in particular, it's hardly surprising people responded the way they did.

This man is a mess and he would not be having unsupervised contact with my child. No way.

I'm really sorry the way people have treated you on this thread OP.

And I'm horrified that people think fathers sleeping with daughters is remotely ok. Wtaf? It's one thing when a child is 3 and gets in bed with both of you, it's quite another when she's 7 and he wants to do it as a matter of course.

Men get erections all through the night, he only has to be drunk and half asleep to reach out with a hard on just once for the whole thing to be a complete disaster. Or she just has to put her hand in the wrong place.

Are posters here really so naive as to think she won't notice he gets hard ons during the night? Wonder what they're about? Wonder if they're a reaction to her? It's so completely wrong on every single level.

I am sorry you have had a hard time on here.

I hope you can filter out some of the good advice that has been posted and just ignore those people who are harassing you.

Your ex is leaving today? Or have I got the timing wrong? If he is, then best wishes for it going well and for you getting some space and relief.

It really is best to speak to SS about limiting contact - if he is drinking heavily, then he should not have unsupervised access to your child. Far too dangerous - I imagine they would be able to advise you about that.

You sound very stressed which is entirely understandable. Try and be kind to yourself.

What exactly does the smack bum game involve?

Fact is even if a poster is a troll (and I am not alleging that) the responses usually turn out to be more offensive than the original post and they can negate the genuine usefulness of other responses. There are people who may be helped by a thread even if it was started nefariously (again NOT saying this one is).

Twinklestein you are projecting massively. Most people are responding to the original post.

No one is saying they want their daughters crushed up against a drunk man with a hard on. Just that it is possible for parents and children to have positive bed sharing experiences. Most men aren't blind drunk that often, and are aware of boundaries enough not to be pushed up against their child.

If anyone struggles to see the difference, and sexualises this normal behaviour, I would suggest exploring the reasons for this. It isn't healthy.

The OP has gone on to describe serious concerns around her ex's behaviour. These should provide the basis of looking at what custody/access arrangements are appropriate.

OP I am sure SS will give you appropriate support, and hope things go well for you and your daughter.

Maybe before people respond so nastily they should ask for more information.

If I wrote about the stuff that went on in my marriage on here I would be accused of being a troll.

OP, if you really feel the way you have described in acute gory detail above, I hope you know now what to do. Tell SS about your concerns as soon as possible (in as much detail as here), put your foot down and don't let your dd sleep with this man again, it's not right for all the reasons mentioned by previous posters. If your partner doesn't accept this and bullies you or manipulates your dd please contact a women's shelter or women's aid www.womensaid.org.uk.

I feel extremely uncomfortable about this thread and some of the words and phrases used by op and some others as it will be searchable on google and the wrong people get off on stuff like this. I would find it appropriate for the thread to be deleted and will report.

Two "answers" (the " marks because I don't think I'm experienced to give an authoritative answer, this is IMHO only). I think the thread is answering two questions, one this specific man, and two, the idea in of a dad sharing a bed with DD.
First, talk to social services about your concerns, but trust their professionalism to judge on the hygiene and drink issues- the US forum stuff about wet dreams and hard ons detracts from the real issue, could possibly make you sound as though you're "reaching" for something to kick your soon to be ex with; I think it weakens, not strengthens your argument.
Second answer. Occasionally I will share a bed with DD. She's 7. Most Friday nights DW and DD will be in bed at an hour that I'll feel is too early to turn in. I'll stop downstairs, Xbox, Netflix, Sky+ etc and turn in later, usually to find the little one on on my side of the (albeit very big) bed. A kiss on the forehead or cheek, and I'll usually turn my back and make the most of the foot or so bed space she's left me. If the calls out in the night, it's "daddy" she calls - seems to be I'm the "go-to" for overnights. If for whatever reason she's woken (bad dream or whatever) she wants me to get in, then I'll do so, and sometimes we'll cuddle, others, she just likes that I'm there. Either way, when she's drifted off, I'll usually sneak back to my bed. Lastly, if DW is away overnight, sometimes DD will want to sleep in the big bed. That I may wear a smile of contentment if she drapes an arm across me is nothing sinister,and honestly, I find it a little sad reading comments like "wrong on every single level". Kids are innocent. As are >99.9% of parents (including us dads).

At the very least, OP ask mn to change the title of this thread by reporting your op as it is misleading. Your thread is about one father and one daughter not "fathers and daughters" which implies a general discussion about such 'issues'. The title is simply distasteful and potentially triggering for victims, there is no need.

OP your life sounds really challenging right now. I remember going through a really difficult patch around my divorce when I did feel how the hell did I find myself here because frankly the sort of situation I was going through happened to other people....

It also involved mental health issues and alcohol with my ex.

I remember being bewildered, confused and overwhelmed. My advice is to be brave and accept that life right now may involve massive massive leaps of faith to get away from this situation but get away you must for yours and your daughters sake. Also accept that the world will criticise you no matter what decisions you make. They will judge because the experiences they have had in life mean they cannot put themselves in your shoes and know that sometimes there is no wonderful fairy tale ending just by doing the right thing. Sometimes there is no right thing, just a selection of different choices all with consequences. Keep that child in mind because what he is doing will damage her more than you think.

FFS leave the woman alone?

Disagree? Say so.

But getting abusive makes you look like a snidey teen.

CaptainSinker 'Projecting' or reading the thread? Have you read it? The father has an alcohol problem. We're not talking about most men, we're talking about this particular one.