Fathers sharing bed with daughters.

[GoMe]

What is your opinion on it?

I know that child abuse will happen at any time, on the bed or not, if the father is an abuser, so my question is because men are prone to having wet dreams and erections whilst asleep, so in my opinion, it is not ideal for a girl to sleep with her father at the same bed.

My DD is 7.

My 9 yr old boy regularly comes in next to me, his 12 yr old brother even has once or twice over the last year (he has fallen asleep next to me whilst chatting and I've not bothered to wake him to shift him).

If you are not an abuser, you are not an abuser - there is nothing 'weird' about it at all.

Lets turn this around. If you had a 7 year old son OP and someone dared suggest that you shouldn't have him in with you if need be (e.g if he's poorly, having night terrors, etc), what would your reaction be?

Right, I will try one more time.

• I moved into my daughter's bedroom until my STBXH moves out (tomorrow)
• She started sleeping with him sometimes
• One day she was commenting how dirty and disgusting and smelling the bedroom is (he showered 2x only since September, is not washing his clothes, the room is full of rubbish and dirty stuff everywhere)...so I asked her why is she sleeping there if it is so horrible and smelly? She told me it is because she feels she needs to help her dad sleep because he is sad and alone but she would rather be in her own bed.
• On the same day he comes in drunk without his phone and tell her that she needs to wake him up at 7am otherwise he will be late for work and will get fired. She then tells me that she couldn't sleep properly because she was worried.
• I have a talk with them both and we establish that DD will sleep in her own bed and she can not use his sadness to make her sleep in the dirty bedroom with him.

-STBX agrees and follows through until yesterday when I went to sleep when they were watching TV. Wake up in the middle of the night with DD making noise in the toilet (very small 2 bedroom flat), she doesn't come to her room so I see she is sleeping with him again. I go there quietly to call her to her bed. He wakes up and kicks a fuss, have a massive go at me, I try to explain it is about the boundaries and family agreement but he calls me idiot and slams Dd's bedroom door very strong making her cry. I then go online to talk about it and read on the american forums about mums not agreeing with dads sleeping with daughter from a certain age and the mention of wet dreams and erections...oh and pubescense, I remember now.

Lets turn this around. If you had a 7 year old son OP and someone dared suggest that you shouldn't have him in with you if need be (e.g if he's poorly, having night terrors, etc), what would your reaction be?

I tell her this but she is scared of hurting daddy.
She told the psychologist that she gets angry at daddy sometimes (as she gets angry at me, friends etc, because she is going through a rough time) and it was big surprise since she never shows.
Today he called and he asked her if she is angry with him and she said 'no'. Once she put the phone down she told me that she 'is' angry with him and I explained to her it is ok for her to let him know, he needs to know her feelings. But she is confused I can tell.

SS said that if he doesn't move tomorrow they will step in. It is not about sleeping together as for me it wasn't a big deal until he broke up the agreement yesterday. It is abut his suicides threats and making her responsible for waking him up. Plus his drinking.

I have someone from Child Services coming to visit on Tuesday. I am not sure if it is a social worker or family support worker.

I would have no problem whatsoever with my dH sharing a bed with my daughter.

However when I was 7-8 my dad slept too to tail with me and I hated it. Absolutely hated it. He sneaked in when my mum and dad argued and often wet the bed .

In a normal living affectionate relationship I see no problem and most girls will communicate well if they don't like it or ask for their own bed.

So last night was a one off then...it had stopped it on one of his last nights she had gone In again

Avoid the American forums. You're missing the bigger issue of your daughter being emotionally manipulated and distressed. The circumstances you describe sound horrible for her.

Suicide threats, drinking? This is a major problem. You need to do something to protect her

I think you were wrong to go and wake dd up and cause a fuss, instead address it in the morning
I understand what you are saying but she was already awake since she had just been to the toilet. Also, I didn't want to let him get away with it and let her think that it is ok for her NOT to follow through an agreement with me. He doesn't respect boundaries and agreements. I need to teach her to respect boundaries and agreements.

So he move out tomorrow .... Where to? How will contact progress?

I think you've got yourself tied up in knots. You need to separate out exactly what you are concerned about and focus on that. You've changed your worries so many times on this thread I'm dizzy and fgs stop reading American divorce sites.

Sorry that sounds more harsh than I meant, separating, particularly with dc, is massively confusing and emotionally charged. I just mean try to work out what you are worried about rather than winding yourself up with the concerns of people who don't know any of you.

I would say that in your particular situation it is totally wrong for your DD to sleep in a bed with her father. She is only doing it because of the emotional blackmail, she doesn't want to be there, and he is piling way too much "responsibility for his survival" on her.

Will she be having overnight stays at his house in future?

I know the major problem is the emotional blackmail.
I am not worried about sexual abuse.
BUT I tried to reason with him about his behaviour and how he is playing the victim role to make DD sleep with him when she clearly said she would rather sleep in her own bed. He didn't understand/respect that.
I then told him by txt message at 4am today (after reading the american forums) that another reason why she shouldn't sleep there is because of wet dreams and erections. Hopefully now he will stop.
I think it might work because I already had a hard time making him stop the "smacking bum game". They have this game for a long time now but the other day DD said 'no more' and he kept doing it, not accepting her boundaries. She kept asking him to stop, she didn't want to play from now on and he said he wouldn't. I had to step in and say 'she is not comfortable with anyone touching her bum, don't you get it?'...So now he stopped. I made sure to send a txt about it as well so now it is recorded.
Again I don't think it is nothing sinister, he is just very bad at respecting people's boundaries.

Suicide threats, drinking? This is a major problem. You need to do something to protect her

SS and Youth Mental Health Team already involved.

He has only showered twice in a month?

Poor you and your dd OP, such a fraught and horrible situation to be in. I'm separated too, and my dd sometimes sleeps in her dad's bed. She's slept every night in mine since July when he took her on too long a holiday (against my wishes) and I genuinely think she worried she wouldn't ever see me again (she's three). I have no problems with dc sleeping in their dad's beds, I do have a problem with any child sleeping in a parents bed coerced by emotional blackmail and against a backdrop of heavy drinking. That is a horrible situation to be in. You're right to be worried. Trust yourself x x x

He has only showered twice in a month?

Nope. Twice in two months.

Does he have (possibly undiagnosed) MH problems? Or just appalling hygiene?

What are your plans for contact after separation? I would describe his emotionally manipulative behaviour as emotionally abusive, and it is worrying that he does not have the boundaries to respect her bodily integrity with the smacking bottoms 'game' and emotionally manipulating her to go sleep with him. Is he asking fir unsupervised contact?

Regarding contact, he will have her on his days off which are unpredictable anyway and if she was to sleep there, it would be on a sofa bed. Now I will have to mention the sleeping situation to SS. I really didn't want to make contact a battle, but he is not in a good state of mind, drinks too much and doesn't think needs any help. He is arrogant.

This man should never have unsupervised contact with your DD.

I do think he has undiagnosed MH issues and a drinking problem (or is it normal for a person to drink everyday and get drunk 5 or 6 days out of 7? Apparently this is British Culture), anyway, we don't have the courts involved yet and communication has been difficult because he is either drunk, hangover or angry. But when he is actually sober he is a normal person. Shame it is rare.