Fathers sharing bed with daughters.

[GoMe]

What is your opinion on it?

I know that child abuse will happen at any time, on the bed or not, if the father is an abuser, so my question is because men are prone to having wet dreams and erections whilst asleep, so in my opinion, it is not ideal for a girl to sleep with her father at the same bed.

My DD is 7.

Well then the OP shouldn't have starteda thread with that title and with such an ambiguous opening post.

It's potentially triggering, very upsetting and, tbh, the rambling updates and changing stance every post is just weird.

Nobody can be blamed for their reactions to such things and MNHQ have been extremely remiss in leaving it to stand as is.

I would have thought most people were sensible enough to read the thread rather than posting a knee-jerk reaction to the OP or the title.

Really walter, when you read the op's posts, it didn't get completely obvious to you from the second posts onwards that she needed support and was clearly overwhelmed by a very tricky situation?

It's easy too easy IMO to blame the OP about the jack if clarity of their first posts to then excuse yourself from being unnecessarily harsh, judgemental and well a bit a of a prat to say the least.
Bit everyone is able to explain clearly what is going in their first posts. Actually it happens quite often that the OP isn't what it looks from the first read.

Also what is the point of posting berating the OP and putting her down when she is clearly under a lot of stress and worry?

Sorry, Where I can't actually make out what you're trying to say in your posts, apart from calling me a prat. That's your lookout.

I don't think it's harsh to tell someone whose mind works in such a way as to see this as something she can twist and make seem sinister, that there is something wrong with her.

There IS something wrong with her, to be quite honest.

She would benefit greatly from counselling.

SS is already involved with her dd. The emotional abuse and alcoholism is enough to make sure that he does not have unsupervised access to the child.

Thinking she can possibly accuse him of being a paedophile is an entirely different ballgame and somebody in a strong mental and emotional state simply would not think that way.

Erm..not sure what this is really about. I assume it's fairly normal for kids of that age to climb into beds with parents (I know I did with my mum). There's nothing wrong with at all per se - it's completely a matter of context.

As for the stuff about we dreams?...!!??

Just to elaborate, I think it's a matter of context. If a child is getting into bed with parents because she's having bad dreams or other sleeping issues, then that's totally fine I think. However, if it's a regular thing then it is decidedly odd. I don't think you can give a yes or no answer without more information.

I would say I see no good reason why a child of that age should be regularly sharing a bed with a parent unless there is a specific reason.

If a man has a regular female bed partner who he often has sex with surely if his regular female partner is replaced by his DD, when she is visiting, then there is a small chance, particularly if he is drunk that he might get a hard on and press against his DD inadvertently.

Seems possible, why is it impossible?

My DH often wakes up with a hard on, sometimes it can be middle of the night.

I always assumed this was normal - after all these years I find out he is a weird perv!!!!!

You shouldn't be co sleeping if you have been drinking. We'll once a child is past baby stage with the odd drink etc it's prob fine but if you are drunk then co sleeping is a no no.

I can't even be bothered with the debate about hard ons etc. Yes men get them at night but that doesn't mean they will abuse a child co sleeping with them.

But the issue here is we have a father who is emotionally abusive and an alcoholic, the child is not co sleeping because they want to but because they feel that they must. This is wrong.

Op I agree focus on the emotional abuse aspect and the alcohol etc do not start going on about American forums, wet dreams etc as social services will think you have issues.

I think this question needs turning around. Instead of going into reasons why a kid shouldn't be a sharing a bed with adults, we should be asking why they would in the first place.

I don't get it? It just seems odd to me. Why (unless you're all having to share a room or some equally obvious reason) would your child share your bed every night?

Joe this thread isn't really about co sleeping which is normal in many families, my own included and something that children grow out of as my elder kids have done unless ill etc.

This is really about a father who has a drink problem and is emotionally mmanipulating his ddaughter. As the op says the child had naturally grown out of co sleeping, she is now doing it again due to feeling guilty about her fathers sadness. This isn't normal or ok.

5madthings: Hi, sorry - it's just not something I'm familiar with I guess. I confess to not reading the whole thread, so maybe there are bits I'm missing out on. I would think that co-sleeping is something kids would have grown out of (as indeed the op and you say). My point was that there are contexts in which such things are ok and ones in which they are not. This clearly seems to be the latter!

Co sleeping was something I knew nnothing about until I had children, though I occasionally slept with my parent's as a child.
Five kids later and it's been a ligesaver!

Bit you really need to read all the ops posts. If you go into your settings you can choose to have them highlighted so it's easier to follow. And yes there is much more to this than the original op.

Advice taken on board! :)

Walter: you seem to have a problem. Maybe you shouldn't bother giving advice unless it is kind, helpful advice.

The OP is obviously under incredible stress. Her life is in tatters.

You are worried that her title may be triggering to others, but you don't seem to be worried about the op.

No problem here, but thanks for your concern :)

the issue here is that the father is relying on his daughter for his emotional well-being and this is not ok. she is a 7 year old girl whose parents are separating - this is hard enough for her.

add to this the fact that her (usually drunk) father wants her to share a bed with him in lieu of her mother, and holds her responsible for his waking in time for work. he has also alluded to suicide if she doesn't comply.

this is a hideous situation for a little girl to be in.

full disclosure: i grew up in a violent alcoholic household (both mother and stepfather). i was expected to be a parent to my mother and sympathise with her over my stepfather's sexual demands from a very early age. i have memories of 'giving' my stepfather a bath, and of sleeping in with him when my mother was in hospital.

the OP is clearly trying her best to negotiate this awful situation. this is horrible all round - but it shouldn't be forgotten that at the centre of this is a small girl who will struggle emotionally with this on a day to day basis.

Ex wife thank you. At last a person who has cleared away the side issues and can see this situation for what it is. It happened to a school friend of mine when her mother left her behind. She became a kind of surrogate partner to her father and was very confused by it all. It is awful and very difficult for a child to make sense of

The OP has been treated terribly on this thread and it might be an idea for some posters to have a little more compassion even if the thread hasn't been presented in a clear and concise way.

Twinklestein, stating as you did at 10.06 that your are horrified by fathers sleeping with daughters sounds pretty general, and insulting.

OP, in my opinion your stbx is gross. There's nothing wrong with sharing a bed but all this bum slapping, too much cuddling while sleeping. What the hell is that? Our DC often stay in our bed but I don't cuddle them through the night simply because I sleep and I want them to have a good sleep. He is totally selfish.
Also, what father or mother would tell their child to wake them up for work. She is seven and she needs to sleep and not to worry about her selfish father. He only thinks of himself making his daughter against her mother, giving her stress at such age. He doesn't wash himself. I wouldn't want even to sit in that bed fully dressed.
He sounds totally strange and I wouldn't trust him. My DH cuddles children when they're not asleep but would not dare to bother them while they sleep next to him even though he loves them very much.
I don't know what is in his head but I would not let her share bed with him anymore . Also he is an alcoholic. Why would you let her share bed with him when he is drunk ?

Agree with ExWife.

CaptainSinker I am horrified in general, but I'm most horrified by this particular case. If you're insulted by this I'm sorry I really don't care.

My twopennorth

Just to reiterate what most have said, I wouldn't let any child be in the care of someone who abuses alcohol, let alone stay overnight and certainly not in their bed.

As for expecting a seven year old to wake them for work....preposterous. I wouldn't expect a 17 year old to do it.

Father has some very boundaries.

The child needs love and care and not be expected to be the caretaker of the father.
A child's bed/ bedroom is their own little sanctuary and should not be expected to share with a drunken, smelly ( he doesn't shower much ) parent.

Good luck OP in keeping your daughter safe